Road Rage (793 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.3 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wompom (View user info) at 2007-10-17 13:31:28 EDT
It's so easy to give in. It seems so harmless, too. Like, what is the other person going to do, slam on their breaks, step out of their car and retaliate? If they get that mad at you for cussing them out, they shouldn't have cut you off in the first place, right? You've got to be careful these days, though. Especially on late nights in these little towns where there are no witnesses for these things.
"ASSFACE!" Though I didn't really get a good look at his or her face, the other driver surely had such a face. Surely no normal faced person would mindlessly cut me off like that. Promptly after cutting me off, assface drifted over to the right lane and slowed. I seized the opportunity to validate my assumption and let this other driver feel the wrath of my middle finger. For lack of light pollution, the moon can really brighten up a scene out here.
Assumption validated, wrath delivered, I floored it. Boy, that guy did have an assface. He glared at me like I'm the one that did something wrong, that assface. He even drove an asscar. Some Oldsmobile that looked more used than a geriatric crack-whore, even by moonlight. I'd get over it after a few minutes of mumbling to myself about it normally, but 10 minutes later I noticed a certain asscar remained precariously close behind me, its single headlight drifting side to side in my rearview mirror.
More annoyed than frightened, I figured I could easily lose this guy in a supercharged 240 horse Buick. So I floored it. I chuckled as the single headlight quickly receded into the horizon behind me. Assface turned and vanished, and I sped home satisfied.
I turned down my music as I neared my driveway, not for neighbors but for habit. All too many times I'd thrown whatever I was holding after starting my car in the morning and blasting myself with 118 db of Demon Hunter. Music muted, a strange feeling crept over me. I tried to shrug it off but it persisted. I pulled my keys from the ignition and sat in my car, doors locked, analyzing this sense of foreboding.
A flash of light and shattering glass as my driver's window succumbed to the force of an illuminated maglite. Two hands followed immediately after and struggled to pull me out through the window. Why hello, thar, Assface! Incredulity preceded surprise.
I thrashed for all I was worth, my eyes were clamped shut, but I felt my fingernails dig into flesh. I felt the unmistakable texture of fresh blood on my hands, and then all went quiet.
How inconvenient for me that my assailant had chloroform. My eyes regained focus and staring me right in the face was none other than Assface, in my own basement, of all places! Good to see I'd scraped him up a bit. However, judging by the looks of him, he may well have been missing those teeth for a while now.
I quickly discovered that I was bound, I was far more livid than panicked. Assface wasn't a large man; in fact, he was slightly smaller than me with a stocky build. Were it not for his advantages of surprise and chloroform, I'd have taken him out already.
He smiled his half-toothed grin and sputtered something in a gloating tone, "meh he heh, gotchoo nah, muh fuka, whatchoo gun do bout it? ... Nah whatchoo got up in heya fo tah eat?" Unless I was mistaken, Assface not only had me bound in my own basement, but he had the audacity to ask me for some food! I began to suspect the question was rhetorical as he walked up the stairs, going directly for my kitchen.
I could hear him going through cabinets, opening sealed food items. I'm throwing out everything that man touches after I kick his ass. He has no idea who he just pissed off. You've got to be careful who you pick a fight with out in the boonies - especially if, like my captor, you suck at tying knots.
I could hear him lumbering down the stairs, noisily chewing on his ill-gotten nourishment. "Muh fuh gots some goo shih up'n heya." His right foot made contact with the cement floor moments before my wood 2x4 made contact with his face. Suddenly, our first meeting was fresh in my mind again. I hate it when people cut me off, but this guy could have lived if he hadn't followed me home. He doesn't fit my usual MO.
My assailant was on the floor screaming, hands over his bloodied face. He rolled to his side in the fetal position, and my 2x4 made contact with the small of his back. The resulting scream assured me that he'd be there long enough for me to get my usual equipment.
When I returned with my tray of goodies, he had hobbled across the room. He was white as a ghost. Oops! It looks like he found some other road rage victims. "You're the first to ever come to me. Usually I have to follow them." He continued to stare at the mangled corpse of... What was her name? Kimmy, Kimberly? I can never remember. I can't believe how many different car parts I was able to cram in her before she died.
"Now, you have fewer holes than my usual victims, so I'm going to make some new ones." I love his expression, here. He turns to me and sputters some other redneck garbage, "muh fuh, I's jus mess witcha, jus gun grab sum grub, ' git goin, I aint planning nuffin fo like dis, Is jus gun leave you, aint even tie you down none good!" His rambling annoyed me, and I had a muffler waiting for it's new home inside his flesh.
User Reviews
Submitted by bruzwuld (user info) at 2007-12-19 08:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Your retaliation is in response to my comment on one of your submissions. You had left a -2 on someone else's item, which in my opinion showed very poor judgement on your part. That's the reason I left my comment.
Submitted by bruzwuld (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:26:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Does one need to be very smart to write something like that ?
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2007-10-17 23:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-17 18:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-17 15:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And THAT is how a Grueberfest entry should be done.
For fun, some automobile acronyms:
FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily, Found On Road Dead, Found On Reservation Dump, First On Race Day
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Also: For only retail display.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-10-17 18:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That story put me into killzone mode. Women and children within a 4 mile radius of me are no longer safe, and should seek shelter made of solid oak.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-10-17 16:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly divine!!
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2007-10-17 15:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-17 15:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And THAT is how a Grueberfest entry should be done.
For fun, some automobile acronyms:
FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily, Found On Road Dead, Found On Reservation Dump, First On Race Day
BUICK - Barfed Up Icky Caramel Korn
DODGE - 'Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
TOYOTA - Too Often, Yankees Overprice This Auto
PINTO - Put In New Transmission Often
DATZA - Dungy Afer Tapping Zebra Ass
FIAT - Fix It Again, Tony
PONTIAC - Poor Old Negro Thinks Its A Cadillac
Submitted by dronebee (user info) at 2007-10-17 15:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-17 15:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Buicks are no cooler than oldsmobiles
I enjoyed this despite the problems other's have mentioned.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-17 14:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-17 14:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-17 14:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Geriatric Crackwhore"
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-17 14:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
brian surewood, straight male pornstar, got arrested for like manslaughter or something over road rage last week.
http://cbs2.com/topstories/local_story_284110812.html
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:49:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ASSFACE
Mormon murder LOL
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rife with typos
executed...fair to middling if i'm generous
there are better ways of trying to convey shitty ghetto speak
i'd say this is worth reading at best.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Buicks are no cooler than oldsmobiles
his dialogue sound much more ebonic than redneck.
________________
Buicks are inconspicuous. Oldsmobiles are junk. Both are cheap.
Some english dialects begin to sound a lot alike without teeth.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something about 'Why hello, thar, Assface! Incredulity preceded surprise.' struck me as hilarious
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good effort, worth reading
but
Buicks are no cooler than oldsmobiles
his dialogue sound much more ebonic than redneck.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:35:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
before i go further...what are the automobile liking characteristics of a 'geriatric crack-whore'? don't crackwhores usually die young?
______
Knocked around, bloodied, wholly unappealing, and a shock that it's still moving.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yea that was pretty cool
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it, I meant to give you a 2. Sorry.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, that was interesting.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:35:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
before i go further...what are the automobile liking characteristics of a 'geriatric crack-whore'? don't crackwhores usually die young?
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-10-17 13:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa.
Better.