I Killed A Bat Once.... I Am A Bat Killer (GPF) (754 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.81 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RAYG (View user info) at 2007-09-14 04:54:48 EDT
I Hadn't thought about this for about half a decade till I read this post
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111706
so I will thank GetNakeddd now for once again ruining my morning
Back In the day (2001) I was the ECS respondent for an "independent living facility/retirement apartments" AKA: the "I fallen and I can't get up" guy at the home for "unwanted old folks that haven't been deemed useless enough to warrant medical assistance 24-7.
This building had once been a Christian science home, an insane asylum, and a hospice house (supposedly haunted)... in fact it was quite similar to the "overlook hotel" used in the Kubrick version of "the shining"
On the overnights I was the only staff in the entire building of 75+ residents and as a result I basically was responsible for everything that happens before sunrise; responding to emergencies, watching TV in the lobby, and on this particular night... animal control.
Now, we sometimes got the occasional pest chipmunk or squirrel, the dumbass black bear that loved to eat off the birdfeeder after getting doped up on medical waste from the state hospital across the way (story for another day), small birds that fly in every so often (fucking old people loved to prop the doors and leave them open), and we got the occasional bat...
Normally, when a bat flies in, it does laps around the 4th floor hallway till you send it outside. The practiced and recommended (and humane?) method to bat removal was to take the badminton racket (kept in the office for this exact purpose) and with a flick of the wrist and a nice "poing" sound the bat would kinda bounce off the racket and fall to the floor dazed and stunned and kinda "scree" its (pretty cool) bat sound as it clings to the racket and I bring it outside.
I had done this several times in the past, and each time the bats would gain back their bearings and fly off eventually.
One night , I got the call of an old lady stating she was "under attack by vampires". Knowing the woman was "out-of-her-fucking-mind-Batshit -(pun intended)-insane" and high on the bajillion pills she has to take hourly to keep her from disintegrating into a pile of dust, I instinctively grabbed the badminton racket and headed up to investigate... sure enough we had a brown bat flying about the 4th floor hallway and like routine, I was gonna give it a gentle tap with the racket and bring the critter outside before it could recover and take flight again...
...It started my way down the hall and I held the racket over my head ready to flick it, and just as the racket came up the little fucker dropped a few feet and flew by me at armpit level
So I turned around to attempt this again
(...if you ever played that old Karate Kid videogame for the NES where you had to balance on the post while the pendulum swings by you'd pretty much have a perfect idea of what this looked like...)
I turned ready for him to make his return... crouched a little this time and I held the racket up at about my shoulder to make sure I had more chance to tap him...
...and I missed him by just a tiny bit
now I was getting a little pissed and forgot about the "gentle" aspect...
...I turned around again and planted my feet solid. Eye of the tiger, I was bound and determined to make contact with the little shit as if he were a flying piñata filled with diamonds and Japanese schoolgirl hookers. As he approached, I swung with authority...
"FWAANNGGGG".......
....."THUD!"
...................................."thump"
not only did I hit the poor bastard, I sent the little fucker recoiling into the wall at about 5x the speed he was coming at me with.... and he bounced off the wall.... onto the floor.
my jaw dropped as I was shocked that I hit him that hard, considering initially, I only intended to stun the poor little guy and not pound the living bajebus out of him.
He fluttered on the floor for a moment, let out a little screech as he kibbied briefly.... then just kinda stopped...
I was feeling pretty horrible, and I hoped I just knocked the little guy out. I brought him outside and tucked him into the little bathouse we had on one of the trees out back.
I went inside and informed the little old lady that there were no vampires to get her anymore and went to the office to file the report (as is the way with any use of the emergency call system)
after several hours of stealing music and playing Fallout 2 on my laptop I punched the clock and headed home, but not before checking the bathouse with a hope the little bugger shook it off and went on his merry way to eat the mosquitoes I know they love so very much....
when I opened it up to check though, he had ants eating him.
it kinda ruined my morning
User Reviews
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-09-17 00:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-14 11:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-14 08:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Eye of the tiger, I was bound and determined to make contact with the little shit as if he were a flying piñata filled with diamonds and Japanese schoolgirl hookers."
That's a deuce
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Agreed.
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Ditto
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-09-14 20:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"if you ever played that old Karate Kid videogame for the NES"
You fuckin' nerd...
but I do know exactly what you're talking about.
-2 me = +2 you
Oh, and this was rather funny.
The mental image of you tennis-serving a bat into a wall, unintentionally no less, did make me chuckle.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-14 17:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-14 14:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-14 14:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-09-14 12:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny, very well written...
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-14 11:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-14 08:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Eye of the tiger, I was bound and determined to make contact with the little shit as if he were a flying piñata filled with diamonds and Japanese schoolgirl hookers."
That's a deuce
----
Agreed.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2007-09-14 11:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I will send my bat minions to seek vengeance on you. Be prepared.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-14 10:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a bird fly into my patio door yesterday so hard that it killed itself.
It was funny, in a Gallagher sort of way.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-09-14 09:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Fallout
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-09-14 08:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-14 05:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a dried up bat that I found dead after my dog scared it when I was 7. I call him Berty, Berty Bat.
i love Berty Bat, he rules............... the land of Dead Dried Bats.
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I visited my parents this past Labor day. Downstairs in their house is a bar built of the same brick as the house's exterior. They don't go downstairs much, my parents. Clinging to the brick when I walked down with my suitcase was a bat. A died, dried, and mummified bat. True story. I called him "debris" and tossed him the garbage.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-14 08:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Eye of the tiger, I was bound and determined to make contact with the little shit as if he were a flying piñata filled with diamonds and Japanese schoolgirl hookers."
That's a deuce.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-09-14 07:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Scree!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-14 07:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-14 07:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cesarean..
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-14 05:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Count would not be pleased...
Peh....
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-14 05:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a dried up bat that I found dead after my dog scared it when I was 7. I call him Berty, Berty Bat.
i love Berty Bat, he rules............... the land of Dead Dried Bats.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-14 05:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-14 05:05:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ants are people too.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-14 05:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU KILLED KENNY!
YOU BASTARD!