I Think I Made Chuck Palahniuk Up (1223 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.46 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2007-09-25 19:40:59 EDT
Today I wake up and it is not okay to carry bags. Bags might have never existed. No one has ever carried a bag. I try to figure out how I'm going to carry all my stuff to class. My lap-top, two anthropology books, a pen, and a few tampons. I gather it all in my arms and I drop one of the books. Then it comes together: pen behind ear, extra absorbent tampon, leave the books at home and tuck the lap-top under my arm.
I'm driving to take Trey dinner, because he works 3-11 at Domino's and doesn't get a break to eat. The red light gets me. I wonder if everyone thinks intersections work the same way I think they work. The whole stop and go thing is too much for so many people to remember. What if someone messes it up? What if I'm wrong? What if you're always supposed to stop? I don't want to die.
Things work okay today. Things make sense, but I don't remember how to talk, how to make noises. I stay home and don't answer the phone. I wonder if I made everyone up. My family, the way my mother hit me, twisting my skin so it'd leave the biggest bruise possible. What sort of freak makes that up? Maybe I'm into S&M? Damnit.
A girl says hi to me in class. I think I worked with her last summer at the Help and Services desk in the Union. Did we? Do I know her? What if I've said hi to her over and over again so that she feels obligated to do the same? I can't tell acquaintances from friends from strangers. Everyone is too close, leaning too close. I go home and call my mother. I ask her what her name is, but I hang up before she replies. Of course it was a wrong number. Wrong number? It was the right number and the wrong person: me.
I turn the heat on the stove to medium and pull a frying pan from the cabinet. I wait for it to get hot, but it never does. Heat isn't real. Do people really eat? I close the blinds while I eat my sandwich, so they won't think I'm crazy.
My professor hands back my math test. I got a 103 and I'm excited. Then I remember I'm not taking math this semester. I don't think I've had classes for a long time.
I wake up Sunday morning. Today feels important, like I should be doing something. Church? Am I religious? I drink half a glass of water and try to remember if I'm crazy. The meeting? The place? Was it from a book I read or was that me? I think about Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club and I think I wrote it. I think I made Chuck Palahniuk up.
Mom calls. She wonders where I've been. I tell her I've been at home. I rest the phone in my lap while she tells me about my brother's wedding and I eat green beans cold, from the can. The lid cuts into my leg and I hang up the phone.
My daddy asks me to iron his shirt, press the collar down the way he likes it. I tell him we don't have any starch and can I have three dollars so I can get some? He doesn't answer because he's been stiff-purple dead for eleven years. I wonder what he needs the shirt for.
I go for three weeks without eating and then I sit kneeling in front of the fridge, scooping pumpkin pie filling out with a spatula. Then I realize it hasn't been three weeks and I'm not at home, just at my friend Maria's house. I think I'm supposed to feed her cat. I find the cat under the sink, sleeping inside a kibble bag.
Have I been born yet? Am I just planning? I'm making a grocery list, but it's my mother's list and I am sitting in the front part of the bugging, eating a donut with dolphin-shaped sprinkles.
Trey calls again. Wants to know where I am. Where is his dinner? It's almost eleven and he gets off soon.
Daddy yells about his shirt---hits Mama. I don't care.
I can't get out of bed. A man comes in my room and yells at me, tells me to get off his porch. I tell him I am dreaming, but when I wake, I can move his porch.
I swing the front door closed and it's Trey's face and he is bleeding and yelling and I wonder how he found me here in bed when it wouldn't stay put. Daddy will be here soon I tell him. He tells me to shut up and he fixes me a peanut butter and apricot sandwich. I eat it while he sits at the foot of my bed, bent over with his head in his lap. I can see the ribs almost poking through his sick white skin. Baby I tell him, baby, it's okay. I can bring you dinner, I swear. So I walk through the door at Domino's and give him a number five, plain and biggie sized, with a small chocolate shake. Daddy's not coming I tell him and he holds me and I cry and he pulls the covers over me, over us all.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-28 22:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
opps wrong post, I thought I was on CJ's post, I forgot I linked to this one. Carry on.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-28 22:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I laffed, but that be just because USF is beating the everlivin piss outta WVU right now.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-26 17:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 14:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm telling you, Shadow.
Crack kills.
...
I'm also waiting on the rest of your story...impatiently.
___________________
The thing with the story is... I moved over the weekend. And I'm probably starting a new job in aboot too weeeeeks which is not nearly soon enough, but as soon as I finish unpacking the new apt (I moved in with Jonukah, how weird?) I will have much more time for the writing.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-26 17:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this a lot.
This is where I pretend I'm as tall as the sky.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 15:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hannibal the Cannibal below...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-26 15:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i was gonna eat it
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-26 15:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-26 14:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
could you send me a piece of asploded licious? (like a rib)
k, thx.
===
Of course. You could use it like god did to create Eve, only for real, and a more kickass version.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 14:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Har Har @ 'asploded licious'.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-26 14:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for reasons that are nobody's goddamn business.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-26 14:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
could you send me a piece of asploded licious? (like a rib)
k, thx.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-26 14:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tori Amos makes my nippes hard.
I'm seeing her 3 times next month. I might asplode.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 14:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm telling you, Shadow.
Crack kills.
...
I'm also waiting on the rest of your story...impatiently.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-26 14:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nevermind! I confused you with inion.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-26 13:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
which story? I can't find where I reviewed something you wrote recently.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-26 13:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
caught in an existentialist dilema, huh? I'm pretty sure my marshmellow pumpkin is trying to impose itself upon me to prove that I am not human, just a bit of marshmellow fluff that learned how to dream.
Or something.
It's been a long week, but it's only Thursday. No! It's Wednesday! I have phone calls to make.
PS you never did tell me who wrote the story that mine reminded you of, that was over a week ago, but it's ok, the church on Verdon street is much more interesting at the moment so it will probably be a while before physics come back into play.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2007-09-26 13:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually I need some albums to buy so if everyone can say A MUST HAVE ALBUM, any kind of music I would be very grateful.
___________
Opeth - Damnation (acoustic & electric guitar, mellow)
St. Germain - Tourist (acid jazz)
Supertramp - Crime of the Century
Blind Faith - Blind Faith (classic rock)
Fleetwood Mac - Then Play On (classic blues)
Heart - Dreamboat Annie
Jimmy Swift Band - The Rebirth of Hooch (great canadian band from halifax, you might not be able to find this)
Just some personal favourites. Obviously Led Zeppelin, Tool, Janis Joplin, etc too, if you don't already have these artists.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-26 12:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-09-26 12:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-26 10:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost remember writing this but it must not be something I wrote because the details would be different and would involve violence and distruction that hasn't actually happened but could someday. if i'm lucky.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-26 09:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2007-09-26 07:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So, did you "write" this or did you just mash the keyboard in hopes that "art" would be created?
===
rofl
+2 for this review.
this post confused my esl brain so i'm gonna assume it's good cuz i'm benevolent like that.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually I need some albums to buy so if everyone can say A MUST HAVE ALBUM, any kind of music I would be very grateful.
So far I am getting
Nick Drake - Pink Moon
Curtis Mayfield - Superfly
Oh and if here isnt the place for it, then mail me at nickhallinbristol.at.googlemail.com
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chaos Jester - - Tori Amos sang with Trent Reznor on her tune "Past The Mission" and many believe her song "Caught A Lite Sneeze" is about him, since she refrences a 'pretty hate machine' in the lyrics. Maynard Keenan sang a duet with her on her live DVD when she performed "Mohammad, My Friend." Oh... and check out Hooverphonic's song "Battersea" on their Blue Wonder Powder Milk album - it freakin' rules.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I also like Sonic Youth.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
anyone else get arroused by this post?
I got to get over this psycho=sexy thing.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ah...
Oldie but a goodie, below.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like Miles Davis.
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Crap.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-26 08:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
saline..
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 07:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, crap. And here I thought I was such an individualistic little tigger with deep and conflicting social issues/beliefs.
...
Meh. Passionate music is usually good music and to me the artists I mentioned all have that in spades. Of course, much of the music I like tends to be melancholy, even when it's screamingly fast-paced. I've also been getting *really* into Hooverphonic recently.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-26 07:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 07:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
On a side note, I'm currently listening to a CD by Sarah Bettens. It's pretty nice, so far.
What does it say about me when my personal music collection features the likes of Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, and Loreena McKennitt right next to artists like Tool, Nine Inch Nails and System of A Down?
...
On second thought, perhaps that makes more sense than I originally believed.
--
it does. maynard and amos were good friends and played/sang a few duets together.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 07:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
On a side note, I'm currently listening to a CD by Sarah Bettens. It's pretty nice, so far.
What does it say about me when my personal music collection features the likes of Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, and Loreena McKennitt right next to artists like Tool, Nine Inch Nails and System of A Down?
...
On second thought, perhaps that makes more sense than I originally believed.
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2007-09-26 07:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So, did you "write" this or did you just mash the keyboard in hopes that "art" would be created?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-26 07:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok People
Did you know
In Baltimore, Maryland, it is not legal to take a lion to the movies.
well?
Oh im pretty and have a new camwhore, well its old but people need to know.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 07:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Never said it actually *was* drug-fueled, just that you seemed to be using that framework to construct this bit of writing.
I'm not trying to sound like a bastard; I actually think that this wasn't a bad post. I just believe that you're better than this.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-26 07:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 03:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I get this, I just think that you were trying too hard to sound randomly hip.
Chuck is a master of making a cocaine-and-acid fueled binge sound fun and insightful, but it gets old quickly (at least, to me).
---
this isn't random.
nothing is random.
nor is it drug fueled.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-09-26 06:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-09-26 06:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Welcome to my dogs world.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-26 03:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh oh ghola scares me. ina nice way, well not a nice way in a way I dont know what to think and have to eat some tuna.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-26 03:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I get this, I just think that you were trying too hard to sound randomly hip.
Chuck is a master of making a cocaine-and-acid fueled binge sound fun and insightful, but it gets old quickly (at least, to me).
...
Also, the mental image I got when I read 'extra absorbent tampon' (or, more specificaly, what you did with it) made my stomach go on strike.
Damn you for making me a sad panda with heartburn.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-09-26 01:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh... I think I liked this.
You been poppin' pills for lunch again???
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-09-26 01:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there's a cat in your drip pan.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-09-26 01:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You'd like it here on Tralfamadore.
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-09-26 00:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-09-25 23:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"stiff-purple dead" is a great phrase.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-09-25 22:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My eyes are too crossed to read all those words.
GO GLENFIDDICH WOO!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2007-09-25 21:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way I wrote this.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-09-25 20:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your writing.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-09-25 20:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that about clears it up
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-09-25 20:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel you. I just hate it when I fall out of time like that.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-25 20:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry, your thinking isn't nearly as circular or paranoid enough to be making this up.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-25 20:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think you upchucked I Think I Made Chuck Palahniuk Up
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-25 20:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...and that's why it was the best summer vacation EVER!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-09-25 19:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The same thing happened to me the other day
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-09-25 19:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What..the..fuck..
I don't know what to rate this. Have a +1 for confusing me.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-09-25 19:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment