"Whats on TV" movie reviews. (599 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.31 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by PoisonYourKids (View user info) at 2007-10-30 23:26:44 EDT
I'm stupid because I pay for movie channels. This is what was on today and my review based on watching it for like, 5 minutes.
HBO- Always (1989) Okay, heres what I got so far, John Goodman is yelling and swearing in the cockpit of an airplane. Hahaha, this is already shaping up to be pretty good. His engine is on fire. I guess he is a fighter pilot or something, but hes pretty bummed out about his engine fire. Richard Dreyfuss is flying around and doing some shit too, flying through fire mostly. I still have no idea what this is all about, lets check the Direct TV guide description. "A firefighter pilot in heaven returns to earHOLY SHIT DREYFUSS JUST EXPLODED!!! This movie is way too intense for me... lets check HBO2.
HBO2- THIN (2006) Okay, I've seen this one. Its about bulemic chicks. Right now some broad is scrubbing her toilet, presumably cause she just puked in it. Gross. I don't want to watch too much of this, its depressing, heres what I can remember though. Some broads throw up alot, and they go to summer camp to stop puking and then Bill Murray befriends the loneliest one while sexy hijinks ensue all around them, and then they beat the camp from across the lake in some kind of camp olympics. Wait. That was "Meatballs" and I just crossed it into a bulemia summercamp movie. Whatever, I would totally watch that.
HBOS- Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005) What the fuck... Remember when Steve Martin was funny and did movies like "3 Amigos" and "The Jerk"? That was pretty cool. That has nothing to do with this movie though. This movie is fucking stupid. I haven't even watched it yet and I know it sucks. You know how I can tell? It's got Eugene Levy. Lets take a look at the rest of this allstar cast. We got Levy and Martin... Hillary Duff? What the fuck? I dont know. Okay, we got Piper Perabo. HAHA. I saw that chicks boobs. They were okay. I think shes wicked preggers in this though... once again... gross. Oh, and theres some other people too I think... Presumably at least a dozen.
HBO2W- Everything is Illuminated (2005) Elija Wood travels to Russia to remind us of how depressing life can be. It's okay though, 'cause he wears funny glasses. There is a dog wearing a T shirt too though, so I mean, thats alright. Everyone loves when dogs wear clothes. I remember this one time I saw a dog wearing socks and it could hardly walk around. OR SOMETIMES, we put sunglasses on my friends dogs ass cause it has a short stubby tail and his ass looks EXACTLY like Richard Nixon. So uh... maybe this movie isn't so bad after all. I'm not gonna stick around to find out though, I need to take a break and google pictures of dogs wearing clothes.
HBOF- Whitewash (1994) Okay, I'm back andOH GOD. I remember I saw this movie when I was like 10 and staying at a Holliday Inn in Wisconsin or something. This is a real heart-warming story about a black girl who gets painted white because people are racist or something like that. The opening theme song is amazing. It's pretty much a bunch of kids yelling "WHITEWASH" over an early 90's hip hop beat while some guy in the background says edgy things like "WHAT UP G" and "YEAH YEAH"... you know, stuff that the youth can identify with. This movie is super depressing. Now there is some guy walking down the street listening to shitty hip hop and sorta dancing or something like that. Hes talking about getting off. This movie is fucked. The basic Premise is this, a bunch of racists accost some helpless black kids. But what really makes it special is the fact that the racists aren't just white guys, theyre 1950's greasers. I'm not kidding. Greasers. Complete with black leather jackets with like "T BIRDS" on the back or something along those lines. I gotta change the channel, this is too much.
HBOFW- The Goonies (1985) Okay, now thats what I'm talkin about. I don't really need to get into the plot of this one, but if you were born under a rock or in a basement, and still have yet to emerge because you have AssBurgers Syndrome, I'll sum it up for you, you anti-social lump. Goonies is about some kids who go look for treasure to save their town from some rich asshole whos kid is named "Brent" or "Blaine" or some other rich kid name. It's a group of young boys mostly, with their big brother and 2 girls, one of whom I would totally bang and the other of whom I MIGHT bang, if I was at least a little drunk. They get chased by innept psuedo-Italian mobsters and their mother, who is pretty much the highlight of the movie. Oh yeah, and along the way they befriend the lovable yet deformed retard brother of the two mobsters. All's well that ends well and of COURSE they save the town. Did you ever have any doubt that they would? You're a fuckin downer man...
ALRIGHT, now we're into the Showtimes and all those other weird channels, this is where I usually get bored of doing this or find something else to do like jerk off left handed. I'll suffer my way through these channels for as long as I can. I do this for you.
SHO- Loverboy (2005) Alright, so some lady is screaming at some kid and his name is Loverboy, or thats what she's calling him. This movie is fuckin bizzarre already. It's got Kyra Sedgwick, whoever the hell that is. Theres a number of broads on screen right now and I don't know which one she is. I'll go out on a limb and say shes the hysterical bitch ranting about how smart her kid is. Kevin Bacon is in this too apparently, but I have yet to see any Bacon at all. This hysterical bitch is really too much, I cant take this one anymore. Sorry guys. Not a chance. She's seeing visions now and stuff. I'm outa here.
SHO2- The Century Plaza (2005) Remember when I said that "Whitewash" was depressing? Well lemme' tell you, this movie will make you want to kill yourself. This movie is a documentary about a run down hotel in Portland Oregon where a bunch of people who are at about rock bottom stay to live out the rest of their more or less dead end lives. I gotta change the channel again, this is prolly what people watch before they bleed out in a warm bathtub. UGH... I cant even make fun of it. I'd feel too bad. Actually there is one guy who yells alot. Hes pretty funny. And the spanish maid is pretty good, she just says that everyone is lazy and thats why they are there. Shes prolly right. Depressing regardless though.
SHO3- Say Uncle (2005) Alright, all I heard was something about pedophiles right away. This could be good maybe. Here is what I make out of the guide description and what I've seen in just a couple minutes. Some crabby bitches get real angry cause they think some guy is a diddler cause he hangs out with kids cause it helps him with his art or some shit. So the crabby bitches make a big stink and this guy gets the shaft. Also, all these hysterical broads are fat. Most of them at least. Fat chicks are always hysterical when it comes to pedophiles and free tacos. By the way, who got a free taco today? YEAAAAH BOY. But yeah, um, not a pedophile, just misunderstood... by angry fat women and prolly christians.
I couldn't make it all the way through the channels I have. I read a book instead.
User Reviews
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2007-10-31 17:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that first movie was something else. one minute john goodman is yelling and swearing. you know. like he does. next thing you know his engine is on fire and hes all sad and shit. then dreyfus dumps some crap on his plane and flies through some fire and BOOM, he blows up.
hes gonna need a bigger boat.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-31 17:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-31 17:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed at some of these
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-10-31 16:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A firefighter pilot in heaven returns to earHOLY SHIT DREYFUSS JUST EXPLODED!!! This movie is way too intense for me... lets check HBO2
Made me laugh.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-10-31 16:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh, "assburger." that always cracks me up.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2007-10-31 16:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
citizen kane was on too... but that movie looked like a bunch of boring bullshit. who makes a movie about a sled?
fuckin orson welles.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2007-10-31 15:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jurassic park was good too. they should make a book outa that. har har.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-10-31 11:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-31 11:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-10-31 09:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it. I liked it.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2007-10-31 07:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i have impeccable taste in film... as a matter of fact i watched "Goodburger" just the other day while drinking a fine red wine and sampling expensive and exotic cheese. it was some "GOOD ASS CHEESE" too. why nobody ever told me about how good this cheese was?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-31 06:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-31 05:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-31 00:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-10-30 23:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it, I found this strangely boring.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-31 05:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I couldn't make it all the way through the channels I have. I read a book instead."
---------
Hope you got something from the lesson that you will carry with you. There is nothing on TV.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-31 05:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-31 00:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-10-30 23:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it, I found this strangely entertaining.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-10-31 05:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This just made me think of that bit in Lost Boys when Corey Haim finds the TV listings mag and runs up to Granpaw to ask where the TV is:
"Well if you read the listings magazine you dont need to watch the show."
Too true most of the time. I googled Pipers boobs and they do look good.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-10-31 05:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This just made me think of that bit in Lost Boys when Corey Haim finds the TV listings mag and runs up to Granpaw to ask where the TV is:
"Well if you read the listings magazine you dont need to watch the show."
Too true most of the time. I googled Pipers boobs and they do look good.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-10-31 05:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This just made me think of that bit in Lost Boys when Corey Haim finds the TV listings mag and runs up to Granpaw to ask where the TV is:
"Well if you read the listings magazine you dont need to watch the show."
Too true most of the time. I googled Pipers boobs and they do look good.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-31 04:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always is an awesome movie.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-10-31 01:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can tell you have absolutely no taste in film.
But, slightly entertaining.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-31 00:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So how was the rice?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-31 00:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-10-30 23:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it, I found this strangely entertaining.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-31 00:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i had to miss it to go eat rice at someone's house.
yes i know that sounds stupid.
i thought it was too.
apparently it was amazing and she was hot.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-30 23:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So did it suck or rock?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-30 23:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-31 14:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The chick that wrote the book that loverboy is based on, came to our campus for a reading a week or two ago
------
AND??
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2007-10-30 23:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there was some shit on about talking dragons too but it was a pretty easy target. and it didnt even have sean connery as one of the voices. bullshit.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-10-30 23:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my short-wave radio has been rocking lately
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-30 23:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The chick that wrote the book that loverboy is based on, came to our campus for a reading a week or two ago
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-30 23:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What about the porn channel?
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-10-30 23:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it, I found this strangely entertaining.