Bad Wife... That's a Bad, Bad, Wife. (1141 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: -0.07 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Mrs. Somebody> (View user info) at 2007-10-10 02:38:03 EDT
My poor husband, I did to him exactly what I've been trying not to do these first two years of marriage... My mouth wrote a check but it was his butt that was the account holder. It's not as if he doesn't know how I operate in life when I'm alone. Everyone gets the finger; even old ladies and even fat bikers on meth. If you're acting like an asshole in public, I'm going to call you on it. But I've tried to muzzle myself when he's around; it's not fair to forceably train him for prize fighting.
So a week ago we're driving in traffic in the city near where we live (he was raised in BFE and we chose to buy a house there) and of course he hates driving in the city. We're on a minor road that's under construction. This minor road basically cuts through some neighborhoods and goes nowhere special. We've sat at the light through 3 rotations while we watch some scumbags dump all their trash on a vacant lot sitting at the edge of the road. We're vociferously judging these particular shady looking characters to each other when the minivan in front of our car FINALLY moves forward at a clip instead of a crawl. I couldn't help it- just as we're about to speed away in the minivan's wake I roll down the push-button window and shout, "NO DUMPING ASSHOLE!!!"
Lata suckas! or so I thought. The minivan gets ten feet and hits the brakes hard. Fuck. My window is already up. Maybe they didn't hear us. Maybe they heard us but they couldn't tell which car it came from- we are just one of a line of dozens and they were behind some small scrubby trees when I verbally assaulted them. I decide that like most people, they won't have the balls to say anything even if they do know it's me so I'll just look straight ahead like nothing happened. I'm trying so hard to blend into the other occupants around me but I am uncontrollably laughing. Not with my mouth, but with my body, I'm just looking straight ahead, wrestling a sardonic grin and bouncing up and down. I'm doing this for at least a full two minutes before I realize the bigger and fatter and meaner looking of the two is shouting at my window. I stare forward. Still shouting. Don't look he'll go away. STILL SHOUTING. Ok, I'm being to obvious by not looking. Like an animal he's gaining dominance by me averting my stare. I look directly in his face (and at this point I see he's holding a two-by-four up in a batter's stance and inching toward our 4-cylander. Ok, I'll keep up the act and call his bluff.
I roll down the window, "Can I help you?"
"DID YOU FUCKIN SAY SOMETHING TO ME?" shouted the red-faced brute.
<I'm busted> Maybe I'm an off-duty cop, how would he know?
"Yeah this is a no dumping zone"
"I WASN'T DUMPING I WAS PICKIN' UP TRASH!" he was carrying an empty gatorade bottle.
"Okay well people shouldn't be dumping out here it's against the law-"
"IS THIS YOUR FUCKIN' LAND??" he interrogated.
I *so* badly wanted to say fuck yes it is... but on the totally remote possibility that this multiple offender's grandmother owns the land I had to confess.
"No, but-.."
"THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP" and he stormed away.
At least he clearly felt stupid for being called out. I know it seems preachy of me to tell people how to live but his total overtness was insulting. Most people "dump" pure sticks, leaves and other debris in the dead of night when no one's around. This guy was dumping an old stove and other industrial waste in front of dozens of taxpayers in broad daylight! He was basically saying he was above the rest of us and daring anyone to have the balls to say something and you shouldn't dare me like that.
My husband was a little shaken that he came so close to having to defend my honor against a maniac with a two-by-four and I apologised profusely for days. But in some ways, it's good that he was there. Because if he wasn't there is no way I would have backed down from some asshole who could clearly snap my 5'2" ass in half. That's how I've always been. I look at it like if some grown man wants to punch me in the face at least:
a. he's going to jail which is so much funnier and worse than immediate physical pain
b. LAW$UIT!! I get money from a total asshole. He loses, I win.
Neither a or b will keep me from ending up dead, however. So in this particular instance all things worked out for as best an ending as could be hoped once my mouth had put us both in peril.
User Reviews
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-10-12 04:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope you blew him after
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-11 15:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
are you a hot MILF?
hole, please.
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2007-10-11 01:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
At least this is a fucking story not some lamearse bandwagon post like the rest of you lemmings.
Shut the fuck up and don't read it if you're not interested in stories.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-10-10 23:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're risking your life. You seem to understand that on a certain level by being worried for your husband. Where I live, people have been shot just for honking their horn at the wrong person. You need to redirect your anger before somebody caps you.
I couldn't give you a negative rating because at least you care about the state of your neighborhood. As Jack said, there are safer ways to address the situation.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-10-10 18:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OH MY GAWD ARE U SRS? ROFL U GO GRRL
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what an absolutely pointless story
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate bitches like you.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Call Police, or pick up the trash and stalk them til they leave their vehicle and deposit trash in their yard or in vehicle.
DON"T GET CAUGHT!!!
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
a. your husband is a pussy
b. nobody cares if you call them out, I'd be surprised if your own husband took you seriously
c. kill yourself
d. welcome to uber, the above comments are mandatory
Submitted by icanbecool (user info) at 2007-10-10 11:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Seems funny that a person with a personality you described would call someone else a brute.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-10-10 11:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Because if he wasn't there is no way I would have backed down from some asshole who could clearly snap my 5'2" ass in half. That's how I've always been.
________________
I had so many words a second ago, and they were all cutting and clever and oh so fuckin contemptuous, but then they went away and all I have left is a vague taste of weary disgust.
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-10 11:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21216913/
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-10 11:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-10 09:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-10 08:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish I'd hit you with that 2" x 4". You're a fucking moron.
----------------------------------------------
Because you should have just:
------------------------------------------
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-10 09:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A simple, "I've already written down your plate number and now I'm calling the 800 no dumping number" would have worked just fine.
You DID write down his plate number and call your local no dumping number, right?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-10-10 09:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-10 06:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-10-10 05:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I keep a a large hard-rubber electric cable in my car for cases just like that. If someone wants to start shit they get a beating upside the fucking head. To this day never had the chance to use it, thought.
---------------
When Palestinians are firing rockets at you, I'd keep more than the equivalent of a rubber hose in my car.
I mean, c'mon, how bad can a Israeli prison be if you're caught with an automatic gun in your car?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Are you suggesting an assault rifle as an effective counter against incoming rockets?
Someone call the Joint Chiefs, we've got a breakthrough!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-10 09:22:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah..sometimes..I say things too.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-10 09:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A simple, "I've already written down your plate number and now I'm calling the 800 no dumping number" would have worked just fine.
You DID write down his plate number and call your local no dumping number, right?
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-10-10 09:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
go sit in that corner for a while.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-10-10 08:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHERE'S THE PICTURE OF HER CUNT????
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-10 08:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish I'd hit you with that 2" x 4". You're a fucking moron.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-10 06:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This actually reminded me of that beautiful scene in the movie "The Way of the Gun" when this random dudes girlfriend has spent the last five minutes yammering at the two main characters, only to get completely bitch-slapped in the ensuing fight.
=========
Way to not do that scene any justice whatsoever.
Great piece of trivia about that movie. There's a scene when Benicio del Toro slaps a fleeing hooker on the ass. It's unscripted and brilliantly funny. Apparently she went fucking crazy about it, he didn't give a shit and pointed out that she was playing a whore in a film so maybe she should shut the fuck up.
And here it is ladies and gentlemen, possibly the greatest opening scene of any movie ever.
Bar Patron: Hey, hey. Yeah you, get up. What are you retarded? Get off the fucking car!
Raving Bitch: Hey dickless, get off the fucking car! Hey fucksuck, get your slippery fucking ass off the car! Listen to me, get off the fucking car with your fucking ass!
Parker: Shut that cunts mouth or I'll come over there and fuckstart her head!
Raving Bitch: You're gonna wish you never fucking got up this fucking morning asshole, because my boyfriend's gonna fuck you up! And then after that while he's fucking up your fucking gay uncle over there I'm gonna fucking cut off your cock and mail it to your mother, you fucking faggot bitch! You gaylord fucking bitch! How do you like that? You like that a lot you fucking faggot? You like to ass fuck? Fontanella fucking babyheads!
Bar Patron: Go ahead.
Raving Bitch: You like to fuck babyheads? You like to fuck boys? He's gonna fuck you in the ass, how do you like that? He's not even gay but he'll do it just to fuck...
Bar Patron: Honey honey. She's got a big mouth but she's not kidding. I'm gonna whip you silly and I'm gonna fuck you stupid. You wanna do the man dance? First dance is yours.
(The first dance in this case, was Parker, punching 'Raving Bitch' squarely in the face.)
Welcome to uber.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-10 06:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-10-10 05:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I keep a a large hard-rubber electric cable in my car for cases just like that. If someone wants to start shit they get a beating upside the fucking head. To this day never had the chance to use it, thought.
---------------
When Palestinians are firing rockets at you, I'd keep more than the equivalent of a rubber hose in my car.
I mean, c'mon, how bad can a Israeli prison be if you're caught with an automatic gun in your car?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-10-10 05:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I keep a a large hard-rubber electric cable in my car for cases just like that. If someone wants to start shit they get a beating upside the fucking head. To this day never had the chance to use it, thought.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-10 03:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didnt like some of the phrasing such as 'my mouth wrote a check etc etc'
Decent enough so +1
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-10 03:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh, but since I recently posted something that was(and is) much, much worse than this, +1 for you.
Still that's about all the guilt I can work up right now.
Be less of a loudmouth next time.
This actually reminded me of that beautiful scene in the movie "The Way of the Gun" when this random dudes girlfriend has spent the last five minutes yammering at the two main characters, only to get completely bitch-slapped in the ensuing fight.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-10-10 03:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you order drama but you won't pay the check
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-10 02:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess there are two stances one can take on this topic.
1) You are to be lauded for you courage and your other half lambasted for his cowardice.
2) You are an appalling hellcat who will relentlessly run her mouth until her husband is shot/stabbed/beaten till he ain't pretty no more.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-10-10 02:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Decent first post.
I'm not a huge guy at all, infact I'm fucking small.
I was in a road rage argument once and I just stayed in my car, when the retard reached inside my vehichle to grab me, I grabbed tight onto his arm and slammed on my gas.
I imagine rolling away from my car at 70km/h when I let his arm go gave him that "I'm a fucking retard" feeling.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-10 02:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh.