Why I didn't kill my sister: UberLiars Round 1 (1666 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.64 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-10-19 10:19:43 EDT
Choose which one is true... you know the drill by now, right?
Option A
My sister was born when I was two. I hated her like poison from the beginning - her monkey head, her furry little ears, her annoying little drugged-kitten mewling cry, everything she did and everything she was drove me crazy. I used to drag her down the hallway by her foot, her little head bouncing along the carpet, trying to get her to the bathroom before Mum caught me so I could flush her down the toilet. I really, really hated the bitch.
When I was five and she was three, we got an above ground pool put in the backyard. That was the best summer I can remember before I left home and discovered naked pool parties with university guys. I'd swim, my little monkey headed freak sister would float around in her swim ring thing, and Dad would work his way through most of a carton of beer while providing us with competent adult supervision. ('Hey, Dad, watch me jump off the fence backwards with my eyes closed holding the cat!" "Yer a fucken winner, Lyndy! Thass mah gel!")
One afternoon, she got overexcited and kicked too hard and tipped her swim ring thing upside down. She slipped out and sank like a stone to the bottom of the pool, a trail of bubbles rising to the surface like tiny silver only-child hopes. I would have left her there, but my cunning little five year old mind realised that if she died, my parents might take the pool out. I raised the alarm, yelled for my Dad, and she was saved in a timely and dramatic fashion... they took the pool out anyway.
My parents announced my dedicated and loving attempts to save my sister to every fucking relative we had, and for a while picking on her would have drawn too much attention and would have ended the lavish praise and affection being bestowed upon me. By the time it trailed away naturally, I'd realised she wasn't so bad after all and I never tried to kill her again after that.
Option B
My sister was born when I was two. I hated her like poison from the beginning - her monkey head, her furry little ears, her annoying little drugged-kitten mewling cry, everything she did and everything she was drove me crazy. I used to drag her down the hallway by her foot, her little head bouncing along the carpet, trying to get her to the bathroom before Mum caught me so I could flush her down the toilet. I really, really hated the bitch.
When she was two, she started eating spiders. And snails. And beetles. She'd freeze tadpoles so that when she sliced them up with her little crayola scissors they wouldn't go soggy. She'd keep centipedes in her pockets as pets and bring them out to show me at night when we were supposed to be asleep. She was a hardcore fearless little gross-out and she scared the shit out of me.
When she was three, she put my guinea pig in a 44 gallon drum of water to see if it could swim.
It couldn't.
By the time she was four, we had a two year old brother and she'd lock him in the shed on hot days and tell him the snakes and rats were gonna eat him. He'd piss himself with fear and she'd smile, this cold little crooked smirk, and tell him that if he told she'd make his dog run away.
Since she was two, I've tried really, really hard to be her best friend. You would, too. She's all sweetness and light now, but sometimes when she tells her son that she'll cut his willy off if he waves it at the neighbour one more time, I see a glimpse of the psychotic toddler I knew then... and I go home and have bad dreams for a week.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2007-12-20 18:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Got to be #1.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-26 12:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't mean that you sensitive whore, I meant that you have to write something as per my challenge.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-26 06:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Classy, apollo. That's why they love you here.
A was true.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-25 00:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
clock's ticking you cunt
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2007-11-02 12:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're supposed to eventually say which one is true, I think.
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2007-10-25 22:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
late but yes this was great
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-10-22 21:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"and tell him that if he told she'd make his dog run away."
that really is very fucking evil
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-10-22 16:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a=t
b=f
i want that comic.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-22 08:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 Lie
#2 Truth
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2007-10-22 04:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-10-19 18:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna say
A) False, and
B) True.
Is a carton of beer more or less than a slab? I knew I was in over my head with the Australian citizenship test when I got to question 6: How many slabs can three bogans fit in a ute?
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Nice.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-21 22:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
Submitted by rosemadder (user info) at 2007-10-21 01:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This chick rawks. I've been reading her other stuff, and she's fuckin' funny, dude.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-10-20 22:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two true.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-20 16:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A - T
2 - F
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-20 16:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-10-20 00:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
happy world cup final eve.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-20 00:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aww.. lil' Circe!!
my guess: actually - things involving her "sister" only ever happened when Circe wasn't around.
She never met her sister, although she'd hear her voice, and see evidence around.
truth? multiple personalities at play.
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-19 08:21:09 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heck I didn't even know you had a sister.
1# T
2# F
It was totally you that kept centipedes as pets and locked your brother in the shed.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-10-19 22:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey baby. How are you?
Two is true.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-19 20:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Primero: Falso...too mundane to be true, and not really all that worthy of a tale but well wrtitten nonetheless.
Segundo: Cierto...because I think I dated your sister.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-19 20:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bofe 'em be lies, but +2 anyhow.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-10-19 18:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna say
A) False, and
B) True.
Is a carton of beer more or less than a slab? I knew I was in over my head with the Australian citizenship test when I got to question 6: How many slabs can three bogans fit in a ute?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-10-19 17:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh and 2 is the fakie.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-10-19 17:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found a pimp-ass fur coat in the thrift store last night for $29. PIMP.
Peta can kiss my ass, at least I'm recycling.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-19 15:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry,
A true
B false
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-19 15:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I choose "A"
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-19 15:10:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the first one is true.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-10-19 14:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-19 11:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3. Is she free?
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$2.99AUS/min
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CRIKEY!!!
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-10-19 14:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1: T
2: F
Good job, as always.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-19 14:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
either way you need help
2=t
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-10-19 13:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-10-19 12:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was terrible
==================================
I fucking <3 the Aussies on this site.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-10-19 12:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1=T
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-10-19 12:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was terrible
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2007-10-19 12:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta be:
1.)T
2.)F
Nice read.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-19 12:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well if it's 1 you're pretty fucked up, and if it's 2 you and your sister are both pretty fucked up...
2, they say that kind of shit runs in families.
Submitted by dronebee (user info) at 2007-10-19 11:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1. True
2. False
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-19 11:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two is true.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-19 11:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww, thanks, CJ.
skrap, I have bad dreams all the time. Usually they're about this place finding out where I live and showing up to use the bathroom.
well i will be there in a little bit. I hope you have soft toilet paper. If not it's ok. I brought a roll so as not to have to use sandpaper on my brown eye.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-19 11:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"She'd freeze tadpoles so that when she sliced them up with her little crayola scissors they wouldn't go soggy."
Blatant lie! Toddlers can't reach the door to a freezer.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-10-19 11:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1=true
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-19 11:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. F
2. T
3. Is she free?
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$2.99AUS/min
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-19 11:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heck I didn't even know you had a sister.
1# T
2# F
It was totally you that kept centipedes as pets and locked your brother in the shed.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-19 11:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 - False
2 - True
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. F
2. T
3. Is she free?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i like how the dragged down the hallway to flush part was true.
i'm guessing #1 is true, but based on your uber representation the second story could be about you as a child told from third person.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1:T
2:T probably....
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Christ.
#1 - T
#2 - F (as much as I *want* to believe it, I just can't)
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:50:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1) False
2) True. Gotta be.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww, thanks, CJ.
skrap, I have bad dreams all the time. Usually they're about this place finding out where I live and showing up to use the bathroom.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 is true
easy easy easy!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my.
You, sistah, kick copious amounts of ass.
1) F
2) T
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 True
Everyone knows that when boys show their willies to people that its being cute and spontaneous
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Aw c'mon.
1:T, 2:F
You don't have bad dreams.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yer a fucken winner!
hahahaha
1)F
2)T
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-19 10:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1: F
2: T