UberLiar Rd 1 (499 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.31 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (View user info) at 2007-10-18 12:33:52 EDT
So, my first contest. Which one do you think is the fake story?
Story 1: Shitty Christmas
It confounds me.
I have yet to really comprehend the lingering obsession many guys have towards all things "bum". Why is it so tantalizing? Is it the smell? That sweet and fetid aroma? The slimy and oozing texture maybe? Perhaps the ever present feeling of it being hands off? Whatever the reason, it's surprising how many times a guy will look up mid-coitus, wink, and utter, "Want to try it in the ass?"
My ex and I were visiting his parents for Christmas a couple years back. Like always, the overzealous gluttony, greed, and general grossness of the holiday season were on display. In an attempt to escape the pestering questions of possible betrothals or future grandchildren, we took his mother's van out to the beach. For some quiet time. For some solitude. For some uninterrupted Christmas sex.
Near the secluded highway by his parents house, there's a break in the trees lining the road, revealing a path barely large enough to drive a van through to the beach. We parked and scrambled into the backseat. While I was straddling him, grinding and trying to keep my balance in the backseat, he gave me a wicked smile and snaked his hand around my ass. "Let's try something new," he said.
I rose my head to look and him, attempting to swat his hand away, when my knee slipped off the backseat. At the same moment, he thrust himself up towards me. And his finger disappeared into parts unknown. We looked at each other, momentarily stunned.
Then I felt it. The sudden abdominal cramp that came a half second before my anus muscles contracted and I felt an involuntarily stream of brown goop explode out, over his pants legs, and dribble onto the floor. Mortified, I shrank away and stumbled out of the car. We ran to the ocean and plunged ourselves in, careful not to let the water meet our faces. Soaking and freezing, we got back into the putrid smelling van and drove to the nearest carwash, where we used the hoses and the foaming scrub brush to clean off the floor and the seat.
We drove back to his parents house in a complete silence. The van has never smelled the same since. And he never asked to do it up the ass again.
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Story 2: There's A Bone In My Sink
When my mother's cousin died, the family followed his wishes to have him cremated. Most of his ashes were going to be poured into the pond near the hospice where he died, but not before certain members of my superstitious family fulfilled some special requests. They wanted small viles filled with his remains as a way to remember him by. A few days before the memorial, I stood in the doorway of my mother's kitchen, listening to them argue over the appropriate way to separate the ashes.
It was decided that pouring the large urn that held him over the sink would be the best choice, as well as the choice that was less disrespectful to the dead. They stood near the sink, making sure all the tools were available. Urn of ashes? Check. Four small viles? Check. Steady hands for pouring? All heads turned to me. I rolled my eyes and sauntered near the sink.
Taking a deep breath, I tipped the urn over, holding one of the small viles under its rim. It should have occurred to us that there was a vast difference between the opening of the urn and the top of the vile. Grief, I suppose, has a way of discarding such pragmatic thoughts.
Nothing was coming out of the urn. I shook it a little, like it was a ketchup bottle refusing to release its contents. A small pocket of air was apparently trapped in the urn and suddenly a gray cloud exploded into the air. Ashes covered my face, my shirt, the counter near the sink, and even managed to create a dusty film on the window above the sink. I coughed in surprise and groaned in disgust as I felt particles stick to the inside of my throat. I shook my head, hoping that some of the ashes would fall into the sink. I felt a film covering the inside of my mouth and my nose. My eyes burned as I opened them. I rubbed off the ashes from my face with the corner of my shirt.
My family stepped back, horrified, some choking on a half-sob, half-bark of laughter. Without a word, I yanked open the rest of the viles and began scooping ashes into them from the pile in the bottom of the sink. After I filled them, I cupped the remaining ashes into the urn. I cleaned off the counter and the window with a damp towel. And washed the rest of the ashes down with the water faucet. Water began filling up in the sink, refusing to go down, so I flipped on the garbage disposal. It groaned and clunked off. I flipped off the switch and reached my hand down until I felt a curve of a small bone. Apparently, cremation doesn't mean just all ashes. I wiped off my hand on my shirt and proceeded to stripped down to my underwear, telling my mom she could just throw my clothes away.
If you accidentally swallow a relative's ashes, does that make you a cannibal?
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
heh i got this one right too
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-19 11:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 - True
2 - False.
When my ex showed me his grandma, who was cremated, they give you the ashes in plastic bag within a box.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-19 01:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-10-18 19:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Story 1: False
Story 2: Truth
Well to be honest, I'm just going off life experiences. I've had sex with 2 women in the ass and not once have I so much as seen a speck of shit, I don't know if they had enema's or what (which I highly doubt because it has never been planned..), it's a mystery really. So yes, if I've never seen shit on my own cock I just sincerely doubt you can bring yourself to accidently shit whilst something is up that way?
Though it still made me squirm.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-10-18 17:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loved both stories, still laughing, thanks a
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2007-10-18 17:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not going to look at which one's true until I submit mine, but it may take me until tomorrow.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-18 16:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Story one - truth
Submitted by dronebee (user info) at 2007-10-18 15:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1 F
2 T
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-10-18 15:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Story 1: False
Story 2: True
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-18 15:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-18 13:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 - T
2 - F
haha
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-18 14:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 - F, 2 - T. The sphincter muscles don't contract when releasing faeces, they relax.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-18 14:01:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1= false 2-=truth
bosh
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-18 13:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 - T
2 - F
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-18 13:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.F
2.T
Submitted by baronMunchausen (user info) at 2007-10-18 13:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1. False
2. True
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-18 13:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 Lie
#2 Truth
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-10-18 13:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope they're both false.
but
1=T
2=F
I said "butt"
hehehe
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2007-10-18 12:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a trick. They're both true.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-18 12:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1:F
2:T
<witty comment>
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-18 12:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1)F
2)T
Also,
"Want to try it in the ass?"
I have never said this. Thought it, maybe, but never flat out brought it up.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-18 12:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"proceeded to stripped down to my underwear"
Should be "strip". Sorry. Fucking grammar.