The Sword of Gthnackt: The Blasted Lands Saga (I) (586 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.18 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2007-10-29 18:45:25 EDT
(THIS is how you write fantasy you losers! HA! HA!)
Tudley was the son of a poor dique-meat farmer (diques are smallish hairless mammals imported from the coastal regions of the Sea of Waq to inland communities along the Boanstroaking River. They are kept tethered in submerged pens in the river where they feed on tadpoles and furliefurls until they reach maturity and they are brained with a diquebrain stick) who longed to be a sorcerer's appurtenance but neither he nor his father could afford pay the outrageous fees charged by Edwin Twosacks or Swallowballocks the Elder, the only two wizards in the region willing to share any of the age-old secrets of sorcery and magic.
It was in his sixteenth year in the summer known as the Summer of Swollen Puds (when the pud stalks in the grain fields grew to record size) that Tudley was walking back from the green meadows under the towering heights of Mount Hur-Raw and encountered the wizened old man named Dashart who would change Tudley's destiny forever.
On the path to his home Tudley saw the old man. The old man was wearing a brown robe and his face was hidden in the darkness of the cowl. The old man had one hand inside the folds of his robe below his belt and his hand was jerking up and down.
"Dare ye play with me, BOY?" the old man called. He removed his hand from his robe and displayed a cup for rolling dice. He was shaking the cup.
"I am a bored sorcerer," the old man said. "If you can best me at a game of rolls I will share my secrets with you for I am old and have no apprentice."
How convenient, Tudley thought. "Yes, I will play," he said.
THINGS TO DO THURSDAY
PICKUP UNIFORM FROM DRY CLEANERS DO NOT PAY IF THE MUSTARD STAIN IS STILL THERE
HAND IN APPLICATION FOR ASSISTANT MANAGER OF CUSTOMER SERVICE TO ELECTRONICS BARN
SEE THE GUYS ABOUT WATCHING THAT GILLIGAN'S ISLAND MARATHON ON USA NETWORK ON SUNDAY
GO TO STORE AND PHARMACY AND GET
CHIPS (RIPPLE)
SODA
THOSE TINY PECAN PIES
ASPIRIN
SOME KIND OF CREAM FOR THAT DEEP FRYER BURN AND REMEMBER TO GET CREAM AND NOT OINTMENT BECAUSE GREASY OINTMENT WILL SOAK THROUGH YOUR UNDERWEAR AND PANTS CROTCH AND BE VISIBLE AND THAT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING AND CREAM WILL NOT DO THAT
The old man rolled the dice onto the road.
"Khunt!" the old man cried when the ancient God of the deep crevasses of the Lower Lands and Patron of the Abysmal Warriors refused to favor him with a good roll of the dice.
Tudley took the dice cup and rolled the dice. "It looks like luck is with me today," he said.
The old man grimaced and then took Tudley's hands in his. "It appears I have an apprentice," he said.
"I am Tudley," he said.
The old man nodded. "I am Faliss. Come, boy. We have much to discuss."
Just then there was a thundering of hooves on the path and a party of Urg Horsemen burst into view. They were screaming and swinging their sickles and scythes. The Urg were head collectors.
Faliss reached into his robe and took out an enchanted lode stone.
Tudley had only heard about lode stones in stories. If you rubbed or blew upon or squeezed a lode in just the right way you could release tremendous power.
Faliss held up the stone on his open palm. He began blowing on the stone, blowing in the direction of the Urg Horsemen. Something within the dark stone sparkled with purple flashes.
"I'm not as strong as I used to be," Faliss said, gasping for breath. "You need to help me."
Tudley had to force himself not to run. He could smell the clotted blood and rotten guts smeared on the garments of the Urg. "What do you need?"
"Give me your breath," the old wizard said, as he blew on the stone again. "Quickly, boy! Help my blow my lode!"
(To be continued!)
(See the map of The Blasted Lands below)
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-30 19:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 for ripple chips.
Unless they're sunchips, which are somewhat ripplish, because they're great.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-10-30 13:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed a bit
not quite like the Hustler version of The Grinch
but ok
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-29 22:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:D
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-29 22:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor bastard friend of mine had a Summer of the Swollen Pud after a hernia.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-29 22:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm the King of ADD right now, kk. I have about ten short tales in the works but nothing ready for posting.
And I was bored. Very bored.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-29 21:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh... what the hell happened here???
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-29 20:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-29 19:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suspected peener at dique meat, and definitely got it by the second dick reference, but what the hell, people laugh at dick jokes for a reason.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-29 19:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-29 19:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was confused by this.
then I realized what it was after the second dick reference that this was just a long drawn out dick joke.
-------------
I wasn't confused; I was reading it as straight-up fantasy until I got to "Sea of Waq". Nobody could seriously write "Sea of Waq".
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-29 19:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't think that's a word.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-10-29 19:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored or not it is funny
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-29 19:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was confused by this.
then I realized what it was after the second dick reference that this was just a long drawn out dick joke.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-29 19:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this but I find myself liking you more and more as time goes by. Don't get that confused with "I like you," cum churner.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brained with a diquebrain stick
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the picture makes it
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! They just plain
sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch
of sucks that ever sucked!
-- Homer Simpson
Team Homer
Jesus Christ this is bad.
"Quickly, boy! Help my blow my lode!"
Unbelievable.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 very thinly veiled
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I apologise for this post. I am really, really bored.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-29 18:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is suposed to be the map I made in mspaint I picked the wrong fucing file!!!!