well its been a long time since i cycled (572 hits)
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Submitted by BillyGoat (View user info) at 2007-10-08 06:10:42 EDT
Fuck it; I'm taking the bike today. It's about time too; the poor thing has been out in the cold for four years now and is screaming to be ridden. Also, the bloody petrol has gone up. I mean what are they playing at, some say America went into the Middle East to highjack the oil, so if that's the case why are fuel are prices shooting up. Seriously, though, someone has to sort out this mess. I remember when fuel was dirt cheap (well as cheap as it could get in the UK) and paying for it was the least of my worries. But nowadays, I have to actually think about how much I'm going to put in before, I get the nozzle anywhere near the receptacle. Fourth largest economy my arse!
Oh, and there is the climate to worry about-global warming this, global warming that. Let me let you into a little secret-global warming is a natural phenomenon. It happened 100000 years ago to give us the ice age, and guess what, we are still recovering from that ice age- so naturally the damn planet is gonna get warmer! Sheesh man- it's a cyclic process as with just about everything else. Go drill into the polar ice caps if you don't believe me. Moreover, aren't people in the UK always moaning about their dank and dreary weather, now when the planet finally heats up, they complain. No wonder the British are always miserable. It's because they can't make their bloody minds up.
I'm not completely selfish though, I do realise that the world is not entirely made up of Britain and this global warming malachy is affecting other countries as well. Katrina, Humberto, Wilma and the rest of the family are wrecking our little existence and we have to curb their damage. Therefore I want to do my bit for the environment as well. Be it a teeny, weeny-almost insignificant bit. But It will give me a clear conscious. I'm even recycling now. How great is that. Well I should have started long ago considering that 80% of my food is cooked in a microwave. But 'every little helps,' right.
Come to think of it, forget the planet and fuel crisis for a while. I need to lose some weight. I gained about 10kg this summer while larging it up in Espagne. What a fucking pig! I have to say that my Euros did go far though and I'm not entirely complaining. A favourable exchange rate allowed for endless supplies of cheap sangria and tapas. But being from good old dank, dreary Blighty, I had a fair bit of lager, fish and chips, as well- it's only right. Now I have to burn it off. And my dump of a flat doesn't much help. Don't get me wrong, dosing around in my underwear and playing computer games is bliss. But I have seen the adverts and those health practitioners are scaring me in into getting my arse of the sofa. Bloody sensationalism, why is everything not good for you these days?
And there he is-the beast-resting in the shed, aint he a beauty. I called him the beast because he looked mean- what with those handle bars, like a bulls, ready to gore down any impish cowboy, who dare crosses his path. Suffice to say, I was deluded and looking at him now, I realise, he's just a bog standard-medium spec mountain bike. A bit run down and in need of a deep clean... And how many mountains has this bad boy been up- none, zilch, nada.
I think the initial excitement of owning a bike is what drove me to cycle like a madman for close to 3 months in central London. It must have been that coz I could not do it now. The excitement gave me the guts to actually ride through, otherwise I wouldn't have. Traffic in London is atrocious. There are cars, buses, double decker buses, bendy bushes, taxis, motorbikes, other bikes-everywhere and even the odd rickshaw. Rickshaws, seriously man, what the fuck? When did I time warp into Bangladesh?
Lose concentration in London and you are dead. I swear by it. The situation is not helped by the fact that the city layout is incoherent - they must have made it up as they went along. No city planner would design this mish-mash unless they were working free hand. And If they were, I suggest digging them up and giving them the once over with a meat cleaver. Jeebus, I bet they do not have this problem in New York!
Now, how do I work this again? Four years is a whole of a long time and I have a sneaky suspicion that I might actually fall if I try to get on. No one is watching, but I'd still be embarrassed. People say once you've got it, you never lose it, but seriously dude-four years is a fucking long time. In fact, I wonder whether the extra weight might actually affect my balance. I guess I have to clumber on and find out.
So far so good, the balance is still there, which is a good start. Time to get the quadriceps, biceps, what the fuck are they called- fuck it, leg muscles going. Ok, right foot, left foot, right foot....
Damn, why isn't this thing moving? The road is as flat as Heathrow airport and I'm in a decent gear. You'd think that the extra 10kg would give me extra force and generate more momentum. But, lo, that's not the case. I can barely move and I'm wobbling so much, to the point were I might fall off.
Fine, the real reason I set it to the lowest gear is because I'm a lazy fucker. I try to expand as little energy as possible. That's what we do in this country- the 'I can't be bothered' attitude is built into our system, so don't hold it against me.
I'm getting seriously behind time. At this rate I'll be at least 15 minutes late and my boss won't be happy. What's her problem anyway; the sour bitch. Can't be the PMS- the well dried up a long time ago. The old prune is nearly 65 and she should have retired 5 years ago.40 years working in the same charity shop can't be good for anyone. You end up blending into the surroundings to become indistinguishable from the grey that's meant pass for 'decoration'
Ahh, you know what, it's the menopause. No sex, getting fat(ter), mood swings, hot flashes-the lot. Children have left and husband is more interested in plane watching than her...and I bet she shaves more times than I do.
Thinking about old Rita nearly gets me run over. I can't remember which side of the road cyclists are supposed to use. It's a fucking hassle, the last time I read the highway code was the day before I passed my driving test and I haven't touched it since. The only useful information in there is the speed limits. And even those, I don't obey when I'm pimping in my punto.
You know what, I'm going nowhere, I've barely moved 200m and by my reckoning, I'm going on 25 minutes late. Time to head back home. Evidently, cycling is not for me.
You environmentalists and practitioners can suck my dick. I don't care. There are so many modes of transport around me and I do not see why I should give myself unnecessary work. And you know what, fuck the bike. Let it rot another 4 years. Infact scatch that, I'm putting it on eBay as soon as I return from work.
Now, where the fuck is that bus?
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-09 07:45:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-10-09 07:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i ran spell check a few times to make sure everything gelled.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-08 18:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BTW - great improvement in the editing.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-10-08 12:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-10-08 11:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I thought the title alluded to a story about your period.
________________
For some reason I thought the title alluded to a story about you taking steroids.
Oops.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-10-08 12:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show, old bean.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-08 12:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are brilliant, and deserve a cookie.
Submitted by DancingOtter (user info) at 2007-10-08 12:26:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yea! That sounds like a plan.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-10-08 12:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha... Nice.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-10-08 12:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lol.i'm not sure i could come up with a story about my period. i've never had one.
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-10-08 16:09:43 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I thought the title alluded to a story about your period.
Oops.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-08 11:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha - nice
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-10-08 11:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I thought the title alluded to a story about your period.
Oops.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-08 08:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-10-08 06:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bendy buses are lethal
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-10-08 06:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment