Lips Too Late (757 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.36 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S.I. Co. Semen (View user info) at 2007-10-29 11:06:30 EDT
It is amazingly cold in here. Seriously, it is fucking frigid to the point that I feel my skin tightening. I'm sure that my toes have frozen over, my fingertips too and if I had any clothes worth a shit I could generate some heat. However, I've been trapped in here for God only knows how long.
Surprisingly, my teeth haven't chattered or clicked together and outside of me just realizing that it's so cold, I'm not really bothered. I guess I came to the conclusion, as a frothy ice started forming on my brow that I was slated to stay for a while. I don't remember checking in, per say, and in fact I don't even know where I'm at.
It's dark; pitch black actually. I can't really move but I know that I'm contained. Perhaps I'm part of some diabolical plan to extort money but I'm not really what one would call wealthy. I only have a few earthly possessions that I would want to take to my grave. One of them is the marble elephant the size of baseball, maybe slightly larger, that was given to me by my grandmother before she passed.
She was one of the nicest ladies on earth, I'm convinced. Whether it was Christmas, a birthday, or just a friendly visit for dinner she always made sure I had the best. Christmas came with two boxes bigger than myself; one for toys and one for clothes. The clothes weren't some shitty rendition of what I would never wear. Nope, these were actually clothes that I would indeed wear happily. Then the stories she would tell. Grandma sure was awesome. And the elephants. She collected elephants.
The marble elephant that she gave me was the last present I ever received from her. Just a mere hours before death she called me to her side via the doctor.
"Hello?"
"Yes, this is Dr. Moyer from the Ruvert Hospital."
"How is she?"
"Sir, we have reason to believe that she'll be leaving soon, but she requested to see you immediately. It was a moment of clarity, sir."
A moment of clarity? What the fuck was that? I guess they were referring to her weakened mental state and aptitude in general. When I got to the hospital, she handed it to me without any words. The elephant was marble, with pewter outlines around it's tusk, toe nails, and trunk. It's eyes were made of Amber. It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. I knew it was old, and yet I never saw it displayed at her house anywhere. An hour or so later, she quietly passed.
And here I am now, cold as a witch's nipple thinking about that ornate marble elephant. Damn, it's dark in here too. Really fucking dark and really fucking cold. I try vigorously to move, but I can't.
Panic has set in. I have no clue where I'm at, I just spent quite some time remembering my grandmother, I'm cold, I can't see, what else could possibly go wrong? I'm retching in my own skin. Yeah, sure, my quarters are close but I'm trying desperately to move but an inch and I can't. My calves and forearms are starting to freeze over I think.
I think about her. Not my grandmother, but the other woman in my life. Her kisses are like crushed velvet, her odor is the grandeur of a wild flower field, her taste is sweet, and her touch makes my skin melt. I could use her touch to help me thaw right now. Just one kiss could save me; I know it.
My eyelids are frozen half shut almost as if I was caught in the middle of waking up. I try to imagine looking down on myself and that's when it hits me. I am looking down on myself. The cloth is nestled neatly around me, the wood stained a beautiful cherry. I'm by myself and nuzzled on my chest, just above my heart is that elephant, my right hand holding it as if I were pledging the allegiance.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-30 13:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No idea how READ became capped there.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-30 13:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-30 06:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Details, do tell.
===
I think casual language is fine, but sometimes things people say don't read well.
"I don't remember checking in, per say, and in fact I don't even know where I'm at."
It's 'per se,' and it should READ "where I am." I read past it the first time, because some people say that, but when I read "I have no clue where I'm at, I just spent quite some time remembering my grandmother.." it bugged me.
Also, "her odor is the grandeur of a wild flower field" is really just terrible. If you're going to mix casual speak and eloquence you may want to be a little more subtle with your imagery there.
There are a few other proofreading details I can't get to, but overall, it's still enjoyable.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-29 23:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked some of this a lot. Needs a really good proofread. Details if you care.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-29 17:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was just ok, however...
If I lowered the rating I'd have something in common with that Jonnyx feller, I'm not willing to let my life slip that far just yet.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-29 16:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:21:50 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's either you or apollo. Nice retaliatory, you little bitch.
-----
it's obviously Apollo, SINCE ITS HIS FUCKING POST.
Glad to see you're just as stupid as when you got banned...yay for us :(
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-29 16:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
uberboard?
?????
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
orphelia get on msn and get my tea :P
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the 'resident asshole'.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahah @ bitcharus. Just drop your little rating and leave. You aren't clever or witty.
Either that or admit that you are a sicosemen hater's legionnaire member. I don't care, I like you guys. But obviously, you had to find some reason that you didn't like this and couldn't come up with something so you copy + pasted some generic quip from somewhere else and attached your ranking. Fancy that you're the only one who didn't like it, eh?
Now, be a real true member and hit this with the -2.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Run-on sentences don't ruin a story; there are published authors, in fact, who have used them to great affect (take Faulkner). There are also published authors who have used words of out of context, fashioned plots that muck about, and tried to pull off the 'abstract artistic' effect to cover up for the fact that they had no notion of how or when to end a story.
Sure, YOUR attempts at fiction tend to incorporate all of these facets of crap writing without bringing anything new or exciting to the table, but does that make them bad? No. It doesn't make them good either.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-29 12:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
trunklike
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back, and well written
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SOX. SO HOT RIGHT NOW. SOX.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I just slide right back into the homosexual innuendo (like the one inserted into this statement{and even this parenthetical clause})?
--
Of course you can me old chum!
This was good.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey did you and drogo swap posts today?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Muddy...proving that it's entirely possible to have 3 halves. My geometry teacher was obviously a stupid ape.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good.
Okay... who wrote it for you?
haha
~Brdn_Nkd
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, you do write and you do it well. Do you find it easier to get a title first or afterwards. I rarely have a clue where my writing will go so I find it easier to find the title afterward. Just curious is all.
_____________________________
It's about 50/50 for me. Just depends I guess...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By buddy, you mean faggot in vitro partner? And your email? send me a shot to sicosemen.at.gmail.com
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hence the Mugging Slug
actually that was a combo, I blame half of that post on the picture, half on Shel Silverstien, and half on the shit my buddy brought over that night.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I tend to find the title or a picture and then write about it
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha @ KK. Dude, I have talent, but rarely use it for this shit heap. I am however, trying to impress bart since he begged me in 3 different emails to come back. You will see from me: 1 part shitty posts, 1 part 'serious writer's forum' post, 1/2 part shenny's, 1/2 part semi talent post.
Also, you do write and you do it well. Do you find it easier to get a title first or afterwards. I rarely have a clue where my writing will go so I find it easier to find the title afterward. Just curious is all.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good.
Okay... who wrote it for you?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-29 11:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that's a big brown eye