Having a break, with added Jo-Ho action absolutely free. (655 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2007-10-22 11:24:56 EDT
Drogo was feeling a bit overwhelmed recently and so he did what people do when they feel a little bit off, he went on holiday. Packing his bags and his inflatable girl of the moment he set off for the airport and took the first available holiday the lovely people at Exeter airport had to offer. Pretty soon after that he was being man handled and 'Searched', very thoroughly, by his wonderful new friends, Bert & Teddy, at the security gates. Sadly no matter how hard they tried they just couldn't find the item that was making the machine go 'Buzz' every time Drogo walked through. Of course Drogo could have been nice and told them it was a couple of pins located in his right knee, but he didn't want to interfere with their work which they seemed to love so much.
Sitting on the plane reading the very important safety instructions about what to do if the plane chose to take a quick dip in the big blue Drogo was happy and relaxed. He would soon find himself in a little known 'Paradise' called Malaga. Yes Drogo had fallen foul of a very basic holiday Faux Pas. Never take a last minute deal at the airport as they will send you to a place that is basically England with sun.
It beggars belief what happens at these places. The food, if that's what it is supposed to be, is terrible and English (actually I may not have to add the Terrible there just leave it as English) I don't get it? Why fly to a different country and then demand the same shitty eating experience that you can get at home?
Anyway this is all by the by.
Drogo booked into his hotel, 4 star no less ohhhhhhhhhhhh, and proceeded to stand lemon like at the desk waiting for the porter to come and take his bag and show him to his room. 30 minutes later he asked the receptionist, in poor broken Spanish as he believes in making an effort, where the porter was to take his bag. She looked suitable impressed that he had made the Spanish effort but then told him to carry it himself. A wee bit dejected Drogo set off on the arduous trek up one flight of stairs to his room.
The room was actually very nice, and fully air conditioned. A wee balcony for Drogo to enjoy a cup of tea and a spot of breakfast on with a lovely view of a Spanish construction site up on the hill. A moment of panic did fly through Drogo's mind as he looked at the construction site and he thought of noise, but then he remembered that he was in Spain.
He quickly set to work emptying his bag on the bed and fishing out his shorts. With shorts on and wife beater on top Drogo was ready to go down to the pool. Slapping on more sunscreen than an Albino, Ginger Heliophobe he left the apartment.
There are some odd sights to be seen in Spanish Holiday places. For one thing British women seem to think it is perfectly acceptable to get their tits out whenever the sun is in the sky. This of course is perfectly acceptable in Drogo's mind, but he wishes that some of them would show some restraint in the matter. Walking amongst the sun loungers he had to change his direction on a few occasions so as not to stand on some of the rather unpleasant appendages. Indeed some of these things had a life of their own, and whilst the owner was laying asleep topping up their sun burn it would be crawling desperately towards the pool to cool down, or maybe even looking for a drink.
Drogo chose a Sun lounger and set to work getting his towel set perfectly. He then took off the wife beater top and, after a brief moment of blindness for everyone around him, due to his pale complexion, he sat down and began to pretend to read his book. Really he was just people watching and the sights that he saw. He had been sitting for no more than 4 minutes when something entered the pool in front of him. He took some time to realise what it was and when he didn't see any movement from life guards or animal welfare officers he realised that it wasn't actually a whale that had lost its way. The strange thing about this creature was that it appeared to have 4 breasts. Not normally a bad thing but 2 of them seemed to be sprouting from underneath her armpits.
He then decided to go for a dip. Entering the pool in a gingerly and mincing way, due to the cold temperature of the water, he managed to eventually submerge his body. He rose out of the water and suddenly found himself entangled in tentacles. He plunged under the surface again trying to call for help, but none was to be found. He stopped thrashing about like a dick and stood up. Then he saw that he wasn't actually being attacked by a giant squid, but some unfortunate female had taken her top off before getting into the other side of the pool.
Drogo decided not to go near the pool area again. He didn't have the right body for it anyway, which translates to him not being Tattooed and not being shaven headed. Instead he would venture out of the Hotel and look for 'The Real Spain'.
A week later a despondent, but relaxed, Drogo got back on the plane to go home. He left Spain behind him and vowed never to go to a coastal part of it again.
The plane ride back was exciting as the pilot obviously decided that he was going to be a bit of a cock and try to land a wee bit too fast. This ended with him having to go up again to try for another landing. The second attempt wasn't all that different to the first but this time he at least put the wheels down. Then as an after thought, about 20 seconds later, he decided he would try using the brakes. Drogo, meanwhile, was having his hand squeezed by his inflatable girlfriend and was seriously tempted to look her in the eyes and tell her he loved her. Luckily the plane stopped and the vice like grip was released as the passengers broke into spontaneous applause.
Drogo got all excited about the possibility of meeting Bert and Teddy again but was to be disappointed.
After a relaxing weekend at home Drogo woke up on the Monday and discovered that one of his fellow plane buddies had obviously being carrying some sort of Plague, like Ebola, and had, rather generously, infected him with it. He went off to work with a head like he had been trampled by a hippo and marvelled at the amount of phlegm and snot one body could actually produce. After half a day the office decided that Drogo had spread his germs for long enough and sent him home. Result!
So he got home, as the serious aches and Pains set in and the end loomed. He went straight to the kitchen and made himself a steaming hot cup of Lemsip and set off to go upstairs and wrap himself in the indestructible duvet of comfort and love. Then the doorbell rang.
"Hedo!" Said Drogo in as pathetic a voice as he could muster.
"Hello. Oh! You don't look to good." Said a smiling geriatric on his doorstep which prompted the other smiling geriatric to wheeze a bit.
"Danks. How may I delp dou?" As snot welled up in his nasal passages.
"Look at this. Have you ever thought what those words mean?" The smiling old thing held up a cheap and nasty looking pamphlet that read 'The End is Upon us.'
"Dell I ....i'm dot very wool." Said Drogo holding back his unholy load of snot as best he could.
"I can see that. You may be afflicted with more than just a cold. You may be sickening for..." The smile faltered on her face as realisation of her predicament dawned. Sadly, for her, she realised too late.
Drogo closed the door behind him and went up stairs. Wrapping himself in his duvet he chuckled to himself, until a coughing fit reminded him not to be so reckless. He went off into sweet blissful sleep with the image of two very unhappy, and unchristian, looking Jo-Ho's covered with his snot.
User Reviews
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-10-23 20:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always entertaining.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-10-23 10:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
glad ya had a nice vacation, man.
this from the albino, ginger, homophobe or heliotoad, or whatever that werd used which i dont know what means and donèt care to find out....
alas, i think that the same jo-ho's paid me a visit,
as i feel like shit, look like shit......KRAAAAK!
oh christ! now i smell like shit!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-23 07:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahaha
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-10-23 06:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was in the south of Spain this summer. Had to fly through Malaga but obviously had the class to stay elsewhere.
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2007-10-22 21:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rosemadder (user info) at 2007-10-22 15:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a cold too, I'm home sick from work.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-22 15:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Watneys red barrel
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-22 14:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr. Smoketoomuch: And you can't even get a glass of Rodney's Red Barrel because
you're still in England with the bloody
bar closes every time you're thirsty. And the kids are crying and vomiting and
breaking the plastic ashtrays. They keep telling
you won't be another hour, but you know damn well your plane is still in Iceland,
because it had to turn back, trying to take a
party of Swedes to...
Mr. Bounder: Shut up!
Mr. Smoketoomuch: ...to take a party of Swedes to Yugoslavia. Of course it loads
you up there at 3 a.m. in the morning. And then you sit on the tarmac for four hours because of unforeseen difficulties, i.e.the permanent strike of airtraffic control over
Paris. When you finally get to Malaga airport, everybody's cueing for the bloody
toilet, and cueing for the bloody half-customs officers, and cueing for the bloody bus that isn't there, waiting to takeyou to the hotel that hasn't yet been built.
When you finally get to the half-built----ruin called the Hotel Limassol, while
paying half the holiday money to a license
Spaniard in a taxi, there's no water in the pool, there's no water in the bath,
there's no water in the tap, there's only a bleeding
lizard in the bid‚, and half the rooms are doublebooked, and you can't sleep anyhow,
'cause the permanent are in the jungles in
the hotel next door. Meanwhile, the Spanish National Tourist Board promises that
the raging cholera epidemic is merely a mild outbreak of the Spanish Conleigh, while the like of the previous outbreak in 1616 even the bloody rats are dying from it!
Graham Chapman: As early as the late 14th century, or indeed as late as the early
14th century, the earliest forms of japes
were divisible in...
Mr. Smoketoomuch: Meanwhile, the bloody guardia are arresting 16-yearolds for
kissing in the streets----everybody's buying
awful little horrid donkeys with their names on, I can't tell you the----and when
you finally get to Manchester, there's only
another bloody bus to carry you another 60 miles...
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-22 13:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo this, Drogo that, Drogo loves cock, Drogo this, Drogo that.
Hehe im the man when it comes to subliminal messaging.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-22 13:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey drogo - thought you'd died.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-22 12:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-22 12:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and what's adah?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-22 12:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jo ho?
also this:
There are some odd sights to be seen in Spanish Holiday places. For one thing British women seem to think it is perfectly acceptable to get their tits out whenever the sun is in the sky. This of course is perfectly acceptable in Drogo's mind, but he wishes that some of them would show some restraint in the matter. Walking amongst the sun loungers he had to change his direction on a few occasions so as not to stand on some of the rather unpleasant appendages. Indeed some of these things had a life of their own, and whilst the owner was laying asleep topping up their sun burn it would be crawling desperately towards the pool to cool down, or maybe even looking for a drink.
made me grateful for having small boobs. i am never going topless in europe.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-22 12:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did your inflatable girlfriend have fun though?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-10-22 12:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-22 12:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man Flu - the silent killer.
I would have thought four boobies was a dream come true.
I find it particularly freakish when larger women appear to have boobies on their backs.
Or they wear ill fitting bras causing the four boobied look.
Malaga is an awful place. Chavs and kids with ADAH.
--
I agree whole heartedly. They put ADAH in the food down there, it's where the 'Missing' children go!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-22 12:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man Flu - the silent killer.
I would have thought four boobies was a dream come true.
I find it particularly freakish when larger women appear to have boobies on their backs.
Or they wear ill fitting bras causing the four boobied look.
Malaga is an awful place. Chavs and kids with ADAH.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank Christ, I though you'd died.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey drogo - thought you'd died.
---
Nope aparently it was just a Cold!! I thought I was dying though of course.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank Christ, I though you'd died.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey drogo - thought you'd died.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad you had a good time. You know, other than getting sick.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ask and ye shall receive
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JoHo = Jehovas Witness?
Those people tick me off.
They always wake me up on a hungover Sunday morning.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your style.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-10-22 11:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A moment of panic did fly through Drogo's mind as he looked at the construction site and he thought of noise, but then he remembered that he was in Spain."
That alone deserves a 2.