The Early Flesh Harvest- Grueberfest 2007 (828 hits)
Category: Politics -> LibertariansLabels: Grueberfest_07
Rating: 1 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2007-10-03 11:10:14 EDT
She clutched her child to her chest, as she ran through the crowded streets, dodging everyday people going about their everyday lives oblivious to the perils they are in.
Glancing over her shoulder she caught a glimpse of herself in a shop window, mid thirties, five foot ten, a little over 114lbs, black straight hair and the long grey coat spewing off her shoulders as she tears her way through the back streets of Beijing. Her baby wrapped in a blanket, its occasional cries of discomfort, muffled by the wind rushing past as she ran even faster.
She ran down an alley way and slammed her back into the wall, two large bins guarding her from the world outside. Her breathing was deep and heavy, and she didn't dare look round yet, she moved the hair from her face and slowly pulled her baby from her chest.
Its little eyes looking back at her, and wrinkling its nose, it sneezed all over her arm. She couldn't help but laugh at the look of mild horror and confusion on her face having sneezed for the first time.
"I'll call you Yue-Yan... do you know what that means cutie?" Another sneeze followed by another look of horror, "it means happy and beautiful. Fitting huh?"
She glanced at her watch. She was going to be late unless she took the train... that was going to be risky. Making a holster out of Yue-Yans blanket, she tied her baby to her hip and got up.
The jacket rose with her, engulfing her small frame, and hiding the child.
She walked out into the open street, and slowly made her way down towards the station. The hustle and bustle never ceased, and she couldn't help but be envious of other peoples ignorance... it must be bliss.
Grabbing a ticket at the machine she noticed one of the guards eyeing her up, she smiled at him, but he just looked past her. The narrow tunnels fed the commuters to the tracks, trains stopping and starting in all directions. It wouldn't take long for her now, she'd be out of the city soon.
Just as she finished letting out a sigh, two men in painfully familiar suits walked onto the platform. The train pulled up and she jumped on with out looking back. Settling into her seat, she checked on Yue-Yan who was sleeping, almost used to all the chaos by now.
"Excuse me"
She felt the hand on her shoulder, and without even looking up, she flicked a butterfly knife out of her pocket and stabbed his hand, which tore a good 2cm into her own shoulder.
He grabbed her by the throat and punched her a good three or four times before she blacked out...
Waking groggily she was too scared to even open her eyes...
"You're awake then?"
The lab was as clean as ever, which when white is all you know, well it doesn't seem so pure then.
"You mother fucker! Where the fuck is my baby?!"
"Your baby? My dear, you waved the right to be a mother when you signed up with us" He smiled, a sickly sweet grin. "Now, I know you're angry but we need some information. Where are the other children?"
"They're dead."
He took a scalpel and rested it just above her left breast and quickly said again
"Please my dear, don't lie to me. When you and your friends broke in here, you took 3 children, what happened to them?"
"They're dead" she spat out, almost crying, her once straight hair all matted and tangled from the restraining process.
"Oh dear he said..." as he cut around her areola, and peeled back the nipple. The pain was so sharp and lasting, that it was all she could do not to give him the satisfaction of her passing out. "Where are they?"
"Dead... they're fucking dead..."
This time he took other nipple off of her breast with a lot more ease.
"The thing about the nipples, is that they don't bleed as much as you might think, which leads to there being relative to no harm to them being removed. Where are they?"
Through tears she looks at her assailant, the restraints suspending her arms up above her heads, and the leather straps keeping her from moving.
"They are gone... long gone out of your miserable fucking hands..."
"My dear, do you even know what we do here?"
"You massacre, you dehumanise and -"
"Spare me your spiel, I asked do you KNOW, not what YOU believe. No? Let me tell you.
On August sixth 1945 when America dropped 'Little Boy' on Hiroshima, the initial blast killed a good hundred thousand. However it was the reactive chemical inside that really affected the Japanese. When mixed with the DNA of the average Japanese male or female, the agent, soon to be known as Pixie Dust, slowly ate the organs from the inside out, not only that, it also rendered a good 95% of the population to have a 'Heritage Terminator'.
When a child is born it dies within two to three seconds. What we do here, is we... 'Grow' the children. We produce them in a vegetative state, and ship them to hospitals all over Japan, that can then activate the child as needs be.
Why were yours so important? Well to continue the idea of a normal society, babies have to have defects. The three children you stole contained a rare form of HIV... it's an epidemic waiting to happen. Again, this has been created to cull the gay community, but also as a deterrent for the heterosexual community to be so promiscuous... it's a government thing, you know how it is.
What we offer here is a service to humanity. We create control and distribute life at will. We're your modern day gods..."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Why? My dear! Your DNA has helped create the latest batch! I wanted you to know that all 500 of your babies have been deemed as a hazard, an unnecessary risk, due to your irrational behaviour."
"500? What will you do with them all?"
As the doctor approached scalpel in hand he replied,
"Just what I am about to do to you my dear. For the benefits of science and humanity, we will dissect you, right down to your core; we'll strip you to the very essence of your DNA. Simply put, we're going to harvest your flesh."
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-07 14:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is for the description of the nipple-cutting-off. Marvelous
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That made me fucking CRINGE.
I did shake my head at the 5'10, 114 lbs, it's very unrealistic and I agree a woman of those proportions probably would not be able to do much running. But that doesn't affect the story per se, which I think has potential to be something bigger.
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2007-10-07 12:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I thought this was poor, sorry.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-06 21:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Could have been a lot better, but this is uber, so it could have been worse.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-05 03:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was so angry yesterday for a whole cacophony of reasons.
I wasn't just referring to you.
I really don't have time to pay attention to what every other uber user is doing. I'm not being arrogant, it's just I'm not on here all the time... ok I'm on here a lot... but still not enough to know what you're doing.
I stand by what I said, as I'm sure you do to, no hard feelings, I'm just far too disinterested to cry about it anymore. You rated how you felt, that'd should have been enough for me.
Still... I passed to next round so fuck yeah!!! Ok it's a win by default... but it's as good as a silver medal in a boxing match
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I tried to explain what it was in your story that made it suck. I apologise for being not as exhaustive as it appears I needed to be.
What I was specifically referring to was "cull the gay community". Now, explain to me why a group of people who control births would wish to cull the gay community. The gay community does not, in and of itself, LEAD to any BIRTHS. This is why I wondered if you were attempting to insert some levity into an otherwise serious story. Also, "it's a government thing, and you know it" or whatever you said felt like a throw-away line.
What I meant by sick (yes, thank you, my reading comprehension is sufficient for me to have snapped up that this contest is about horror, if you'd been paying attention you'd have seen that I chose to not enter it precisely because of that fact) is that I assumed the character was actually reflecting your views on homosexuality, because of the incongruity of the entire paragraph. This lead me to; you=sick, with sick in this context attempting to infer something along the lines of "callous while talking about culling human beings because of their sexual preference" i.e. psychotic/sociopathic.
I did not "come along and slate your post" without any clue as to what was going on. I am perfectly capable of putting things together for myself, but you wrote in such a way that what I put together from the material you provided wasn't logical. It's like getting mad at somebody for not being able to solve a problem when you've witheld all of the variables.
I'm tempted to minus two your ass for assuming that it's my reading comprehension that's lacking, and not your portrayal of this piece. As Muddy said, though he softened the blow of it with a +1 later on, "way to be open to criticism".
You get a +1 because I appear to have upset you, I hope it makes you feel better.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-04 08:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-04 08:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can do much better than this - great premise, and I felt as though I was in downtown Beijing, but fell away at the end.
Needed more background, and not just the evil-guy giving the back ground like a Bond-villan before he kills the protaganist.
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damn... you're very very right.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-04 08:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, I never picked the title. And I actually wrote the story under the title 'The Flesh HArvest', I totally missed out the 'Early' part.
I actually think that this was one of those bits of fiction you look at and go 'this was pretty much a waste of a good idea.'
For some reason as of late I've been doing alot of big brother/ sci-fi/ birth control stories. How strange.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-04 07:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i do stand by my earlier comment though, you did a fine job with absolute shite title.
this is one of those titles you only pick yourself because you have specific story in mind, its too pointed.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-04 07:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No worries mate
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-04 07:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah, i know im just cranky in the morning sorry about that.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-04 07:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No I typed it because I appreciate the feedback. I just don;t appreciate people tearing something down when they appear to have no fucking clue as to what's going on. Champ.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-04 06:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-04 03:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyway, appreciate everyones feed back.
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Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-04 03:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um. The homosexual thing. Joke? Not funny. Not joke? Sick.
A woman who is 5"10 (isn't that about 180cm?) and 114 pounds (like 50-ish kilos?) isn't healthy. Chances are, she's too slender to get pregnant (read; she's not menstruating because her body's saving its resources for her, she's in starvation mode), and she sure as shit doesn't have the energy to run.
The ending felt a bit haphazard.
It didn't compute. Sorry.
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1. Why would I put a joke in the middle of a story if it had no place being there?
2. In a country that controls births etc, is it not possible to believe that one day they may wish to control sexual preference?
3. It's meant to be fucking sick!!!!!! Do you even know what fucking comp this is?!?!?!?
4. She didn't give birth to all the fucking babies. They grew them in a fucking lab.
Jesus Christ. People come and slate my story and appear to either a. not have read it. or b. have no ability to put things together for themselves.
I'm with Chaos Jester from now on, over describe and consider everyone to be fucking stupid.
Other than that yes there were some typos etc.
=====================================================
Did you type the second review because you sounded like such a cunt in the first?
Way to be open to criticism, champ.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-04 03:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyway, appreciate everyones feed back.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-04 03:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um. The homosexual thing. Joke? Not funny. Not joke? Sick.
A woman who is 5"10 (isn't that about 180cm?) and 114 pounds (like 50-ish kilos?) isn't healthy. Chances are, she's too slender to get pregnant (read; she's not menstruating because her body's saving its resources for her, she's in starvation mode), and she sure as shit doesn't have the energy to run.
The ending felt a bit haphazard.
It didn't compute. Sorry.
-----------------
1. Why would I put a joke in the middle of a story if it had no place being there?
2. In a country that controls births etc, is it not possible to believe that one day they may wish to control sexual preference?
3. It's meant to be fucking sick!!!!!! Do you even know what fucking comp this is?!?!?!?
4. She didn't give birth to all the fucking babies. They grew them in a fucking lab.
Jesus Christ. People come and slate my story and appear to either a. not have read it. or b. have no ability to put things together for themselves.
I'm with Chaos Jester from now on, over describe and consider everyone to be fucking stupid.
Other than that yes there were some typos etc.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-03 21:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of something I wrote once, only different.
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-10-03 21:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I squirmed.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-03 17:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm confused by this but I can see how you had it fleshed out (pun intended) in your mind. I hope you get to advance so you can try again.
This would be cool if it was longer so you could lead your audience through the story.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-10-03 15:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done!!, cringed at the removal of the nipps
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-03 15:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ima +1 the story and +1 the category.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-10-03 15:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This wasnt really anything
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-10-03 14:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't like how the history just randomly starts.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-03 13:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this okay.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-03 12:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nipplectomy?
amusing but shallow
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-03 12:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Okay, I haven't logged into this site in like 12 years, but I just did...
...to drop a -1.
Typos out the ass, sentences that made no sense... The premise was okay, but that was about it.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-03 12:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This story had potential, but was hobbled to some extent by the writing. If it had been just the confused tenses, it would have been okay (as this isn't English 101), but some of the punctuation around the dialogue was screwy, making it hard to tell whether it was the doctor or the author who was doing the talking.
You also might consider working the exposition and detail around a bit. Good writing is like good stage magic in that you want to keep the mechanics behind what you do as subtle as possible. Having a character observe themselves in a mirror/window is an easy way to break the illusion that the reader is inside the story; effectively telling them "I'm the author, and like it or not, this is what you're going to focus now." You might want to work these details into the story in a more subtle way (is it necessary to mention the trechcoat twice, for instance), or you may want to question whether they're necessary at all. Since we know she's Chinese, for example, is it really necessary to say that she had straight black hair? Anyways, I'm nitpicking, and I'll let it go at that.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-03 12:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*felt
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-03 12:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WARNING: BAD PUN FOLLOWS.
If Orph- and Orph-elia were to have a baby and die, their child would be Orph-an.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-03 12:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And the way you wrote it made it sound like she had two nipples on one breast.
would that be fun and entertaining or entirely repulsive? I can't really decide. I mean it's entertaining to play with and suck on nipples but nature has ingrained a disdain for genetic defect so would you immediately be repulsed looking at a perfect breast with two perfect nipples on it?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-03 12:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was short and snappy and I felf reasonably satisfied by the outcome.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck the Uniter.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can do much better than this - great premise, and I felt as though I was in downtown Beijing, but fell away at the end.
Needed more background, and not just the evil-guy giving the back ground like a Bond-villan before he kills the protaganist.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
decent but frankly what a shitty title.
the best way to go would have been writing about a group of high falutin yuppies that own land in WV where they actually grow human flesh and how the whole thing comes crashing down becuase two of them were doing in on the control board and set the artificial sun to 'roast' and overcooked the whole batch of flesh.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And the way you wrote it made it sound like she had two nipples on one breast.
And heads, pluralis.
"suspending her arms up above her heads"
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um. The homosexual thing. Joke? Not funny. Not joke? Sick.
A woman who is 5"10 (isn't that about 180cm?) and 114 pounds (like 50-ish kilos?) isn't healthy. Chances are, she's too slender to get pregnant (read; she's not menstruating because her body's saving its resources for her, she's in starvation mode), and she sure as shit doesn't have the energy to run.
The ending felt a bit haphazard.
It didn't compute. Sorry.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is for the description of the nipple-cutting-off. Marvelous
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good. Is the cliffhanger at the end intentional? It reads like you're planning to stretch this out into a series.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Could have been better I feel...
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry dude, but this just didn't impress me.
Wasn't too bad a premise, but wasn't really a horror story.
It's almost like you were hearkening back to the days of ETS.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to be so fucked off if I drop out in the first round when I think i've got something good to give.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112121
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Always appreciate BM
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This really needed something to charge it up a little. The idea is wonderful, but the execution is a little short sighted in my humble opinion. Still worth a read though.
Submitted by ameelius (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the hell is this contest anyway?
Submitted by ameelius (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm...
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It looked longer when i wrote it! :)
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-03 11:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice! I would like to have seen it longer though.