Mirror Darkly: Grueberfest 2007 (603 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: Grueberfest_07
Rating: -0.22 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2007-10-17 09:16:47 EDT
"John!" She yells from down by the lake, "Come over here, the water is beautiful!"
Her auburn hair flutters gently in the slight summer breeze causing her to relentlessly move it from in front of her eyes, almost warring. Those beautiful eyes, they look as if they absorb about everything they see, and when you see them, you want to be absorbed.
I leave the car bonnet, flicking away the Marlborough, a total lack of respect for my surroundings.
"Here? You see it? The light... it swims..." I can see it babe, but you don't need to know that I see it. "I'm so glad you suggested this day break baby, it's so special" I'm sure it is honey.
"I guess what with all the rows" always talking "I just thought we were near the end, you know?" Yeah I get what you're saying, but you don't hear me do you sweet heart? You don't listen because you don't know I'm even talking.
"I just think..." Here we go, what now? What fault will she find to sabotage our trip? What slight detail has been over looked, as far as she can tell anyway, that she feels the need to bring something up. I'm pre-empting destruction aren't I? "Maybe you should tell me... who were they?"
I look out into the horizon, Helios setting himself to sleep, the day fading into night slowly. "I think if you just told me who those girls were..." I see a new day tomorrow, because today is so easily forgotten.
"How can I trust you if you won't talk to me?" I spoke to you while I slept, and you never listened. You heard the names of girls and you took them as lovers... I can't have you knowing those names and not knowing why you cannot speak them. "I mean... if you're sleeping with them" Silly girl.
"God damn you John" He already does. Don't struggle, it won't take long, and you can join the others. Just like the light, you'll roll into the depths, and dance upon the surface.
Even now, I see my own reflections in the mirror of the water, so darkly does my shadows turn, that I wonder sometimes whether or not I am even meant to be heard, or whether or not this is simply my calling. My culling.
She will, like them enter the place, that my mirror does so easily reflect the darkness past within.
One by one I'll bring them here where these wild roses grow, to look at the lake and ask the question that will decide their fate. I'll look into their eyes, and the Almighty shall judge them, and find them wanting.
I'm pre-empting destruction again... aren't I?
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-21 16:00:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like your idea, as you conveyed it below. I'd like to read your rewrite.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-10-18 15:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-18 12:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Considering I got by rounds one and two by being the highest-ranking loser, I certainly didn't expect to win this one - it's all luck and the running mood of uber at the moment, I think
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-18 05:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-10-18 02:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
c'mon bro i could've done better than this...
AHAHAHAHA just kidding...
or am i?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-10-18 02:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not the idea that is lacking here, it is the execution.
The conversation needs to be structured so it can be followed at first read. I had to go back a few times to understand what the point was. Proper punctuation is also a plus. It helps the flow of the piece.
Otherwise a nice idea.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-17 17:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What Mud said.
This wasn't bad enough for a -2.
Cool, I didn't burn my crab cakes.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-17 17:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't have trouble following it at all.
I don't think it was a good post for this competition.
Oh shit, my crabcakes!
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-17 12:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I had high hopes
they were dashed
MARLBORO....MAR L BORO....why do they hire em if they don't speak english
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-17 12:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i thought this was readable.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-17 11:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
:) no worries guys. Appreciate all the honesty
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-17 11:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I am sorry Hourman but this did nothing for me. I don't think it really worked at all.
Still, life is risk and all that.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-17 11:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I too had trouble following it and in the end found myself wondering what you were trying to convey.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-17 10:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
yeah i had trouble following it too
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-17 10:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Then you must be BAMF. I got confused.
Thanks, I appreciate the honesty.
I'll be honest, I'll never use this piece again now. I'll just do a total over haul. Oh well, at least I'm gonna go crashing and burning out of the comp.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-17 10:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
take this peice, expand on it, make me feel what you just said your thoughts about someone and fear are and post it outside of the competition and you'll see better marks.
I'm not HAD, he's a pompous asshole.
Uber is not your target audience, you yourself are the target and you should be writing for yourself and using uber to bounce your ideas off of.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-17 10:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FUCK. I totally regret posting this now.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-17 09:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um...worth reading, at best. Not really in the spirit of the comp, I'm afraid.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-17 09:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-17 09:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
i don't say it to be a prick so let me explain
- Marlboro, but that is insignificant really
- the cut backs from dialogue to inner dialogue to narration seemed messy and I had a hard time following along.
- she goes from happy happy 'the lake is beautiful' to 'god damn it john' in what can only assume in real time is about a minute?
- no back ground, no history, no feeling...its like a chunk of a story that I've read a few dozen times here on uber (in its idea) but cut into a 'flash fiction' peice and I don't think that works for a competition where you are trying to raise fear in people.
---------------
That's fair enough.
I wanted the dialogue to literally mirror what he was thinking without him having to talk backwards and forwards. It's basically a monologue with her occasionaly talking, leading us along. I don;t know how that was hard to follow, but I can see how it could be messy. BUT again, the thought process isn;t clean and simple to read.
It's not in 'real time' as it were, she could be going on for hours. He's just listening and looking and she's going on and on, as he mulls over these inner revelations. And I think if you're in the middle of a turbulent relationship and things aren;t going right, then yeah all of a sudden someone can snap and get all arsey etc.
Again I guess I just thought this suited flash fiction.
I suppose at the end of the day, you're my target auduence, uber, and if it's not enjoyed, then that's my mistake as a writer for no conveying what I was trying to do.
I think my idea of fear, is that person, that we all know, who always looks as if they are thinking about what you're saying, but they secretly hate you. They want to end you. And the fear is one day, that they will snap.
Thanks though Had, at least you reviewed honestly, so I can't help but respect that.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-17 09:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
i don't say it to be a prick so let me explain
- Marlboro, but that is insignificant really
- the cut backs from dialogue to inner dialogue to narration seemed messy and I had a hard time following along.
- she goes from happy happy 'the lake is beautiful' to 'god damn it john' in what can only assume in real time is about a minute?
- no back ground, no history, no feeling...its like a chunk of a story that I've read a few dozen times here on uber (in its idea) but cut into a 'flash fiction' peice and I don't think that works for a competition where you are trying to raise fear in people.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-17 09:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. Really? Ok. Fuck.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-17 09:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
painful to read