A Story About Steve (814 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by netimportant (View user info) at 2007-10-05 04:43:47 EDT
Steve was the greatest, most charming and successful human being within a radius of fifty miles from Steve's giant house. Every day, Steve woke up, unleashed his mighty penis and took a long piss while glancing at his chiseled face in the bathroom mirror. Then Steve shaved his manly stubble, combed his luxurious hair, and Crest White Stripped his already very white teeth. Steve spritzed himself with fine cologne and dressed in clothes that flattered his buff physique. After that, Steve pealed out of the driveway in his new Maserati and cut off less talented drivers on the way to his very important job at a very important company, where Steve made quadruple your salary.
At his very important company, Steve did important things with important people. After all, Steve was an important man, which is why he had low tolerance for less important people with unimportant problems. The smart people at Steve's company knew that Steve's way was usually the right way, which is why Steve had such an important position.
Steve liked to go out to trendy bars after work so that his beauty could be appreciated by other beautiful people. Steve avoided the cheap bars because he disliked having to look at poor and ugly people. Steve picked up hot women and fucked them because Steve was a stud, and it should also be mentioned that Steve had a large penis.
Steve was perfectly happy.
One day, as Steve was driving to work, a fat seagull shit on Steve's head. Steve became flustered and checked his luxurious hair in the mirror. As Steve was distracted, he drove through a red light into the path of a speeding Mack truck. The Mack truck was unfortunately unable to stop before it barreled into Steve's new Maserati, severing it in half and sending Steve flying into four-lane traffic. Steve landed on the rotting carcass of a raccoon, his limbs twisted and his perfect teeth raining about him like confetti.
Luckily, Steve survived the terrible accident with only a few cuts and broken bones. However, Steve's perfect face was covered in deep lesions, his nose was bent, and his teeth were missing. Unable to stand his hideousness, Steve spent thousands of dollars on multiple plastic surgeries, which left him looking like a claymation alien.
Steve was no longer the greatest, most charming and successful human being within a radius of fifty miles from Steve's giant house. Steve was depressed and, worse, ugly. Steve could no longer pick up and fuck hot women. In fact, the only women that showed remote interest in Steve were plain-looking and emotionally complex—the kind of women that Steve abhorred. Steve lost his sense of self-worth and performed poorly at work. The important company's important people did not tolerate Steve's unimportant problems and Steve was demoted to a less important position. With his pay cut and the money he spent on reconstructive surgery, Steve could no longer afford nice cars. Steve was a Kia-driving man of mediocre success.
Eventually, Steve found forced conversations with ugly women and interaction with poor and unsuccessful people unbearable. He blew his brains out with a revolver in the hopes that at his funeral, his plastic alien face would be too mutilated for exposing in an open casket.
The talented mortician in charge of Steve's funeral successfully reassembled Steve's head, and Steve's plastic alien face was visible to all who approached his open casket. But since the important people from Steve's work and beautiful people from Steve's bars were busy being important and beautiful, most of them didn't show up. Instead, they reminisced about Steve over coffee and beer. "Remember when Steve was really successful? What a shame about his gorgeous face."
A plain-looking woman who'd gone to bars with Steve a few times in the past month saw his obituary in the paper and arrived with roses. She recalled the time that Steve gave her a ride home when she was too drunk to drive, walked her to the door and said goodbye. "What a shame," she said as she handed the funeral director her bouquet. "He was such a nice guy."
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-12 04:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Au contraire, the girl thing is going pretty well right now. I'm just sick. I'm not sure if it's bronchitis or what but I couldnt go out tonight.
I've always wondered about those real dolls. And from what I've heard, fleshlights are fantastic and last a lifetime.
My roommate is out in the common room pleading with some girl to date him right now. It's taking a lot for me not to laugh, but it's all really very sad. I may need to give this girl a ride home because my roommate is being a fucking creep.
Submitted by UTOCKIN2ME (user info) at 2007-10-12 02:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like Mack trucks. If I hadaMacktruck I would put "h8steve" on the license plate.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-10-12 02:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha. Lady troubles, Andy? I know just the girl for you! http://www.bachelorette.com/fatwomblowup.html
How would you like to bury your face in those saggy bags of plastic whore glory?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-12 01:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm quite sober, actually, and bummed. How are you?
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-10-12 00:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Steve is a schmuck.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-12 00:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I find that I'd be casually indifferent to steve.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-12 00:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-10-12 00:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How are you, Assholy?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-12 00:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi lisa (?)
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-10-11 19:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hi Assholy
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-11 19:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-10-07 01:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a great post, good job writing it.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-10 19:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
huh
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-10-09 22:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
While I agree it's very similar to Vanilla Sky, this was a really good post.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-10-07 01:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a great post, good job writing it.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-05 13:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icanbecool (user info) at 2007-10-05 13:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounded a lot like Vanilla Sky.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-10-05 12:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-05 11:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-05 11:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-10-05 11:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-10-05 11:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-05 10:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-10-05 09:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Yeah. Saw this movie already. It was "Vanilla Sky".
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-05 09:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2500 KW of awesome.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-05 09:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How very quaint.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-10-05 07:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maestro (user info) at 2007-10-05 06:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool cool.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-05 05:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmm, maybe I was wrong.
Maybe this IS her after all...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-05 05:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good and all, but kind of bitter and depressing.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-05 04:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Stripped or striped?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-05 04:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh.