My manly afternoon. (729 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.22 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Respek! (View user info) at 2007-10-14 09:53:51 EDT
I went to a party today.
Sweet jesus I hate people.
One girl hit on me, she had on a lot of makeup and risky clothes. I could smell the skank coming off of her, stinging my nostrils with the eloquence of skunk spray. Or should I say Skank spray? Anyway...
She was drunk and I danced with her because I wanted my innocuous erection to rub against something female. It felt good, and we let ourselves be lost in the bass and sweat of our metronomic sex dance.
Then we rubbed tongues, and she grabbed my package and led me into her room, which was adjacent to the living room dance floor. She started attacking my mouth again, I could taste the Monarch vodka on her breath, it was ironically sobering. I told her that I didn't want to fuck her because she was drunk and being a dumbass, she didnt understand. Stupid easy drunk girls, all they do is grow up to have dysfunctional families or neurotic problems. I left her in her room, and not twenty seconds later I saw some guy walk in there and not come out. Stupid apes, all they do is grow up to be emotionally distant and worthless husbands and fathers.
So I left.
I went home, ordered a meat lovers pizza and watch hoosiers on HBO. Then I masturbated for 2 hours to videos of lesbian orgies and foursomes involving three women. Then I watched the end of Gladiator, the part where he dies and sees his wife and kid. The Gladiator was such a man.
You might think I'm an idiot for passing up pussy for a pizza and a knucklefuck, but I would argue that I did the right thing. I am proud that I am more of a man than the guy who did fuck her. I am on my way to becoming a gladiator. In a preverbial sence.
![gladiator1[1].jpg (30 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/1192370031911829524/1/gladiator1[1].jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by keitsith (user info) at 2007-10-26 09:28:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think ur a heroe,
ur qualities should be known by all !
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-10-15 23:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Risky clothes? Did they shoot high-powered laser beams?
"Stupid easy drunk girls, all they do is grow up to have dysfunctional families or neurotic problems. I left her in her room, and not twenty seconds later I saw some guy walk in there and not come out. Stupid apes, all they do is grow up to be emotionally distant and worthless husbands and fathers."
That's probably true. That's why I set high standards for myself. I'm going to make it to 30 without:
1. contracting gonorrhea
2. hardening my liver
3. getting knocked up by some asshole
4. becoming an out-of-shape, irresponsible, drama-mongering, self-pitying loser
That'll put me in the top 5% of the American population.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-10-15 22:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-10-15 21:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love how so many of you caught "meat lovers", but so few caught "preverbial"
Gaylords.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2007-10-15 15:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I was going to comment that you made the right call when you decided to make your pizza a "meat lover," but it looks like Skrap beat me to it.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2007-10-15 13:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2007-10-14 15:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This has got to be the gayest thing I've ever read.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-10-15 12:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Us Misanthropists gotta stick together.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-10-15 09:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent piece. I've had a run-in with some sluts and bailed for the same reason. Hatred for humanity always nets +2s.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-15 08:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-14 17:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-10-14 17:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Russell Crowe is damn hot. I don't care what anyone else says.
******
A Fourth-of-July sparkler is hot, too, but do you want it poked up your hole?
hahaha, i don't know which is funnier, this comment or srkap's.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-15 05:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This post reads like you've got mummy issues.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-15 05:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-10-14 16:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a latent homosexual. It's cool. Just admit it.
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I almost thought he was being the snotty brat version of noble until he made the point of saying the pizza was "meat lover's".
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2007-10-15 05:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
pretty shitty, but i thought this was almost a decent line.
"I could taste the Monarch vodka on her breath, it was ironically sobering."
that would be pretty ironic.
Submitted by rosemadder (user info) at 2007-10-14 23:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Teehee
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Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-14 09:51:43 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why were her clothes risky? Were they highly flammable?
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Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-14 09:35:59 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
remember, it's not date-rape if you shatter her skull with a tire iron after
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-14 19:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Drunk chicks are going to get fucked.
Don't feel sorry for the drunk chicks. They drink because they want to be fucked, and use alcohol as an excuse to lower their standards. You're not somehow better for having not fucked her.
Your excuse that it's wrong because she's drunk doesn't work, because she's been the one drinking.
Now, if you'd put something in her drink, then it'd be illegal. Then again, it's only illegal if you get caught.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-14 17:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-10-14 17:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Russell Crowe is damn hot. I don't care what anyone else says.
******
A Fourth-of-July sparkler is hot, too, but do you want it poked up your hole?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-10-14 17:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Russell Crowe is damn hot. I don't care what anyone else says.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-14 16:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-10-14 16:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a latent homosexual. It's cool. Just admit it.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-10-14 16:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Real men watch the end of Braveheart, Gladiator....meh
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-10-14 15:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I thought I was being moralistic and principled all those tinmes I turned down sex, too. But one day you wake up and realize you're still single, have gotten old, and YOU'RE the one with the dysfunctional attitude toward relationships. But then again, being a hermit is sheer bliss....
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2007-10-14 15:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So... you went to a party and the only chick that wanted to climb into your pants was Sandra Bernhardt... and you allowed her to stick her mouth on yours and rub your googlies and get all skanky hawt and stinky with it... and then you leave her and go home and wank it while thinking about her?
This has got to be the gayest thing I've ever read.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2007-10-14 15:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
it would have been more manly to fuck the hell out of her, tell her what a lousy lay she was then go home and participate in all the aforementioned activities
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-14 14:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Manly?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-14 13:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-14 11:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-10-14 08:31:27 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Even when acting Russell Crowe looks like a douchebag.
So some drunk slut paid a little attention to you and you refused to fuck her? We're all very impressed. Go fuck yourself.
=======
Everything about that was funny.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-10-14 13:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
blimey!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2007-10-14 13:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Auto +2 Gladiator
Auto-4 Story with moral
Auto+1 Tie breaker
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-10-14 13:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
preverbial?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-14 12:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why were her clothes risky? Were they highly flammable?
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-10-14 12:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
remember, it's not date-rape if you shatter her skull with a tire iron after
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-14 12:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-14 11:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-10-14 08:31:27 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Even when acting Russell Crowe looks like a douchebag.
So some drunk slut paid a little attention to you and you refused to fuck her? We're all very impressed. Go fuck yourself.
=======
Everything about that was funny.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2007-10-14 11:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You should join the people who hate people society. Unproductive bunch of assholes but hey, you'd be with other people that hate people just like yourself. Although I hear it's hard to get those meetings up and going.
"People who hate people - come together!!"
"NO!"
... We're kinda having trouble getting of the boards, but you know ...
"Are you gonna be there?"
"Yeah"
"Then I ain't fuckin' coming"
"But you're our strongest member!"
"FUCK YOU!"
"That's what I'm talking about, you asshole!"
"Fuck Off!!"
"Damn, we almost had a meeting going..."
-Bill Hicks
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-10-14 11:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
faggot
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-10-14 11:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Even when acting Russell Crowe looks like a douchebag.
So some drunk slut paid a little attention to you and you refused to fuck her? We're all very impressed. Go fuck yourself.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-14 11:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your layers post was better.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-14 11:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a magical writer.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-10-14 11:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
now all I need is a shell and I can be the perfect hermit crab.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-14 10:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hermit below
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-10-14 10:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't like people either. I may become a hermit.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-10-14 10:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
just fuck her you fucking poof
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-10-14 10:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also fuck all of you.
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-10-14 09:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know there are spelling errors.