Karma can be a Bitch (1105 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dirk Slax <lostnphound.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-09-24 21:51:58 EDT
It was 1989 in western Ohio. I was 9 years old. I had just received a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sweatshirt with matching sweat pants for my birthday and was super stoked about wearing them to school. It was one of those mornings I was sure nothing could go wrong.
My mom, brother (10 years old), and I were sitting in the family van at the end of our driveway awaiting the school bus when my brother blurted out, "Mom, we're gunna have to miss the bus! I just pooped my pants!"
I was overjoyed at my brothers' debacle because we never really got along in our younger years. He claims that he was "trying to find himself." I say he was just being a dick. So you can imagine my delight as I climbed aboard the bus alone to tell his tale of woe.
I told the bus driver, the kids in the first row, and all of my friends. Even the high school kids in the back were amused by my brothers' plight.
The events that followed proved to me that instant Karma is possible and will fuck you in the worst way.
As the wheels on the bus went round and round I patiently awaited the arrival to school. Today was movie day for my homeroom class. Not only was I sportin' some new cool threads, but I got to watch movies all day.
As the bus pulled into the parking lot I rose from my seat and prepared to exit. During the ride an adequate amount of pressure had built up in my stomach and it was time to release said pressure.
"This can easily be done in batches of SBD's.", I thought as I made my way into the school.
My first attempt was successful as the ass demon exited with the grace of a warm, tropical breeze. My second attempt was nothing short of disaster. I began to push when I suddenly became aware that there was a train behind the whistle. I stopped dead in my tracks when what can only be described as a custard shit fell out of my ass and filled my underwear. One more push and I would have filled my socks. Mother of Fuck.
What was I to do? How could I explain this to my friends after I had just defaced my brother for the very same thing? So I continued on as if nothing ever happened.
When I arrived to class I tried to think of ways to delay sitting down. I knew it wouldn't last forever when the teacher asked me to take my seat. It was analogous to sitting on warm oatmeal and it smelled like death.
After morning attendance we all proceeded to move to the floor to watch the movie. I found myself adjusting frequently as the patty in my pants was beginning to dry out and become uncomfortable. At one point I had my knees pulled up to rest my chin. I made the mistake of putting my head down and got punched in the face with a stench that would surely jump start a vomit.
And that was how it went for me that day. Occasionally catching a wiff of the rotten turd that lined my underwear. Convincing my friends that it wasn't me that smelled like shit, it was that other kid. He's a jerk...
After that I went home and killed my brother by drowning him in his own piss.
www.youstinklikepoop.com
Cheers.
User Reviews
Submitted by greeneyedgrl (user info) at 2008-03-24 23:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-10 17:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Lord BartBart, grant to your humble servant the inspiration to write stories like these...
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-10 17:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-25 02:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BROWN GOLD.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-10 16:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats shitty dude.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LAWL
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOL'd multiple times....holy fuck was this a glorious tale!
Submitted by bruzwuld (user info) at 2007-11-09 16:16:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Utter rubbish
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-25 17:58:43 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-09-25 09:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was good, but not that good.
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HBTS: offering rational and measured rating since 2007-09-25 09:25:32 EDT.
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WTF? You're damn right that was a reasonable rating. I smiled. This did not kick my ass.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-09-25 19:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-25 12:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-09-25 09:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was good, but not that good.
---
HBTS: offering rational and measured rating since 2007-09-25 09:25:32 EDT.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-09-25 09:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was good, but not that good.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-25 09:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can't leave witty comment.....
choking... on ....bagle.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-25 09:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-09-25 08:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-25 08:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus fuck. Why didn't you go to the bathroom, throw away your underwear, clean up, and go commando (yet clean) under your soft new fluffy TMNT sweatpants?
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We'll never know. Besides, what kind of story would this be if I hadn't walked around all day with a juicy morsel in my pants?
when you gamble and lose it is important to immediately deal with your winnings. You didn't happen to go to fourth frade in SD did you? Some kid shat his pants and sat in the desk in front of me. I wanted to destroy him but I couldn't breath.
as to who shits thier pants at 9/10? the dirty kid. You know, the dirty kid that doesn't wash and shit. only the dirty kid would push thier day smelling thier drying, crusting filth instead of taking care of it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-25 09:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the train/whistle and custard shit lines...but who still craps their pants at 9 and 10 years old? Honestly?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-25 08:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I suddenly became aware that there was a train behind the whistle"
I was drinking coffee when I read this, and subsequently I had to clean my screen while everyone stared at me curiously.
Thanks!
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-09-25 08:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-25 08:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus fuck. Why didn't you go to the bathroom, throw away your underwear, clean up, and go commando (yet clean) under your soft new fluffy TMNT sweatpants?
==
We'll never know. Besides, what kind of story would this be if I hadn't walked around all day with a juicy morsel in my pants?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-25 08:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus fuck. Why didn't you go to the bathroom, throw away your underwear, clean up, and go commando (yet clean) under your soft new fluffy TMNT sweatpants?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-09-25 07:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ain't called the mudwhistle for nothin
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-25 02:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BROWN GOLD.
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2007-09-25 02:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Agree with previous comment...far too abrupt an end.
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2007-09-25 01:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
train behind the whistle
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-09-24 23:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poop
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-09-24 23:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh, welcome.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-24 23:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An old Marine buddy of mine, which is not to say I am or was a Marine...he was...is...a Marine...once a Marine always a Marine...or something...told me a story how he had to shit something powerful-like while he was flying in Vietnam once. When he landed, he ran for...somewhere...I don't know...the barracks? What are barracks, anyway? He said with every running step he squirted a fair amount. I understand he had to run quite a fir piece. That's hillbilly for "a long way."
Come to think of it. That was after Vietnam and he was flying into Sedona. Never mind. It wasn't an interesting story anyway. Whatever. There you go. Still, that guy cracks me up.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-09-24 23:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-24 22:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you really call it "finding yourself" when you're 10?
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Sure you can. He had breasts by the time he was twelve...GOSH!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-24 22:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you really call it "finding yourself" when you're 10?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-09-24 22:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My first attempt was successful as the ass demon exited with the grace of a warm, tropical breeze. My second attempt was nothing short of disaster. I began to push when I suddenly became aware that there was a train behind the whistle. I stopped dead in my tracks when what can only be described as a custard shit fell out of my ass and filled my underwear. One more push and I would have filled my socks. Mother of Fuck. "
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That there is quality writin.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-09-24 22:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Toilet humor always goes over well here.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-09-24 22:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-09-24 22:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I began to push when I suddenly became aware that there was a train behind the whistle"
For that line, and that line alone. The ending was way too abrupt.
Plus, I'm probably going to check and see if this was a copy and paste job. Your first post was too horrible to let this go unchecked.
________
Check away. I've got no reason to make this up or steal it from someone.
That sucks that everyone thinks my first post was horrible. I find humor in asking for money in a forum, but not everyone sees things that way. Maybe next time I'll ask for Arby's gift cards...
Thanks for the +2.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-09-24 22:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+4 for a solid post. And no cutting and pasting to boot!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-09-24 22:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I began to push when I suddenly became aware that there was a train behind the whistle"
For that line, and that line alone. The ending was way too abrupt.
Plus, I'm probably going to check and see if this was a copy and paste job. Your first post was too horrible to let this go unchecked.