Uberliar Round 2 (Warning: Not Short) (622 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.53 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ChaosJester (View user info) at 2007-10-29 07:26:14 EDT
Well, crap. I sort of blew my load on the last Uber-liar post in the hopes that I'd get trashed by the competition. Not sure what I can come up with for this one, but let's see what I've got...
As usual, please indicate which story is truf and which ain't.
Story the First:
This tale takes place in Thailand, back when I was still in the Army. At the time, my unit had just finished a mission and everyone involved got to spend a couple days in the village of Pattaya for some Rest & Relaxation. For those of you who've never been there, allow me to fill in a few salient details. Pattaya is a quaint little place on the coast of Thailand that caters almost exclusively to rich, foreign tourists. Take it from me, if you're male and you have a choice, go to Pattaya instead of Bangkok. It's cheaper, the chicas are much nicer and you are far less likely to wind up robbed and stabbed in some crumbling alleyway. Of course, I say that yet I managed to get robbed anyway (but that's a story for a different day. Still, I must admit that, if I had to have valuables stolen from me, it would be difficult to think of a more pleasant way than what actually happened).
Anyway, so it's the last night we had in Pattaya and everyone is out having a good time. I'm with a couple other soldiers (because you *never* go out on your own in places like this) and we're drinking like there's no tomorrow. Now, earlier that night, we'd convinced one of our less boisterous brethren to come out with us. Let's call him 'Bob'. Bob wasn't a very good looking fellow (he had train-track braces, an exceedingly passive disposition and a rather dull, glazed look to him even at the best of times), and he was more than a bit of a shut-in. Still, after almost an hour of cajoling (I mean, it's *Thailand*, for god's sake), he agreed to go out drinking with us.
So, like I said, everyone's getting shit-faced. I vaguely remember pelting some hapless Thai chicas with Ping-Pong balls as they wrestled in vegetable oil. Good times. Unfortunately though, Bob isn't enjoying himself. The whole night, he's been quietly drinking at an out-of-the-way table while the rest of us are doing some truly epic partying. Three-quarters of the way through the night, I look over at Bob in his sad little corner, only to find that he's made some new friends.
Immediately, my danger-sense began to tingle. The two hombres that had sidled up to Bob looked...unpleasant. One was Caucasian and the other was Thai, but they were both grizzled and creepy-looking. Still, Bob (who rarely drank and was completely wasted by now) was obviously quite happy to have the company. I eventually managed to gain the attention of my comrades and, after a quick, slurred debate, we decided that it would be best for us to visit another bar, if only to get Bob away from his icky new 'friends'.
When we told Bob that it was time to go, he reacted...unpleasantly. It seemed that he'd gotten rather attached to his recent acquaintances and simply did not want to leave their presence. Our requests turned to demands and drunken drama ensued. The long and the short of the matter was that Bob ran off into the night, presumably to rejoin his newfound companions. Whatever. Being exceedingly drunk, we didn't think about it much after the fact; once everything clamed down again, we continued our quest for alcohol-soaked entertainment...which we succeeded in.
So, the next morning (or more accurately, early afternoon), everybody musters up in the lobby of the hotel we've been staying at for the Accountability Formation. Everyone staggers in except, of course, Bob. An hour or so goes by and our Company Commander starts going nuts with visions of the shit storm that will ensue once his superiors discover that he managed to lose one of his Joes. Inevitably, we all have to go look for Bob.
Three hours later, we've pretty much been over the entire bar/club district of Pattaya, with no success. Still, there was one area that we had avoided like the plague. It's called 'Boys Town' and was exactly what the name implies. In Pattaya, I discovered that few things will kill a buzz faster than watching some fat, middle-aged Australian/British/German tourist walking toward some unknown destination with a prepubescent boy in tow. This sight was entirely too common. Ugh.
At any rate, like I said, Boys Town was the only place we hadn't been yet, so, as a group, we ventured forth. I will not recount what I saw there; let it be enough to say that, even in daylight, much of went on still makes me ill to think about.
Sure enough, we eventually found Bob stuffed behind some dumpsters in a random alleyway. Bob was completely unconscious, with his ass sticking up in the air and his trousers about his ankles. Figuring that Bob had had enough unpleasant experiences for one day, we gently picked him up, refastened his clothes, then carried him back to the hotel. When we got back Home, Bob went through just about every medical test for STDs known to man but, fortunately for him, he came up clean. Still, Bob was never quite the same after that.
The moral of the story is to never, ever leave the group when you're in a strange place.
Story the Last:
I've already mentioned in an earlier post (http://www.ubersite.com/m/100547) that I took a mini-Holiday to Prague a while back. Well, there is one part of the story that I neglected to mention, mostly 'cause I felt pretty stupid, not to mention lucky, after it was over.
Again, as I mentioned in that earlier post, I was traveling with two other jokers back then called John and Alex. John was a young, reckless fool and Alex was an older fellow who had about as much foreign travel as I did (plus, he spoke Chinese. How cool is that?). When we first got to Prague at around nineish at night, Alex, having drove almost the entire eight hours it took to get there, just wanted to crash at the hotel. John and I, however, wanted to celebrate a bit, so we wandered about the streets of Prague.
Now, we were pretty tired too, so we didn't want to go far. Fortunately (I suppose) there was a bar only a couple streets away from our hotel. I remember feeling a bit uncomfortable when I noticed that the only thing identifying this establishment was a neon-red sign the said 'Bar' with a heart around it. As a side note, do not *ever* go into a place like that in Eastern Europe/Russia. Bad, bad, BAD fucking idea.
So, we walk through the doorway, only to discover that we're now in a corridor that continues down, like, three flights of stairs. After passing between two giant bouncers who look like they could pinch my head off with zero effort, we get to the actual 'bar', which was, of course, a thinly disguised brothel. Whatever. I've been there, done that, got the scars AND the T-shirt, so I order a drink and head to the bathroom while John settles in with three pleasant-looking (if hookerish) Czech chicas fawning over him.
Now, John isn't as worldly as I am, and this sort of thing was all very exciting for him, so I suppose I can understand why he thought this next bit was a good idea. Doesn't mean I have to like it, though. John decided that we needed a 'cover story' for some reason, and he told these girls (who were most likely working for some low- to mid- level Czech crime boss) that I was the son of a wealthy American Mob family and he was my 'bodyguard'. The first I hear of this is when one of the girls sits by me after I return from the bathroom and asks me if it's true that my family's in the "Waste management" business.
At this point, I could either flat-out deny this (which would probably do more to convince these girls that I was, in fact, 'connected'), agree whole-heartedly (which would probably make them think that we were wannabees who could relatively easily be shaken down for some quick cash), or pretend to be disinterested in the whole bit (which might give someone pause long enough for us to get away without being violently molested in some fashion). I chose door number three and got John out of that place as soon as I could while still maintaining an air of lazy confidence. Later that night, me and John had a rather excited discussion on what was and was not an acceptable story to tell strangers.
Unfortunately, the story doesn't end there. The last night we were in Prague, our merry band stumbled upon this really neat underground strip-joint/dance club under a rather ritzy hotel. It'd been far too long since I'd graced my eyes with pretty, naked womanflesh, so I was in no hurry to leave. As John had had his famous one-night stand the previous night, he wasn't all that entranced by the show and Alex just wanted to see more of Prague's night-life before we went home. So, my two erstwhile companions started talking with some affable Brits and off they went, leaving me in the strip-club.
Another side note: If you ever happen to find yourself in a foreign country where your dollar goes farther than you're used to, try not to get too carried away when buying drinks for people in bars. Not because you may be spending more money than you thought you were (although you might be), but because the goodwill thusly bought can backfire most curiously. In this case, after I'd been hanging around the place for a few hours, the bartenders, waitresses, dancers and me all started taking shots of some native Czech liquor that I can't for the life of me pronounce, but could probably set aflame with harsh language. Bottom-line, everyone in the place was stone-drunk by 2 A.M and good times were being had by all. One of the more interesting things to happen was that the more intoxicated the strippers got, the more they, uh, got friendly with each other. Booze is fun.
Right about the time when I'm muzzily thinking that it's a good time to call it a night, someone taps me on the shoulder. Low and Behold, it's one of the girls from the first 'bar' we went to a couple days back. Initially, I don't think much of this 'cause, well, I'm four sheets to the wind and she smells good. She practically drags me to the dance floor and I start convulsing in a slightly rhythmic fashion. Eventually, it percolates through my foggy mind that Ol' girl is leaving the dance floor pretty often. The next time she does this, I watch as she walks over to three *big* guys who are giving me the hairy eyeball.
Uh-oh.
I'm not too bright sometimes, but even I couldn't miss this. Item 1: Ol' girl thinks my family has lots and lots of money. Item 2: I'm all by myself in a strange city far from my home turf. Item 3: It's late enough that no one is around outside (the cops are all armed with automatic weapons and full body armor; they also never venture away from the larger and more wealthy parts of the city...where I was most definitely not). All this added up to something that didn't look good for me. Therefore, I bolt. Or, at least, I try to.
Remember when I said that this place was underground? Well, It's also shaped like a gopher warren, with lots of random rooms and corridors that lead nowhere. After scrambling around for ten or fifteen minutes, I find myself in some storage room with no idea of how to get to the exit. Drunken panic is not too far away at this point. Still, I take a deep breath and concentrate. After that, it didn't take me too long to figure out how to get out of the place.
Unfortunately, the story continues. As I stumble outside, I see a line of taxi cabs. Joy! I go up to one and tell him the address of my hotel. The bastard says that it will cost roughly four times what it should have so I tell him to fuck off. For whatever reason, I decide that it's a better idea to try to walk to the hotel through some pretty bad neighborhoods than to pay the asshole taxi driver.
So I start walking. Pretty soon, I realize that those same three dudes are following me at a 'discreet' distance. One thing about Prague, the alleys are barely big enough for one small car to pass through. This makes them ideal for quiet little ambushes, such as was about to befall me. I decide that I'm not about to get clubbed in the back of the head while attempting to flee, so I find a convenient recessed doorway where the fuckers can't flank me, then stop, waiting for them.
The would-be kidnappers pause for a moment, as if surprised, then they move forward. I'm starting to think that's it's been a pretty cool life I've lived and that if I need to go out, then I'd rather go out with a bang, so this isn't all bad, right? Suddenly, these four random, Guido-lookin' dump-trucks disguised as men wander around the corner, laughing uproariously and the three fuckers about to rip me a new one freeze. Never being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I start running like the devil Herself was on my heels and, somehow, manage to lose my pursuers. The rest of the way to the hotel was uneventful, but I was so keyed up from the adrenaline that I didn't fall asleep until daybreak.
User Reviews
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-10-30 05:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Any Texans beat the fuck outta you lately? No? I'd be happy to oblige....
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-10-30 04:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-30 02:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
thanks for sharing, be sure and keep me updated the next time you fart.
----------------
Hi ya bald head faggot!
I just farted!
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2007-10-30 00:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2007-10-30 00:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU ARE SO QUICK
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-29 17:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1) Falso
2) Cierto
#1 sounded too much like a military FNG story, one told to keep people together when the go off base for asshattery.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2=true.
~Brdn_Nkd
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-29 12:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 - Vrai
2 - Faux
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ack...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112785 <---shameLESS linkwhore. I think I'll linkwhore to all of your posts from here on out.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 - False
2 - True
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*incoherrent babble*
*******************************
Um...what?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
vote true for #1
running drunk and actually having it not end in your head hitting a wall or the ground is just too unbelievable.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*incoherrent babble*
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-29 08:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yep, well written. I'm going to guess the first one is true.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 - T
2 - F
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-29 09:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is difficult...did you reference another post to make it "seem" like the story was true...or did you do that to just trip us up more. I'm going with 1-True and 2-False.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-10-29 08:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. F
2. T
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-29 08:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn. My rationale for picking the second story on the other one was that it was more likely that you had a friend or you saw somebody bleeding all over himself during pt.
but then again, you would have written about a near death experience like that before, wouldnt you? ah, who knows. You play this game well.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-29 08:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See i got that one right too :)
Arent I ace CJ!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-29 08:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, yeah...
The first story was the true one in Uberliar Round 1.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-29 08:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yep, well written. I'm going to guess the first one is true.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-29 08:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, crap. I sort of blew my load on the last Uber-liar post in the hopes that I'd get trashed by the competition. Not sure what I can come up with for this one, but let's see what I've got...
--
that part is false. i mean, if we're keeping track of things like that.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-29 08:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well written.
1- True
2- False
The only noticable difference I could tell was your referencing in the second story almost as though you were trying to convince yourself it happened and giving reasons.
But thats all I have to go on.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 07:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh, sorry. +1 because I'm an idiot and forgot to vote.
1 - f
2 - t
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 07:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-1 for "Story the First" and for "Story the Last." Anyone that says things like this are either little green men with special powers or retarded. I'm going with the latter. Also, if there is only two why use "last." Last is something you use after an extensive list.
-1 for the stupid picture, with the stupid font we already told sucks, and for trying the lolcat speak. I swear I hate this place sometimes. If you want to join the likes and ranks of habeeb then go put a helmet on and ride the short yellow bus.
</endrant>
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-29 07:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I should have just made shit up to beat you. College < Army as far as interesting stories go. Some day...