Apparently, getting laid is this easy... (1118 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.75 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dirk Slax <lostnphound.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-10-29 13:02:22 EDT
I learned something on Saturday that I am sure was complete bullshit, but funny nonetheless. The band I play with performed at a private party this weekend. Shows like these are unique in many ways. The food and booze are free and you are guaranteed to meet some interesting people. The pay isn't bad either. My only complaint was that it was colder than a well diggers ass and we were to play outside.
At the end of the evening as we were packing up/loading out, a seemingly well-bred young man of fourteen years began asking us general questions about the band. He seemed to be just another awestruck kid feeling cool that he was talking to the band. He peppered his comments with curse words in an attempt to come off as "cool". We played along because it was mildly amusing.
Later, he began spouting off what I can only surmise to be tremendous falsehoods. Apparently, at the tender age of eight, this young buck lost his virginity and has since, "fucked seven bitches". He proceeded to name them off. For a moment I felt like a proud father. But, wait, this isn't my kid...
At this point, I took it upon myself to seek the "guidance" from such a master of "the tang". Far be it from me to take advice from a fourteen year old, but I knew what he had to say was going to garbage and at least amusing.
"Turd, how do you recommend I get me some pussy?"
He said, and I quote, "Alright man, what you've gotta do is ask a girl to come to a nice hotel with you. Something like a Holiday Inn or Ramada. Now, the room has to have a balcony. When you get up there, make some drinks and sit out on the balcony underneath the stars. At some point, tell her how pretty her eyes are. After she has had like fifteen drinks, then take her inside and have sex. Make sure you close the curtains though. I left them open one time and someone video taped me."
It's that easy, apparently. A wise fourteen year old playa told me so. I would not be surprised to find that this little turd is in some way related to, if not the bastard offspring of one of Shlongy's nameless, shameless wonders from yesteryear.
Having learned this, I'll take it for a test drive. Which female Uberusers wants to get a hotel room (with a balcony, of course), sit under the stars, have fifteen drinks and then mate? Don't worry, I'll close the curtains. My camcorder will be hidden somewhere in the room anyways.
User Reviews
Submitted by greeneyedgrl (user info) at 2008-03-24 23:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-30 18:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only real key to his advice is the 15 drinks.
Stiff drinks, stirred with your stiffy, for that little added "umph" that makes her scream out "nuurhhhhh blarf."
Once you hear her say that, you know it's ok to have sex with her.
It's the slores mating call!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-30 02:55:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-29 23:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Turd, how do you recommend I get me some pussy?"
made me smile
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-29 23:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-10-29 21:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what else works? slipping a roofie or 6 into her drink when she looks down at her cell phone for the 900th time to text message with the fucking girl 10 feet away from her on the couch.
When she passes out, you straight up caveman toss her onto your back and walk off to her bedroom to commence mating rituals. After you're done, get up and leave.
==================
Ummmm... this completely lacks any joking quality.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 21:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Grr - ok. Lostnphound responded to my rating with 'brother' so I was correcting him - I'm female
white as anything http://www.ubersite.com/m/111704
--
Sorry!!! I didn't know you were an alter!!! I am still trying to figure all that out! My bad!
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-10-29 21:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what else works? slipping a roofie or 6 into her drink when she looks down at her cell phone for the 900th time to text message with the fucking girl 10 feet away from her on the couch.
When she passes out, you straight up caveman toss her onto your back and walk off to her bedroom to commence mating rituals. After you're done, get up and leave.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-29 20:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA "A nice hotel, like a Holiday Inn or Ramada." The only balcony views from the Ramada around here overlook the airport.
But wait..us chicks dig adventure, and planes remind us of that. And let's not pretend 15 drinks wouldn't a) help or b) knock us unconscious.
Damn..little lothario is onto something.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-10-29 20:03:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
pssh! kids...
you only need an alley and one drink with a roofie.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 19:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What part of VA?
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:47:02 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you like gay man sex...which..is...well...damn.
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pffft, straight sex is for poofs!
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Grr - ok. Lostnphound responded to my rating with 'brother' so I was correcting him - I'm female
white as anything http://www.ubersite.com/m/111704
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
erm - I'm a 'sister'
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you a lesbian beat_raven?
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:34:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nope, straight as can be
***********************************
Oh, so you're a black lesbian? I'm confused.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 17:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-29 17:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You shouldn't make fun of him, wouldn't want to alienate your awesome band's fan base of fourteen year olds at house parties.
--
My name is haikumikoo and I take a dump on life.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-10-29 17:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You shouldn't make fun of him, wouldn't want to alienate your awesome band's fan base of fourteen year olds at house parties.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-10-29 16:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
waking up in random hotel rooms....not fun.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-29 16:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't tell me that this kid was smoking Marlboro's and swilling scotch, too...I'll kill him.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 16:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Virginia?
I thought we had that one aborted.
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You should have. This kid was a tool. It's never too late for murder.
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We prefer the term "partial life abortion."
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Yeah. It sounds better that way.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 16:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hahaha hadley.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Virginia?
I thought we had that one aborted.
--
You should have. This kid was a tool. It's never too late for murder.
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We prefer the term "partial life abortion."
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yep, that's Shlongy Junior, alright.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Virginia?
I thought we had that one aborted.
--
You should have. This kid was a tool. It's never too late for murder. We can just make him go away.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Virginia?
I thought we had that one aborted.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh sorry
*disappointed*
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:34:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nope, straight as can be
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you a lesbian beat_raven?
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
erm - I'm a 'sister'
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
IF ONLY I KNEW THIS!!!
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That's what I'm SCREAMIN!
Take this knowledge and go forth, brother. May the pussy be with you. Or cock, whatever you prefer.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 15:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
IF ONLY I KNEW THIS!!!
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Throw Seth into the mix and I'm game!
Hehe
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Deal! He'll videotape.
If you want to scrump him, well, then he's going to have to be ok with sloppy seconds.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Throw Seth into the mix and I'm game!
Hehe
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Alright man, what you've gotta do is ask a girl to come to a nice hotel with you. Something like a Holiday Inn or Ramada. Now, the room has to have a balcony. When you get up there, make some drinks and sit out on the balcony underneath the stars. At some point, tell her how pretty her eyes are. After she has had like fifteen drinks, then take her inside and have sex. Make sure you close the curtains though. I left them open one time and someone video taped me."
Kid's a goddam Casanova.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ALRIGHT...WHERE DID THIS MEETING WITH THIS LITTLE SHIT TAKE PLACE.
I MAY HAVE TO KICK HIS MOTHER'S ASS...AGAIN.
==
Virginia, friend. You certainly know how to spread the Shlongy seed.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
| If you like gay man sex...which..is...well...damn.
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V
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
15 drinks? If you add a Mars bar into the deal, I'm yours! I'll even wear a skirt if it helps.
Here's to us,
Stone.
xxx
--
You got it!
Sweet! It IS that easy. Who knew???
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Actually, his technique is pretty sophisticated for a 14 year old. He's like, six years ahead of the learning curve, there.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-29 14:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ALRIGHT...WHERE DID THIS MEETING WITH THIS LITTLE SHIT TAKE PLACE.
I MAY HAVE TO KICK HIS MOTHER'S ASS...AGAIN.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck is this shit. Change your name to mine and women throw themselves at you.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I tried it out, but as luck would have it I messed up and I was the one who had fifteen drinks.
I woke up with no money and a small family of squirrels in my ass.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i thought that's how everyone did it?
What?
~Brdn_Nkd
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
15 drinks? If you add a Mars bar into the deal, I'm yours! I'll even wear a skirt if it helps.
Here's to us,
Stone.
xxx
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting laid is easy if you're a member of the 2007 World Champion Boston Red Sox.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:18:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When you get up there, make some drinks and sit out on the balcony underneath the stars. At some point, tell her how pretty her eyes are. After she has had like fifteen drinks, then take her inside and have sex. Make sure you close the curtains though. I left them open one time and someone video taped me.
How does that not work?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:15:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
or him
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Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not too easy for him
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Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
women like sex too
if you are nice them
they'll have it with you
dig
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-29 13:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
obviously