(Zombie Post Thursday) So apocalypse means I can't get the Iphone? (653 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.42 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2007-09-13 08:19:00 EDT
"Look, I see you have a few of them sitting right behind you, could you just hand one to me? I'll hand you $20 under the table, and we'll both come out winners." I offered to the guy manning the Apple store's front desk. He wore a black polo shirt and khaki pants, with the finger of an elder woman sticking out of his mouth and blood dribbling down his chin.
"Unnnn." He said arms outstretched towards me. What did he want? A hug? I'm not gay and despite what's written on the bathroom walls at the local airport, you can't call me for "a good time".
I mean HE blew ME off. That makes him totally gay.
"No I don't want to buy a warranty program, I just want the phone, and I don't want to pay more than $37 for it. Can we agree to a good ole fashioned bribing at $35?" I asked again trying to be reasonable. More Apple employee's were wandering towards me, all of them wanting hugs.
"Ungh! Unnnnn..." One said as he dragged his way towards me on his elbows, on account of having the lower part of his torso blown off, probably by a Microsoft enthusiast.
"What sort of a sucker do you think I am?" I asked the salesman on the floor, "No I don't need a 30 inch HD screen for $3k. Who would need that? I'm still using a 6 incher from 1988, it's got good enough resolution to show word processing bitch." I said stepping on top of him. The man defending the Iphone's seemed like he wasn't impressed with my increased bribe offer, though did seem very adamant about a hug. He got closer.
"Look dude, I'm at the end of my chain, give me an Iphone or you'll regret it." I mutter menacingly.
"HighVoltage?" I heard someone ask from deeper in the store. I looked up and groaned.
"Oh god." I muttered as a guy I knew from high school came up to me dressed in the polo/khaki combo.
"Hey dude how are you?" He asked. I pushed away the outstretched hand of an incoming Apple guy.
"Oh hey.... uh..... You! Yeah! How are you doing?" I asked blanking on his name and trying to nonchalantly refer to him as 'you'.
"Oh I'm good. Working here at Apple and everything. You know. Unnnnngh." He said and lifted his arms up to grab my shoulders. It was around this point I got fed up with all this corporate bullshit, every Apple store I had been to denied me my Iphone despite my willingness to pay like 10% of the total cost. Don't they know you have to haggle?
Finally I got pissed off. I went back to my car and opened the trunk and retrieved a briefcase I kept for just such an emergency. I went back to the Apple store and closed the front doors behind me.
"Unnngh! It's great to see you! Unnnn!" That guy from high school said as he lurched toward me. I unlocked the briefcase.
"I'm getting the Iphone. And I'm getting it now!" I said throwing open the briefcase and letting a cascade of midgets pour out. They were all wearing adorable one piece Osh Kosh B'Gosh clothes and little booties. When my attack midgets go out on the town, they were only the finest in kids clothing.
The avalanche of midgets tumbled out of my briefcase and rushed the Apple employees, who offered advice such as "unnnn" and "Unnnh?" before having midgets clamber onto their backs and nibble their heads off. Blood sprayed and Apple employees feel in a symphony of people being slaughtered by midgets. It didn't really sound like a symphony per se. It was more like "Nibble nibble nibble.... collapse."
I walked over to the stack of Iphone boxes and picked one up for myself. Glorious.
"Sweet!" I said, then looking over the edge of the Iphone I noticed the lead midget was standing in front of me staring angrily at me.
"What Jeff?" I asked him. Always a trouble maker Jeff. One time he skull fucked my grandmother until she turned blind. That put a damper on our relationship as normie/halfing for a few months.
Jeff balled up his fist and punched me in the testicle, stealing my Iphone.
"Ow my testicle!" I screamed and passed out on the floor. When I woke up the police were everywhere and approached me as I stood up.
"God damn it's times like this I wish I had two testicles to share the pain load."
"You destroyed all the zombies! You're a hero!" The police said.
"Oh I'm no hero. I'm just a guy who will kill scores of people to get an Iphone." I said.
"And that's all we, as the police, have ever tried to teach anyone." They said, then we all laughed heartily until the lights dimmed and we went to commercial.
User Reviews
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-09-15 04:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not gay... I just fucked a guy who was.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-14 08:18:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-09-13 22:13:39 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a hot guy at the Apple store near my house. Even if he were a zombie I'd still drool over him.
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Hold up a minute..If he was a Zombie he would probably want to EAT you..Want that do you?
UH OH
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-14 07:42:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mammoplasty..
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-13 19:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-09-13 17:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh I'm afraid
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-09-13 17:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-09-13 17:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a hot guy at the Apple store near my house. Even if he were a zombie I'd still drool over him.
Submitted by kirst-n-dennis (user info) at 2007-09-13 13:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-13 12:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this post read like every other post of yours.
not that it's necessarily a bad thing.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-09-13 11:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't it iPhone?
Maybe it's not. Maybe I'm "the Asshole."
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-13 10:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yay! you're back!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm all for ZPT's return but this was a bit... lacking. We really need Nath.
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Nah. I jumped the shark months ago.
But this was trying a bit too hard to force jokes across. Was okay, but could have been done much better.
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not yet you haven't. despite a lack of zombies i was amused by the image in my head of you smashing into the ground trying to give a guy his book.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm all for ZPT's return but this was a bit... lacking. We really need Nath.
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Nah. I jumped the shark months ago.
But this was trying a bit too hard to force jokes across. Was okay, but could have been done much better.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm all for ZPT's return but this was a bit... lacking. We really need Nath.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Rare commenter below
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BALLS
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HV WOOO! WOOOOOO!!!! <happy winky dance> WOOOOOO!!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HighVoltage900- Sporadically taking back Ubersite since 2005.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2007-09-13 08:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ZPT must live on TToM. It has fallen out of favor among Uberites and must be resurrected.
ZPT must live on.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-13 08:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This wasnt your A material.
You need to post more often you dial soap loving creep