UberLiars R2: When I was a kid... (553 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by skrapmetal (View user info) at 2007-10-31 07:45:16 EDT
Both of these are childhood stories. I'm an adult now, with a writing style of some description. As with Round 1... If you comment, kindly note your opinion as to which one is a falsehood and which one is a... uh... well, truthhood, I guess.
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Primero
When I was six years old (in 1968) I had an Army kit that my dad had gotten me for Christmas. My best friend, who lived next door and who was also six years old, got the same Army kit from his dad. There was a heavy wood and metal rifle, a metal pistol with holster, a metal helmet covered with cloth that had chin strap and a cool net for attaching twigs for camouflage, and two big, heavy, metal hand grenades. There was also a web belt to hang all the stuff on. Cool as anything.
My best friend and I were playing Army in my yard one day. We'd seen some war movie the night before wherein the squad had entered a bunker and had to shoot everybody so we were going to do the same thing, only at my house. In preparation for this most dangerous mission, I had opened up my bedroom window. Bunkers do not have closed windows. I ran back outside and put on all my enemy-killing gear, and my war-buddy and I started sneaking around the 'perimeter' to find a way into the 'bunker'.
After discovering an unguarded portal in the bunker, we climbed in and hid under a storage shelf (that looked a lot like my bed). We were apparently in a storage room since there was a door and it was closed. Quietly we opened the door and started to reconnoiter. No enemy personnel around. Noises could be heard from the other end of the bunker, so we we made our way there. Hiding behind couch-shaped stacks of ammunition, sneaking through passages the size of living room doors, breathing softly so the apron-wearing machine-gunner in the kitchen-like gun loft wouldn't hear us, we made it all the way to the door to the gun loft. There! The machine-gunner was facing away from me, otherwise occupied. Probably planning the death of Freedom. Suddenly, the machine-gunner turned around, and I saw that (s)he was holding a huge knife!
In a panic, I grabbed one of my grenades, pulled the pin, and threw the heavy metal orb as hard as I could toward where the gunner was standing. I ran as fast as I could toward the open portal in the storage room. I heard the explosion when the grenade went off, like glass shattering. I ran like crazy, as the machine-gunner called my full name. How could... oh, yeah, yeah, right... it was my mom. It was all imagination. If she was using my full name, I knew I was in trouble.
I went back in the machine-gun loft that I was now well aware was nothing but the kitchen. My mom was flaming mad. I had narrowly missed her with the grenade, which instead had neatly gone out of the house through the window over the sink. There was broken window glass on the counter and floor.
Second worst beating I ever got, and I had to give my Army kit back to my dad. Interestingly enough (to me), 40 years later he still has it and he still won't give it back.
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Segundo
When I was seven years old (in 1969) the winter was particularly snowy where I lived. One night there was an immense snowfall and school was canceled. This was a less-than-expected event in the 'Lake-Effect Snowfall' region in which I grew up. Helping my dad shovel the driveway in the morning, we saw that the snow had drifted against the houses up to the roofline.
In these days there was no cable TV, no satellite, just broadcast TV. My best friend, who lived next door, got way better TV reception than we had at my house because his house had a TV tower. Those were triangular metal gridwork poles, set in concrete, that lifted your aerial antenna up high. Although, since it was just a bit higher than his roof peak, the TV tower in my best friend's yard was only about 20 or 25 feet tall, to a seven-year-old kid it might as well have been touching heaven.
On the heavy-snowfall day, I was getting ready to go outside and play in the wonderful bounty with my best friend. My mom told me we could build tunnels in the snow because it was so deep. We tunneled by compacting the snow to the top and sides, and sure enough we built crawlable pathways through the deep wet snow. One tunnel happened to run into the base of the TV tower, and an idea took root. We could climb the pole and jump into the snow.
Once we'd dug up through the snow along the tower, we abandoned further tunneling plans and started climbing. I went first, then my friend. Up to the top, waaaaaay up there. To heaven. After I got to the end of the pole by the antenna I realized I was very scared and would not jump. The ground must've been 50 miles down. My friend was just underneath me and was as scared as I was. I couldn't climb down until he did, and he wouldn't climb because he said he couldn't see where to put his feet.
After a few minutes, he decided he'd jump onto his roof, which was only a little ways down and a couple feet over. Or, that's where the roof appeared to be, since there was more than two feet of snow on it. He jumped. When he hit the roof he started an avalanche. He and a bunch of the roof snow slid off the side of the roof into a huge drift and disappeared.
I started to climb down to rescue him but immediately fell off the pole and dropped into the drift as well, buried. I was thrashing around in snow well over my head. I could see light above and tried to go towards that but I couldn't make any progress. I just managed to pull more snow down around my feet. Eventually I stomped enough of it down that I could start moving upward. I could hear my friend also struggling to get out of the snow. I yelled at him and he said he was OK but couldn't get out.
His mom, who apparently heard him hit the roof, came outside and heard us both trapped in the snow. She made sure we were both all right, and after she was assured that we were OK but stuck, she laughed and went to get my mom. We managed to extricate ourselves from the snowbank by the time our moms were back out there with shovels. No beating this time, but I did get a stern warning about TV tower climbing.
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Choose.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-24 12:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
MY FRIENDS, THE INTERNET IS SRS BUSINESS!!!!!
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2007-11-24 12:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Since you accused me of a retaliatory -2 I thought I'd go through your shitty story and point out a few of the glaring mistakes. I found so many, I was compelled to give you another -2. The entire story sounds like it was written by a 7 year-old and not an adult writing about childhood memories. Here are the examples.
"There was also a web belt to hang all the stuff on." When you were 7 did you miss your 2nd grade English lesson where the teacher taught the class that it was wrong to end the sentence with a preposition?
"My best friend and I were playing Army in my yard one day." You actually used the phrase "one day." You might as well have just started your story with "once upon a time."
"We'd seen some war movie the night before wherein the squad had entered a bunker and had to shoot everybody so we were going to do the same thing, only at my house." Ever heard of a run-on sentence?
"How could... oh, yeah, yeah, right... it was my mom. It was all imagination." Thanks for pointing out the obvious.
"When I was seven years old (in 1969) the winter was particularly snowy where I lived." As opposed to where you didn't live?
"One night there was an immense snowfall and school was canceled." Didn't you just tell us that it was particularly snowy?
"This was a less-than-expected event in the 'Lake-Effect Snowfall' region in which I grew up." If you lived in a this snowy region, wouldn't snowfall be more-than-expected?
"My best friend, who lived next door, got way better TV reception than we had at my house because his house had a TV tower. Those were triangular metal gridwork poles, set in concrete, that lifted your aerial antenna up high." Can't you come up with a better description than "way better?" And where else would your TV reception be? You also referred to a singular "TV tower" but then go on to refer to the tower with the plural pronoun "those." Are you trying to confuse us?
"Although, since it was just a bit higher than his roof peak, the TV tower in my best friend's yard was only about 20 or 25 feet tall, to a seven-year-old kid it might as well have been touching heaven." Could this sentence be any more confusing? It's like two bad sentences crammed into one terrible sentence.
"Up to the top, waaaaaay up there. To heaven." I guess you ran out of descriptive words in your immense vocabulary so you decided to add extra vowels. That's not to mention that neither of these phrases are sentences.
"After a few minutes, he decided he'd jump onto his roof, which was only a little ways down and a couple feet over." Did you really use the phrase "a little ways down?" Wow!
"He and a bunch of the roof snow slid off the side of the roof into a huge drift and disappeared." He was on the roof and you described the snow as "roof snow" yet you felt the need to tell us that he slid off the roof. Could you be a bit more redundant? I was also unaware that roof could have a side.
"We managed to extricate ourselves from the snowbank by the time our moms were back out there with shovels." Since the story took place "out there" then why did you feel the need to point out that your "moms" came "back" to "out there."
So don't accuse me of retaliatory -2s. You wrote this piece of shit so blame yourself. I did consider the possibility that you were trying to write like a 7 year-old. Then it dawned on me that an adult who would take the time to write like a 7 year-old and post that work here on Uber would also deserve a -2. Please stop being such a boring vag.
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2007-11-24 11:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"When I was six years old (in 1968) I had an Army kit that my dad had gotten me for Christmas."
This is the first sentence from your little story. Anyone who uses the phrase "had gotten" is a tireless hack. My -2 was not retaliatory. I checked out your stuff to see what you are all about. What I found was poorly written to say the least. You, sir, are a douche
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2007-11-23 13:58:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Your campy stories told in your disjointed and decidedly forced prose make me want to barf. Do Lifetime movies make you cry?
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-11-02 10:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both entertaining as hell, #2=true.
I used to jump off our roof too. I thought I was going to drown once when I fell while snowboarding in a beautifully out of bounds stretch of woods in steamboat. The powder was beautiful and much deeper than I knew. I miss boarding in a big way.
~Brdn_Nkd
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-31 17:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1 falso
2 cierto
Submitted by dronebee (user info) at 2007-10-31 16:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 True
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-31 14:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
these both made me smile
1.)t
2.)f
no reasoning behind it, i just flipped a coin. they both sound like things any normal kid will do. i used to jump bikes off the roof into the snowdrifts that would pile up at the north side of the house. awesome time, that.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-31 13:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 - false
2 - true
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-31 12:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two is true, that is.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-31 12:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that the first is way too believable. I did shit like that when I was a young'un.
Two. It's more... not likely to have occurred to a person... if you will.
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2007-10-31 11:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First one had to much detail, as if you really wanted it to be believed.
I have been known to be wrong though, amazing as it seems.
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Yeah, and it's also kinda believable, as if you were trying to trick us into believing it. I have been known to be wrong too, but 2;T.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2007-10-31 11:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great writing on 2 great stories. I am going to go against popular opinion and say:
1 - True
2- False
No reason for that other than I can remember when my friends and I would act out movie scenes. I remember running around shooting with toy guns and yelling "WOLVERINES!"
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-31 11:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stories. And I'm going with two as true as well. As funny as the image of a kid with a grenade is.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-10-31 10:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stories.
my god, you are waaaay older than me.
that's great!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-31 10:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I reaaaaaally wanted #1 to be true, but I'm-a gonna have to say:
1 - F
2 - T
No responsible adult gives their six-year-old child an Army grenade for a Christmas gift. :P
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2007-10-31 09:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked both stories so I don't care if you were lying about one.
Submitted by LeeJ (user info) at 2007-10-31 09:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
2 is true
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-31 08:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First one had to much detail, as if you really wanted it to be believed.
I have been known to be wrong though, amazing as it seems.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-31 08:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two is true. And yeah, this was nicely written indeed.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-10-31 08:22:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah two is true.
Good writing though.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-31 08:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My God, Skrappy, I had no idea you were so old! I thought you were in your twenties or something.
Anyway I really want story number 2 to be true so I'll go with that one.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-31 07:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Filename.
Also,
1) Falsetto
2) Truf
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-31 07:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Previous round: Story 1 was true. 166.622 mph, jelus bicthes.