Fuck it - Grueberfest 07 - So I married a Fungah (686 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fungah (View user info) at 2007-10-03 18:46:51 EDT
My friend lifted one arm from the elbow, the palm of the hand outwards, so that, with her legs folder before her, she had the pose of a Buddha preaching in Canadian clothes and without lotus flower. She began to speak in heavy, somber tones. An occasional sob shelved her body.
"He was naked, throwing popcorn at me. Again. He'd covered his body in paint he'd made out of drain-o and melted Crayolas. I'd questioned him about it earlier, in quiet tones, a fluttering of my tongue in whispers. He came to a rest over the stove, stopped dropping crayons into the pot. The pot was made, bubbling, and he was calm, waiting to be thrown into some rapid madness.
'It's my thesis', he whispered, leaning his head back into my neck. The sea-reach of a coming storm whispered like the beginning of an interminable waterway. In the offing of prescience I could see the coming episode, him standing in a tanned, luminous space, seeming to drift up in red clusters of lunacy, sharply peaked, with gleamed eyes of spirits.
A haze seemed to rest over the stove on the low, metal shores that circumambulated in its vanished flatness.
The air was dark outside of our Toronto apartment, and farther back seemed condensed into a mournful gloom, brooding motionless over the biggest, and the greatest city on earth.
I'd left him alone, affectionately watched his back as he stood looking into his bow. Into the bubbling pot.
I'd left him, and I'd read. He'd barged through the door, as he was now, screaming. He'd taped two brooms to his back., creating the impression of a janitorial Hindu god.
He screamed at me: 'The meaning of an episode isn't inside like a kernel but outside, like a shell.'
I thought then: to him the meaning an episode is not inside like a kernel but outside, enveloping the tale which brought it out only as a glow brings out a haze, in the likeness of one of these misty halos that sometimes are made visible by the spectral illumination of moonshine or a hand full of popcorn kernels.
He was pelting me with great handfuls of popcorn. 'Don't look at the popcorn!' He yelled. 'It's all lies!'
'Why are you doing this!?' I yelled.
'I don't know!' He replied, laughing.
He stopped. Looked perplexed. Began spinning in circles. The brooms made swishing sounds as they slapped the door-frame. 'zoooooooom!' He spluttered. 'zoom, zoom, zoom. I'm a Bumblebee. I've got a hemi. Zoom!'
He was obviously drunk. His face was flushed, red, he looked as if he hadn't slept in a week. I assumed it was because he hadn't. Living with him, I knew he hadn't. My hunch must have been right. He was down on the floor now, spinning himself in great, sweeping circles with his legs. The brooms kept thwap-thwap-thwapping against the door-frame.
'Honey...' I started. He leapt to his feet.
He screamed: 'I am Bruce Willis!' and ran, naked and painted for war into the night."
"I don't know what this has to do with your half of the rent-" I began, but she cut me off, throwing one of her sandals at my face. I cried out, and she menacingly raised another.
She whispered: "He had to live in the midst of the incomprehensible. And it has a fascination, too, that went to work upon him. The fascination of the abomination--you know. Imagine the growing regrets, the longing to escape, the powerless disgust, the surrender, the hate."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked. The other sandal rebounded off of my head and hit my Maltese terrier in the head. She was reaching into her pocket now so I sat down across from her, terrified.
"Mind..." she broke off. Flames glittered through the field, small green flames, red flames, white flames, pursuing, overtaking, joining, crossing each other. She'd set the fucking field on fire. I hadn't questioned her when she'd scrawled her message across the wall in fecal matter; asking me to meet her out here, or why she'd covered every square inch of our apartment with pictures of Eddie Van Halen. I'd been too angry, too confused. The rent was due a week ago. Ten minutes ago getting evicted was my biggest concern.
"There was yet a visit to the doctor." She started. "A simple formality I was sure. As we sat over our vermouths we made small-talk, discussed hip-hop, the finer points of herb gardens, and Care-Bears. 'I am not such a fool as I look, quoth Plato to his disciples.' He responded sententiously to a particularly barbarous question about Lion heart, emptied his glass with great resolution, and we rose. The old doctor felt my pulse, evidently thinking of something else the while. 'good, good for there,' he mumbled, and then with a certain eagerness asked me whether I would let him measure my head.
Rather surprised, I said Yes, when he produced a thing like calipers and got the dimension back and front and every way, taking notes carefully. 'I always ask leave, in the interests of science, to measure the crania of those going out there' he said. 'and when they come back too?'I asked. 'Oh, I never see them,' he remarked. 'Are you an alien?' I asked him. 'Every doctor should be - a little' he answered.
But I suppose I haven't told you yet, where I planned to go? In search of my husband. Whispers had reached me, from friends and acquaintances of his pilgrimage to Iceland. He had, on that night, left for the mission that had been the driving force of his dark heart beat for so long. He'd achieved great success in this undertaking and in the fortnight since he'd left I'd heard, in hushed tones, in dark taverns that I frequented, of his success. He'd been making a fortune, sending back the pelts of Shlongy yetis, made all the more valuable because of a disease unique to the species, wherein bacteria from slutty, over-compensating, camwhoring post-adolescent Meeley-wolves would fester uncontrollably, producing a thick, ambergris-like substance that was used widely in the construction of scented pianos.
I'd heard that he had developed a following: a tribe of natives and civilized, foreign Iceland tourists alike had stolen off to some dark, remote fjord, and the only news that reached outside this camp was told with the shocked, blank eyes of dog-sled drivers and thick, diseased stacks of yeti pelts. They were just rife with disease. Absolutely swimming in it. Just really, really nasty stuff. It kind of smelled like almonds, it had this almost gangrenous scent to it. Kind of like almonds and sweat really. I don't know why people wanted to buy pianos scented like that. It was really, really gross. The pelts were just thick with it. It was disgusting. Really, really gross. Like, has your dog ever pissed on a white carpet, like, three hundred times in the same spot? And you were just too lazy to clean it, and it hardened into this thick, crusty, yellow gunk that kind of looks like the stuff that comes out of your eyes in the morning? It was like that, but way, way more disgusting. It was-"
"What the fuck is wrong with you!?" I screamed. The flames were closing in.
----------------
End of part 1
User Reviews
Submitted by pshuu (user info) at 2007-10-09 10:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-07 14:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-04 09:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i enjoyed this, don't have any idea why but I did.
===
A lot of Fungah's stuff leaves me feeling this way. It's like taking a short acid trip, and returning with slight confusion and amnesia- which are a fair price for the euphoric feeling of total satisfaction that follows.
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2007-10-07 13:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This read like a really good writer on acid.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-07 01:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-06 20:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oddly mesmerizing.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you should do more fiction and less retarded shit. Okay, that sounded harsh, but I hope you get what I'm saying.
------
I'm just trying to take the art of lying to a whole perverse new level.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-06 20:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oddly mesmerizing.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you should do more fiction and less retarded shit. Okay, that sounded harsh, but I hope you get what I'm saying.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-04 14:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Camelback
A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.
Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:33:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-04 08:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WTF?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i know that guy
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-10-04 09:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have this friend who went on an acid trip 3 years ago and NEVER came back. This story reminds me of him.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 09:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Three Drunk Men
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''''
The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''''
Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my dog!"
------------------------------------------
+1 for the post
+2000000 for that review
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-04 09:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha at the rabbit gut story
i enjoyed this, don't have any idea why but I did. I can not +2 it as a grueberfest entry though as aside from the horror of it not making any sense at all and me being less intelligent having read it it did not really involve horror, at least in my mind except for the horror i mentioned before which really isn't horror. say horror real fast and it sounds like a different word.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-04 08:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WTF?
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-04 05:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack/Jerk-Off Lantern ????
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112121#2540393
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112128#2540956
Submitted by ELG (user info) at 2007-10-03 22:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it, I don't know what I read, but it was good.
"He'd been making a fortune, sending back the pelts of Shlongy yetis, made all the more valuable because of a disease unique to the species, wherein bacteria from slutty, over-compensating, camwhoring post-adolescent Meeley-wolves would fester uncontrollably, producing a thick, ambergris-like substance."
Best line ever.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-03 21:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You'd better listen to Jeannee. Apparently I'm her man, and her bitch. At the same time.
It has alot to do with my hermaphroditic, canine nature
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-03 21:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 21:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-10-03 20:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Toe... you better get the fuck off my man before I go all SWAP.avi on your limey ass.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-03 20:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
diarrhea you say?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 20:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when your stomachs feeling sick
and your poo comes out all slick
diarrhea, diarrhea
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 20:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
went for a jog and it landed on my dog
diarrhea, diarrhea
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 20:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so....
anyone else here got lyrics from 'the sound of music' stuck in their head.....yea me neither.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
whoops
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har dee Har Har
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha at the rabbit gut story
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Three Drunk Men
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''''
The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''''
Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Redneck Halloween
Q: What do rednecks do on Halloween?
A: Pump kin
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bacon in My Ear
A guy walks into a doctor''s office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what''s wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replies, "You''re not eating properly."
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Three Girls Go Camping
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm bored as hell
think i might just camp out here for awhile
-------
oh boy, do tell more, do tell more
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bacon in My Ear
A guy walks into a doctor''s office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what''s wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replies, "You''re not eating properly."
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Three Girls Go Camping
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm bored as hell
think i might just camp out here for awhile
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it...
I don't know why yet
Perhaps I never will, free associated cassarole malaria.
UMMA GUMMA
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He'd taped two brooms to his back., creating the impression of a janitorial Hindu god."
Literary gold.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-10-03 19:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Proof that something doesn't have to make sense for me to love it.