There's No Way People Can't Not Notice Me (1254 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.95 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2007-09-28 10:10:25 EDT
Anticipating my date tonight, my first in a long time, I realized that I would need something to help me get my leather pants on. It's been a while since I've worn them so I know great effort will be required to get them on. I also know that wearing them on my date will seal the deal and so it's off to BJs I go.
I skooter out to my mini van and pull myself in thinking about whether I should have one of the boys take the skooter inside or leave it sit so it's ready when I get home. Deciding that I'll need it when I get home I put the car in reverse and head out on the highway.
I know I'm a big person but I also know that I'm far from alone in being a little hefty. What gets me is that car manufacturers seem to think they should only build cars for average sized people leaving me with my shoulder and arm smooshed against the window cooking as the hot summer sun beats down on the glass. Fuckers. I'd like to catch a car designer and force him to cook some of his flesh against a car window, then maybe they'd be a little more conscious of making such small cars.
Whatever. I finally get to BJs and pull into the closest handicapped parking stall available. I hate to play the handicap but... fat people get want they want cause they earned it and frankly the less walking I have to do the better.
I pour myself out of the car and slowly make my way inside. I look for one of the shopping skooters but it looks as though they're all being used. DAMN. I grab a cart and as I lean on it for a little support feel it sag and bend a little. Why is everything so cheaply made these days?
I can already feel the burn in my cankles as I take a few steps toward the dairy aisle. I can feel a few of my rolls sliding against each other as the sweat starts to form. My breath is short and I feel as though I've already run a marathon. Why don't they put moving sidewalks in stores? That's make life sooo much easier. I finally reach the dairy aisle and find the butter. A dollar a pound! HOLY SHIT! As I grab five packs of butter, thinking of future dates and my leather pants, I hear "EXCUSE ME". I turn and see this big fat guy walking behind me acting as though he can't get past me.
Exaggerating as much as I can I slam my sexy body against the shelves next to me to allow him to pass me. Fucker. I hope you die of heart disease. As he passes I feel something brush my ass and look down only to see this guy running his hand across fat roll 73 of my lower ass. Having not been touched there in quite a while I just enjoyed his light caress and melted a little inside.
Oh shit. The butter. I forgot I had it in my hands. I back away from the shelves and look for it only to find a big greasy stain on my blouse. Oh well... at least they can't charge me for it and I'll be able to suck my shirt on the way home for a snack.
I grab five more pounds and make for the checkouts. As I lumber past the kid hawking sausage I grab a handful and notice him making signals to the stupid looking girl at the checkout. Then I see the same ass rubbing guy get to her aisle and as I continue to make my way to her register I see them not speaking. She finishes ringing up his purchases and points to her register, he in turn motions for a pen. From behind me I hear the sausage kid "oh mother fucker it's on!". "Sam see the guy in checkout? Stop him.... Delay him I am going to kick his ass."
The transactions finished now and the ass grabber is making for the door. "Yo, it's Sam, I can't get up there right now I'm dropping a deuce". I hear the kid mutter "fuck" and he starts to run toward the door.
The ass grabber waits patiently as some selfish lady announces to the store that she has a return to make and the receipt checker announces that she is returning her drawers and some other shit. The receipt checker looks over ass grabbers cart and lets him through the door and the kid just misses landing one of the most athletic round house kicks to the back of the guys head.
The kid seeing that ass grabber has made it out of the store calls after him "that's right bitch! Get out of here and don't ever hit on my girlfriend ever again!" the kid turns to go back to slinging his sausage, sees me and yells "that's a huuuuge bitch".
As the kid walks by I trip him and then sit on him. After I'm confident he's naught more than human jelly I ask for help getting up and finally reach the register. I throw the bagger my keys and tell him to pull my car up. He refuses until I promise to show him my tits. That always wins em over. I pay for my butter and make my way out of the store and as I get back in my mini van to go home, slather butter all over myself and slide into my sexy leather pants before my date, I find five dollars.
User Reviews
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very entertaining imagery.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-30 16:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO PHILS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-09-28 18:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
har har fat
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 15:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha forensic. I'm not even fat anymore and NEVER like that. maybe he's just drunk.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-28 15:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The "mysterious scurrying people watcher"
That has a nice ring to it.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A generous it's-Friday-and-I-can-almost-taste-my-first-daiquiri rating for sure. I would never normally +2 fatties.
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Is this guy retarded or just plain stupid?
I believe he really thinks this was you.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
damn. i thought I had them all in there though in my defense he never interacted with anyone so maybe ffatty mcfatback just didn't notice the scurrying people watcher.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Has anyone else seen the irony that in all of these bandwagon posts, my character has, in fact, never been noticed?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love stories about butter.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-28 12:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-28 12:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hey, they have chairs with wheels and here I am using my legs like a sucker!"
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-09-28 11:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-28 11:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something about this made my stomache lurch.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, and some of my favorite beers are red beers. mmmm. lienie's red, huber red, even a killians here and there though not as much as others. i'm also a fan of bocks, black and tans, and scotch.
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You should try to make your own beer. As long as you use good ingredients, it's good, cheap, and simple.
Plus, you can alter it to your own taste.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
aw.... it's not like that Thorns...
i love you but not like you think
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i know this is late and that someone already did the fat lady but I just had to do it. so yeah...
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Show ME up, will ya?!? :(
Umm...yeah. Nice work. You did a much better job with this than I.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, and some of my favorite beers are red beers. mmmm. lienie's red, huber red, even a killians here and there though not as much as others. i'm also a fan of bocks, black and tans, and scotch.
haha at O.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks DR, I'd love to write for a living... there's that whole insecurity, what if i fail and being lazy thing to overcome though so instead I ammuse myself and hopefully others here.
yes, cornfused. I am not sure if it's a southern thing as I am not southern. I don't know where it came from but I will let it stand.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Found Five Dollars Blues
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beer isn't red you moron. I'm just saying you should go try and write something, for people who buy books. you know people who frequent stores that sell books for people who read them, and have money to buy them. and shelves to put them on. There are a few others, big dyke and kre8ix and danielh jack and ser-sea - maybe snark. well snark might do comics - like best case scenario. okay it's a long shot. kaos is pretty good too, but I think a book's beyond him. Anyway I'm going to bed before bart finds out I'm not as banned as he thinks I am. over and out.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"... at least they can't charge me for it and I'll be able to suck my shirt on the way home for a snack."
Hahahahah
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is that a southern thing?? cornfused?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cornfused?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nope, you're just that good.
canckles. heh
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're wasting your time here mate.
???? i'm cornfused.... maybe it's because of the numerous red beers I drank last night or it could be the scotch and water at the end of the night. mmmm scotch.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't advise a hair cut man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight."
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're wasting your time here mate.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHUT up Assapopolis .....go kiss Drogo with your bum hole.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 no penis
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, Em.
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: Bitches are to be seen and NOT heard.
*Pimp-slap*
Got it now?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pppsssst FG I think its CJs time of the month.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:25:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FG,
I dunno.
I'm bored, it's friday and I was getting a mite peeved on KK's post when everybody seemed to be glorifying in being Nerdy McBulgeAss.
...
Just ridin' the train till it runs outta steam, darlin'.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You see, with Mama there's
no nice way to break it to you.
She hasn't left the house
in over seven years.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A generous it's-Friday-and-I-can-almost-taste-my-first-daiquiri rating for sure. I would never normally +2 fatties.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.addictinggames.com/blackknight.html Happy Friday
CJ--what's all this about Ahab and his white whale?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
"As he passes I feel something brush my ass and look down only to see this guy running his hand across fat roll 73 of my lower ass."
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAARRRRGGGHH!
NOW THAR BE A HUUUUUGE BITCH!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh...
ATTN: Captain Ahab--White Whale paging Captain Ahab.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 10:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i know this is late and that someone already did the fat lady but I just had to do it. so yeah...