The day the world forgot (679 hits)
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Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2007-09-12 09:14:30 EDT
It has been written that one day the world will end. Sadly the bastard that wrote about it failed to actually say exactly when it would all come to an end; this was probably due to his rather dramatic death just before he put pen to paper to tell us.
It all happened a long time ago when life was all a bit simpler. Not many people could read or write, actually in retrospect not all that much has changed.
Civilisation had come on leaps and bounds and people were coming to terms with the fact that they no longer needed to actually take a shit behind bushes, but could take a crap in a conveniently placed receptacle in their hovels.
Some learned fellows, or religious weirdo's as they were known when they weren't in ear shot, had come up with a remarkable way of communicating with each other without speaking. This was rather convenient as most of them had taken a vow of silence and were required to constantly flagellate themselves to repent for speaking; some of them still spoke though causing rumours to spread of their love of the whip.
The ingenious 'thing' they created was writing words down on paper. The reason it had come about is that one Clique of religious types were trying to come up with ways of making others laugh when enjoying a good silence so getting them to have to beat themselves, religious folks have fun too you see. Very soon the head religious chaps had decided it would be a great idea to use this 'thing' to write down all their fancy ceremonies and laws. The greater part of this was that it was going to be put down in a form that no one else could understand so they couldn't get told off for getting things wrong every now and again.
A few years on and some of the 'Rich' types, richness was classed as having a wash every 2 years and not having to dig in shit heaps for food, decided that they would have a go at this reading and writing thing too. This caused problems with the religious types but was all sorted when some head chap said:
"Well as long as you don't tell the other lot the holes in our religious stuff you can use it too. If you think about it our little stories actually help you rich lot anyway so its win, win really."
The rich lot agreed and so all was well.
So we move on a few years later and we meet a man who has been lost to history. His name is Frank Wankson and he is the one who was entrusted with the rather useful information of when and how the world was going to end.
Not a lot is known about Frank, as I said he has been lost to history. We do know that apparently he was quite a shock to his father who had been practising a little discussed form of self pleasuring for most of his adult life. His wife was on hand to explain though that he had a habit of doing it on the new fangled Shit receptacle and that's how it all happened. This could explain Frank's ugliness but if we are all honest we really know that Franks mother was a wee bit free with herself. There is one tale of her and Quasimodo but following extensive research this was defunct during the following conversation in a drinking house:
"So Quasi stuffed old Franks Mother?"
"No you stupid dickhead, they lived in different countries and Quasi never really existed. Christ what normal woman would have sex with a French Hunchback?"
"Good point, I'd forgotten he was French."
The main thing is that Frank Wankson existed and was given a rather special gift one night in the form of a very vivid dream. We know it was a dream as he professed to experiencing sexual congress which is highly unlikely as even the local Whores, a profession in its infancy at the time, wouldn't go near him.
Now most of this is hearsay you understand, but seeing as quite a lot of things like this are equally hearsay(ish) I am going to pass it all off as fact and leave it like that. If you choose not to believe it then I am sure that you have a questionable sexual preference and prefer the company of Livestock to humans.
The main Event, so to speak.
Frank awoke with a smile on his face that morning, which looked more like wind but it was progress for one as ugly as him. As soon as he was fully awake however his smile disappeared (A disputed fact as no one could tell if the smile had ever existed) he did seem rather upset though all of a sudden.
Frank then proceeded to his writing desk and started writing about his dream it goes as follows:
I had a strange dream last night, and the more I think about it the more I feel it is actually 'real' rather than just a dream. I know I had sex in it but the rest of it is real trust me. I have seen the end of the world in all its wonderful glory and I mean to tell everyone about it. I can even tell you the date that it will happen.
Frank then hurried out onto the street and gave a street urchin some pebbles to take it to the Religious folk.
The Religious ones got together with the rich ones and decided, for want of nothing better to do, to hold a big party in a field somewhere and let Frank tell his story.
On the day of the Party Frank arrived late and on a rather skittish white horse. As soon as Frank dismounted the horse promptly went and had a crap in the centre of the field to show its disgust at having to carry the verminous little man.
Frank walked over to a desk they had provided for him and started writing. His tongue lolled in such a fashion that everyone had decided that it was best he wrote what he had to say rather than spray everyone with his spittle. It would be read out as he wrote. So he started to write his piece:
They all look at me like I'm a freak from some deep lagoon. Yes I'm ugly but I'm sure I would be quite lovely if anyone would bother to find out. Anyway best do what I said I would do.
The world will end in a rather nasty way. The 'Gods' will get really rather annoyed with us all because of a few things.
Firstly we all start doubting in them, which peeves them no end.
Secondly we all start having wars and such with each other, which really annoys them as they like to be the ones in charge of when and how we die.
And thirdly is something to do with Genitals, I'm sure it was genitals it had a Gen in it anyway. Something about our predisposition to being rather unpleasant to each other.
So they will decide that they have had enough and that we are all to die, including most animals as apparently they have a much better idea for next time. The little known Greater Spotted Gringoweasel will survive though as they are fond of that.
There will be diseases, Famine, A war that 'they' decide to have and a few plagues thrown in for good measure. Then the world will be engulfed in flames just to make sure. The Greater Spotted Gringoweasel will be placed in a place of safety whilst all this is going on.
At this point the person reading this all out to the masses stopped, probably because Frank hadn't written any more yet. It was decided that it would be a good time to have some snacks and some light refreshments before going to the grand finale of exactly 'when' all this was going to happen.
This, as it turned out, wasn't a very good idea.
Frank got up from his desk and wandered over to a table next to a voluptuous lady talking to her man of the moment. He barged her out of the way and grabbed a pastry before mumbling something and walking back to his desk to settle in for the end of his tale.
When everyone was ready Frank took up his pen again and carried on.
That fat woman at the table looked remarkably like the woman from my dream. I wonder if she actually has the same banana shaped birthmark I dreamt about?
Anyway on with what I was talking about.
The end of the world will occur on the 16th day of.
Ouch! That bloody hurt. What just happened there? Christ I think I am bleeding. My legs, I can't feel them. Oh crap I think I'm going to di..
The Reader stopped and looked down at Frank, who was now slumped over the desk with a rather large, not that the size matters, sword sticking out his back. A young chap was standing next to the him with a rather pleased look on his face, a look that lasted for about 20 minutes when some large, size does matter in this case, blunt and hot instrument was wedge firmly between his lady like buttocks.
The crowd, understandably, were all a bit put out about not finding out the exact date, and decided that they would have a riot instead. It just so happens that the chap responsible for the brutal slaying of Frank was the boyfriend of the fat lady and was also a member of a new fangled religion fond of cutting the floppy bit of skin off the ends of boys penises. Some say this is where their persecution began, others decided that they were actually being persecuted years before and the matter was dropped.
The fact remains though that one day the world will end, and the one person who knew when, was murdered.
So where does that leave us? Well nowhere really. Most people turn this tale away and say it is all a bunch of hokum and crap.
There are those that believe though.
On the 16th of every month they pull on their sandwich boards and walk the streets to tell everyone to prepare for 'The End'. Most people just ignore them with a wave of the hand and a slur of:
"Wankers!"
User Reviews
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2007-09-17 14:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Historical Accuracy
Also because I was born on the 16th and that is the day the end of the world started.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-09-13 04:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-09-12 17:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this story with an english accent. It seemed fitting.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-12 17:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-12 15:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Y'know, if I want to read crypto-communard trash, I'd pick up the Guardian...
--
Y'know, if you think this is commie Johnny then you have issues. It was merely a wee bit of fun, try not to take the intraweb too seriously.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-12 15:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Y'know, if I want to read crypto-communard trash, I'd pick up the Guardian...
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-12 15:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Out-fucking-standing.
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-12 15:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hematemesis..
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-09-12 14:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-12 14:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-12 12:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-12 11:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-12 10:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-12 10:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
--
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
*Weeps*
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-12 10:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-12 14:54:16 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo come to bristol soon, i think we may have an interesting chat over tea and scones.
--
Sorted. I shall drop an email sometime, i'm sure i've seen you drop it around here somewhere like the little Uber Tart you are
--
hang on let me try this eamil addy i have for you. sending now.
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Sings: "It must be love, loooove looove, da da!"
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-12 14:54:16 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo come to bristol soon, i think we may have an interesting chat over tea and scones.
--
Sorted. I shall drop an email sometime, i'm sure i've seen you drop it around here somewhere like the little Uber Tart you are
--
hang on let me try this eamil addy i have for you. sending now.
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo, this was good. My opinion means nuggets to you but i liked it.
Nuggets I tell ye. Thanks for helping to sober me up too, the concentration worked wonders.
***Yaks up on his desk***
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you for comments below. I was going for a Pratchett type feel.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo come to bristol soon, i think we may have an interesting chat over tea and scones.
--
Sorted. I shall drop an email sometime, i'm sure i've seen you drop it around here somewhere like the little Uber Tart you are.
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Claps*
-then-
*Puts on knee pads*
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo come to bristol soon, i think we may have an interesting chat over tea and scones.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
5 years time apparently, so ive booked loadsa expensive holidays for 6 years times hehe suckers.
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Ah Ha! I knew you were a Wanker Em, only Wankers know you see.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
5 years time apparently, so ive booked loadsa expensive holidays for 6 years times hehe suckers.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A mix between Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchet. Very Amusing
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You see, this is why Drogo is my favorite sweetie.
Anyway, this sounds like Douglas Adams and Neil Gaiman had a secret love child.
You rock my face off, you dirty, dirty Englishman.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to commend Drogoroch for creating the first Uber-roofie.
As I have no recollection of the time I just spent reading this post.
I am rating positivly based on passed performance.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stuff like this is why you should get to advance to round 4 of UGR.