Medicine: 200 Years of Progress (548 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.25 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Geddy Lee (View user info) at 2007-10-25 17:08:27 EDT
Medicine: 200 Years of Progress
In these modern times of science and technology, one of the most noticeable changes in the way we live our lives comfortably is in the form of healthcare. Breakthroughs in medicine and procedures have broken out of the casket, so to speak, and people are living longer (regardless of whether or not they want to), more wasteful lives. So let's make a tread back to the primitive days of 1807, and compare and contrast just how far we've come in a mere 200 years.
The way I'm running the show is simple: I'll run through 5 common illnesses and/or symptoms and how they would have treated it back in 1807, and compare that to modern-day treatment.
Runny Nose
In 1807: First, you'd be knocked unconscious, courtesy of a "trained professional", who is actually an apprentice executioner. Then, you would have a rotary drill inserted into your temple and screwed all the way in to "drain out all brain juice". After you stopped having the obligatory seizure which is vital to show that the brain still has some sort of activity and that you haven't completely died yet, you'll be hung upside down and beaten with a club to relieve the pain by rushing blood to your head and numbing your entire body.
In 2007: You'd be prescribed a box of tissues and then charged $1200 for the doctor to take 12 seconds to conclude that you were cutting an onion. Unfortunately you'll have to pay out of pocket when you find out that the office you went to is not covered by your obscure insurance company "Teds Group". You then come to the startling realization that you shouldn't have been so quick to jump on that $12 per month 'mediocre healthcare package'.
Trouble Urinating
In 1807: As this was a common remedy, attaching leeches to things just always seemed to get the ball rolling. This was even more so the case regarding problems with genitalia, unfortunately in a more literal sense. Attaching roughly ~150 leeches to your cock and balls and draining a few thousand gallons of blood over the course of a few months was thought to have an adverse affect on draining your main vein. Sure you couldn't walk or anything, what with the fifty pounds of your own blood hanging from your manhood, but you could rest comfortably knowing that in 2 short months you'll be able to urinate again, and assuming you make it into your elderly years, say, 27, you might even be able to achieve a functioning erection.
In 2007: As with any problem with your manhood these days, it's probably because you have some completely disgusting sexually transmitted disease. Don't even TRY taking a #2, because you might accidently shit out your small intestines and/or kidneys! There are so many fucked up STDs these days it really makes you paranoid when having random sexual relations, because out of nowhere you'll spew bloody chunks of god-knows-what and split your John Thomas in half the next time you're taking a piss. Waiting for the good news? Here it is: none of that shit is even curable, so once you have, it's a life-long lesson that you are punished several times a day for. That of course is only good news if you enjoy bloody urine and a constantly-swollen urethra.
Arthritis
In 1807: Bending all of the fingers back 180 degree to the joint and snapping them in half. This way, they would be so cracked and mangled that there would be no way they could ever be sore again!
In 2007: Arthritis pains are a thing of the past in the glorious year of 2007. All it requires is several hundred thousand dollars for a twice-daily treatment from an Asian woman! Since everybody spends their work hours and personal hours glued in front of a computer these days instead of GOD FORBID having an actual conversation with another human being, evolution should take care of arthritis. Just another evolutionary step that will eventually lead us to being blobs of garbage on the floor.
Depression
In 1807: The person would be beaten with a hose, syringes would be injected into the spinal cord, and then the person would be prescribed heroin.
In 2007: Quickly, the user would be prescribed Xanax, labeled as having split personalities with a pinch of schizophrenia. Then, they would be brought into a mental institution and thrown in a locker in the morgue to rot.
Down Syndrome
In 1807: Taken out to the barn and shot in the face with a hunting rifle.
In 2007: No medication—but they got their own Olympics. And Chris Burke made a career out of it.
As you can see, not too much has changed in the past 200 years as far as pharmaceuticals are concerned. We are still mentally retarded in every sense of the word. We over-prescribe ridiculously powerful drugs that fuck with your mind, and doctors make a six figure career out of it.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go cure my cold with 3000 milligrams of percosets ground up and injected directly into my heart and self-abuse with piano wire.
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-10-26 20:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ATTENTION ALL PLANETS OF THE SOLAR FEDERATION
ATTENTION ALL PLANETS OF THE SOLAR FEDERATION
ATTENTION ALL PLANETS OF THE SOLAR FEDERATION
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-26 09:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-26 09:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well played. I love your screen name too.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-10-26 08:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I too am a believer that beer and scotch will do wonders for whatever ails... the idea is to pour enough alcohal in that it kills whatever infection is in residence.
~Brdn_Nkd
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-10-26 08:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahaha I love these. More please, I'm too lazy to look this shit up, and believe everything I read on Uber.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-10-26 03:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You studying this?
Cool post
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-25 21:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-25 18:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you're interested, do a little digging on the experiments the Nazis did and how it did advance knowledge in some areas of medical science.
It makes for interesting ethical debates.
http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Judaism/naziexp.html
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The japs did tests also, one that I can recall is where they tried to determine the feasibility of using saltwater as saline solution in a combat situation, I think they tested these on American POW's, wiki it though, Unit something or other, or look under Japanese War Crimes.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-10-25 18:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yay Percocet and Heroin!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-25 18:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you're interested, do a little digging on the experiments the Nazis did and how it did advance knowledge in some areas of medical science.
It makes for interesting ethical debates.
http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Judaism/naziexp.html
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-10-25 18:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cool. did you write that yourself?
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-10-25 18:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heat.
I'm in heat.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heat
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
wow! i just caught a...below
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.500
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes sir.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Listen to your mother.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.50
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've been trying to rate more honestly. Still find it hard to rate negatively, though. Mom says I'm a pussy.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What's with the 1.5 Lungfish?
That fucking pinpoint rating shit irritates the hell out of me.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
By the way, I saw you play in 1983. Dayton. You were awesome.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
At least we're using leeches again.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-25 17:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It is my belief that beer and whiskey cure everything. Except cirrhosis of the liver, I guess.
Um, and pancreatitis.
Diabetes.
Well, most everything.