People are Strange or, Things that I noticed today. (2875 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bigmike (View user info) at 2007-09-27 14:32:30 EDT
Hi all. Been a long time. Busy, busy, busy all the time it seems. Kids growing up, wife working, High School sports, etc. Life is a blur. Literally. No time to notice things or even pay attention to what's going on around me.
Except for today for some odd reason.
It's incredible what you notice if you take time to observe the things that are happening around you.
For instance:
I went shopping at BJ's Wholesale today. With the wife working, I now have to share in some of the household chores. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I never had a hand in these chores before, it's just that with wifey not working, she did most of the household stuff. Believe me, it's not like I was nineteen sixties guy coming home at night after an afternoon of recuperating at my desk from a three martini lunch, expecting my freshly made-up and pink apron donning wife to hand me yet another highball while portioning out a dinner of lobster newburgh to me and my two-point-five kids, all the while asking me how my day was and fawning over me like the concubine that she was.
Shit, was it really like that back then? No wonder they call them the "good old days."
I really am somewhat of a modern father. I drop the kids off at school in the morning, attend their sporting events, concerts, parent-teacher meetings, coach their teams, etc. I also like to do the shopping every once in awhile.
That every once in awhile happened today. It seems that my observant nature was working overtime today as well.
I get into BJ's, grab my trusty shopping cart, and head into the abyss. Once I fight the urge to stop and look at all the plasma televisions and digital cameras, I make my way to the grocery aisles. I am in search of meat. BJ's has a great meat section and the prices are pretty reasonable. I am walking down the main aisle and have to make a left hand turn into one of the other aisles to get to my destination. I'm just going along, whistling to myself, when all of a sudden I am stopped in my tracks. There is this woman in front of me who is taking up the whole aisle. Seriously. Not with her cart, but with her ass. This lady had a serious amount of assage. Incredible actually. I said "excuse me," to her because I always try to be polite and I was trying to get to the steaks. She turned slightly, saw I was trying to get by, and carefully sloshed to her left. I could hear the sucking sound she made as she slithered across the tile floor, ass in tow. As I came around her, I noticed two things. One, she had a boiler on her that Haystacks Calhoun would be proud of. Two, she was holding in her hand not one, not two, not three, but five-one pound bricks of butter. Real butter. Not that diet crap you see on the shelves. In her cart was also an assortment of junk food that could rival the best of the welfare cupboards in any trailer park in this country.
I didn't really want to think about what it takes to get as big as she was. I mean, I'm not small, but I'm a jockey compared to her. Seriously. I think if I were actually that big, I'd go easy on the heart disease, thank you. By the time I made my way to the beef, thoughts of her were gone however and I chose wisely, believe me.
BJ's has the equivalent of street corner drug pushers working in their stores. Every once in awile, you pass by a maroon aproned employee hawking little cooked items like pizza rolls or little fried shrimps. The one's employed by this particular BJ's were like carnies yelling at you as you pass by, wondering if you would like a little taste. Stay away from them, they are evil and dirty. Would it hurt for them to maybe wash their hair every once in awhile? I avoided them like the plague.
So once I have all my groceries, I do the whole check out thing with the severely disassociated and detached cashier. "Could she actually be a cashier?" I thought to myself as I approached her. Nope, no such luck for me. She is more likely an angst ridden, friendless goth who continually questions her sexuality while drinking herself into oblivion every night at the age of seventeen.
I went to her line anyway, just to see what would happen.
Shew didn't say a word. Really, not a single word. She stood there like a mannequin, holding out her hand for my BJ's card. I looked at her briefly, expecting her to speak, but she didn't. I figured I could play along with her. I handed her my card and began to load my groceries onto the conveyor. She dutifully rang the item up one-by-one. She even had to go around me to use her hand held scanner for the dog food and the case of water. As she bumped into me she didn't say a word. I replied with a few silent glares of my own. After she was done ringing up my purchase, she looked at me, and I swear to god this happed, she pointed to the total. It read $142.11. I looked at her for a moment, then I held my check up in front oh her and made a little writing motion with my left hand signifying that I needed a pen. She handed me one and I smiled, having all I could do to not break out in incredulous laughter. I wrote the check, she gave me the receipt, and I went on down the hall so to speak. I glanced back at her to see that she had taken up the same position she had before I got to her line. She was at the end of her conveyor staring out into the store, most likely contemplating her next suicide attempt.
Go figure.
So now I am leaving the store. I get to the old dude that is checking the receipts at the door, because that is what they do at BJ's, they check your receipts. There are no bags for the groceries or boxes or whatever. You just have a cart full of booty that you try to escape with once you are done paying. Right before I leave and he is ready to check the stuff in my cart, a woman walks in with her own cart and proudly states to him, "I have a return." He puts his hand up as if he is a traffic cop, signifying for me to stop. I fantasize running him over in my mind, the cart heavy with dog food and water popping his head on the tile, blood running out the front door for all to see, brains the color of overripe avocados being crushed under the bootheels of oncoming customers. I do stop however, and wait to see what it is he is going to do with Mrs. rude who just walked in.
He looks into her cart and reaches up to trigger the button of his handheld radio which is neatly secured to the neck of his BJ's t-shirt.
"Service desk, we have a return," he says rather loudly. "One jacket, one blanket, and, umm, some ladies unmentionables."
Unmentionables?!? My brain screamed the word as if I had just caught sight of the holy grail. I quickly look into her cart to see what is in there. I expect to see some Adam and Eve catalog shit. Maybe a double sided dildo named "Black Maxx," or one of those rabbit thingys that I have heard about. Maybe she has the ladies special Astroglide gift set or maybe she has the "Ben-Wah Vibrating balls holiday preview package."
No such luck.
She has a package of ladies fruit of the loom cotton briefs. What a friggin disappointment, I swear to Christ.
So I get out of BJ's and make my way to the BJ's gas pumps where gas is $2.83 per gallon. I am going to fill up my wifes van with cheap ass gas. I pull around so that the pumps are to my left because that's where the gas door is on the van. The other lane is open, but I don't care, I hate to pull the pump hose around the van to fill it. Subsequently, I pull up behind a car already parked to get gas. As I stop and put it in park, I notice the girl in front of me has exited her Nissan Altima and has approached the gas pump. Long and lean, blond hair, miniskirt with the type of legs that go right up and make an ass out of themselves. She's pretty hot and I watch intently as she removes the nozzle from its resting place and insert it into the hole. I sigh briefly and then I hear, "YOU KNOW, THE PUMP CAN REACH AROUND YOUR CAR!" I look through my open window at a vision of impurity that can only be rivaled by week old corpses that have been lying out in the ninety degree heat. Some woman had pulled up to the lane next to me, gotten out and started wondering why I wasn't in her lane getting gas. She decided, in her toothless and mottled way, to inform me of this. I just nodded my head to her and tried to avoid her stench as I turned to look back at the beauty ahead of me leaning over ever so slightly to pump her gas, skirt almost showing me the curve of her ass.
I hate people sometimes. But I think I might do more shopping anyway, just for kicks.
People are too strange.
User Reviews
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2009-09-03 07:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fuck?
all the old hands creeping out of the woodwork
i avoid dragging the fuel hose over the car as well if humanely possible
Submitted by eye_on_my_nonothing (user info) at 2009-09-03 07:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Obese person at the grocery store and peeved minimum wage worker... In the same place?? Crazy.
Submitted by dronebee (user info) at 2007-10-08 10:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-10-04 22:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-10-03 21:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this
Hi Mike.
Hey rad.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-10-03 21:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this
Hi Mike.
Submitted by pshuu (user info) at 2007-10-03 04:21:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shopping, one of America's favorite passtimes.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-09-28 18:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd lose it at that cashier. Poor, sad goth chick. They're so cute. Just knowing they will grow up with daddy issues gives me something to look forward to.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-09-28 17:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read all these already but didn't rate.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-28 17:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-09-28 12:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Clean Up on Isle Four"
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111823
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112074
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't read a Bigmike post in yonks.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-09-28 09:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-09-28 07:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People watching is my favorite sport.
Done any good fishing lately, BigMike?
As a matter of fact, I just had my fishing vacation a few weeks ago. Caught some sweet bass. Mostly 2-3 pounders. Largest was just over 4.
I love fishing.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 09:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really am somewhat of a modern father. I drop the kids off at school in the morning, attend their sporting events, concerts, parent-teacher meetings, coach their teams, etc. I also like to do the shopping every once in awhile.
is that an overly long euphemism for taking a dump?
always a pleasure to see a BM post (see what I did there? HA I crack me up).
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-09-28 08:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-09-28 07:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People watching is my favorite sport.
Done any good fishing lately, BigMike?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-09-28 02:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-09-28 02:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see you posting again big guy :)
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-09-28 01:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-09-28 00:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-09-28 00:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-28 00:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being entertained by people is fantastic.
Go to the place with the cheapest shit possible. Don't go there to buy things, but to watch the people. I swear to you, it's like moths to a bug zapper.
You mean like Dollar General or something like that? I can't stand those stores. Too many college kids and pregnant teens with their moms. Not that there's anything wrong with college kids mind you.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-28 00:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being entertained by people is fantastic.
Go to the place with the cheapest shit possible. Don't go there to buy things, but to watch the people. I swear to you, it's like moths to a bug zapper.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-09-28 00:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, so some of you remember me?
I'm glad you enjoyed this. I promise to proofread better next time. I hate these little errors that show up because my fingers don't work so well on this little keyboard my son bough to replace the old shitty one with the BIG LETTER KEYS.
Ok, here's where I answer your questions and reply to your comments.
___________________________________________________________
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-09-27 20:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is your wife happier working?
Yes, somewhat. She likes earning a paycheck and it gets her out of the house to do something other than stare at the four walls wondering what to do while the kids are at school.
_______________________________________________________________
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-09-27 16:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I *heart* bigmike
how are you darlin?
Thank you Merlina. I'm doing just fine. :)
__________________________________________________________________
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice post.
how about them Mets, man? seems like they're trying to lose it here at the very end. all i ask is if you guys make it and you face the Cubs in post season play that you sweep them. and shut them out in every game.
please?
Mets will probably not even make the playoffs. I can't seem to wrap my head around their incredible meltdown. It's so disappointing to me. Too bad about the cards this year.
__________________________________________________________________
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is sheer quality.
Thank you. I promise to proofread better next time. I was in kind of a hurry with this one.
__________________________________________________________________
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh thank my Dark Pagan Masters...
A BIG MIKE post!!!
How are you doing kaos? How are the book sales going?
________________________________________________________________-
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BigMike auto +2.
For now.
Wow. Hey Shlongmeister, how's it hanging old chap? :)
_________________________________________________________________
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hola Miguel!
Hello Had. Hope everything is well with you.
__________________________________________________________________
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where exactly do I submit my aplication for "ninteen sixty's gentelman"?
If there were only a place to do this.
____________________________________________________________________
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY CRAP
THE DEAD ARE RISING AND THEY'RE MAKING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE POSTS
Just joshin' ya Mikey...good to see you again! Try to stick around a little longer this time though, eh?
Time is at a premium right now, but I have entertained the thought of doing a little writing again.
_______________________________________________________________
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Mikey, miss ya!
Hey Method. How are all of you doing? :)
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-09-27 22:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew there was a reason I checked back in here today.
-Dave
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-09-27 20:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is your wife happier working?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2007-09-27 19:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-09-27 19:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I took them all in and they're all great.
This one's the best as it's the Muster for the rest.
yeah, look up Muster.
Really great to read fresh stuff of you.
Had a high Loki Gehalt, but that's a good thing.
yeah, look up Gehalt too.
Ass kicker!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-09-27 18:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-27 18:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-09-27 17:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nope, Pandora... they'll just make a sign and stare at you, all dull-looking.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-09-27 17:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The part about the mute cashier cracked me up! The same thing happened to my friend and I at 7-11 this morning. This junkie burnout cashier did the exact same thing, even when we asked her questions. I realize that 7-11 doesn't have much competition, so polite customer service probably isn't even required. However, without that one thing, there's nothing to stand in the way of these assholes being replaced by those scan-it-yourself machines. I bet they'll learn to talk real fast when they're out panhandling.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-27 16:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112049
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-09-27 16:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BJ's is just as much of an adventure as Costco and Sam's Club. All walks of life inhabit these stores.
A lot of the times that I go there, it's for stuff that I don't need. People watching is educational...
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-09-27 16:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I *heart* bigmike
how are you darlin?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-09-27 16:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, long time!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-27 16:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was nice. I really liked the spin-offs you inspired.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112044
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice post.
how about them Mets, man? seems like they're trying to lose it here at the very end. all i ask is if you guys make it and you face the Cubs in post season play that you sweep them. and shut them out in every game.
please?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is sheer quality.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh thank my Dark Pagan Masters...
A BIG MIKE post!!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BigMike auto +2.
For now.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hola Miguel!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Misanthropists unite!
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112042
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where exactly do I submit my aplication for "ninteen sixty's gentelman"?
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I live in a church-state so I go on sunday with the other heathuns...
we have Costco here...I like the name BJ's better
gas is cheaper here too
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You'll get no argument from me.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY CRAP
THE DEAD ARE RISING AND THEY'RE MAKING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE POSTS
Just joshin' ya Mikey...good to see you again! Try to stick around a little longer this time though, eh?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Mikey, miss ya!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"more likely an angst ridden, friendless goth who continually questions her sexuality while drinking herself into oblivion every night"
I KNEW I saw you...
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, that's good story-tellin'!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I go as early as humanly possible in the morning so that I can avoid interacting with most people.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BigMikey
we likes it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ps - good writings, as usual
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-27 14:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHOA!