Everyone famous looks like somebody else: Joe Torre (1251 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.3 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2007-10-09 12:40:29 EDT
Josie plucks out her pubic hairs one at a time over an old issue of the Christian Science Monitor. She likes the way it feels when she gets hold of one of them, hair, sheath and all. It produces a flat, thick feeling when she tugs. It feels like nothing.
Her roommate sits in an old worn loveseat across the room and ignores her. The clock moves the seconds along as she flips through advertisements for products she doesn't want in a magazine she didn't want to buy.
"I'm thinking about changing my name," she says to Josie.
Josie holds her tweezers up to the light to inspect the curl of a removed hair. "Hold on," she replies "this is a good one."
With the tip of her index finger she presses down on the tip of the follicle, and smiles as it springs back into place. She grabs it by the tip and places the previously subcutaneous end between her teeth. Her thumb and middle fingers slowly run themselves along the length of the hair, swirling little whirlpools as if checking the consistency of a resin.
Her eyes shut. There's just the sound of thin pages cutting the air and the low grind of her molars.
The roommate trades the magazine for a Pringles can. With a crunch and a smack she says "So my name."
"What about it?"
"I want to change it." She runs a salty hand through her hair.
Josie hunches over again and tries to make the most of the lamplight. Her bare legs and elbows scatter black Vs on the carpet and her workspace.
Her body hiccups. A slight twitch of the elbow and another pube is gone. "What do you want to change it to?"
"Susan."
Josie wipes the tweezers on the carpet. "Your name's already Susan."
"I know. I'm thinking Susan...with an F."
Josie scoots around on her butt and faces Susan to show off her work.
"There's barely any blood, can you believe it?"
Oh.
Right. The post.
Joe Torre looks like Hoggle. You know it's true.
The end.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-25 16:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why don't you both hug my ankles and call me Darby O'Gill?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-25 16:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ewwwwwwwwww.
But maybe you could hug my balls.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-25 16:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww..
You guys should totally just hug it out.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-25 16:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You can just come out and say that you've missed me, Webster.
People couldn't possibly think less of you.
Homo sock.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-25 15:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Orgasmo- Are you in Uber detox or something?
Or did you resign your title as King CircleJerker?
Whatever the case, you haven't been around here much. I've noticed a lot less gayness lately on Uber, although the more I think about it, scourge and BAMF are more than making up for your absence.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-25 14:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm hope he's already started his first draft, Bosh.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-25 13:04:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111290#2511293
found it!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-25 12:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think cockmaster picked up a bar of irish spring and washed uber off his paws.
smart guy, this one.
here's a hint. i left the review on a girl's post.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-25 10:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey cockmaster
help me find the post where scourge said he would do a tribute post if the red sox won the world series.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-21 15:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-21 15:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey he's already ubermarried to THIS Valerie, sister.
****
Then tell him to GET OFF OF HIS SKINNY ASS and write something.
I'm tired of the drivel here, and I want a decent O-Man post.
Ju got dat, sister?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-21 15:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey he's already ubermarried to THIS Valerie, sister.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2007-10-21 14:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
marry me? yes/no?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-21 13:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TWELVE DAYS WITHOUT A POST!!!
Are you otherwise engaged, or simply bored shitless?
<think uberbury tales> :)
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll start my spleen bid at $1 and a marshmallow pumpkin, via Russell Stover.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-10 12:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i bid $.75 for his right ear.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-10 12:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The Orgasmtron? He's my second cousin. He can totally die.
But yes in the unlikely event of a water landi...of my demise, please direct all bids, offers and assplay exchanges to the accounting firm of LishWutterhouse Blooters. They handle all the voting for the PronOscars, you know.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-10 12:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Orgasamtron will never die. But if something were to go terribly wrong, as the logical heir, I'd say "if you are you highest bidder."
(p.s.- he doesn't keep his powers in his brain. Too obvious.)
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-10-10 11:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when you die, can I eat your brain and gain your powers?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-10 09:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Truer words were never spoken, Stag.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-10 03:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is perhaps the deepest piece you've written. There's just not a lot of hand holding, is all.
Every word should be approached as if it was a twenty ton weight. Heavy, man. Heavy.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Him what poketh fun at she whut plucks her pubes is A-OK wit me.
PS: Robbie and Saccy, yer kool.
PPS: Fuck off, Shlongy, you wasteoid. . . .
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-10-09 21:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pubes in mouth +2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-09 20:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
probably going to lose our manager as well.
i'm not happy about it either.
i guess we could always pick torre up again. or maybe willie randolph. i hear he's looking for a job.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-09 20:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-09 15:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-09 15:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cleveland is going to win the alcs
---
st louis isn't going to win the nlcs
---
well... duh.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-09 17:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hoggle is creepy.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-09 17:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
See, Paralyzed_By_Hope knows what I'm talking about. I don't see what the big deal is.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-09 17:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know that girl. In fact, I know both of them.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-09 16:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
love labryinth.
my flatmate bought 'The Land before time' the other day
yep yep yep!
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-10-09 15:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Watching sad sack Yankees fans mope all over the Stadium after a playoff elimination will never, ever get old.
------------------------------------
Hell yes! GO TRIBE WOO!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-09 15:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-09 15:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cleveland is going to win the alcs
---
st louis isn't going to win the nlcs
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-10-09 15:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm just joking, Rob. I know it because I'm jealous of her awesome and I stalk her. Damn, said that out loud, didn't I?
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YOUR awesome is showing.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-09 15:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cleveland is going to win the alcs
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm just joking, Rob. I know it because I'm jealous of her awesome and I stalk her. Damn, said that out loud, didn't I?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pentameter=Yankees fan. Everybody knows that, noob.
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OH YEAH?
YEAH?
fine.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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Watching sad sack Yankees fans mope all over the Stadium after a playoff elimination will never, ever get old.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
As far as the randomness goes I'll have you know this took almost five months to write:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/108790#2428143
And if you're too dense to pick up on it, it's all about post-Enlightenment Germany and the role it played in the rise of compound interest rates on imported pepper in the late 19th century.
It's also about porn, Bastille Day, and that feeling that washes over you the moment just before you sneeze.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pentameter=Yankees fan. Everybody knows that, noob.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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Random lurking hate.
(I think she likes you, buddy. Quick, go pull her pigtails.)
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thems be some awesome words all strung together like.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:11:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on!
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP POSTING SHLONGY CAMWHORES THX
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-10-09 14:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-10-09 13:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The resemblance is uncanny.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-09 13:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*retches*
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-10-09 13:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that's a funny picture.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-09 13:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You should have used a picture of Karl Malden.
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-09 13:08:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Susan with an F made me chuckle. This should be a 2 but randomness brought you to a 1.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-09 13:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
But that dude on the right isn't famous.
At least, he's not famous to heterosexuals. Like Shlongy.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-10-09 13:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-10-09 13:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-09 12:45:31 EDT (#)
for the fame you know.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-09 13:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-09 12:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GHOLAGASMATRON
______________
Yeah, I was thinkin' the same thing...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-09 12:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um, ok
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-09 12:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GHOLAGASMATRON
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-09 12:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd fuck Hoggle
for the fame you know.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-09 12:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhhh...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-09 12:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
wtf?
+2 david bowie's cock.
-1 wtf?