Carmageddon (740 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (View user info) at 2007-09-19 10:30:31 EDT
In Boston, pedestrians pretty much have the right-of-way no matter what. However, that is not an excuse to have a death wish when it comes to crossing the streets.
Several times while driving through semi crowded areas, I've had a few close calls with retards trying to cross the street. Now, when certain areas (Harvard Square, Davis Square, Fenway, etc) are crowded, I drive less than 20 as a precaution so I dont kill anyone. I'm a careful driver. I love my car and I avoid accidents like I'd avoid getting punched in the scrotum by Ivan Drago. However, never underestimate the power of stupidity. This one event takes the cake.
I was driving through Davis Square. It was crowded, night time, warm outside, Thursday night. Lots of people oot and aboot. I am going about 15 mph and about 15 - 20 feet from a crosswalk. I see a group of people on the side of the road, talking near a street sign. I keep going as their backs are all to oncoming traffic. As I'm about 5 feet from the crosswalk, this one fucking moron girl, on her cell phone, starts to dart across the crosswalk without looking. I slammed on my brakes, nearly hit her, and she slams the hood of my beautiful car with her fucking sausage finger hands and looks at me with a snarl that only Shrek could make. I open my car door and stand outside of it to see if she is OK and to see what fucking moron could possibly be this incredible stupid.
Her: OMFG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
Me: (as I step out of the car)...are you fucking kidding me?
Her: YOU ALMOST HIT ME!
Me: ...Well, if you cross the street without looking when there is this much traffic, you deserve to get hit, fucking moron. Get your fucking fat manhands off my car. I just washed it.
Her: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. I SHOULD REPORT YOU.
Me: Go ahead. Fuck I'll even call the cops right now. Maybe they'll bring you a helmet and a mouth guard to wear full-time for having an IQ of 47 (70 is the legal limit for mental retardation, FYI).
Her: FUCKING ASSHOLE. FUCK YOU.
Me: Well I see you're quite the cunning linguist. Your vocabulary is as deep as your box of Mars Bars. I hope to christ you're sterile.
Her: FUCKING ASSHOLE. GO FUCK YOURSELF AND YOUR FUCKING CAR, JERK.
Me: (pause...looking around at everyone else who witnessed this) ... Is this for real?
Her friends: SUSAN, OMG JUST GO. FORGET ABOUT IT OMG OMG.
Me: Yeah, Susan, just go before I decided to Darwinize you. Dolt.
After some more yelling from her to me, I realized I am a fucking asshole and that I jerk off my car because I apparently "cant drive for shit." This happens to me just days after I watched that movie Idiocracy. Never heard of it? It never made it into American theaters because the MPAA decided it was un-American. In short, its a movie about how America is destined to evolve into a people with a collective IQ of 12. IMDB it.
All in all, I am fairly confident that the majority of people are retards. How they make it this far in life without setting themselves on fire trying defrost ice cream on a stove is beyond me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-11 09:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
re-reading old stuff. still entertained.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-09-21 16:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-20 11:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-20 08:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
title is not original, doesn't matter, but it use to be a sick game for pc
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Aye. It was a badass game. I wish I still had it.
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your post prompted me to download Carmageddon 2 and i've been playing it nonstop. if you want it, i can get it to you. just let me know.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-09-20 20:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This didn't really happen.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-20 11:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-20 08:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
title is not original, doesn't matter, but it use to be a sick game for pc
===================
Aye. It was a badass game. I wish I still had it.
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-20 08:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
title is not original, doesn't matter, but it use to be a sick game for pc
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-20 08:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
St_Jimmy, you are correct with the Idiocracy thing. My roommate was the one who told me the MPAA banned it. I was just too lazy to check his facts. What actually happened was FOX was funding the film, and they were not too enthusiastic about the final product so they didn't release it. Instead, it was independently released in 10 select cities. Even with the release in 10 cities, the turn-out of people to go see the film was extremely low and you're also right with their hope of having the DVD release become highly popular with a cult market.
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-09-20 06:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, witty, and just shy of unbelievable. Just the way I like it, +3.
-1 for supporting Luke Wilson.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-09-19 20:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is rather overrated. Who doesn't have a story about almost slamming into some oblivious pedestrian or driver?
However, this does get an auto "Idiocracy" +2.
But you almost lost it for: "It never made it into American theaters because the MPAA decided it was un-American."
Huh? Where did you hear that? The MPAA does not decide what gets distributed to theaters, they only rate the picture. The production company (in this case 20th Century Fox) determines that based on how much money they want to spend on promoting the picture.
In fact, Idiocracy was released for a short time to theaters in NY and LA.
In my opinion, I think Fox didn't back the movie very much because, the beginning of the movie implies that, if you're reproducing today, you're probably a moron. Hence, the bleak future the movie portrays. Unfortunately, since most of the target theater-going audience probably has (many) kids, insulting them probably won't yield much in the way of profit.
So, they spent almost no money intially distributing the movie in theaters with the hope that the DVD release would find some cult market, which it seems to have done.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-09-19 20:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 despite my doubting you said half of this
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-09-19 18:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there has been about 10000000000000 incidents of me almost smoking retard pedestrians with my car since i've been driving through boston frequently the past 1.25 years or so.
there has also been about 100 incidents of me almost getting smoked while walking by retard car drivers in boston.
in conclusion, when i'm walking, all drivers are assholes. when i'm driving, all pedestrians are inconsiderate pricks.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-09-19 18:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You jerk off your car? How is such a thing done?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-09-19 17:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If that happens again you should pee in her butt and then punch her in the stomach as hard as you can so her muscles tighten and spasm, forcing her to contract her anus and shoot the pee that you shot up inside of her to fly all out sprinkler-style. For added effect before running to your car, you could spin her around so she really does water up her friends and bystanders. Before you peel out, be sure to make that "shuckashuckashuckashuckaslushaslushahshikikikikikikikikikikikik" noise the sprinkler makes when it resets.
Then point and laugh at her exposed snapper, pee ass and soiled travelmates.
The end.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-19 15:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-09-19 15:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fenway is a fucking deathtrap. Good thing y'all have the decent bars or it'd be shit.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-09-19 15:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Idiocracy is a hilarious movie and Carmageddon 2 is the absolute best video game ever. the soundtrack is all Iron Maiden.
i live in Chicago and frequently floor it through an intersection when it looks like someone is going to try to cross. i love that look in their eyes when they realize they will die if they do.
now driving through Manhattan... i almost hit someone every time i do. i think i'm going to start using public transportation when i'm there.
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-09-19 10:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time excelerate, you'll be doing us all a favor.
Keep right.
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accelerating might be a better idea...
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry, my dear. I've been busier than hell with the girls in the last few weeks. Drop me a link?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why hasn't MANIC stopped by my last two posts...after i gave "shout outs" to her?
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I Myself actually have run into 2 people in Boston. One douchebag decided to cross while the light was green and thought it would be funny to take his time. I let it be known that I wouldn't stand for it so I lightly "bumped" him. It was great. He was all like,"Slow down, Buddy!" And I said," Get outta the road, jackass! Next time I wont be so gentle!" And he proceeded to get outta my way.
The other guy I hit pretty damn hard, I thought I might be in trouble for a few minutes. Bastard came out from between 2 parked cars while I was driving, without looking to see if anyone was coming. I hit him doing about 20, and made sure that he wasnt going to die. I srsly thought about finishing the job at the time... Drive, then reverse...
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost got hit with my youngest in a paking lot the other day by some stupid twat with her cell glued to her ear and when she had to stop for us, she called ME a BITCH and yelled that I should be teaching my daughter to cross at the cross walk. "WHAT FUCKING CROSSWALK? IT'S A GODDAMN PAKING LOT YOU SELFABSORBED CUNT, PEOPLE AREN'T GOING TO LEAP OUT OF YOUR WAY JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO DO 40 THRU A PAKING LOT WITH YOUR HEAD STUFFED UP YOUR ASS. AND HAD YOU HIT MY DAUGHTER I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION WHEN THE POLICE COME TO ARREST ME FOR KNOCKING ALL OF YOUR GODDAMN TEETH OUT." was my reply. The look on her face was like I had slapped her. Then called out to my 4 year old that her mother was a teenage slut and drove off.
You think YOU hate the rest of humanity?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a good title of a post.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny enough but I'm willing to bet that your Miata isn't the car you really think it is.
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What else would I drive with the top down, blasting Wham! and drinking an orange Mocha Frappuccino!?
Jitter bug!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-19 12:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cunning linguist
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"before I Darwinise you" is an excellent threat.
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Agreed. Idiocracy is on my movie to see list.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
boshton
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have punched the bitch right in the mouth.
**SMACK** "JUST LIKE DAT"
ONE TIME BITCH!!! Fooking tard.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And Idiocracy added to my LoveFilm list. Stupid Americans = amused me.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Usage of "dolt" +2
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny enough but I'm willing to bet that your Miata isn't the car you really think it is.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i will look that up.
i like in vegas if a pedestrian is stupid enough to walk out in front of a car and get hit it's their fault. crosswalk with light only, the way it should be.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"before I Darwinise you" is an excellent threat.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-19 11:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-19 10:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
should of hit her.
Idiocracy is on Cinemax or Showtime this month. I forgot which one.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-09-19 10:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time excelerate, you'll be doing us all a favor.
Keep right.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-09-19 10:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The idiots are everywhere. +2 Idiocracy.