Lunch Time Antics (883 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.08 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (View user info) at 2007-09-28 13:02:18 EDT
I just got back from lunch and holy Jesus what a weird, weird series of events.
I went to D'angelos. As soon as I walked in the door, I knew something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it as I gazed around the room at the random people eating/ordering/thumb fucking each other. So, I stand in line, stare at the menu as if I dont yet know what I want and wait my turn to order. I catch a glimpse of the girl at the front counter. I get lost as I stare her up and down. About 5 foot 6, maybe 105lbs, short brown hair, tan smooth skin, a mini skirt that was begging to be removed, legs that went on for days and ended at what I can only imagine to be a perfect ass, and hawt bewbz to top it off.
Snap out of it, I think to myself. So, she orders, the guy ahead of me takes a phone call and lets me go around him. Now it's my turn.
"Medium steak and cheese, chips and a drink, please" I say to the cashier.
She replies, "A what?"
"Medium steak and cheese... chips and a-"
"Medium what? Cake and cheese?"
"..... No... STEAK, like from a cow... cooked with cheese on it, then throw all that inside of some bread..."
"Ohhh... STEEEEEAK and cheese. I thought you said cake rofl rofl"
"....Yeah........"
So after that incredibly weird interaction, I sit down and wait for my food. Just then I realized what was so odd about the entire dining are. It was infested with retards. Not retards in the sense that they were people who are morons, but actually mentally challenged individuals. Like... 20 of them. And the one hot girl, some older guy who was swearing about how his neighbors cats sleep in his car every night, and me.
Ok, so a restaurant full of r-tards, hot broad, old dude and me. I can deal with that. My food is ready and I go to pick it up. One of the tarded people run up and try to take it... FROM OUT OF MY HANDS!
"Wooooah there. This is my order. See?" I point the receipt. "Number 87. That was me. I think yours might be next." There is no way I was ready for what happened next.
He sits on the ground, starts pouting, then starts crying. Not like, gentle sobbing, but like a 4 year old who got his foot stepped on by a clown after his ice cream got stolen. Wailing, sobbing, snot going every where... retard temper tantrum. I wanted to laugh but I was so shocked I didnt know what to do. I go sit back down at my table and the hot girl was sitting at the table next to me. Both of us alone on our lunch breaks.
She says to me, "What was that about?"
"He tried to steal my lunch and I told him not to." I replied. So we kind of had some small chit-chat, trying to ignore the still-crying retard. Then, another order is called. Another retard jumps from his seat, runs to the counter, trips over the chips cart and falls directly on his face. Great. Now there are two retards crying on the ground like 4 year olds. What could make this lunch get any weirder / funnier?
So me and Carey (the hot broad) finish our meals. I get up and offer to take her plate to the trash. As I walk over to dump the trash, a different retard comes over to me. I turn around and he is 2 inches from me. I say, "Hey there.... Can I hel--" when he cuts me off. He doesnt say anything, though. He just starts smelling me. I am really freaked out at this point. I turn to Carey and make a "FUCKING HELP ME YOU JACKASS" face, and she mouths the words, "GOOD LUCK!" and heads for the door.
Fuck. So here I am, a retard smelling me, 2 inches from my face, drool pouring out of that slobber factory that is his mouth, and I dont know whether to shit my pants or run for the hills. So about 10 seconds after he started smelling me, realizing he's not going to say anything, I say, "Oooooooookay. I'll see ya later......"
"You--you bet--bet your ass you will.." He muttered back in a very mean tone of voice. However, he is a retard so I couldn't help buy laugh a little on the inside as he tried to stare me down with his semi-crossed eyes.
I get outside, and there is Carey, leaning against my car.
"Have fun on your date?" She says.
"Fuck you... fucking smart ass. I ought to tell him you have cheetos in your underpants and he has to get them out."
"Haha. That would be terrible."
"Haha, yeah I know. Hey I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere!" I say as I make a motion to go back inside. So we talk/joke around for a minute, part ways under the assumption we'll bump into each other during lunch break again some time, and I drive back to work.
Then on my way back, I see a woman walking her cat on a leash, and another woman pushing a puppy in a baby carriage. Where do these people come from?
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-01 08:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-30 16:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO PHILS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-09-29 09:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you never spoke to carey you are scared of girls
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-09-28 22:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
bang carey you homo
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-28 18:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:O
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-09-28 18:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you may have accidentally ingested some psilocybin spores on your way to the restaurant.
Submitted by sence (user info) at 2007-09-28 17:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
She wasn't walking the cat she was looking for a tree to hang it from. Actually a smart broad.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-28 17:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 16:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my cat trots along just like any well-behaved dog. sometimes she picks up a twig and carries it in her mouth for a while.
it's freaking cute.
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adorable.
yes, from boston. still live in boston. recent college graduate (may 07). GO SOX! going to the game on saturday. should be fun!
see you all monday. stay tuned for my drunken adventures at fenway.<3
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 16:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-09-28 16:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Walking a cat on a leash must really be hell for the cat. I mean, they're such assholes and all, you would think they would spend the entire time trying to escape.
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my cat trots along just like any well-behaved dog. sometimes she picks up a twig and carries it in her mouth for a while.
it's freaking cute.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-09-28 16:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Walking a cat on a leash must really be hell for the cat. I mean, they're such assholes and all, you would think they would spend the entire time trying to escape.
Dogs however, love the leash because they know that the minute they get outside on one, it's an immediate game of tug of war between dog and master. They love that shit. Then they get away and it's a fun game of chase where the dog ultimately ends up being outsmarted and running back into the house. Dogs are stupid cool like that.
I understand the whole city animal/leash thing though. Not all animals are lucky like mine to have a few acres of land and forest in which to run around and get in trouble/sprayed by a skunk.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-09-28 16:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ehhh so your from boshton too, eh?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-09-28 15:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought you were gonna end it by saying the hot broad was one of the 'tard group.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-09-28 15:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
LET'S GO RED SOX
*clapclapclapclapclap*
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-28 15:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
also, traffic in a college town is wretched.
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aye. Boston is a mess 90% of the time. if there's a redsox game, forget about it. it's suicide inducing if there's a double header. i used to live right next to fenway. driving around anywhere in the city takes 5 hours longer than it should.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-28 15:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That was you???
GIMME BACK MY FUCKING LUNCH...AND DON'T CALL ME A RETARD, JERKFACE.
I'm still wiping the snot from my clothes and face.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
also, traffic in a college town is wretched.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
little g - Crowded? How crowded could GA possibly be? What are there, five people on the street?
"Tarnation, look at this traffic!"
"Th...there are two cars on the road."
"Like I said. Traffic." *spits*
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ghetto apt complex
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
was this in georgia or texas? any state stupid enough to have two towns of the same name has a high likelihood of this occuring.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Do you know any OTHER slow or special people?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
little g - Crowded? How crowded could GA possibly be? What are there, five people on the street?
"Tarnation, look at this traffic!"
"Th...there are two cars on the road."
"Like I said. Traffic." *spits*
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
at least she didn't have one of those choker things they use to "leash-train" animals.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yesterday I drove past a lady taking her kid for a walk, and she had him on a leash.
He looked to be just around walking age, so it's not as if the guy was gonna run off on his own or anything. And though I can appreciate how it serves as a decent tool to get the little one on his feet a lot and build confidence, it did NOT look comfortable for him at all when he started to keel over and she tugged up on the leash/harness.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i walk my cats on leashes.
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walking a cat on a leash is pretty uncommon. i think i've seen cat walkers a total of two times in my life. that was the point i was getting at.
also, that is the only time i've seen a dog in a baby carriage. just an odd, random series of events.
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i live in a really crowded area and my cat wants to go outside pretty badly. I can't really let it out by itself, bc I'm afraid it'd get run over, run away, etc. So the only way it can go outdoors, is on a leash.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tards can smell the Herp, you know. Might want to get checked out.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like a pretty bosh day so far
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay tards :)
I just became a volunteer at a psychiatric rehab facility. I teach art to the crazys.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
makes me think of that dr. seus story, wacky wed i think where shit's all wonky.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what about a contingency plan?
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Haha. Oh I always keep the back burners on. Its a lot like cooking multiple dishes of food at the same time. Pay attention to one and as long as it's good, no need to give much attention to the other dishes. However, you still gotta keep the burners on light and stir the food so it doesn't burn and become uneatable.
I'm a master chef. However, I do really like my current ladyfriend so the back burners have had 0 attention for about 6 or 8 weeks now.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i walk my cats on leashes.
==================================
walking a cat on a leash is pretty uncommon. i think i've seen cat walkers a total of two times in my life. that was the point i was getting at.
also, that is the only time i've seen a dog in a baby carriage. just an odd, random series of events.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you didn't get her number? what the hell? i cant, in good conscience, give this story about retards a +2.
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I didn't get her number because I have a serious girlfriend. Otherwise I would have gotten it. =D
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what about a contingency plan?
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wonder why the retard supervisor didn't take them to Chuckee Cheese. Retards love Chuckee Cheese.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i walk my cats on leashes.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you didn't get her number? what the hell? i cant, in good conscience, give this story about retards a +2.
===============================
I didn't get her number because I have a serious girlfriend. Otherwise I would have gotten it. =D
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The off-handed way the pets are mentioned at the end really sold me on this.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you didn't get her number? what the hell? i cant, in good conscience, give this story about retards a +2.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-09-28 13:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is some insane guy on my block that pushes his dog around in a stroller. The dog also wears sweaters. I assume he's insane, not for the stroller thing. Maybe the dog's paralyzed. The sweater thing gets me. Why an animal with a fur coast needs a sweater is beyond me. Would you buy a jacket for a bear?