Blistered- Grueberfest 07 (931 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.16 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (View user info) at 2007-10-02 15:57:32 EDT
BOOM!
I'm off and running as soon as we hear the first deafening blasts piercing the still dawn air.
The forest we're in begins falling around us, trees are splintering and bursting overhead while the ground rises to meet the sky, and I'm running faster and faster, trying to get out of the woods.
Running for the trenches, running in a full sprint, blind panic and I can't think, but my muscles know what to do, and the branches are hitting my face and my heart is pumping, and my veins are burning, and I'm breathing in ice, and I can taste the blood, and can hear the sharp crack above me and oh god oh god oh god the ground is rushing to meet my face!
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March 22nd, 1918
I've been drifting in and out of unconsciousness for quite some time. I awoke this morning to a surreal landscape. All before me is black and charred; a wasteland in what was not long ago a dense forest.
I am pinned beneath a rather large section of Oak, and considering that I don't feel any pain past my waist, I'm quite certain I am paralyzed. Not having to feel what should by all accounts be excruciating pain is one small fortune. The other is that Farley, our radio operator, was fallen nearby.
I managed to hook his pack and radio strap and pull it off of his corpse with one of the branches from my "cage", and have let HQ know what has happened. Unfortunately, I was informed that as the cover in my position has for the most part disappeared, it may be several hours before they can reach me. They haven't seen anyone else from my squad.
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I've just finished eating Farley's C-ration and I'm feeling quite tired.
I spent the remainder of the afternoon attempting to dig myself out from under the trunk, but I soon realized that I could easily puncture my femoral artery without realizing it.
I dialed up HQ on the radio again to find out where they were. They said that they had tried to send a medic, but as soon as he got over the trench, he was picked off by sniper fire.
I'm just going to have to wait until they can advance close enough to dig me out.
For the moment, I've decided to try and make myself comfortable.
I began to strip Farley, as spending the night out of the trenches and without a blanket will kill me quicker than infection, and he certainly won't need them anymore. While I was getting his pants off, Farley's body convulsed as a round pierced his chest. I dropped him as soon as the shot rang out, and tried to lay as still as possible. I'm camouflaged by a branch with some leaves, but I'm afraid to move as the rustling may draw attention. I'll be lucky if I sleep at all tonight.
March 23rd, 1918
I woke up this morning, and the first thing I heard was the laughter of the Huns. They must be closer now, though I can't see them. I've cut off the radio to silence the random chattering, and I hope HQ hasn't given up hope on me. I want to get on the phone and tell them to get off of their asses and get up here, but it's just too risky.
The Huns have been busy all day, digging away at the trenches. I would estimate by the sound that they are only some 50 yards off now. Occasionally I hear the thump of a barrel being moved, and it has made me consider how low on water I am.
Looking through the leaves, I think I can make out a gulley leading back to our lines. I've decided that if I'm not rescued by tomorrow, I'm going to have to do the unthinkable and cut my legs off with my trench knife.
I'm alone, cold, scared, and the smell from Farley is beginning to make me retch.
If I don't make it out alive, and by chance someone finds this journal, please tell my family that I love them, and I died honorably.
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.POP
Fshhhhhhhhhhhh
I wake up and there's a fog blowing toward me, and as it gets closer it begins to smell familiar.
Ohgodohgodohgodohgod it's burning my skin, and the bubbles are blowing up all over my arms and legs and nose, and I'm whimpering and I'm blind and it's burning and burning like the fires of hell whose flames are searing my flesh and I can barely see but I take my trench knife and start to hack at my legs.
I'm gritting my teeth trying not to scream, but I don't know if I can hold it much longer, and my face is wet, but it's not tears, it's the blisters bursting on my nose and cheeks and I hit something hard and it's bone and I can't get through it so I cut around it and there's blood everywhere and all that I see through tears is kaleidoscopic crimson, and I'm still not free and the knife is making a sound like "schhhlllkkt" as it hits the bone and finally I hear a crack, and then I work on the other side, and another crack, and I'm free.
I'm frantically dragging myself hand over hand as I crawl towards the gulley and the tears are flowing and mixing with the draining blisters and I think my skin is melting and I'm on fire and I don't know how much farth.....POP
User Reviews
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-08 03:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still good :)
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2007-10-07 12:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This had some problems, but the idea was different enough for a +2.
Should have been longer, and get rid of those sound effects.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-06 23:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-06 19:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've read better shit on bathroom walls. . .
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http://www.thewritingsonthestall.com/
Writing 353, via Diane
John Yeats Middle School
Suffolk, Virginia USA 23435
Women's restroom, 1st and only
"Killing for peace is like fucking for chastity."
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-10-06 23:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad aim but still thinks it contains a message, below.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-06 19:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've read better shit on bathroom walls. . .
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-06 18:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what you could do with the whole, lack of POP, at the end, but I do agree it's mildly annoying.
I don't know, if he turns to see someone pointing a gun at him, and you end on that note...it's kind of ambiguous I guess, but potentially better than POP.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-05 22:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-05 21:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, 'I turned around and heard a small pop followed by a hissing sound...'
What about something like that?
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Fair enough man, fair enough for that part.
I'm still defending the pop of the rifle that killed him though.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-05 21:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, 'I turned around and heard a small pop followed by a hissing sound...'
What about something like that?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-05 20:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't get cocky kid. I +2 a lot of shit.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-05 20:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-05 13:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is a big difference between...
'He heard a popping sound and turned around'
and...
'He turned around... POP!'
It may be just me, but I've been grousing about sfx in stories for years now on Uber. They kick me right out of the story.
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I know there is a difference, and I don't particularly like to use sound effects, but I didn't really think that it would sound right if I had to stop my 1st person perspective mid sentence, and narrate that he had been shot.
If I didn't make use of the SFX in this instance, I don't know how else I could have conveyed that point, though I'm certain it probably could have been done.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-05 13:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The idea behind this was okay, but there were too many things that kept me from connecting with the character. Formatting was one, and sound effects. Sounds effects when written as sound effects always kill a story for me. Always. Also, it was really short (not that I'm suggesting you post a bloated carcass like I did), with no chance to know the character.
But sfx, man, they kill me.
There is a big difference between...
'He heard a popping sound and turned around'
and...
'He turned around... POP!'
It may be just me, but I've been grousing about sfx in stories for years now on Uber. They kick me right out of the story.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-05 10:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-10-04 22:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-10-04 22:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-10-04 21:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick-ass idea.
Needs to be about three times longer.
Still, +2 for coloring outside the lines.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-03 15:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs to be longer so the reader really gets into yur character's mind. I'd just started when the story ended. A good idea for a story.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-10-03 15:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this, and want more (but that's just the kinda gal I am)
Well Done!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-03 13:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-03 12:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-03 10:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-02 20:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is pretty good for a first round story. I don't personally care too much about accuracy of chemical effects and such, if it's written so that it sounds realistic enough to me. And nobody wants to go up against Jack in the first round- I'm going to round up to a +2.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-03 09:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Written well overall, but didn't really get a "horror" vibe from it. Dunno, I guess war stories just don't do it for me.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-03 09:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like it, I just wanted more.
But you've got me interested in the physical effects of chemical warfare.
Must go look it up...
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-10-03 08:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-10-03 08:10:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not bad
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-03 08:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not bad, but not the best I've seen.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-03 06:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What they said.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-02 20:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is pretty good for a first round story. I don't personally care too much about accuracy of chemical effects and such, if it's written so that it sounds realistic enough to me. And nobody wants to go up against Jack in the first round- I'm going to round up to a +2.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-02 18:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps I didn't seperate the sections well enough or something...:
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Not bad, but the end is a bit confusing. How is he continuing the journal if his skin is blistering and he's blind?
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The beginning and end aren't journal entries, as they aren't dated. They are internal dialogue.
This response also starts to explain ahumblefool's opinion.
Submitted by baronMunchausen (user info) at 2007-10-02 18:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hm. Almost.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-02 17:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, but the end is a bit confusing. How is he continuing the journal if his skin is blistering and he's blind?
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-10-02 17:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This sounded pretty at times, but an overall "What?" from me.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry bro...
It just didn't do it for me horror wise...and mustard gas doesn't effect for 4-24 hours after exposure. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mustard_gas
It was a decent read though but a little research would have pumped it up.
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Fuck, I actually looked at that page too, just got so into the writing part that I overlooked fact in favor of fiction.
Same deal with CJ's comments below.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry bro...
It just didn't do it for me horror wise...and mustard gas doesn't effect for 4-24 hours after exposure. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mustard_gas
It was a decent read though but a little research would have pumped it up.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your first paragraph...spot on! I reread that four times. I could feel myself in his place, I could feel the blood pumping in my veins, loved the visual image you created.
Middle section. Lost me. Where was the great visual detail from the first paragraph? The story line was right there, ripe, tantalizing me forward, then it disappeared.
Last section. Back to gold, I could smell his fear, I felt his pain. I think you created a fantastic start and end, but disconnected in the middle.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not sure if WWI ground-pounders had access to portable radios or, if they did, if they'd be able to successfully operate them considering the circumstances.
Also, your protagonist seems to know a lot for a U.S. grunt in 1918.
Other than that, this wasn't bad.
+2 for the chemical warfare. Shit always gives me the creeping willies.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-02 16:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
going for "gritty realism" of course.