There are reasons why you should not have any friends. (991 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.61 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (View user info) at 2007-10-29 09:53:33 EDT
It's 11:00pm in the boarding house. I'm playing Tekken Tag against Jun, shedding wads of skin off my thumbs. Have you ever played Tekken against an Asian? Let me tell you, it's like trying to win a "Blowing yourself up" competition against a Palestinian- the shit is in their blood and you need to be pretty unusually skilled to get one over them.
So i've spent most of my final year of school practicing TTT and i'm getting better (while my exam results slowly get worse, go figure) and now i'm on random while he CONSTANTLY chooses Jin, but i'm still winning the overall contests.
Note: Fuckin Koreans always play with the same guy. It's a law, like how they can play Dance Dance Revolution in the arcades as soon as they cut the umbilical cord. Sooner even, I once saw some chick give birth straight onto the dance pad. The foetus got all "Perfect" on a 6 foot difficulty before they'd even swept away the placenta. Fuckin' Koreans, i love em.
So anyway we're settled down and tapping away with the usual friendly Aussie banter over the top;
"FUCK OFF CUNT! I fuckin got you then, man. This fuckin PS2 hates me. It always make your hits go first even though we press the button at the same time... FUCKIN CUNT! WHAT THE SLUT? I FUCKIN DUCKED! CUNT!"
"Haha, Loops, you fuckin shit man. You gotta practice more, useless cunt aah." (Yeh Australia's a great place to learn English, i think the average exchange student here expands their vocabulary by about one word, beginning with C...)
Just then, three of my buddies burst in the door. Not friends from the boarding house, these guys just live in the area.
"Aww, sweet, Tekken. Anyway, dude, do you have any money?" one of them asks.
"Why d'you want money at 11.15 man?" I ask, eyes still locked on the screen.
"Aww we're gonna head down to the bottle'O and grab a couple a passion pops"
(Translation: We intend to toddle down to the Purveyor of Finest Liquours to acquaint ourselves with a fine (Read: $1 per bottle) carafe of vino...)
"It is even open? Anyway, naah dudes i don't have any. And how can you drink passion pop? I wouldn't clean my engine with that shit? Have you guys been drinkin' already?" i ask
"Nah, Loops man, it's cool... we just had a few beers at the Rugby. Later, OK."
And with that they bustle out the door...
At 11.45pm, a few games later. Two bells ring through the corridors. Their meaning? All students must assemble in the Common Room. On a school night, this is pretty unusual.
"Oooooh fuck," I explete, portentously, "What's happened now?"
We take our seats as our Head teacher stands like a stone robot out the front of the room, glaring at the various little shits (us) swirling in front of him like that last little turd that refuses to flush.
"Who invited Sam Reynolds into the boarding house?" he growls
-Silence-
"WHO. INVITED. SAM. FUCKING. REYNOLDS. IN. TO. THE. BOARDING. HOUSE?" he hisses, THAT vein throbbing away on his forehead like a wire on a time bomb, which it almost is.
-Silence Again-
"Well, sir..." i mumble,
"What is it Lupin?" he spits, turning to me with a slightly deranged grin and the cheerful look of a home abortionist as he yanks out the coat hanger.
"Well, sir, i didn't invite them in. But they did come into my room, sir. Just for about 5 minutes, sir, but..."
"That's enough Lupin," he says, smiling, "You can clean it up then. Everyone else, back to bed NOW!"
Clean what up? What the fuck is going on? It's midnight already, I wanna go to bed. What's going on?
The head teacher hands me a large trash can, a mop, and a huge jug of detergent and leads me up to the top floor. Then i see it...
Imagine 2 large Chicken Supreme pizzas, ground into a paste before being bathed in stomach acid and spread liberally across a corridor 6 feet wide and 20 feet long. That's what i was staring at.
"Your drunken FRIEND," hisses the Head, "decided he couldn't reach the bathroom. I want this crap cleaned up by morning."
He stalks away. I look at my watch. 12:15am. Fuck, its gonna be a long night.
As i start the first stage of the cleanup process (Putting the biggest chunks of semi-digested chicken into the bag), the physical incomprehensibility of my friemd's act starts to dawn on me. Not only is the floor coated almost evenly in a thin layer, but chunks (Chunks!) of chicken cover the walls, in some places even higher that eye level!
How the fuck did this guy coat such a wide area so evenly, and with so much fluid? Now, he was big, over 200 pounds and he HAD just eaten two family size pizzas, but this was ridiculous. How did he achieve this "splatter pattern"? What was he doing? Spinning on a mobile ladder?
Well, the night wears on and i slowly go through the various stages of cleanup (much like cleaners do at a crime scene, i suppose). At various intervals throughout the night, my friends come up and tell me how nasty the job looks but (being such great friends) none offer to help.
To tell the truth, after a while i DO get desensitised to the smell (aided somewhat by two deodorant soaked tissues plugging my nose) but a bitter taste gets onto my tongue that doesn't leave for days.
I finally give the carpet a last run of hot water at 2:30am. I put my clothes in a barrel of hot soapy water and go to bed. Trying to erase the last 2 hours by jerking off to hentai, i fail miserably. But it's hopeless, not even Lulu and Yuna can help me now...
The next day, I see the guy across the schoolyard... And you know what I do?
Nothing. After all, this guy's WAY bigger than me.
Anyway, it turns into one of "those memories" that you can actually cherish with hindsight, even if it was hellish to endure.
And i got him back (and used my credit with him to save my sorry ass) when I barfed all over his sister during foreplay, but that is a story for another time...
______
And finally, a picture of my new tattoo, because attaching a pop culture reference to your body for the rest of your life is original and rebellious. And massive thanks to Monty (Godchicken) for hooking me up with the design i wanted. Hooray!
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-08 13:37:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hobbes +2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-11-08 13:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
avg tat
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-30 19:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never before considered how I'd spell "bottle'O." I guess that works.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-10-30 18:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
business idea alert: upskirt webcam built into the floor of those dance machines
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-30 18:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story. Never had that bad of a job to cleanup, though I worked at a Wal-mart once, where I had to clean up the diahreah someone had SPRAYED all over one of the stalls. I still don't understand how they got it so high up on the wall.
It really sucked, and there is no good story behind it.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2007-10-30 11:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's 11:00pm in the boarding house. I'm playing Tekken Tag against Jun, shedding wads of skin off my thumbs. Have you ever played Tekken against an Asian? Let me tell you, it's like trying to win a "Blowing yourself up" competition against a Palestinian- the shit is in their blood and you need to be pretty unusually skilled to get one over them.
-----------------------------------
let them blow themselves up first. You're the only one left to declare yourself the victor.
Submitted by oscar_dean (user info) at 2007-10-30 09:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sympathize. My significant other became FUBAR and proceeded to regurgitate seafood bisque all onto the floor, walls, and appliances in our kitchen when we came in from a night out on the town. Being intoxicated myself, while trying to clean it all, I somehow lost balance and fell into the orange mess. The thirty seconds I wiggled around trying to erect myself again seemed like eternity when you have vomit covering your hands, back, and other limbs.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-29 17:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once got fired from a job because I would not clean up a vomit apocalypse.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-29 17:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate the term 'bottle'o' - it sounds so australian, thus making it annoying.
I puked on my mates bare feet a few times.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-29 17:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too sickly at the moment to read the vomit ridden part, but the rest was entertaining enough.
Mostly a Hobbes +2 though.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-29 12:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cool tat
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 12:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay. I'm glad Monty could help you out with his comics :)
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
for the tattoo.
until you stalk and overrun you can't devour anyone.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, but you seriously put that on your body? Not too terrible compared to Butters from South Park and a crucified Christ with a smiley face in place of a head (friend).
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story has a great build up but no climax. This is exactly what happens in real life, which is why I'm giving it a +2.
Also because I love C & H.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, badass tat.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:40:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good tat, average story.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrffffffffffffff
~Brdn_Nkd
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No idea what the hell you're talking about but Calvin & Hobbes rules as Shlongy, too, has a C & H tattoo on his back.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Boarding house? You in one of those private high schools or something?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-10-29 09:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it looks like he is diving for your junk. wtf?
-----
Yeh and if i hitch my pants up it sometimes gives the illusion i'm wearing a thong, but it's always fun finding these things out AFTER they're irreversibly attached to your body.
Nah, i dont care, i fricking love this tat, and some girls go nuts for it too. Literally. Nuts.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
semi funny
nice tat.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-10-29 09:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The foetus got all "Perfect" on a 6 foot difficulty before they'd even swept away the placenta.
-----------------
That alone was a +2
----------------------
I concur. With the sweet tat, it would be a +4. GODDAMN YOU BART!
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2007-10-29 10:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you cleaned that shit up, I woulda just gone to bed, not my problem mate.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-29 09:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting tat choice and location.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-10-29 09:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 shout out.
====
it looks like he is diving for your junk. wtf?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-10-29 09:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The foetus got all "Perfect" on a 6 foot difficulty before they'd even swept away the placenta.
-----------------
That alone was a +2