Flowers Aren't Always A Good Idea (939 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.38 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (View user info) at 2007-10-10 13:43:48 EDT
Almost as soon as I sat down at my desk on the very first day of my job, I was handed a client file of which I was now to be the all-heralding master. The client is a middle-aged doctor whose communication skills are so horrendous and nerve-wracking that it has become a tradition to hand his file off the newest employee. Since I've been the "newest" employee for the last three years, I have not been able to pass him off yet.
Listening to him speak is worse than fingernails on a chalkboard or babies crying or Britney Spears singing. He's the realistic and more aggravating version of the boss in Office Space. It takes him about five minutes to complete the sentence, "Hello, this is Doctor Boring." (Obviously not his real name.) Unable to separate himself from the "uuuummmms" or the "aaaaahhhhhs" or the long terse pauses of silence, I usually sit, phone to my ear, wondering if it would be less painful to scratch my eyes out than to hear him try grasping for words.
However, Dr. Boring is always properly professional. His voice may sound like a pedophile or small gnome, but he's courteous. Because of this, I was in a state of shock when the following happened. Keep in mind I'm twenty-five, he's mid-forties, and I've never actually SEEN this man. He's purely a phone-based client.
"Yes. Hi. Um. Hello, this is......ah...........Doctor Boring."
"Good afternoon, how can I help you?"
Blah. Blah. Blah. I help him.
"Um, yes, thank you so much for your.........help. You've, ah, always, um, been so helpful."
"Thank you. I try my best."
"Do you, ah, um, have plans for the weekend with your boyfriend?"
Pause. "Yes."
"With, ah, your boyfriend?"
Ahem. "No, I'm not dating anyone at the moment."
"Really? Ah, well. Perhaps maybe we can have a cup of ...... coffee..........or dinner.......ah.....um.... the next time in I'm in town. You're always so nice.....and helpful......ah...um....on the phone."
My mouth fell open and I couldn't imagine what my "proper and professional" reaction should be. The only thing I could hear in my mind was a long "eeewwwwww", and that didn't seem to be an appropriate response. So I said nothing. And he said nothing. And I kept saying nothing. And the phone line was dead quiet for about five minutes, until he began stuttering about how he understands the need for professionalism, but meeting significant others through business ventures actually works sometimes, and I just seem so darn nice and sweet and helpful, and he thought maybe it might be possible that there might be something there. As he ran out of breath and we lapsed back in silence, I shook my head in disbelief. My co-worker stood next to my desk, watching me with raised eyebrows, mouthing "What?". I cleared my throat.
"That's a very nice offer, Dr. Boring. But I'm afraid I'll have to decline." And I hung up as quickly as humanly possible. And then told the entire office. For the rest of the day, we barely got any work done, preferring to waste our time doing impressions of him.
The next day as I sat at my desk, I saw the top edge of a bouquet of flowers walk past my window. Thirty seconds later, a flower delivery man came through the door, with flowers. My ex and I had been having reconciliation talks and my immediate thought was that he had sent flowers. Giddily, I picked up the card, my heart racing in my chest, to see what he had written. Instead, I found:
"Thank you for being so nice and helpful. Please reconsider. Hugs and Kisses, Dr. Boring"
I screamed. Literally. Threw the card down and backed away from the flowers like they were suddenly going to turn into terrorizing zombie flesh-eating monsters. My co-workers ran in, asking what was wrong. I couldn't speak. People started guessing how long it would take for him to start coming into the office and stalking me. There were a few suggestions that he already found his way in and spent his nights, kneeling by my desk, face in my chair, breathing in my lingering scent.
Throughout the day, every time the door opened I jumped. The flowers were banished to the back room and the note was pushed through the shredder. As I was hurriedly packing up my things at the end of the day, wondering how fast I could run to my car, my supervisor aka BossMan walked up with the owner of the company. Their faces were beet-red and they had smiles plastered on their faces.
"We sent the flowers," they told me, bursting into laughter.
I was so relieved they weren't actually from Dr. Boring that I couldn't even pretend to be mad at them. So relieved in fact, I hugged them both. But not before swearing I'd get them back.
And I did. I got my revenge when a bouquet ten times the size of theirs showed up with a sealed card the next day. It was from my ex, but they didn't know that. As they walked past my desk, they stopped, paled, and stared at the flowers. They looked at me wordlessly, eyes wide in shock.
"Holy shit," they whispered and walked slowly back to their offices.
They still think they were from the good doctor.
And since I'm feeling charitable.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-10-13 13:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
YOu see this kind of thing has me in a quandry.
It was written well enough, you know, technically, but it was a fucking boring story.
So the question is of course, is a really funny/interesting/emotional story that is written poorly intrinsically better than a snore-fest written 'well'?
I guess the rating will tell.
Submitted by platonicchic (user info) at 2007-10-13 13:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Actually, I didn't think this was too bad.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-10 22:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
About worth reading.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-10-10 22:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I screamed. Literally. Threw the card down and backed away from the flowers like they were suddenly going to turn into terrorizing zombie flesh-eating monsters."
From a bouquet of fucking flowers? Jesus christ, what a fucking pussy.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-10-10 20:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You look like Jennifer Tilly. But I bet Jennifer Tilly would never have posted such a banal story.
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-10-10 20:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, that was really boring. How could I negative anything such a cute face though, +0 for you.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-10-10 18:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
KA MATE KA MATE!
KA ORE KA ORE!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-10 18:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-10 18:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
boring story
+
normal looking human female camwhore
=
0
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
to be honest - the story sucked balls.
+2 to offset the wanker comments left by the alters.
Submitted by Adaman (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice but some of the metaphors are off.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-10 19:50:16 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, until now, I never noticed the leprechaun resemblance. At least I can save money on a costume this year.
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If you try and stick a night-stick in my eye I will NOT be happy
Was this part of the movie? Sadly, I've never actually seen the movies.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
However, +2 as it was nicely written and you were kind enough to camwhore in black and white, hiding your acne.
Only kidding.
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Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
-1 for spreading a whole lot of nothing over an entire post.
Unless extremely funny/tragic/horrific/sexy a work based story to any one other than your colleagues is dull.
Thanks for the heads up - I have become aware of the dullness. I'll try better. And as for the acne, well, I always try to be considerate. Tnuclear-reactive glare from those oozing postules are better left out of technicolor.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-10 17:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everyone should rate .5s then TheUniter won't be so unique (or think he is.
Then again, he'd probably revert to rating whole numbers just to be controversial.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
UNITER STYLE 0.5
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-10 19:50:16 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, until now, I never noticed the leprechaun resemblance. At least I can save money on a costume this year.
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If you try and stick a night-stick in my eye I will NOT be happy
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
However, +2 as it was nicely written and you were kind enough to camwhore in black and white, hiding your acne.
Only kidding.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
-1 for spreading a whole lot of nothing over an entire post.
Unless extremely funny/tragic/horrific/sexy a work based story to any one other than your colleagues is dull.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
paging doctor boring
Submitted by The_Other_Tom (user info) at 2007-10-10 16:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
YOU turned down a dcotor? Have you looked in a mirror lately? Geez....a punch in the head for you, fat girl.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-10 15:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Blah. Blah. Blah. I help him."
Decent story, and this got a little snort out of me.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-10 15:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Don't camwhore if you're ugly. And write better.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-10 15:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-10-10 15:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't want to, but i laughed at the leprechaun 3 & 4 thing. but that might only be cuz those movies are where jennifer aniston got her start.
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She got her start on the short-lived Ferris Bueller's Day Off sitcom in the early 90's. My 5th grade wiener wanted her.
This wasn't very good. You are boring and difficult to read.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-10 15:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahahahaha - Muddy - you're SO right on that the 14 yr. old had to leap to the aid of the noob!
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Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-10-10 11:19:14 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
having finished this...crap I'd say that you sound like an overreacting 15 year old and perhaps a doctor with an open mind to meeting someone base solely on personality is perhaps someone you could take lessons from rather than mock.
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So you think we should learn lessons from creepy old men who ask younger women out who have never been more then polite to them?
I liked your story.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, until now, I never noticed the leprechaun resemblance. At least I can save money on a costume this year.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. And you look refreshingly normal.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't want to, but i laughed at the leprechaun 3 & 4 thing. but that might only be cuz those movies are where jennifer aniston got her start.
worth reading.
you look like you photoshopped one eye just cuz the white is too white for the shade. if that makes sense.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahah...nicball's review earns this post a higher rating...good show bro
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mudwhistle = Creepy middle aged, monotone man who asks for dates over the phone.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
having finished this...crap I'd say that you sound like an overreacting 15 year old and perhaps a doctor with an open mind to meeting someone base solely on personality is perhaps someone you could take lessons from rather than mock.
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So you think we should learn lessons from creepy old men who ask younger women out who have never been more then polite to them?
I liked your story.
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First of all...who is we, I specifically was talking to the poster and unless you is she and together are we...then kindly fuck off.
Secondly, who else would a man, whom I doubt they've actually ever even spoke about their ages to one another, ask out on a date other than someone that has gone out of their way to be nice to him?
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh, but you write fairly well.
Good luck.
Toodles.
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What a fat face you have! By the looks of you, a terribly overweight clerical type, I'd take whatever opportunity threw at your door. Considering that you'd be lucky if a malaria wielding mosquito would have the gall to land on something so profoundly ugly, and even by biting you spread it's wonderful disease, you'd be better to just take the date with the doctor.
Furthermore, because he might decide to leave in the middle of the date, I'd invite him over and suck his dick like you could suck a marble through a straw. Do you see what I'm getting at?
You are about as attractive as "Leprechaun 3 & 4."
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
having finished this...crap I'd say that you sound like an overreacting 15 year old and perhaps a doctor with an open mind to meeting someone base solely on personality is perhaps someone you could take lessons from rather than mock.
-------
So you think we should learn lessons from creepy old men who ask younger women out who have never been more then polite to them?
I liked your story.
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Reading that "dialogue" was the 7th most painful thing in my life.
The other six are frankly none of your business.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-10 14:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked your story, and it was nicely written!
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
having finished this...crap I'd say that you sound like an overreacting 15 year old and perhaps a doctor with an open mind to meeting someone base solely on personality is perhaps someone you could take lessons from rather than mock.
Very true. But this man has been a constantly creepy client. I was more amused at my bosses prank, however.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
having finished this...crap I'd say that you sound like an overreacting 15 year old and perhaps a doctor with an open mind to meeting someone base solely on personality is perhaps someone you could take lessons from rather than mock.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A good post and fodder for all the ePerverts on here?
Nicely nicely.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-10 13:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
before i continue...if its obviously not his real name...then would you have to tell us its obviously not his real name?