The +2 Machine (562 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.02 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <scott.reynolds.at.mail.mcgill.ca> (View user info) at 2007-09-26 20:34:24 EDT
I/she/he is probably sitting somewhere. The place is probably described with lots of extra adjectives because that's what a good writer does. I/she/he is either crying or drinking. If they are crying, they are crying subtly and not overly emotionally-perhaps "a single tear slowly finds its way down through the jagged, unforgiving wasteland that is my/his/her face, and finally, suddenly, plummets off the sharp precipice of my/his/her upper lip, dropping, dropping, dropping into the abyss that is my/his/her whole life." If they are drinking, the drink in question is surely referred to by a specific well-known-but-not-too-well-known brand name, without mentioning the kind of drink it is because if you don't know that brand you're not cool. Maybe it's wrapped in a brown paper bag. Is the crumpled bag a metaphor for a crumpled soul? No one knows...no one knows.
Once the dramatic scene is set, I/he/she will surely return in my/his/her mind to the events that led to this catastrophe of human sadness. I/she/he was surely in love with someone, oh so very very much. This someone was surely just as in love with me/him/her. This is generally a constant. There are probably many, many more adjectives to describe the loved one-adjectives with three syllables. Maybe even some figurative language. Maybe "her body was as slender and graceful as a young willow, swaying in the wind." Usually by this point at least one swear word has been included, just so that everyone knows how much our writer means business. Our writer is so serious that he or she is not afraid to push the envelope creatively, or offend anyone, because he or she is a hard-nosed realistic person who is writing about the Real World. Not the fake, phony world all you phonies live in. Jeez. Phonies. Go out and get some Real World Experience.
The event being flashed to ends in one of two ways: the loved one dies (preferably) or is forced to leave our protagonist for reasons that undeniably leave me/him/her with a broken heart and scarred for life. The loved one, if dying, probably will also cry. Here we will encounter a vicious assault of adjectives. Perhaps "tears stream down her excruciatingly beautiful and strangely serene face". Tears always stream; this is also something of a constant. They are probably holding hands when he/she dies. I/she/he probably kisses my/his/her deceased loved one one final time after they die. I/she/he then returns to the scene where I/she/he is sitting, for some final ruminations and maybe even one of these two endings:
a) a dramatic suicide, quite possibly using "..." after the last sentence of the story. The last line is probably separated from the rest by more than the usual amount, for dramatic effect. Maybe there is a severely realistic depiction of blood, or a slang, shorthand name used for a gun, just to get in some more of that Real Life.
b) the loved one, if not dead, returns and makes one ambiguous comment that ends the story...a classic "My Fair Lady" ripoff. If the loved one is deceased, someone else makes some kind of similar comment, ambiguous but indicating the hope for a "new start".
And then a few more adjectives, just for shits and giggles.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-09-27 13:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"I/she/he thinks you suck...
Submitted by baronMunchausen (user info) at 2007-09-27 13:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-09-27 10:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sucked/shit/terrible
-------------------
The -2 is for your review. 2 other people already did that, and they were both much better.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-09-27 11:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-09-27 10:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sucked/shit/terrible
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-09-27 09:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by aldenso (user info) at 2007-09-27 08:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I couldn't even get through the first paragraph...what a shit stack.
-----------------------
Ditto
Submitted by aldenso (user info) at 2007-09-27 08:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I couldn't even get through the first paragraph...what a shit stack.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-09-27 06:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And then a few more adjectives!! (what's an adjective??)
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-27 04:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, I've read this again and perhaps I was a bit harsh earlier.
I've been feeling a little under the weather and cranky lately.
Still, this isn't worth more than a zero to me.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-27 03:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-27 03:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I get what you're trying to do, I just don't like it.
...
Fuck off/Get bent/Eat me.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-09-27 02:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok.
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-09-27 01:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-27 01:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-27 01:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-09-27 00:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/97863
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL this is some disfunkshunal shit
I like this place, I'm stickin' around.
Next pan the love story format.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:14:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by baronMunchausen (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you try writing WELL for a change. Quality control never hurt anyone.
Read some of my awesomeness, and you'll start to get it.
----------------------
That would have been a much better review to have written in the first place.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, but it wouldn't be as entertaining. At best you'd have said "thank you" and moved on if I had. At least this way I get reactionary entertainment.
Sure, I could help people become better writers, but it wouldn't be as funny. Figuring it out on your own is part of the process, and the reviews are why I stayed here in the first place.
Submitted by baronMunchausen (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you try writing WELL for a change. Quality control never hurt anyone.
Read some of my awesomeness, and you'll start to get it.
----------------------
That would have been a much better review to have written in the first place.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you try writing WELL for a change. Quality control never hurt anyone.
Read some of my awesomeness, and you'll start to get it.
Submitted by baronMunchausen (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...I am no kind of semen.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh hey sicosemen. I didn't know you went to McGill.
Submitted by baronMunchausen (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by J_Man (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76012
-------------
Good job, Sherlock. I guess it's obvious that I read that post and basically copied it word-for-word to create exactly the same product. Oh wait. I have never seen it, there is no reason to believe I have seen it, or any real similarities between the two besides that the both address the issue of a formulaic post-different kinds of formulaic posts, and with different critical approaches. But I'm glad we have guys like you around here to police us like that. Without your shallow comparisons, a few more people may have actually read and considered the content of this post-and we wouldn't want that happening.
Submitted by baronMunchausen (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you fuck off/die in a fire/have a nice day/skullfuck your mom.
--------------------
You know what I love about arrogant shits? How they find it reasonable to insult someone because they've been here longer than them, and don't take anything else into account when formulating an opinion.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm much too hard-nosed to be taken in by this.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read the whole thing... but if it inspires comments like this:
---
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-27 10:36:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you fuck off/die in a fire/have a nice day/skullfuck your mom.
---
...your machine works just fine.
Submitted by J_Man (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76012
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-27 10:36:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you fuck off/die in a fire/have a nice day/skullfuck your mom.
----
LOL
I whole-heartedly agree.
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more rape.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ok... I am not sure what this was...other than confusing.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not reading that. The first sentence made my head hurt.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you fuck off/die in a fire/have a nice day/skullfuck your mom.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not the first of its kind, but a +2 nonetheless.