How Hugh-Bob solved his vampire problem (1211 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.88 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (they made me this way) Girl (View user info) at 2007-10-16 15:24:15 EDT
Hugh-Bob wasn't happy. First, his riding lawnmower mysteriously quit working, and then he suspected his septic tank was becoming clogged with tree roots and finally, he had been put in charge of training the new guy at the concrete yard.
"I'm tellin' ya Boss, that feller's as dumb as a sacka hammers."
"I know Hugh, I know. We're stuck with him though. Owner's nephew, you know."
If there was a thing as divine justice, Hugh-Bob thought, Sam Jacobs should be forced to spend eternity teaching his moron nephew the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground. The thing was Lew, Jacobs' nephew, had taken a liking to Hugh-Bob and followed him around everywhere. Hugh-Bob wasn't the brightest man in the world, even he knew that, but he was a damn sight smarter than that clown and although it took extreme effort on his part, he was nice to the boy. For instance, he didn't cuss Lew out all that much when Lew fell into a cement mixer and all the guys had to stop and fish him out. Too bad it wasn't on.
After checking for the obvious malfunctions on his lawnmower and finding none, Hugh-Bob decided to listen to the growling of his stomach, fix a pot pie, and call it a night. It had just passed dusk and was heading towards night and he just wanted to eat his dinner and have a beer or two. Or three. Maybe four but he was trying to cut back. Just as he was getting ready to lock the dilapidated wooden detached garage, some wrenches fell from the work bench and thudded to the ground. Squinting into the dark towards the back of the garage, he thought he saw some movement in the shadows. Thinking quickly he grabbed a rusty old antique pitchfork covered in cobwebs and years of debris.
"Someone in here?" he called. It was probably the damn neighbor kids again, hiding in his garage and smoking pot. "I figured you would have learned after that whopping your daddy gave you last time I caught you."
Hugh-Bob walked towards the work bench, pitchfork at the ready. He picked up a flashlight and shone it all around garage and aiming it under the bench. Nothing and no smell of pot. He hoped a weasel or some other nasty critter hadn't gotten in again. There were many small places a varmit could hide and them varmits was smart. 'I'll drag the trap out tomorrow' thought Hugh-Bob as he put down the pitchfork and turned around to leave. As he started walking towards the garage's door, a large, snarling something jumped on his back. He yelled as he spun around and grabbed at the creature who was riding him like a rodeo bull. It snarled and hissed and hung on tight. Finally Hugh-Bob was able to twist on shoulder forward enough that he seized the creature and threw it to the floor. He grabbed a stray 2 x 4 and smacked the stunned creature now lying on the floor. It let out an oomph and Hugh-Bob was about ready to hit it again when,
"Oooowwwww! Don't hit me no more, Hugh-Bob, it's me!"
The shock of hearing a human voice momentarily froze Hugh-Bob in place, holding the 2 x 4 over his head. The person on the floor tried to get up. "I think you mighta broke my arm or sumptin' Hugh-Bob. A-yow." Hugh-Bob recovered and darted over to the wall to turn on a light. When the overhead light illuminated the intruder, Hugh-Bob was dumbfounded.
"Lew?! What in the hell are you doing?!"
"I've been hiding in here, waitin' for dark." Lew stood and smacked the dust from his clothes. He looked at Hugh-Bob sheepishly.
"Why'd you jump on me?"
"Sorry. Something came over me and I couldn't help it. I need your help, Hugh-Bob."
"For what?! Boy, I ain't in no mood for your fool self. I get enough of you down at the cement yard."
"This." Lew curled his lips back to show Hugh-Bob his problem. Lew pointed at his new elongated canines. "Hugh-Bob, I think I done got turned into a vampire."
Hugh-Bob stared at Lew. Besides the obvious dental alterations, Lew looked very pale and his cheeks were sunken in. The whites of his eyes glowed slightly and he no longer had irises, just two dilated pupils. Lew rubbed his forearm which Hugh-Bob's 2 x 4 had cracked. To his amazement, Hugh-Bob watched as the arm healed itself. The bulge caused by the broken ulna grew smaller until Lew's arm was smooth and good as new. Hugh-Bob fell back against the wall. Lew walked towards Hugh-Bob. Instinctively, he grabbed another 2 x 4 and held it in a batter's stance.
"Git back!"
Lew held his hands up in a surrender gesture. "I ain't gonna hurt you, Hugh-Bob. You gotta help me!"
"What the hell am I supposed to do about it?!"
Lew almost began blubbering. "I don't know! I didn't know where else to go! You gotta figure out somethin', Hugh-Bob. I cain't go home like this! Lookit me! My uncle will fire me and Pa said if I lose another job I have to join the Army. I don't wanna join the Army, Hugh-Bob, help me!" Lew sat on Hugh-Bob's broken riding lawnmower and tried to sniff back tears. As Hugh-Bob studied the miserable Lew, he began feeling sorry for him. Hell, it ain't his fault he was born so damn dumb and got himself into stupid situations. Hugh-Bob relaxed and tossed the 2 x 4 down. He took off his cap and rubbed the top of his head. Well, nothing else for it, he'd have to figure out how to fix Lew's vampire problem. If for no other reason than he didn't want that dumbass defending America.
"Alright, quit your cryin' and let's go into the house so I can think a little. I need a pot pie and a beer."
Hugh-Bob shoved Lew out of the garage and locked the doors. As they began walking towards the house, Lew snapped his head up into the air. He looked off into the dark of Hugh-Bob's property. "I'll be right back." Lew ran off into the dark and headed towards the neighbors.
"Dammit Lew, we don't have time for whatever it is your doing!" After a minute or two, Hugh-Bob decided to go into the house. If he was lucky, Lew had fallen into a hole and he'd be rid of him. Just as Hugh-Bob climbed up onto his porch, he heard a loud squawking followed by a shotgun blast coming from his neighbor's. 'Damn fool went and got himself shot.' he thought. As he squinted off in direction of the disturbance, he saw Lew emerge. As Lew skulked towards the house, Hugh-Bob saw that he had blood around his lips and white chicken feathers all over his face and t-shirt.
"Wha?!" he sputtered as Lew wiped his mouth off and picked off a few feathers. Embarrassed, Lew hung his head down.
"Sorry. I felt like I was starving and I don't wanna bite you or nothin'."
"Boy, get in the house!" he fussed as he shoved Lew inside.
As Hugh-Bob popped open a beer, Lew settled down on the couch and thumbed through a dog-eared Autotrader magazine. What the hell did he know about vampires anyway? Hugh-Bob slurped his beer and thought hard. He tried to remember everything he had seen in various movies over the years. 'Lessee, vampires can't go out in the daylight. Vampires suck blood. Vampires don't like garlic. Vampires sleep in coffins. You kill vampires by staking them through their hearts. And....vampires are made by other vampires!'
"Hey Lew, tell me how this happened." Hugh-Bob said as he walked into the TV room.
"Well, you know them guys who always hang out at Pete's Place?" Pete's Place was a hole in the wall bar which had only two kinds of beer, a battered pool table, and one toilet. Only a few old men and the hoodlums that Lew referred to hung out there.
"Yeah"
"I was walking home last evening after getting off at the concrete yard. I have to walk by Pete's to get home and one of them guys asked me if I wanted a beer. So I drink a beer with them then one of them asked me if I wanted to come back to their house and play video games and drink some more beer. We all end up back at one of them's house. I just started drinking a Hamm's and playin' Halo 3 when something bit me on my neck. When I woke up it was almost morning. Them guys was laughing and told me I better go find someplace dark to hide because I was a vampire now and my ass will burn up. They said if I want I can come and live with them in the vampire house. I got scared and ran. I just was able to get to your garage when the sun came up. I hid in there until you found me. What're we gonna do, Hugh-Bob? I don't want drink blood forever, it's nasty!"
"You remember that movie that had what's-his-name in it? You know, that Jack Bauer guy."
"L.A. Confidential?"
"No, the one where he's a vampire."
"Uhhhh...wait! I know this! Don't tell me.....ummm ummm."
"Just forget the name, Lew, it ain't important. Anyway, in the movie, they had to kill the head vampire so that all the other vampires wouldn't be vampires no more. I figure that's the way we outta go. Now which one of them is the head vampire?"
"Gee, Hugh-Bob, I don't know."
"That figures. Ok then, I guess we're gonna have to kill all of 'em to make sure."
Over the next hour, Hugh-Bob and Lew made stakes out of the 2 x 4s lying around the garage. Lew indicated that there were 5 vampires in that house so Hugh-Bob made sure they had at least two 2 x 4 stakes for every one vampire. Hugh-Bob also dug out all the old garden implements he had lying around; the pitchfork and few rakes that he turned into back up stakes. If they got into trouble, they might be able to use the pitchfork on one of them as well. After loading up the back of Hugh-Bob's pickup with the collection of vampire skewers, Hugh-Bob tossed in the large gas can he kept for his riding lawnmower. He was relieved to find it full because it would have been awkward if he would have had to stop and fill it up and someone spotted the two of them with a truck bed full of wooden stakes.
Hugh-Bob parked his truck around the corner from the house Lew directed him to. Hugh-Bob ordered Lew to remain in the truck while he went on a brief reconnaissance mission. The house's living room light was on and Hugh-Bob cautiously peeped in the window. The vampires were playing their Xbox, blasting the stereo, and partying. 'Good' Hugh-Bob thought, 'they'll be nice and distracted.'
Hugh-Bob and Lew snuck into the yard carrying the stakes and the gas can. Spying an empty beer can, Hugh-Bob poured some gasoline into it and fashioned a crude Malotov cocktail using a dirty rag he pulled out of his pocket for the fuse. He handed it to Lew and said, "When I light this, throw it in through the window. As soon as you do that, grab a stake because they'll come running out. We'll pick 'em off out here in the yard. Understand?" Lew swallowed hard then nodded.
Hugh-Bob picked up a stake and with his free hand, lit the rag. Dutifully Lew threw the Molotov cocktail in through the window. Instantly the front room began catching fire as the vampires inside yelped "Hey!" and "What the hell?!" The front door flew open and the vampires began running out.
"NOW!" Hugh-Bob shouted at Lew. Lew squeamishly squinted his eyes and drove a stake into the first vampire's chest.
"YOU FAG!" the vampire spit.
"DICK!" another hissed at Hugh-Bob.
"FUCK YOU ASSWIPE!"
"IMA KICK YOUR ASS!"
Four vampires lay writhing, moaning, and cursing on the ground, stakes jutting from their chests. Something was wrong though. Alarmed Hugh-Bob yelled over to Lew who looked like he wanted to throw up.
"You said there were 5? There's only 4 here. Who's missing?" LEW! Who'd we miss?!" Lew just stood there, swallowing bile and trying to keep from passing out.
"Me, Dickwad."
Hugh-Bob whirled around to face who he gathered to be the head vampire. The vampire backhanded Hugh-Bob, sending him sprawling on his back and knocking the wind out of him. The vampire stood over him and planted a foot on his neck. He looked over at his brethren pinned to the ground.
"Stupid assholes! Didn't I tell you, one of you has to stand guard at all times?! See what happens? Any jerk-off with a hero complex can come in and stake you idiots!"
"Lew!" Hugh-Bob choked out, "Nail him!"
"Whatsa matter, Lew? Can't hang?" the head vampire taunted. Lew was frozen in place watching the other vampires expire. They hissed and spewed out brownish blood and phlegm. Their skin contracted back from their mouths their tongues lolled out of their mouths. It was pretty damned ugly. The head vampire removed his foot from Hugh-Bob's neck and started walking towards Lew. Lew picked up the last of his stakes and pointed it at the head vampire like a gun. He was shaking so bad that the stake was jiggling around in the air.
"Do it, Lew!" Hugh-Bob coughed as he got to his feet. Lew couldn't stop shaking enough to stab the vampire who then snatched the stake out of his hands and slapped him to the ground. The vampire stood over Lew and positioned the stake over his heart.
"I figured you were a fag." As the vampire lifted the stake up, readying to skewer Lew through the heart, Hugh-Bob came up behind him and drove the pitchfork through the vampire's chest. Unlike the rest of the vampires, when the head one died, he dissolved into a mass of brownish-red goo that sploshed all over Hugh-Bob and Lew.
"I think I'm gonna be sick." Hugh-Bob said. The house had now thoroughly caught fire and obviously attracted someone's attention because Hugh-Bob heard sirens in the distance and rapidly moving towards them. Grabbing Lew, they ran down the dirt driveway and around the corner to Hugh-Bob's truck. Lew jumped into the truck bed and cowered against a corner as Hugh-Bob peeled out, fishtailing as he sped off into the night.
-------------------------
"Hugh, how's it going today?" the boss of the concrete yard asked with a slap to one of Hugh-Bob's shoulders.
"You know how it is. Could be better. Could be worse."
"I hear you there. Say, how's 'The Boy without a Brain' doing?" The two men glanced over at Lew who was standing at a cement mixer squinting at a laminated card that listed concrete mixture proportions.
"How's it going, Lew?" the boss shouted. Lew snapped his head up, tried waving back at the boss, slipped and fell into the cement mixer again.
"Doin' 'bout the same, I reckon." Hugh-Bob answered as he watched six men pull a wet, concrete covered, would-have-been vampire out of the cement mixer.
"Yup, 'bout the same."
User Reviews
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-11-06 21:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-10-18 11:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
something occured to me...
if they staked four , say, biker type guys and found out they werent vampires, would it be murder?
anyway, woodnt killing vampires be murder too?
vampire rascist!
they have rights and feelings too ya know!
peeple these days.
just not safe coming outta the coffin anymore.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-17 18:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rednecks VS BFG Vampires??? I LIKE!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-10-17 15:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gave me a serious giggle.
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-10-17 14:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-17 12:11:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, nice one
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-10-17 10:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Line's such as "Hugh-Bob, I think I done got turned into a vampire." just made this a 2.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-17 10:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoyed this. Having grown up for the most part in the South, I have seen this entire story nepotism and all(minus the vampires) in real life, including the idiot that falls into the cement.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-17 10:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like this
as an aside, through various accounts (bamf, mudwhistle, emojean, NRA, Levity, _Aries_...um and some others probably) I've only rated your posts about 20 times total.
I find that odd
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-17 09:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-17 09:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alternate title: "When Hillbillies and Vampires In-Breed"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-17 07:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's great that is.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-10-17 00:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not that great.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-17 00:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-10-16 22:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and people wonder why they recall pot pies now-a-days
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-16 19:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
random
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-16 19:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2007-10-16 18:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fright Night is the best movie since Sliced Bread, a movie about comparisons.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-10-16 18:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-16 18:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6cf7d6f036
hahahahaha
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-16 18:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now Andy did you hear about this one?
Tell me, are you locked in the punch?
Hey Andy are you goofing on Elvis?
Hey, baby. Are we losing touch?
That video was great, Bosh.
Nope Crystle, I'm out of the Gruberfest which of course means I don't have to spazz.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-16 17:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT?!?!?! THIS ISN'T EVEN A GRUEBERFEST THING-A-MA-JIG?!?!?
it rocked.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-16 17:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
seriously, he trusted you
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-16 17:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PS
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c904d171d5
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-16 17:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-16 17:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-16 17:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dangnabbit, forgot to rate
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-16 17:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I totally read this with T-Bag's voice in my head.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-10-16 16:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn right I solved my zombie problem.
little fuckers be givin me shit.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-10-16 16:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-16 16:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-16 16:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You won't mind if I just skip reading this and shout out a "show me your hole...again"...will you?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was cool, do it again.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i mean..
fucking BOSH!!!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
vampires say "fag" a lot
I like the "Hamms" ref though, from the land of sky-blue water
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
16 flavors of awesomeness, indeed.
Also,
"grabbed at the creature who was riding him like a rodeo bull"
You've been looking at my dreams again, haven't you?
Naughty, naughty pixie.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Angel likey.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-16 15:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
varmiNt