GRUEBERFEST '07: The Naked Clown (864 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.56 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ilikesteak (View user info) at 2007-10-04 11:47:10 EDT
Frank Dawson. Age 37. Balding at the top of his head, leaving only a fading brown ring so he can gradually remember the days when he had a full head of hair and a future. Frank lives alone, and he does so knowing full well why. Frank Dawson is a clown.
Frank entered Clown College as a joke after high school, to pay his way through actual college. In the beginning, he was working birthday parties and local events. Frank hated children, but the pay and hours were irresistible. He made it a point to give a "special performance" after the paid portion of his performance was over. They deserved it for screaming three hours in a row, throwing things, breaking balloons, demanding every balloon animal under the sun, the parents smiling because they're his problem for the next three hours. NO I WILL NOT MAKE YOU A DAMN DUCK YOU LITTLE SHITS, NOW SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT UP.
Frank was working as a clown for year and a half, when he decided that he'd take his job full time. He was failing his classes, and decided to cut his losses before it was too late. He joined a travelling circus for a few years, and through the connections he developed there, got into a three ring act in Las Vegas. He was fired nine months later for stealing from the box office.
Every day, Frank would wake up at nine o'clock, and immediately regret doing so, despite his nightmares. He'd take a drink from the closest bottle at hand to forget what he just dreamed of. He would then shake his magic eight ball and ask how the day would go. Outlook bleak. He'd shower, and apply his makeup before getting dressed.
This however, was not a normal day in Frank's life. This would be the happiest day in Frank's life. Today was Frank's birthday.
Nine O'clock. Everything was going as normal, until he saw another face in the mirror after applying the last bit of face paint. He looked surprised into the mirror, trying to decide if this was the alcohol, or just a memory that wouldn't be repressed anymore. While Frank stood about, the owner of the face had brought Frank to the floor.
Frank had regained consciousness on a table in his basement. He recognized the face. A kid he had scared years ago. She had grown up. She cut from Frank's sternum down. He heard a strange noise. Frank tried to hold himself together, to stop anything from falling out. His arms were chained to the table. Blood was pouring from the wound, and she had tacked the now loose flesh to the table. Frank recognized the noise as his screams.
She said "You didn't stop when I was screaming." and continued with her work. She took the knife and shoved it under frank's jaw line, not cutting the major arteries, but instead cut through the bone at the chin. She didn't stop her work just because Frank had died. She clipped the edges of the mouth, and the thin flesh holding the mouth up had sheared. She removed what organs that had not fallen out, and had filled this open chest cavity with Frank's collection of pictures from his "special performances" where he molested and raped every child he worked for as a birthday surprise.
Happy birthday to me...
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-10-08 23:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally didn't read this.
+2 because you crack me up.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-08 13:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-08 12:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gholatime!
---
I don't get it.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-08 12:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this is crap.
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2007-10-07 12:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was just okay.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-06 01:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ohh noes! A retalitory rating on a post that already lost! Whateva shall I doooOOOoooo?!?!?!?!?!
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-10-06 01:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-06 00:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oprah?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-06 00:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Last I checked, he's a human.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-06 00:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
boo hiss boo!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-06 00:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
He dead.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-06 00:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Undoubtedly, but wouldn't he just cut his throat in his sleep? His brother can't protect him forever.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-06 00:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Gholatime!
^^^^^^^^^^^
a little quid pro quo from the gang
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-10-06 01:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit. i also didn't mean to drop a negative one. just another plus one.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-06 00:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, it made writing this better.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-10-06 00:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
that comment didn't make much sense, but alas I've been drinking. I thought it said Tom Waits makes everyting better.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-10-06 00:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tom Waits makes reading everything better.
---
I disagree. Try hula-hooping to the man.
Your story ended well but developed too quickly.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-05 18:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-05 16:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's Gholatime.
---
What that mean? It wasn't even on my post.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-05 14:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Sorry, but you could have done a lot more, and you were heading in tne right direction.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-05 14:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 20:13:54 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No possible way this could have been better. This is how I write. There is no improvement possible, because if there was, I would have made it in the process of writing it. If there could have been improvements, I would have made them.
======
Your vagina is showing.
Submitted by baronMunchausen (user info) at 2007-10-05 01:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Erm. Close?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-05 00:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2s above
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 23:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No possible way this could have been better. This is how I write. There is no improvement possible, because if there was, I would have made it in the process of writing it. If there could have been improvements, I would have made them.
Maybe someone else could have done this better, but if they did, they wouldn't be doing it the same way I did it.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-10-04 21:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Nice idea, too fucking short.
Submitted by wrinklebeast (user info) at 2007-10-04 20:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was a decent premise but you sucked at the execution.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 18:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why should clowns get all the fun? Why can't we kill them for a change?
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-04 17:24:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Half-assed and rushed... Good idea for a story as ghola said, but needs work.
+1 for killing the clown though, I always wanna hit them.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A good idea, but you could flesh it out, make it an actual story. It just feels like an idea for a story.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This had potential, but kinda fizzled out too fast on the fear factor like a dud bottle rocket. Point awarded for clown rape though.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-04 14:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Death to clowns
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate clowns.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
That's messed up.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is fucking HORRIBLE
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Could've been much better.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
burger please
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh. He got what he deserved.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 12:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What I lack in knowing what I'm doing, I make up for in clwn rape.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-10-04 12:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto non-fiction +2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-04 12:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Brutal, but a bit short.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This had potential, but kinda fizzled out too fast on the fear factor like a dud bottle rocket. Point awarded for clown rape though.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it, but it had clowns in the title, and I caught a glimpse of yet another scary-ass clown. Clown terror +2.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 11:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tom Waits makes reading this better.
Tom Waits makes reading everything better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExyRMqX8eOA