Dammit Oatmeal, Why Are You So Unpredictable? (768 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.07 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Geddy Lee (View user info) at 2007-10-09 23:44:01 EDT
Oatmeal, I am severely distressed by your unpredictable cooking times. I used to look at you as a last-minute, grab-and-go breakfast for those slightly chilly, cloudy fall mornings at work. We synced perfectly together-you took my lust for the fusion of maple and brown sugar, and turned it into a feeling of accomplishment and introduced me to a feeling of pure ecstasy I had never experienced before. You stoked my fire of motivation, and shifted my productivity into high-gear.
But this morning, to my utter disappointment, you failed to adhere to the complex cooking instructions as printed on the side of the packet. I had woken up this morning with an indescribable feeling of motivation; I envisioned not the drudgery of a normal work day consisting of so many bathroom breaks that are beyond reasonable, only to catch up on sleep or watch Clerks on my phone, but a day where I would put fourth my best effort, and hence conquer the day into oblivion. I was the Spartan army, and the day was the Persians. It would have been slaughter. That's where you were supposed to come in.
Due to my intense feeling of overwhelming power when I awoke this morning, I felt such a successful day would only be made possible by taking two, not one, packets of Quaker Oats Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal to work with me. Once I had arrived at work, the morning hunger instantly set in. It quickly took its toll on my motivation, so I knew what had to be done.
I gently tore open the pouch, and poured the glory out into a cup, filled it half way up with water, and bathed in the heavenly aroma. I set the microwave to a minute and a half, as per the request on the package, and let it take you for a spin. After the minute and a half, which seemed like an eternity, I took you out and proceeded to have nine mouth-orgasms while eating you. I thought you were the stuff dreams were made out of.
But what was to happen with the second dose of ecstasy was completely unforeseen; I followed the cooking instructions exactly as you demanded, but when I took you out of the microwave, you were watery and didn't look right. You looked toxic. Damn you, oatmeal. My heart skipped 5 beats. My testicles haven't felt the same since.
This led me to a startling conclusion: here just is no predicting the behavior of oatmeal. If it wants to be within close proximity to 'totally amazing' on the divine scale of oatmeal consistency, it will do so. However, if it doesn't, you're day is going to go straight downhill after the first bite. God damn you oatmeal.
But this is what makes it the unique, mouth-watering, mouth de-virginizer that is instant oatmeal in a pouch.
NOTES: True story. Totally ruined my Monday.
User Reviews
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-10-11 14:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-11 13:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
in his own mind
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Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:45:22 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It doesn't. Oathmeal is an Ubersite user. He's kind of a big deal.
_______________________________
Crystle...I have a question. It's a serious one.
When are you going to stop being so fat and annoying?
Just trying to plan my week is all.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-11 14:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-10 07:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-10 07:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-10 12:12:37 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-10 03:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-10 06:13:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha -2 because I kept reading OatHmeal.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-11 13:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
in his own mind
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Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:45:22 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It doesn't. Oathmeal is an Ubersite user. He's kind of a big deal.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-10-10 20:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It doesn't. Oathmeal is an Ubersite user. He's kind of a big deal.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-10-10 20:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uhm, where does it say Oathmeal, out of idle curiosity? Heh, just wondering... I DO use spellcheck, just FYI.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how's it going, d-prime
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you people make it with milk?
Mix it water and what you have is gruel.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maple and brown sugar is the best flavor. And I love Rush.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-10 15:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
new Quaker Oatmeal, with 50% more steroids!
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is your mind for rent?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-10-10 11:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to add the water after it's hot, it's the only way.
So I microwave the cup o water, then pour it into the second cup o dry oatmeal, until it's just right.
Note: This usually leads to me scalding my hand whilst pouring the water from cup A into cup B.
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-10-10 10:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a legacy.
Obviously.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-10 09:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What everyone else said about "Oat(h)meal".
Also, oatmeal isn't unpredictable, you're just stupid.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-10 09:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm with the other people, but too lazy to copy and paste
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-10 08:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oathmeal, auto-2.
Even without the "h".
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-10 07:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-10 07:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-10 12:12:37 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-10 03:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-10 06:13:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha -2 because I kept reading OatHmeal.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-10 07:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-10 12:12:37 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-10 03:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-10 06:13:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha +2 because I kept reading OatHmeal.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-10 07:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-10 03:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-10 06:13:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha +2 because I kept reading OatHmeal.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-10 03:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-10 06:13:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha +2 because I kept reading OatHmeal.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-10 01:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spuzzum (user info) at 2007-10-10 01:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Geddy Lee sings like his balls got ripped off.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-10-10 01:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just made sushi!
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-10 01:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha +2 because I kept reading OatHmeal.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha +2 because I kept reading OatHmeal.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the fuck is wrong with me? this is like the 4th +2 ive given today
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just realized how poorly some of your lines are written. Also, it's Wednesday. Liar.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha +2 because I kept reading OatHmeal.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-10 00:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boiling water method, no cooking. Learn from my mistake, your breakfast depends on it.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm hungry.
I wanna eat a freakin' bear. Awesome.
What?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha +2 because I kept reading OatHmeal.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-09 23:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is my belief that your measurement system is innaccurate, that you may have been following the instructions from the previous bag, that you used the same bowl twice, and that you need to try a steak breakfast at least once.