"Ma'am, step away from the bathroom! I'm trained to handle this!" (1018 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.01 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by pshuu (View user info) at 2007-09-29 04:53:29 EDT
I work at a hotel a few days a week. I'm the night auditor, which means I finalize charges to room accounts and run the closing paperwork for the day. No this isn't a resume; it's the cleverly constructed beginning to a story that has left me crying from laughing so much.
Working the night shift at a hotel can mean several things. Some nights I have a quiet uninterrupted shift of net- surfing. Some nights are so hectic and nerve-fraying I want to choke a baby. Tonight was one of the more quiet nights. There weren't any walk-ins to process... no late check-ins... not even any wake-up calls to put in. The only sound was the weather channel in the lobby and the James Brown music over the lobby music system (which I can't change).
All's well until I get this call from room 106, which is just down the hall from the front desk.
"Excuse me ma'am, there's a beeping noise and it's keeping us from getting to sleep."
"Oh. Well I'll be down in a minute, sir." I answer and promptly retrieve the housekeeping keys (just in case I have to get a screwdriver to remove a mal-functioning smoke detector). I knock and they open the door. It's completely quiet in the room.
"Hello," I say brightly, despite the fact that the ancient man before me is half naked and growing scarier by the second.
"It must be your smoke detector," the old woman across the room says, wrapped in a pink-quilted bathrobe. What's left of her white hair is in curlers. She looks at me as if holding back what she really wants to say, "This would'a never happened in 1957!"
"Hm. I don't hear anything," I say after a few moments of silence. After at least another minute and a half, it's still quiet.
"Well. It must have stopped." The woman says, her face scrunched. The old man nods his head and motions me out.
"It should be fine." He says.
"All right, well just let me know if you need anything, sir. Good night." I about-face and leave the room. I get into the back office about a minute later. The phone rings. I see '106' on the readout and curse.
"Front desk."
"It's beeping again ma'am."
"Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir. I'll be down in a second."
It hardly seems that much time before I have retrieved a screw driver from housekeeping and power-walked back down to the room. They haven't even closed the door yet. The man, thank god, has applied pants, but his matted chest hair reminds me of rolled razor wire. I wait around longer this time and I hear the beep. I move to a spot where I can accurately read the smoke detector. It sits there blinking every minute or so as it usually does in its idle state. No beep. Never-the-less I remove the smoke detector and bid them good night.
Again I make it back to the back office but before my ass can sink into the cushy office chair, the fucking phone rings again. At this point, I'm annoyed as hell.
"Front desk," I say in the same sweet tone I always use with guests, no matter how much agitation boils in my brain.
"Ma'am, this is the third time. This is ridiculous!" The wife is on the phone this time.
"Oh my gosh! I am so sorry ma'am. I'll adjust your room rate for you and be right down." This time I have a headache and my nose is starting to throb. The weather has see-sawed all week and this type of indecisive weather tends to cause me to have nose-bleeds off and on. At this point I feel one coming on.
This time, the old man sits on the edge of the bed rubbing his forehead as if the stress of picking up the phone twice has worn him out. The woman greets me with a frown and skin that is whiter than before, her cheeks bright red with what I'm assuming is rage.
"It'll beep in a second! You'll hear it." Her voice is full of tension but her short speech is devoid of curse-words... or the old people's equivalent of curse-words - "haberdash"... "poppycock"... "fish sticks" and the like.
I listen for a moment and the beep resounds. This time, it seems less like it's coming from a high point on the wall (staring at the smoke detector probably didn't help) and more like it's coming from the bathroom. I go into the bathroom, slightly more pissed that the lady is mad at me for the neglect of the hotel. Of course, it can't be a sure thing that it's the hotel's fault for leaving something to beep in their room.
I go into the bathroom and listen for the beep again. I get on all fours and listen. It beeps again. I quirk an eyebrow. It almost sounds like someone's pooped a tracking device that beeps every few minutes.
"I told you Clifford, we shouldn't have stayed here! The hotel staff members are all yahoos!"
My blood is boiling. Nobody calls me a yahoo. (Actually everybody calls me a yahoo. :-p) My nose is still throbbing and begins to hurt now. I look to the left of the toilet and when I look at the right of the toilet, there's a fucking cellphone beside the toilet and its battery is low.
'Oh my god,' I mouth to myself. Suddenly my nose explodes in a torrent blood, dripping onto the floor. I cry out at the pain of release and nearly collapse. The old lady hears and rushes to the door.
"Fuck!" I cry out.
"What is it?!"
"Don't come in! Don't come in, ma'am." It's all I can say as I pull wads of toilet paper from the dispenser.
"Oh my god! Is it a bomb?" I groan, the throbbing making my whole head hurt. She takes this groan as a yes. "Oh my god! It's a bomb, Clifford!"
"Oh my god!" I hear the man yell somewhere miles away.
"Call the police!" The woman yelps.
"No! I can diffuse it! Stay where you are. Don't call the police!" The blood flow slows down over the next few seconds and I rub my forehead, jamming toilet paper into my nostrils.
"Are you sure?" The woman stands in the doorway eyeing me. The phone beeps again.
"Oh god!" Her voice is shaky with panic.
"Ma'am step away from the bathroom! I'm trained to handle this!" I shut the door with my foot.
"Shit."
I pick up the phone, turn it off and shove it into my pocket. My first instinct is to make a "bomb" so I grab the box of Kleenex from the counter and wrap it in a towel.
"Is everything... okay?" The woman says from the other side of the door.
"Yes. Everything's fine. I have the bomb contained. I need you to stand clear of the door and I'll remove it." I clutch the bundle under my arm and open the door, kicking it fully ajar with my foot. Both the man and woman are standing in the farthest corner of the room, white as a sheet. I hold out my hand, palm towards them, fingers stiff.
"It's all right. The bomb is dead now." Instant belief at my words sets on, "The bomb is dead now."? Like it's a giant roach or something. I stifle laughter and open the door. "Oh," I stop myself, retrieving the cellphone and tossing it on the closest bed. I leave the room without another word. I sprint back to the front desk with the bundle, laughing along the way. I'm laughing so hard that my fucking nose is bleeding again. Stupid people stay at the hotel all the time... but this is by far the funniest experience I've ever had. I can't wait to see what happens in the morning. I'll be here for a few hours in the morning before first shift comes in. ^_^
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-28 02:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bootcamp man.
Submitted by pshuu (user info) at 2007-10-03 03:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This really did happen. Funny enough, wierd and stupid shit happens all the time to me at this job. The people were pretty old so they totally fell for the whole bomb thing.
I really don't see how this situation makes me suck at my job though.
Recently, a hose came loose from the second floor ice machine and flooded most of the second floor hallway... there was a fucking waterfall from the second floor down to the first... pretty fucking disgusting. Turned off the water and went into housekeeping to get a bucket to catch some of the last water drips... fucking brown shit-water was raining down. I smelled like mildew until my husband gave me some clothes and I got a shower in a vacant room. God that was horrible.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-01 12:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-10-01 10:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-01 09:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i was almost inspired to re-write this and turn it into something a little different, kinda like this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/110635, but then I wasn't. Honestly though it was ammusing enough to get a positive rating from me.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-01 09:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-01 09:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-30 12:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You could've done a lot more with this.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-10-01 08:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-09-30 19:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't really get why this is rated so low - it's not amazing but it's better than a picture of a bunny that everyone seems happy to +2.
~~~~~~~
true
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-01 03:53:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry for adopting the pack mentality and not being supportive of you in your fledgling posts. Welcome, stick around if that's what floats your boat, you're starting to convince me you're not an alter.
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2007-10-01 02:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bah, this story is a lie. It's still chuckle-worthy.
If it hadn't resolved, I would have suggested checking the microwave. Cheap Wal-Mart appliances usually start going nuts after a year or so in a hotel...and microwave beeps are easy to confuse with smoke detectors.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-30 22:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-09-30 21:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This isn't that bad.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-09-30 19:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't really get why this is rated so low - it's not amazing but it's better than a picture of a bunny that everyone seems happy to +2.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-30 16:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO PHILS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-30 12:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You could've done a lot more with this.
Submitted by pshuu (user info) at 2007-09-30 00:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That couple came down this morning and were all discreet about the event. It seemed less funny when they came down. Even I admit it was only funny when it was happening. And I'm pissed off that I typoed so much. Thanks for the reviews.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-09-29 18:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
^_^
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That got you the -1
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-09-29 18:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-09-29 17:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
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Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-29 17:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2007-09-29 12:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It was a zero rating until this..
^_^
Honestly, what the fuck, emo kid?
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I read reviews before I read a post (unless I know the poster), and the fact that you emoticoned in your post means auto no read -2.
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Tolerance on uber is at an all-time high. That being said, this was mediocre at best. It was developing into a solid +1, but kinda fizzled at the end. Also there were many asides and/or parentheticals. Or whatever the fuck you call them.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-09-29 17:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-29 17:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2007-09-29 12:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It was a zero rating until this..
^_^
Honestly, what the fuck, emo kid?
---------
I read reviews before I read a post (unless I know the poster), and the fact that you emoticoned in your post means auto no read -2.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-29 13:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-09-29 11:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Could've been worse, but could've been a lot better.
*********************************
Do better next time, CD.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-29 12:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-09-29 12:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this could have been funny
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2007-09-29 12:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It was a zero rating until this..
^_^
Honestly, what the fuck, emo kid?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-09-29 12:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-29 06:23:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I work at a hotel a few days a week
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Again? Everyone has worked at a hotel, even I worked as a night auditor for a couple years. I'm not buying the story though.
~~~~~~~
Even me.
When I was twenty I was the hotels bar manager and its the only job I have been fired from.
Believe it or not it was to do with me refusing to tuck my blouse in. They were lucky to even get me WEARING one.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-09-29 11:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Could've been worse, but could've been a lot better.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-29 11:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sounds like you suck at your job. And writing.
Try again soon.
Submitted by platonicchic (user info) at 2007-09-29 11:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not as easy to write a funny story as it is to tell one, is it?
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-29 09:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, not bad. Suprisingly enough, I didn't hate this.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-09-29 09:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
why hyphenate malfuctioning and nevertheless? why try and pass off a shit story as a factual event? why do other things?
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-09-29 07:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've got a cold, just coughed up some lovely textured, yet many layered and interesting pieces of my inners.
It got stuck in my throat on the way up, and after some tedious niggling, I got it out and into the tissue.
Then I read this and experienced a mild case of deja vu.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-29 06:23:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I work at a hotel a few days a week
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Again? Everyone has worked at a hotel, even I worked as a night auditor for a couple years. I'm not buying the story though.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-09-29 06:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I guess you did.
It felt like a very laborious read for a very weak ending.
Submitted by pshuu (user info) at 2007-09-29 05:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
_______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-09-29 05:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Guess you had to be there.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-09-29 05:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh.