Grueberfest '07 R1: "Taking a Bit of Foreskin With You Up to Jesus" (NSFW) (1272 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: grue_07
Rating: 1.75 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2007-10-04 09:40:18 EDT
The sound of black Gucci loafers connecting with smooth stone reverberated loudly throughout the deserted hallway as Jack fled from his assailant. It was late in the evening, and the candles lining the walls of the building were nearly spent, casting the building in an envelope of dark shadows that made navigation nearly impossible without an intimate knowledge of its structure. Not knowing where to run, other than away, far away, he charged blindly around corners as fast as his legs would take him, stopping only when needed to catch his breath.
He had paused again to rest momentarily when a disturbingly calm, collected voice resonated from what must have been a distance, but filled his ears as if it were mere inches away. "Don't run, Jack. The pain will last less than a minute." Slowly, methodically, a second set of footsteps came into earshot and gave slow but steady pursuit.
Minutes later, Jack found himself at a dead end; standing inside of what appeared to be a library...at least, assuming that the moonlight wasn't playing tricks with his eyes. The gentle glow coming through the stained glass window on the east wall offered just a hint of enough illumination to reveal a wall of ancient texts behind him, and a room full of oddly shaped furniture.
Looking for an alternative exit, but finding none, Jack turned to go back through his original port of entry and stopped two feet short of the tall frame, which now contained a short, stocky, middle-aged figure in vestigial robes. He couldn't have been more than ten years older than Jack, who had just turned forty last week.
"Ah, there you are, my boy," the man chimed. His voice was thickly accented, a blend of Turkish and Hungarian descent. A long beard covered his aging face. "Now then, since you clearly have nowhere of which to escape, can we begin?" He held out his hands in an amiable gesture.
"NO!" screamed Jack, whirling around in desperation search of another, any, port of exit. "You're fucking crazy! Please...for the love of God...just let me go. Let me out of here." His eyes, filled with panic, begged and pleaded with the man for mercy, but there would be none offered to him tonight.
"I am sorry, Jack, but I cannot do that," replied the man, and as he stepped through the doorway towards Jack, the small lantern in his left hand illuminated the face of Rabbi Herbert J. Labenkovsky. "You were there too, at the time of their passing," he continued. "Surely you would not deny your parents their last dying wish? As their only son?"
"I...I...I am my own person, Rabbi," stammered Jack. "Could we please just forget about this? My wife is probably wondering why I've not returned home from Friday night Shabbat yet. If I don't go back soon, surely the police will arrive looking for me."
"No. I am sorry, Jack," repeated Herb. "You are one of the unclean, and as such, it is my sacred duty to purge the brethren of the impure." Jack's shoulders slumped in defeat. "Now then, if you would please be so kind as to lay face up on the altar over there?"
"Make me," Jack spat, and swung his arm in an attempt at a right hook. Being much shorter than Jack, the rabbi easily dodged the punch, and returned suit, squarely connecting with Jack's testicles. Jack shouted in agony and dropped to the floor, clutching his groin.
"Believe me, I wish I didn't have to, Jack. I much prefer compliance. But, you leave me no choice," Herbert stated resignedly as he quickly retrieved a sterling silver candle lighter from its holder by the altar and brought it down onto the back of Jack's neck.
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Minutes later, Jack awoke with a start. Where was he? Ah, yes. The synagogue. It was nearly pitch black, save for a gently glowing menorah near the doorway. He attempted to sit up and found himself restrained tautly to his hard bed. After several minutes of struggling to free his wrists and ankles from the ropes, Jack gave up, lowering his torso back onto the altar in anticipation of the inevitable.
"Yes, that's it, Jack," murmured Rabbi Labenkovsky. "Just relax and this will all be over before you can say bris." As he moved towards Jack with a sharpened surgical knife in his right hand, Jack's eyes widened.
His pulse now racing and his breathing becoming shallower by the minute, Jack fought for salvation. "Please, Rabbi," he strained, attempting reverse psychology. "You know I'm not one of you. So I'm a Christian. What's so bad about that? Even you have to admit that Jesus was a great teacher, if only a prophet in your eyes." His mind racing, he continued, "And doesn't his teaching say that we are to love one another as ourselves?"
"Precisely, Jack," responded Herb. "It is because of my love for you and your Jewish heritage that I must do this. Your parents would be so proud if they were still here. Surely, they must be watching us now, smiling." He moved to the end of the table and began to unbuckle Jack's belt. Jack squirmed in disgust at the touch of the rabbi's mottled hands against his skin, bile rising in his throat as the old man gently removed his pants, then his boxers, which were now soaked in sweat and urine. A warm stream of fecal matter found its way out of his colon and deposited itself firmly between his glutei, spreading slowly towards the edges of the altar underneath the weight of Jack's body.
"But...but...oh, God, please, no! Just stop now, and I'll give you whatever you want!" Jack's heart was nearly bursting now from the stress of his plight. He struggled against the ropes once again in a vain attempt to escape.
A small macabre smile flickered across the rabbi's lips as he uttered, "Don't you see, Jack? You already have what I want. If I may indulge you for a moment..." He trailed off momentarily, in thought, then walked to the shelf and retrieved a small wooden box. It was a near perfect replica of the large ark in the adjacent sanctuary. He walked back over to the altar with it and stood by Jack's head.
"Now, then. If you would please be so kind as to look, Jack...no, look this way." He gently grabbed Jack's chin and turned his head to the right, holding it firmly in place with his right hand. "As you know, it is my sacred duty as stated by Mosaic law to keep this for the appointed hour. The time of the Savior's arrival. Surely you would not want me to be deficient in fulfillment of my rabbinic duties at that hour, now, would you, Jack? Even I know that a good Christian believes in preparing for the coming."
Jack glared at Herb, and his voice dripped with contempt as he replied, "He is risen, you fool."
"Nonsense," stated the rabbi. "If the Christ had truly come, there would be no unclean remaining in this world, and all that is associated with the unclean would be in the flames of hell. Every faithful Jew knows that. How else can you explain the current presence of these in my possession?" He opened the box, and Jack's jaw fell slack in disbelief.
Inside the miniature ark were hundreds of foreskins. Dry, shriveled, unmistakably human foreskins.
"You...you're...you are one sick meshugeneh," he whispered. "Don't you know that God doesn't care about whether or not a man is circumcised? Jesus changed all of that. You don't have to do this anymore. Don't you want a personal relationship with Christ, just as I do?"
"Well then, I'll let you take a bit of foreskin with you up to Jesus. I'm sure he could use a little bit more meat on his bones," laughed Rabbi Labenkovsky as he swiftly drove the scalpel into Jack's schmeckle, and satisfyingly watched the blood and life start to drain from Mr. McCallum as he began to perform his God-ordained duties for the eighth time that day.
~ "And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken My covenant." - Gen 17:14
User Reviews
Submitted by pshuu (user info) at 2007-10-07 12:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best thing about this post is the title, though the rest of it isn't too far behind on the "kick-ass-o-meter".
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2007-10-07 12:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well written, but not scary.
I think mixing comedy with horror is better with little bits of comedy mixed in as opposed to a comedic premise.
Like comic.
Still, it was pretty good. A definite +2 outside the comp.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-05 16:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-05 14:08:15 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. I don't believe in any diety, nor do I attend any church.
2. I have no problem with the Jews.
3. I've already been cut, at birth. My dad did it with the the saw-edged top of a can of Van Camp's Pork & Beans, pissed that my mom went into labor while he was knocking back quart bottles of Labatt's 50 and beating the shit out of Quebecois weasels.
4. If I was #8, who were the other 7?
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1. That's cool. Wasn't implying you did/didn't in real life.
2. That's cool. Wasn't implying you did/didn't in real life.
3. Hahahahahahahahahahaha
4. Trust me, you don't want to know.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-05 15:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. I don't believe in any diety, nor do I attend any church.
2. I have no problem with the Jews.
3. I've already been cut, at birth. My dad did it with the the saw-edged top of a can of Van Camp's Pork & Beans, pissed that my mom went into labor while he was knocking back quart bottles of Labatt's 50 and beating the shit out of Quebecois weasels.
4. If I was #8, who were the other 7?
5. I'm tempted to make it only a +1, but you didn't play this idea for laughs and let it degenerate into the usual ubershite, so here's a well-earned +2.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-10-05 10:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wrinklebeast (user info) at 2007-10-04 20:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stupid. But decent in a stupid kind of way.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 18:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck the Uniter.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 18:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-04 18:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm, short, big nose, loves money more than anything....HOLY SHIT TEH SHLONGY IS A JOO???
ZOMG!!!!!!!
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
is that a pork rind?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn straight.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CT - now there is something you won't be googling again!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That looks like a pork scratching to me. Yuck. Good story.
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Yeah, I thought it looked like an onion ring or pork rind too...it was in the first five results when I googled "jesus foreskin"...
(image source: www.thegayblackjew.com/images/foreskin.jpg)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, saw where it was going almost immediately but very well written and entertaining.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"squarely connecting with Jack's testicles"
This made me bark out loud...
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe romance
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That looks like a pork scratching to me. Yuck. Good story.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is something wrong with you.
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My parents established that well over 29 years ago.
I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop once McCallum and Shlongy see this.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is something wrong with you.
Good for you.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh. that's fucked up
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It looks like a cats shit
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Your cat shits Funyuns?
Might want to have that checked out.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gross
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It looks like a cats shit
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
On a side note, I had to sort through some extremely disturbing shit trying to find a picture of a removed foreskin. Hooray for Google image search.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was entertaining, but what happened to him? Did he just get circumsized or was he murdered?
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The insane rabbi circumcises his victims and lets them bleed to death from the procedure. Though that was more obvious from the ending paragraph than it apparently was. Guess I should have been a bit more explicit, but I wanted to leave the death scene mostly to the reader's imagination.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was entertaining, but what happened to him? Did he just get circumsized or was he murdered?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-10-04 10:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Captain my Captain
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-04 09:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im here bro!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 09:40:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
R1 hub: http://www.ubersite.com/m/112121