A Bum Tried To Eat Me (916 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.51 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (View user info) at 2007-10-02 13:04:59 EDT
When I was a sophmore in college, I lived down the street from a pizza house which also made delicious subs. I went there frequently. This night in particular was no exception. My friend Tanya called me up and wanted to know if I wanted to go to her place to study with some other kids in our class for a text the next day I said sure and grabbed a steak and cheese before I made my way to her place.
I get the sub, put it in my backpack and start walking to her dorm (I lived off campus). It was probably a 10 minute walk, if that, to her place. So I'm on going along my merry way when I see a hobo. No big deal. The light turns red at an intersection so I stand there while the cars go an await a moment to cross. The bum comes up to me while I am standing there.
"Hey buddy. Got any spare change?" He says, his breath smelling heavily of cheap vodka.
"Lemme check" I fumble in my pockets and am able to snatch up like $0.15 for the guy. "Here ya go."
"Hey thanks..... Got any more?"
"Um... no? I just ga--"
"HEY! What's that smell?" He started sniffing around me. "I can smell food! You got any food on you? You HAVE TO!" He starts trying to paw at my packback to unzip it and steal the delicious sub inside.
"Hey! Get your hands off me. The fuck are you doing?"
"I know you got some food. Give it to me!" He makes a motion as if he is going to try and take a swing at me. I quickly debate whether I should hit him first, push him away from me, or just dodge his punch and try to calm him down. Before I got the chance to decide, instinct took over. He lunged at me, fist clenched, and I dodge him and pushed him to the ground with his own momentum.
"What in the mother of all fucks are you doing!? You're a crazy asshole! Fuck!"
"Hey fuck you man. I smelled food, you goddamn communist!"
"Did you just call me a fucking communist? Fuck you. Goddamn asshole."
He tried to get up but fell over again. I dragged him away from the curb and pushed him against a wall on the inside of the sidewalk where he was away from traffic. I could hear him sniffle a little bit as I left him. I almost felt sorry until I realized that he actually had tried to mug me and steal my sub. I turned back to make sure he wasn't trying to follow me when I noticed a small pool of liquid flowing out from beneath him. He was pissing himself. Then he coughed really roughly and spit something up that could only be described as horrid. Black goo with small chunks. I was too far away to really see what it was at this point. It was disgusting nonetheless and almost made me lose my appetite.
I laughed about it later that night over a few beers. Needless to say, no studying got done. It was more like us watching the Red Sox, drinking beers, and playing cards. I walked a different route to get home that night.
College was awesome.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-03 15:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only wish I had read this sooner.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fine, since you didn't get all stupid and defensive, +2
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-10-03 08:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fey - he tried to mug me. think about it. how would that be different if he robbed a store, stabbed someone, or shot someone for food? its not. its still physical violence with the same intent. how is it different from someone mugging me in a park for my money? i (assume to) have more money than the mugger, just as if i had more food than a homeless person. its the same thing.
Hookhand and haikumikoo - this really did happen to me.
lambchop - i went to northeastern
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2007-10-03 00:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
empathetic - way to make snap judgements based on no information whatsoever.
rhymen - what bugged me about this is that you were trying to play the victim card when somebody tried to mug you for food. Food, man. Think about it.
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Yeah.
Submitted by pshuu (user info) at 2007-10-02 23:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good stuff... I kind of feel sorry for the bum, too.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-10-02 23:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This would be a +2 if I thought it actually happened.
* editor's note; I had this as a +1 and changed it before I posted
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-10-02 18:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny old thing, life
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-10-02 17:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where did you go to school?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-02 17:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-02 14:20:37 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-02 17:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't know why you're arguing with Fey about something that never happened to you.
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Partially because I feel that her argument is devoid of merit, and partially because
I HAVE in fact been in that position. That of the bum's that is. I was homeless for quite some time, and I've known many, many bums, and there are a million ways to get out of that predicament.
Food, clothing, and shelter are widely available.
But you have to put forth the effort to get out of that position.
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My comment was directed at the OP.
My sister was homeless for a number of years, as was one of my best friends, I know a little about what goes on (it really is just a little, that wasn't supposed to come off as, hey buddy, I think I know what I'm talking about blah blah blah).
You know, I can almost pay my rent just donating plasma.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-02 17:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-02 17:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't know why you're arguing with Fey about something that never happened to you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Partially because I feel that her argument is devoid of merit, and partially because
I HAVE in fact been in that position. That of the bum's that is. I was homeless for quite some time, and I've known many, many bums, and there are a million ways to get out of that predicament.
Food, clothing, and shelter are widely available.
But you have to put forth the effort to get out of that position.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-02 17:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't know why you're arguing with Fey about something that never happened to you.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
empathetic - way to make snap judgements based on no information whatsoever.
rhymen - what bugged me about this is that you were trying to play the victim card when somebody tried to mug you for food. Food, man. Think about it.
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Quit drinking and get a job ya bum! Think about it.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
empathetic - way to make snap judgements based on no information whatsoever.
rhymen - what bugged me about this is that you were trying to play the victim card when somebody tried to mug you for food. Food, man. Think about it.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-10-02 15:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just found out that SG gave a bum 20 bucks on her way home from the office last week. Would it be wrong to choke her for that?
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dude, give it up - we all know you don't have a girlfriend and that you give blowjobs to strange men in bathrooms.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Black goo with small chunks"
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That's called "Drunkard's Gut."
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
u shuld have told him that you would trade him the sandwhich for all of his clothes then when he gave u all the clothes snuff him in the eye and run away with them and throw em in the garbage.
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-10-02 15:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just found out that SG gave a bum 20 bucks on her way home from the office last week. Would it be wrong to choke her for that?
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2007-10-02 15:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck the homeless.
Sure, times are tough, but I'm not a fucking billionare.
And don't give me that homeless vet crap. They have special programs JUST for vets.
Empathy, Fey? Are you giving YOU food and YOUR money to every homeless person you see?
Hypocrite.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-10-02 15:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
-1 Total Lack of Empathy. And not even in a funny way.
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You know you're right... next time I'll let him assault me, steal my food, take my wallet, give him my pin number, give him my car, and whatever else he wants as long as he is in fact homeless and smells like alcohol.
Right.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-02 14:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wrong vector on previous approach
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-02 14:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It seems that your dogma just ran over your karma
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-02 14:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You are aware that you could have killed him and harvested his organs, right?
or at least added them to the samich for added bum flavor.
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, I hope you enjoy that Tuberculosis he gave you as a lovely parting gift....
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
endlessly fascinating story.
next you should tell us about that time you brushed your teeth.
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
centesis..
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
-1 Total Lack of Empathy. And not even in a funny way.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
soylent green
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, but I was just really hungry that day.
I still aced my O-Chem final the next day though.
BUMS ARE SMART!
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You are aware that you could have killed him and harvested his organs, right?
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You've got a solution to the homelessness problem right there.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for crazy bums
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You are aware that you could have killed him and harvested his organs, right?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-02 13:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, I hope you enjoy that Tuberculosis he gave you as a lovely parting gift....