I Sort Of Blew Up My Girlfriend Last Night. (1891 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.75 on 76 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by phuzzygish (View user info) at 2007-10-16 06:35:09 EDT
And it was her birthday, so I feel kinda bad about it...
You find out all sorts of things when you get a girlfriend. What their favourite type of Cinnabon is, what noises their bum makes when they're fast asleep, and that they share birthdays with some of their other friends.
So for Sam's birthday, she and her mate decided to have a joint dinnery-drinks vibe at Casa de Galinha, a lovely little Portuguese spot on Rivonia Road. The usual Porto-Mozambican fare - prawns, grilled chicken, catembas, sangria, armpit sweat - you know the type.
Yummy.
Now I know my darling Beloved is pretty pernickety when it comes to food, so I didn't think much of it when she ordered a lovely little fillé and potatoes au gratin for her evening meal. I'm just a greedy little punk, so I had a shitload of prawns. Shrimp. Whatever. They had lots of legs, garlic, lemon butter and tasted like fresh oceany goodness.
Dinner gets munched, drinks get drinked, guests get fershnickered, and a banging great time is had by all.
Then we went home.
Being the good boyfriend that I pretend I am, home-time was obviously followed by a nice spot of Birthday Kafoofling, the type where the girl gets to lie there like a clubbed seal and the boy puts in all the work for a change. At least that was the plan.
It started off okay, I think I had kissed, caressed, tickled and lubed all the right parts, when Sam's breathing started to get a little erratic. Normally this is a good thing (At least I read so in Cosmo) but her shortness of breath was accompanied by some gurgling noises and one or two convulsions.
'I'm good, but I'm not that good.' I say to myself.
'I... can't... fucking... breath...' gurgles she.
So I nip the bedside table on, have a look at my new found love, and promptly shit my pants.
Sam has turned a really deep shade of puce, her lips have swollen up bigger than a Oomba-Woomba tribal stereotype, her eyes are bulging out of her head like great big bulgy eyes, and breathing was something that happened to other people.
A bit like Hitch, I suppose, but more swelling, hysteria and white girl.
After a night at Sunninghill Emergency, I now know a couple of new things about my girlfriend:
- She's on Discovery Medical aid, happily accepted by hospitals nationwide.
- Her car might need a tune up, some of the late-night corners were a little tricksey.
- When she says she doesn't want the seafood, it's not her being fussy. It's her not wanting to die.
- If I ever eat seafood around her again, she would greatly appreciate me showering, exfoliating and gargling with turpentine before I even think about touching her again.
Chicks.
They're tricky.
User Reviews
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-10-18 16:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She was probably faking it... they are good at that you know
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-10-18 06:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So you're telling me your woman's pussy is allergic to fish breath?
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-10-17 11:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-17 07:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'pernickety'
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just so you know it's 'persnickety' ---it's all about the 's' sssssssssss
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-17 02:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You need to use more real words.
Show me a fake one, I dare you.
Double Dog Dare, even.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-10-17 00:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i blew up your girlfriend too.
i kill me.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-10-16 21:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great story if it's true. if it's not, it's great and you should tell it pretending it IS.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-16 20:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was expecting a picture of a blow-up doll.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2007-10-16 19:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I too am allergic to the fishies. Had a pretty rough go of things in a chow tent in Iraq when some slob slopped the tuna into the lettuce at the salad bar.
Funny how fish almost killed me in Iraq and not bullets and bombs.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-16 19:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've heard of 'the little death' but thats taking it too far, sporto
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-10-16 17:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2007-10-16 16:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!!!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-16 16:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shame.
It's probably Springbok fever down there. Fuckin Canada didn't even win a game :(
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number people of suprised that canada sucked: Zero
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2007-10-16 16:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OOOMPA LOOMPA DUP-A-DEE-DO
I've got another puzzle for you
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets
Eating as much as an elephant eats....
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You need to use more real words.
Submitted by Doogsterville (user info) at 2007-10-16 14:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
NC
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-16 14:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-10-16 13:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People who are allergic to seafood should die out.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-16 13:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-10-16 12:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I blew up my girlfriend last night too.
Then I bit her nipple and she flew out the window.
Submitted by Adaman (user info) at 2007-10-16 12:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aw.. nice story. +2 for information
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-10-16 12:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, you rule.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-16 12:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is hilarious. Also informative, I didn't even know you could get sick that way.
Hey, do you think this is going to stop a lot of girls sucking on their bo's nuts?
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2007-10-16 12:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
omg, poor girl
Submitted by dronebee (user info) at 2007-10-16 12:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-10-16 12:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i really want to know if "kafoofling" is in the saffa dictionary or you made up taht word.
i wonder if her hoohoo was swollen.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-10-16 11:58:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored at work.
Bored at work.
BORED AT WORK
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-16 11:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-16 11:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:28:19 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
I have the same type of reaction to peanuts and other nuts. They cause me to die.
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I have a friend with the same allergy. That's gotta suck at baseball games. <smugly eats Bun Bo Xao and doesn't die>
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Fortunately I am not a big fan of baseball games. I prefer hockey.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-16 11:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love reading adventures in Phuzzyland
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-16 11:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
I have the same type of reaction to peanuts and other nuts. They cause me to die.
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I have a friend with the same allergy. That's gotta suck at baseball games. <smugly eats Bun Bo Xao and doesn't die>
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:50:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 seafood and sex
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh. This wasn't what I was expecting, but maybe that's because I visually ignored the word "Up" in the title of the post, and thought I would be reading about you blowing your girlfriend.
I have the same type of reaction to peanuts and other nuts. They cause me to die.
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At least I have a Christmas gift idea for you now :P
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh. This wasn't what I was expecting, but maybe that's because I visually ignored the word "Up" in the title of the post, and thought I would be reading about you blowing your girlfriend.
I have the same type of reaction to peanuts and other nuts. They cause me to die.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy effing shit that sounds scary, for both of you. While drunk, too... man.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come to my new fine dining establishment. I'll slip roofies in her wine for you so if she happens to blow up, you can carry on and not worry about this silly hospitilization business.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-16 10:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-10-16 07:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drinks, dinner, and anaphylactic shock, you really know how to treat a woman on her birthday, Phuzzy.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd hit it - before taking her to the hospital.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-16 14:29:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
If your parents actually gave you the first name 'Emission', you should thwack them in the ghoolies.
If they didn't, then shall I just add EVERYONE until I stumble across you? Becasue, you know, that might take a while...
---------------------------------
Im the good looking one with balls the size of grapefruits. Usually hanging from my chin.
Ummmm There is a uberusers unite group on there............search for it!
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shame.
It's probably Springbok fever down there. Fuckin Canada didn't even win a game :(
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Oh i do, but hey come on we are talking about you, so go add me.
If your parents actually gave you the first name 'Emission', you should thwack them in the ghoolies.
If they didn't, then shall I just add EVERYONE until I stumble across you? Becasue, you know, that might take a while...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:20:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder if her hoohoo was swollen.
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Well, Phuzz has been known to be quite the cunning linguist.
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exactly. maybe it's like a "honey i blew up your pussy" screen shot.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't get it.
So, she was Jewish?
But WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:20:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder if her hoohoo was swollen.
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Well, Phuzz has been known to be quite the cunning linguist.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And here, no one at the table wanted to share the calamari with me last night:(
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-16 13:59:27 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sigh. People just don't realise how hard it can be being both devastatingly handsome, and infinitely popular...
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Oh i do, but hey come on we are talking about you, so go add me.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-16 09:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i really want to know if "kafoofling" is in the saffa dictionary or you made up taht word.
i wonder if her hoohoo was swollen.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sigh. People just don't realise how hard it can be being both devastatingly handsome, and infinitely popular...
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phuzzy I am so your friend, grant me acess to your wonderous magical stories please.
hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha poor bastard
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU'RE JUST A CROSS-PATCHES BECASUE YOU AREN'T MY FACEBOOK A LA TRENDI TRENDI FRIEND, AND DIDN'T GET THE SNEAKITY PEEK WHEN I POSTED IT YESTERDAY.
HAH.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can someone rate my post...what's a guy gots to do to get noticed round here.
be gentle
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112484
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i only eat fish, the other stuff is too rubbery to eat. bit nasty really
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
booooooooooooooooooo
hissssssssssssssssssssss
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*booooo Phuzzy*
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phuzzy you cheat!!!
OOoh I can hear the crowd booing you.........
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SSSSSSHHH!!! Don't tell people I face boof. It'll totally ruin my badass reputation... :(
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old news, I read this on FB yesterday.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:16:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
id lick your bumhole Phuzzy
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-16 08:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Catch of the day, me...
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-10-16 07:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drinks, dinner, and anaphylactic shock, you really know how to treat a woman on her birthday, Phuzzy.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-16 07:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phuz, if you didn't wanna be with her anymore, you could just tell her, instead of trying to kill the poor girl.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-10-16 07:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghahhahhaha, man I'm so glad I don't have any deathly food allergies like that. Although mayonnaise makes me vomit and then become furiously enraged, so I guess that's pretty close.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-16 07:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dinner, drinks, kissing, near-death experience. What more could a Birthday Girl want?
Oh, and filename.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-16 07:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG she is soooooo ungrateful
Hmmmph can you do anything right these days??
GIRLS!
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-16 07:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HOPE YOU'RE WEARING A TIGHT VEST, I'M GONNA SPLIT YOUR SIDES WITH LAUGHTER ON ACCOUNT OF HOW HILARIOUS I AM.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-16 07:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, it's "I Sort Of Blew Up My Girlfriend Last Night", but you know, whatever bends your boerewors...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-16 07:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The title of this is fucking genius.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-10-16 06:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Or a slinky and a map to the nearest escalator. It's a recipe for never-ending fun.
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Why have I never thought of that?!
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-10-16 06:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this whole story is a bit....
fishy?
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-10-16 06:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I figure for Christmas Imma get her some sea monkeys.
Or a slinky and a map to the nearest escalator. It's a recipe for never-ending fun.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-10-16 06:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my... poor lass.