The Mack Daddy of Fictional Characters (978 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.22 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus (View user info) at 2007-10-04 15:43:07 EDT
Is Admiral Jack Aubrey of Patrick O'Brian's 21-book Master and Commander series.
Huh?
Oh sure, I could have pick Yoda, that Highlander douche, or that fucking cocksucker Wesely Crusher, assured of the fellation of my fellow uber-geeks, but I didn't. Mostly because I don't like any of you that way, but also because throughout 12 motherfucking 400+ page books, Jack Aubrey kicked copious amounts of ass. How, you may ask? (Spoilers follow)
* Went on several dangerous missions just to impress some chick.
* Captured a Spanish Xebec-Frigate with a 14-gun Sloop of War.
* Was (somewhat realistically) based on an actual officer of the time.
* Was buddies with Dr Maturin, despite the fact that he was a natural scientist and a papist (the equivalent of being into Star Trek AND Rainbow Brite these days).
* Sunk the Dutch 74-gun Waakzaamheid in the middle of a heavy swell, touching off the 14-lb cannon they'd forced through the window of his cabin with a motherfucking cigar.
* Personally rescued the ship's doctor when he was being tortured by Napoleonic troops, killing several French people in the process.
* Escaped prisoner of war imprisonment in Boston during the War of 1812, killing several French people in the process.
* Wore several neat hats.
* Could navigate with a sextant and a moderately reliable pocket watch.
* Owned a pocket watch.
* Got paid for bitch-slapping the French, the Dutch, the Spanish, Barbary Corsairs, and even the Americans at various points throughout his career.
* Remains an amazing literary figure, despite the fact that he was portrayed by Russel Crowe.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-10-06 14:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
icarus ftw
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-05 12:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
TRUE. But you can't blame that on Jack Aubrey any more than you can blame Mario for Bob Hoskin's sucky performance.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-05 12:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'cause Patrick Stewart is better than Russell Crow you know.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-05 12:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-05 12:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll handle this.
1. His name is Duncan Idaho.
2. Haven't we already gone over the real > space factor?
3. WITH A CIGAR
5. Did Duncan have a pocket watch?
6. I'm serious. Did he? I don't want to make an ass out of myself here, but I haven't read the series since like high school.
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Wasn't he played by Patrick Stewart in the film?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-05 12:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll handle this.
1. His name is Duncan Idaho.
2. Haven't we already gone over the real > space factor?
3. WITH A CIGAR
5. Did Duncan have a pocket watch?
6. I'm serious. Did he? I don't want to make an ass out of myself here, but I haven't read the series since like high school.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-10-05 01:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-10-04 22:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
total pussy compared to Duncan Idaho
(true story)
*
she's right, y'know.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-10-04 22:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
total pussy compared to Duncan Idaho
(true story)
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 17:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blah, blah
Fuck the Uniter.
blah, blah
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 17:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Talk to you Tuesday, bro!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-10-04 17:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't listen to the scurvy bilge rats below. Historical sea farers are far superior to FAKE space travellers.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-10-04 17:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
± 0, obscure shit?
+ 1, having the balls to walk your own path
Submitted by Spuzzum (user info) at 2007-10-04 17:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm partial to Horatio Hornblower myself, but these books are still pretty good.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-04 17:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
agreed
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
if you'd read, you'd know by now :-(
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Knock yourself out, kid. I attend board meetings every Tuesday, and am used to listening to pompous idiots spew catchwords and babble incessantly about unimportant crap. Tell you what, you just go on about your ranking process, or what people think about you here on ubersite, or maybe give me some vague yet useless observatons about my writing, and I'll sit here playing NES emulators on my laptop. If you want me to look up and nod thoughtfully, just cough.
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But what happened to that chick, dude?
Was she like, totally Bosh or what?
Nice movement on the joe!
Hey. Movement. Whoa.
You should really shit in the filter next time dude!
Totally Bosh, man!
--
you should do all your reviews like that.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But now I've cpompletely lost track of my thought processes regarding this rating.
I guess I'll have to start over.
Is that all right with you, Icarus?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y'know, I'm really beginning to like ici-boy.
If only because of our mutual hatred for the Uniter.
=====
Well, I AM TheUniter.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y'know, I'm really beginning to like ici-boy.
If only because of our mutual hatred for the Uniter.
...
HateHateHateHate
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can dig it.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please, for the love of all that is BOSH, do not ask Uniter to expound on his thought process. It will take a quintillion line breaks, and the collective IQ of Ubersite will drop 5 points from having read it.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aw
that took the fun out of it.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm just joking with Icarus because of something he/she wrote on another post.
.5
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:15:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder what the uniter's thought process is..
"hmm... this was worth reading, but i also smiled about 1/3 of a regular, full smile.
i shall rate this .33"
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YO-HO-FUCKING-HO
...
I'm sorry, but I'm drunk for the first time in almost a month.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
------------------------------
I'm calling you out on bullshit. As much as you write about it, everyone knows you keep a bottle of vodka in your freezer at all times, and hit it frequently.
Alky.
**************************
Been trying to lose some weight recently.
But that's all passed me now, bitches!!!
Also, Fuck the Uniter.
And yes, I ALWAYS have a bottle of vodka in the freezer.
For, you know, medical emergencies an' such.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
totaly agree but I couldn't stop till someone played along.
I felt so old.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.33
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
steve miller is a lousy fuck!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-04 16:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some people call me "Maurice."
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
others call me the gangster of love..
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YO-HO-FUCKING-HO
...
I'm sorry, but I'm drunk for the first time in almost a month.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
------------------------------
I'm calling you out on bullshit. As much as you write about it, everyone knows you keep a bottle of vodka in your freezer at all times, and hit it frequently.
Alky.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get in, get out, quit fucking about, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Silly fool. Sextants aren't vulnerable to power spikes, OS/app/kernel bugs, boot system errors, network outages, popups, or the blue screen of death. Some pocket watches need to be wound and most are somewhat vulnerable to water, but I'd still trust one over a Lenovo. What do you always see blowing up in sci fi movies, killing whatever generic ensigns are at hand? That's right; computers. Computers never blew up on British Ships of the Line. The powder magazine did.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
some people call me a space cowboy
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YO-HO-FUCKING-HO
...
I'm sorry, but I'm drunk for the first time in almost a month.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sunk the Dutch 74-gun Waakzaamheid in the middle of a heavy swell, touching off the 14-lb cannon they'd forced through the window of his cabin with a motherfucking cigar."
Fucking right.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yarrrrrrrrrrrrr, I concur.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
real apaches > real cowboys > space cowboys > space pirates < real pirates > fake pirates = fake apahces
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wait. Read lungfish's < wrong. Sorry fish, you were close.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"killing several French people in the process"
Well, O-fucking-kay.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Space cowboys > space pirates < real pirates
-------------------------------------------
I can agree with that logic.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can real pirates make the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs?
yeah, didn't think so.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Lungfish knows.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Computers are more accurate, and learning to navigate by sextant and pocketwatch can be learned in minutes online, made possible by computers.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Space cowboys > space pirates < real pirates
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/07/060706-modern-pirates.html
Who's the tard?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There are no more regular pirates. They died off. Tard.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
21, not 12. motherfucking dyslexia.
Fuck your space pirates right up their space asses. Can they navigate with a sextant and a pocketwatch? Do they know how to rig and reef? Fuck no, all of that's done FOR THEM by computer or wookies.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Space pirates > regular pirates.
---------------------------------
Incorrect, regular pirates always win, because they're real.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-04 15:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Space pirates > regular pirates.