Gruberfest 07 - The Devil is in the Details (306 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.42 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ELG (View user info) at 2007-10-03 21:59:29 EDT
Lilah is dying.
Taryn can see this quite clearly from where she sits. Lilah has a pool of blood around her and her dark, soulful eyes are growing dim. Her screams have gone quiet and her movements have ceased. But, Taryn is not afraid. She quiet and sure, her mother will save her, like before, like she promised.
Lilah can't see very well. It's very dark and very cold. The fire is too far away. There are too many people. She can't see Taryn anymore. It's almost impossible to think straight. There's only one thing she knows now. She promised to save Taryn. Lilah always keeps her promises.
A man is sitting in front of her.
"Videl."
"Yes, Lilah."
"Save her... Please."
The light grows dimmer. Sound fades.
"You know my price, Lilah."
"I do."
Videl is gone. But, the shadows are shifting, moving towards Lilah. They begin absorbing Lilah's motionless body. The shadows consume every part of her, right down to her soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a man.
His name is Seth. He stands by Taryn and speaks to the crowd screaming and dancing by the fire.
"Brethren, listen well." The shrieks of celebration quiet and all eyes are on Seth. "Now, is the time we have prepared for since ages long forgotten. The work our ancestor's began untold millenia ago has finally come to fruition. Once the blood of the daughter of our fallen Lord is split upon the earth, his time will come. He will finally rise to take his rightful place on Earth!"
The crowd screams in delight. They cheer and push forward toward where Taryn stands, they want to watch. Seth produces a large knife. The people fall silent as he approaches Taryn. She remains calm, her mother will save her. Her mother promised.
From somewhere behind the mass of people comes a low growling and the thud of heavy footsteps. From the shadows, just beyond the light of the fire, a massive wolf-like creature approaches. The creature is so black it seems to absorb what little light there is. It's yellowed teeth are razor sharp and the fur along it's spine stands straight up like spikes. Each of it's massive paws wields talons capable of slicing a person in two.
The creature continues to growl as it stops at the edge of the light. It's has everyone's attention now, even Seth's. But Seth is not worried. "Fear not," he commands his kin. "Surely, this creature is here to bear witness for our master. News of our deeds have reached him in the netherworld!"
No one cheers this time.
The creature dives at the crowd. Everyone screams and scatters. The beast claws at anyone foolish enough to get in it's way, shredding them like paper dolls. The creature knocks one girl, no more then sixteen, in to the fire and her screams barely pierce the mayhem around her. One man is foolish enough to try and attack the wolf, but he is swiftly silenced when it bites off his head. Despite all this, it's eyes are trained on Seth. He remains locked in it's gaze, stunned by the turn of events. The creature lunges at him, knocking him to the ground and holding him there with one paw. And slowly, it begins pressing down on his chest.
He can't breathe. He feels his ribs cage pop and break under the pressure of the monster above him. His organs begin to rupture and blood bubbles from his mouth. His only movement is comprised of a few pitiful twitches just before going to meet his beloved master.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lilah stands over Seth's flattened body.
"Mother!"
Taryn runs to Lilah as she falls to the ground beside Seth. Her mother's body is pale and lifeless.
"Mother, please wake up. Please."
Lilah can not hear her daughter's pleas.
Lilah is dead.
User Reviews
Submitted by ELG (user info) at 2007-10-05 23:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The problem here is that I wanted to keep the story short. If I had written out the entire thing it probably would have been about as long as Jack's entry. What I wrote here is actually the ending of the story I came up. I honestly thought it could stand alone, but clearly I was wrong. Since I'm going to lose (to a much better story) I may as write out the whole thing.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-05 20:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree this needs more explanation. Sometimes I take for granted the reader will understand what I'm getting at, and then someone reads it and I find out I was mistaken. This reads like a first chapter to me, maybe you can elaborate on it sometime.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-04 19:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
OK now that I have read it a few times I understand what happened.
L sold her soul to the devil to protect her daughter, it cost her her life, but her daughter was saved. She was transformed by the shadows into the wolf beast to slay those that would kill her daughter.
Sacrificing herself for her daughter.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 18:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck the Uniter.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 18:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 18:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-04 17:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"She quiet and sure'" that didn't sound right to me.
It was lacking.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-04 17:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone sold their soul to preserve the life of another.
I am not sure where you were going with this my friend.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-04 14:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
um not sure
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-04 12:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Still not sure what just happened in this story...confusing. Needs more detail.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Still not sure what just happened in this story...confusing. Needs more detail.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Still not sure what just happened in this story...confusing. Needs more detail.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-04 03:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-03 22:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not bad. Not really good either. Was more like an idea for a story than a story itself...
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-10-03 22:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mmm... Not a bad read, I might have plus +1'd it at the start though you went fat to cliche towards the end. I'l leave it at 0, as it was "worth reading".
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-03 22:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm listening to Tom Waits while I read the frightfest entries, and even Tom couldn't help you on this.