I Became a Black Man for a Night (852 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.25 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2007-09-18 14:07:44 EDT
It was a night unlike any other night. The sky was clear, the crescent moon bathing me in its heavenly glow. I stood in the darkness and closed my eyes while imagining the future. The future, you see, was full of prosperity. I had just left my parents' house with a bag full of Chilean empanadas, which are quite tasty; I had just consumed a couple with tea, and I knew at least a couple more would be in my belly soon. But it would not happen before a fateful encounter with the law--on the other side of town.
As I turned the key in my ignition, I had a sneaking suspicion that I needed something...vital. I turned on my lights and my dashboard came to life, doing its best to imitate the lunar light. A quick scan revealed my premonition: the gas guage was directly on the "E." Here is where I made my fateful decision. I could have attempted the ride home and put off the $35.00 charge for another day or I could go to the other side of town to the cheap gas station, Hess. As you may have guessed by now, I went to the other side of town.
[I think I'll drop the fake mystical storytelling tone at this point. ]
A few minutes later, after taking several backroad shortcuts, I approached the town's main artery, Broadway. Whenever I visit my parents, I always take this path when going to the Hess station. I always go through the same procedure: slow down at the stop sign, look to the left. If there are cars coming or people crossing, I stop. On this particular night, there were no people and only one pair of headlights a fair distance away on my left. So I made my right turn.
Aside #1: Let me take a moment to ask you to bear with me. I speed on the highway, I consistently do rolling stops if it's like 3 AM in an empty intersection...that's about it. I'm not pretending to be a rebel or anything, I just like to get where I'm going as soon as possible. On the flipside I'm extremely anal about signalling and will do so at 3 AM in the morning at said intersection and even on an empty highway. That being said, I generally don't speed in towns, at least not more than 5 MPH over. I'm not actively trying to be the safest driver ever, it's just the way I roll. So to speak. I'm trying to paint a quick picture of my driving style so that you can just for the sake of this post assume that I know how to drive and that I know what my car is doing when I drive. [Quick FYI: this story takes place at about 10 PM, not 3 AM. I just used the latter as a hypothetical. Thanks for listening. ]
Okay. Back to Broadway. After a tenth of a mile or so, I noticed the headlights I had seen before got really close to my car. Not quite tailgating-close, but just enough for me to question why a car would stay so close to me on a quiet road. That's when I noticed there were cop-car lights on top of this car. They weren't on...yet. My spidey senses were officially tingling. I stopped at a red light, cop car stopped 15 feet behind me. I kept going, stopped at the next light, cop car stopped 15 feet behind me. Finally, I signalled right as I approached the Hess station--cop car turned on his lights. My heart pounded because apparently I turn into a vagina when I get pulled over.
I also go into some form of insane active denial. I momentarily convinced myself that he wasn't pulling me over, so I opened the door and turned the car off so I could fill up my tank.
Aside #2: I'm white. No wait, I'm Hispanic. What am I? Well, it depends on what federal or state form I'm filling out and what type of financial aid I want to receive. Officially I'm Hispanic (or Latino) because both of my parents were born in South America. Realistically, I was born here in the US and, due to the European ancestry of my parents, I look "white." I look, sound, smell, feel and taste American. Kind of like a slightly less pudgy, non-Jewish, non-curly haired, American Seth Rogen. But I know a hell of a lot more about telenovelas and Sabado Gigante than I would like. The point is, a cop is not going to confuse me for a Mexican busboy. Back to the incident.
The smug young cop came up to my car.
Cop: "Roll down your window and close your door."
Me: "Why?"
Cop: "You have to remain in your car. Turn down your radio."
In my confusion, I didn't recognize that I had officially been pulled over. Once I closed the door and turned down the Yankees-Red Sox broadcast, started thinking. What if someone stole a car similar to mine and he thought I was the guy? What if I went to jail? What the hell did I do?
Cop: "Sir did you have any alcohol tonight?"
Me: "Uh...no."
Cop: "No? You didn't have any liquor, beer, wine? Smoke any weed?"
Me: "No."
Cop: "You didn't have anything at all to drink?"
Me: "Y-yes...tea"
Cop: "What was that?"
Me: "Tea."
At that point I felt extremely pissed at myself. I almost lost my voice because I became so pussified. To top it off, I still didn't know why he pulled me over.
Cop: "Let me see your license and registration."
Me: "Okay."
Cop: "Where are you coming from?"
Me: "My mom's hous--"
Cop: "What street."
Me: "48 [street name]."
Cop: "Where are you headed?"
Me: "Home...[my town]."
Cop: "What were you doing at your mom's?"
Me: "G-getting food."
Cop: "How's your record?"
Me: "Spotless."
Cop: "And you didn't have anything to drink?"
Me: "Just tea...MARIJUANA TEA!"
Obviously, I did not say "marijuana tea," but I was becoming less scared and more angry with this cop.
Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "No."
Cop: "You crossed the double yellow when you turned onto Broadway back there."
Me: "It's kind of narrow back there. There weren't any cars.
Just to clarify, that part of Broadway is pretty narrow. You generally should make sure traffic is clear on both sides before making a right turn. But here's where the bullshit alarm finally kicked in.
Cop: "You were swerving all over the place. It looked pretty bad."
This is where I ask you to take that small leap of faith and trust a stranger writing on the internet. In the past, on rare occasions I would intentionally swerve my car with friends in it to scare them for my amusement. I have also in the past had a couple beers in the bar and driven past cop cars and never been questioned whatsoever. Just try and find it in you to believe me when I say, I would know if I swerved "all over the place." As soon as he said this, I realized this was all fucking bullshit. There were so many things I wanted to say that I couldn't say anything at all--so I just looked at him like he was a fucking idiot.
Cop: "Hey, I saw you driving, it looked like you were drunk, so don't look at me like I'm an idiot. What do you have in the bag there?"
I lifted my bag of empanadas and showed him the contents.
Me: "Some food I got from my mom's."
Cop: "Let me see your gas guage."
I turned on the car and pointed out the "E," as well as the gas light, which had turned on earlier just as I pulled into the station.
Me: "Alright, here's your license back. Pay more attention in the future."
I sat there for a moment thinking, "what the fuck just happened?" Did a rogue cop just try to bust me for nothing? Did he guess I might have had something to drink? Did he really think I "swerved all over the road?" If I really was driving so bad that he thought I was drunk, wouldn't that warrant a ticket at least? If he suspected I was drunk, wouldn't he at least bring out the breathalyzer? I have to be honest, I was kind of disappointed; I wanted to breathe into that and register 0.0 like Steve Carell in 40 y/old Virgin.
I felt violated in a weird psychological way. For the first time I can see why a large portion of the black population feels most cops take advantage of their power. I also caught a glimpse of the ineptitude that is prevalent in a small portion of the police force. At least, I hope it's only a small portion.
At least I didn't get the Rodney King treatment.
User Reviews
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-09-20 12:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no harm, no foul. you at least made great intelligent points as opposed to the "-2 STFU RELIGION SUCKS CUZ I'M GOD"-type arguments I've seen
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-09-20 06:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WEll you handled it better than I would have. I would have shot him with his own gun at about "Where are you headed."
im sorry about shouting at you with teh religions....my bad... :*(
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A cop obviously bored out of his mind, and/or Or on his way to being disillusioned about the whole police bussiness and trying to grab at some of the excitment he saw on TV.
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Coincidentally, I watched back-to-back episodes of COPS earlier in the day.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A cop obviously bored out of his mind, and/or Or on his way to being disillusioned about the whole police bussiness and trying to grab at some of the excitment he saw on TV.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-19 10:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-09-19 09:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You. I missed you. You rock. And so on.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-09-19 09:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kirst-n-dennis (user info) at 2007-09-19 09:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Please don't tell me shit like this, I'm currently learning to drive and am already nervous as hell whenever I get behind the wheel!
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Just drive for a long time. Seriously, if you're not a natural behind the wheel (I sucked when I started), you have to log something like 30 hours of driving time to feel comfortable. From there you're pretty much home free because:
A) You're not black or other darker-toned ethnicities
B) You have boobs. Seriously, it's an advantage I would play up, along with crying.
Submitted by kirst-n-dennis (user info) at 2007-09-19 09:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Please don't tell me shit like this, I'm currently learning to drive and am already nervous as hell whenever I get behind the wheel!
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-19 07:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
scarificator..
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2007-09-19 07:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did you have to give your lecense back to yourself ;)
I had a cop tail me for 3 miles once before he stopped following me. I was scared shitless the whole time.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-09-19 00:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That will teach you to DWB, nigger
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-09-18 21:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
one time i got pulled over for "crossing double yellow lines"
i politely informed the cop that i was making a left hand turn, but apparently he didn't care.
I was 100% sober, driving drunk friends back from a party. he gave me a sobriety test and a breathalyzer, which i passed, and still wrote me a written warning for crossing yellow lines.
i yelled at him: 'Listen - i understand you're looking for drunk people, i'm good with that. i'm not drunk. you know that. but you still give me a written warning for doing absolutely nothing wrong. why in the hell would you do that?"
he mumbled, and then left.
plymouth NH can derelict my ball.s
Submitted by URNVUS (user info) at 2007-09-18 21:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup. That was good.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-09-18 18:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LA BAMBA!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-09-18 18:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
FUCK-
FUCK-
FUCK-
FUCK THA PO-LICE!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-18 17:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
beefy!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-18 17:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You'd be suprised how effective verbal abuse can be. Try it sometime. It shifts the flow of control in the conversation. Never raise the volume of your voice.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-09-18 16:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was in a car that was once pulled over - for not pulling over.
cops are wankers.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-09-18 15:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way you write, very much.
Congrats on your driving/signalling, that's just great. People in Germany just don't signal and drive very, very aggressive.
Keep right and keep posting.
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I take it the autobahn is not the safest of places. I've always been curious about driving on it. I've never been to Europe, though. Baby steps...
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way you write, very much.
Congrats on your driving/signalling, that's just great. People in Germany just don't signal and drive very, very aggressive.
Keep right and keep posting.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cops have a quota. He probably pulled you over in an attempt to fill his quota so he can get a bonus to that $30,000 paycheck. I've been pulled over for similar bullshit.
Example:
Cop had a car pulled over on the side of the road. 11pm at night. No one else around. I slow down as I approach the cop and victim, cop motions for me to pass. So, rather than driving into the cop as well as the back of his car, I pulled slightly into the opposing lane to safely pass the cars. Not more than 2 minutes later I got pulled over by the same cop for a "marked lane violation." Basically, for going into the oncoming traffic lane. After the argument that followed, I got a written warning.
Power-tripping dicks, some of them.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mourning, glad to know we're part of the signalling club. As for getting out of a ticket, I wasn't really trying to get out of it. Quite frankly, there wasn't anything to get out of. I dunno, maybe he was just trying to meet a quota for tickets. Regardless, I feel bad for the latinos in that town that cop must have pulled over in his time.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have told him that you have a bomb in the bag.
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never gotten out of a ticket. My sister has, but she can cry on demand. Me? I get ticketed for EVERYTHING, no seatbelt, speeding, broken tail light, [insert ridiculous charge here]... Kudos to you.
+2 for being anal about signalling. I love you.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
decent story.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:18:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment