Bad Water (1721 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: California
Rating: 1.73 on 86 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2007-10-31 18:17:04 EDT
(Happy Halloween, Uber!)
"We got bad water here," the gas station attendant said. The door to his small cashier booth wheezed shut behind him.
Lewis looked across the bed of his truck as he filled up. "Really?"
"Yuh," the attendant said. He had a circular crest stitched to the breast of his faded blue coverall. All Lewis could see was a J and a greasy smear. "Been complainin' about it for months. People are getting' real messed up. You here to see to it?"
Lewis worked for Alameda County. He had the Public Works seal on the doors of his pickup truck. Whenever he pulled off the road in a declining town like this he had people coming up to him and complaining. Asking when long-neglected problems would be attended to. Apricot Valley had been a nice town once upon a time. Now it was run-down houses full of guys like J, projects full of single mothers, teenagers who towered over Lewis's lanky five foot eight frame, and a shitload of Latinos who couldn't speak any English. Apricot Valley was open tracts of dusty land, When the wind came in off of San Francisco Bay that gray-brown dust coated everything in town.
Lewis didn't mind the old people or the ones who were living paycheck to paycheck asking him when a road might be repaved or a streetlight might be fixed. He didn't have any answers since was just a glorified trash hauler who removed stray garbage cans and dead animals from county streets when enough complaints came in, and there usually weren't enough complaints. Usually the carcasses of coons and cats were left to rot and anything remotely usable was taken off the street by those passing by.
What Lewis did mind was second and third generation welfare bums demanding free services like repairs to their homes. There was nothing he could do, but they just didn't get it.
Then again, Lewis thought, there were advantages to being in this part of then country. It was October 31st, the sky was bright blue, and he was wearing a t-shirt and jeans because the temperature was in the mid-seventies.
"No," Lewis said. "I'm kind of stuck in that I gotta follow the work orders they give me." This was his standard line. "If I do something without a work order and get injured, even a little paper cut, I gotta fill out a whole bunch of paperwork and all my medical coverage could be in trouble. It's a crazy system, believe me."
The attendant's interest had waned. "Uh," he said.
The gas pump shuddered in Lewis's hand and he shook it off. "I'm just here to pick up some debris on Longline Road before anyone has an accident. Some furniture and stuff that must have fallen off of a truck."
"Uh," the attendant said. "Too bad. My daddy, he's a real mess. I think its cause of the water."
Lewis twisted his gas cap in place. "I'm real sorry," he said. He'd paid the attendant of the two pump 76 station $10 for a few gallons of gas. He didn't realize a conversation was part of the deal.
"Wanna see him?"
Lewis shrugged. He could feel a piss coming on, but this guy was giving him the creeps. He wanted to get gone. He could piss on down the road.
The attendant tuned his head and nodded toward a garage bay. "He's gotten simple, cause of the bad water. I got to keep him inside. Let him play with the socket wrenches and such. He used to run this station. Now all he wants to do is go down to the creek and drowned hisself."
"Really?" Lewis didn't know what to say. Maybe the old man had Alzheimer's if he kept trying to drown himself.
"Yuh," the attendant said. "Would of drown-ded hisself if I hadn't of found him."
"Well, shit," Lewis said.
The attendant sucked air and let out a yell. "Daddy!"
"No," Lewis said, "You don't have to..."
A man stepped out of the service bay. He was about fifty. He was wearing grease-blackened sneakers and a black and white Oakland Raiders t-shirt. Between the shirt and the shoes he was naked.
Lewis caught only a glimpse of the man's gray pubes and shriveled junk and looked away, feeling offended and disgusted and embarrassed all at the same time.
The attendant frowned. "Dammit, he lost his diaper again."
"Thirsty," the old man croaked.
Lewis opened the door, still watching the men on the far side of his truck.
The attendant took a few steps toward his father. The old man squatted in the dust and grimaced.
Lewis heard a succession of fast wet farts. A wash of clear goo spurted out of the man's backside, and what appeared to be an 11/16" socket dropped onto the ground with a thud and rolled a few inches.
"God dammit, daddy! I told you not to eat the sockets!"
"Thirsty" the old man said.
"He swallows anything shiny. Stainless steel, anything with chrome on it," the attendant told Lewis. "I guess he thinks its water."
While the attendant was dealing with his father, Lewis hopped in the truck and pulled onto the road.
In the rear-view mirror he saw the attendant grab an old rubber hose and turn on a tap. He handed the hose to the old man who sucked on it like a baby working a tit.
Lewis had gone a half mile down the road before he began to relax. "I should have asked him if he preferred Sears Craftsman or Snap-on," he said. He let out a laugh, and felt a lot of tension lift away.
He passed a young woman who turned her head and watched him as he drove by. Lewis was startled, first thinking she had a huge spider on her face. It took him a moment to realize he was seeing a massive patch of dry, dead skin on one of her cheeks. The skin there had ruptured, leaving a black hole in her cheek surrounded by long tears in the flesh.
Lewis floored it. He wanted out of here.
On one side of the road was a hill. On the other was a ravine. Lewis knew the creek was down there somewhere. All around were lush trees, their leaves filtering the light of the sun.
He was thinking about digging a smoke out of his pocket when a small blond-haired boy on a bicycle raced out from behind a tree on the hill to Lewis's left and tried to cut across the road. The boy and the bicycle were just a blur. Blond hair, black t-shirt, dark khakis. Lewis was already standing on the brake and screaming even as the truck hit the kid at an angle.
The truck jumped as it passed over the bicycle. The blonde-haired boy was still a blur as he hit the angled ground of the ravine and rolled out of sight.
The truck shuddered to a stop and Lewis stepped onto the road. He walked across the shoulder and saw that the ravine here was steep. The kid had rolled right off a lip of earth and dropped down fifty feet or so, into some trees. Lewis saw a house down there through gaps in the foliage and a big shed. He could hear the muted whine of some machine, a saw perhaps. Aside from the high-pitched whine coming from below it was quiet enough on this stretch of road that he could hear birds chirping above and the chuckling trickle of the creek below.
He looked behind the truck and saw the mangled bicycle.
"Shit," he hissed, sliding from tree to tree as he made his way down the steep slope to check on the kid.
When he reached level ground he passed the big shed and the buzz-saw whine and soon spotted the kid, seeing blond hair glowing white in a shaft of sunlight beside the creek.
The kid was lying face down on a bed of fallen leaves. Lewis kneeled down, and touched the kid's shoulder. The kid groaned and rolled over. The water in the creek made a merry chortle-chortle sound as it passed over and around stones in the creek bed as if laughing at an inside joke.
The kid's jawbone was gone. His tongue flopped down into the hollow of his throat like a boneless cut of beef.
Lewis staggered backward, lost his balance, and fell on his ass.
The kid made a gargling sound and started crawling for the creek.
"No way I did that kind of damage," Lewis whispered. "No way. That happened before."
Just before the kid leaned over the shallow bank of the creek and dunked his head, Lewis saw clots of dark blood clinging to the kid's torn face.
"Wasn't me," Lewis said. "No way."
He got to his feet and heard hinges creaking behind him.
The kid started sucking up water in a series of long choking slurps.
For the first time Lewis noticed a yellowish frothy scum had collected along both the sides of the creek as far as he could see.
We got bad water here, the gas station attendant had said.
Lewis turned and saw that the door of the big shed was now open. Back in the shadows a saw was running, filling the air with a metallic zing. Something moved in there.
"Hello?" Lewis knew he sounded like some goof in a slasher flick who was about to get carved up. He called out again. "Anyone there?"
A man stepped close to the doorway. The sun was at an angle, illuminating dusty work boots.
Standing in the shadows, the old man said something.
Lewis cocked his head. fugyajesus?
The old man took a step forward. The sun was striking his lower body. His head and shoulders were still in shadow.
"Sugyajoosis," the old man said.
He was wearing overalls and a red and black flannel shirt. He had his shirt sleeves rolled up. His right hand was holding a chisel. His left hand was empty. It had been severed from his arm a few inches above the wrist, and was slowly spinning back and forth, hanging from an elastic ribbon of pale flesh.
Lewis saw ragged tissue and a nub of white bone jutting from the hand which turned one way, slowed, and then turned the other way. His gut shifted and he heaved up a ball of sour air.
The old man took another step out of the shadow and into the sun. "Sugya sugya," he said. He made a sucking sound.
Something had exploded or burned the old man's face. He had no eyes or nose, just a deep crater of charred meat and bone between his temples. One of his lips had been sliced open and he was missing some teeth, but the old man could still talk.
"Suck ya juices," the old man said. "Thirsty."
Lewis turned and ran.
He leaped the creek, pushed his way through chest-high bushes, and found himself in a clearing. There was a wild growth of grasses there, a cracked culvert, and an artesian well. The well was very old, and the mouth was blackened with a layer of scum many inches thick that almost seemed to be moving, pulsating.
No, Lewis thought. It's just the motion of the water spilling out of the well. That's all.
The ground was muddy, soft. There were pools of brackish water heavy with algae, and this water was draining into the creek.
Lewis wondered if the people in town were getting their water from the same underground source feeding the artesian well.
Lewis heard a rustling of brush behind him. He saw the man with the ruined face and the kid, the kid's tongue swinging with every step.
I can make it, Lewis thought, looking across the clearing. If he made his way carefully between the pools of water covered in gobbets and runnels of green and brown scum, he could reach higher ground on the other side of the clearing. Then he could circle around to his truck and get the fuck out of here once and for all.
He took a few steps and paused. The ground was spongy, saturated.
A bubble rose and burst in a pool to his left. Lewis swung right. There were more blorts and blips from a pool dead ahead, so he side-stepped—
What he had taken for solid ground was a floating clump of grass. His foot went deep and he lost his balance. He put out his arms, hands and knees splashing into thick water. The water rose to his waist and elbows before he felt semi-solid ground underneath and felt mud sucking at his hands and feet.
Lewis was still convinced he could make it out of the clearing, and when people began rising up out of the pools of water and slogging towards him he simply stared. He looked back and saw the old man and the boy fall into one of the pools, drinking the water even as they sank out of sight.
"No," Lewis said. He struggled to stand and lost a boot to the mud. He flailed his arms and spun and fell onto his back with a splash.
People loomed over him. Some of them looked normal, like the guy in the FedEx uniform. They had taken off most of their clothes at some point and they had been in the water far too long. Lewis saw pale flesh sagging like oversized suits of clothes. Soft parts like noses and ears and genitals were clusters of black rot. Skin on backs and chests hung loose and moved with too much freedom.
Lewis tried to get up, but the mud under the water was soft. Only his knees and head were above the water.
"Thirsty," a woman said. There was a tear in her skin across one collarbone and her breast was hanging down around her waist.
A foot padded against his head. Lewis slipped on the mud below and sputtered as water splashed over his face.
Another foot dipped into the water near him, and found one of his shoulders. Feet came down on his belly and his chest and his forehead. He was pushed down, submerged, and if he hadn't been in a full-blown panic he would have noticed how gently he was being forced down.
Through the water that washed over his head Lewis could see the people around him, the people of Apricot Valley. They were standing around him in a circle, looking down. Those who had intact faces were smiling. Lewis struggled against the feet pinning him down. Some of the people squatted and used their arms to hold him under.
Lewis waited until he couldn't wait any longer. He exhaled and the world above him was shimmering silver spheres. He held on. He held on as long as he could. Then his body took over, his mouth opened, and he inhaled. He breathed in and swallowed water.
Bad water.
After some immeasurable passage of time Lewis knew only one thing.
Thirsty, he thought, lying under the water, half buried in the mud, his wide eyes staring up at a clear blue sky.
User Reviews
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-11-03 10:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-02 09:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lewis heard a succession of fast wet farts. A wash of clear goo spurted out of the man's backside, and what appeared to be an 11/16" socket dropped onto the ground with a thud and rolled a few inches.
"God dammit, daddy! I told you not to eat the sockets!"
-----------------
Ewwwwwwwww.....hahahahaha.
I liked this, Jack.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-01 22:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha, cause it's dark when you get home from work
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-11-01 22:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Zebra - about 90% of the fiction I post here is what I call quickies. Blow through the story, do a half-assed proof-read while having a smoke or two, and post. And most are written at work. It's a pressure valve. Either that, or I go on a killing spree.
If anything I overwrite, so to speak. Working on a thing now that I thought would be a part 1 of 2 post, and the fucking thing is 9 pages so far and I haven't even gotten to the meat of the plot. Sometimes I just let the characters talk, and they won't shut up. I need a good editor.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-01 20:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-11-01 19:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
I wouldn't describe 5'8" as lanky. Even though it's certainly possible.
And I don't know how the guy could figure an 11/16 socket, either.
There were a couple of others I've forgotten, but just nit picky stuff.
Some of the dialogue was better left as description so as not to sound overly expository, and it should have really been at least twice as long, if only to make the reader actually care when the guy sucks the water.
Maybe you cut your stuff down for uber.
Still, really well written.
Forget what I said about Final Draft, btw.
It's a fucking nightmare down here.
Nah. Go ahead and invest. Always room for another rat on the ship.
****
Yep. As we've all said before, another brainless fuck TOO STUPID TO POST.
Get a clue and a life, Zeebie. . .
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-11-01 19:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
I wouldn't describe 5'8" as lanky. Even though it's certainly possible.
And I don't know how the guy could figure an 11/16 socket, either.
There were a couple of others I've forgotten, but just nit picky stuff.
Some of the dialogue was better left as description so as not to sound overly expository, and it should have really been at least twice as long, if only to make the reader actually care when the guy sucks the water.
Maybe you cut your stuff down for uber.
Still, really well written.
Forget what I said about Final Draft, btw.
It's a fucking nightmare down here.
Nah. Go ahead and invest. Always room for another rat on the ship.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 19:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 18:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU MUST MEAN IT BECAUSE YOU TYPED "NONE" IN CAPITAL LETTERS!!!
Clean the dirt and grime from under your nails yet, Cowboy?
-----------------------------------
Now I'm a cowboy? Do you know how absolutely stupid you look to anyone with a minute amount of intelligence?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 18:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU MUST MEAN IT BECAUSE YOU TYPED "NONE" IN CAPITAL LETTERS!!!
Clean the dirt and grime from under your nails yet, Cowboy?
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 18:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 15:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not certain that you want to get into THAT pissing contest, Jagoff.
--------------------------------
I have no doubt. NONE.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-11-01 17:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*weeps*
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-11-01 17:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry Jack - I'll have to pass on your offer.
Besides, I'm not tan. AT ALL. and I don't have a belly ring. (Although I do want one, but I think I might be too old)
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 15:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not certain that you want to get into THAT pissing contest, Jagoff.
No one as seemingly ignorant as you are is making more scratch than Shlongy.
And remember, BillyBob...money can't buy you class or brains.
Now before you type your extremely unwitty response, you may want to clean all that dirt from under your fingernails.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 15:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 15:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's limitless.
Unlike your income potential, but similar to your propensity to fail at everything in life.
____________________
My income potential??
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
You can only dream, midget man.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 15:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's limitless.
Unlike your income potential, but similar to your propensity to fail at everything in life.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 15:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 14:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OK...ummm...you're a trout?
-------------------------------
Is there a limit to your stupidity?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 14:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OK...ummm...you're a trout?
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 14:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Swampy is a fucking retard.
THERE ARE NO EMAILS, TARDO. You're a fish. A very IGNORANT and foul smelling fish, but a fish.
------------------------
You already used the fish thing in this post. Use that tired old washed up brain and come up with something new.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How's the weather in Shitsplat these days?
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'M the one from Shitsplat, NC.
Get it right, asshole.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Swampy is a fucking retard.
THERE ARE NO EMAILS, TARDO. You're a fish. A very IGNORANT and foul smelling fish, but a fish.
Now STOP SENDING ME EMAILS, SWAMPY. (Watch)
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-01 12:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i wanna know more back story.
but that's probably just me.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-01 12:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-01 12:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quenched
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-11-01 11:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 11:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*** silence while Shlongy runs to the tech guy to ask what an email header is ***
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 11:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 11:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hhahahahahahahaha...you're like a fish.
A big, dumb, foul-smelling, incredibly stupid fish.
There are NO EMAILS, you stupid fuck.
You're "getting played", is how I think the young people say it these days.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No, I think what it is is you have no idea how to open an email header or even what it is, so it's time to backtrack on that specific threat.
Your game is old and very, very lame. Give it up, you old fraud.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 11:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hhahahahahahahaha...you're like a fish.
A big, dumb, foul-smelling, incredibly stupid fish.
There are NO EMAILS, you stupid fuck.
You're "getting played", is how I think the young people say it these days.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
PS. ONE MORE EMAIL FROM YOU TO SHLONGY AND I WILL BE FORCED TO CONTACT YOUR SERVICE PROVIDER
----------------------------------------------
AHHH HHA HA!!!!
This reminds me of the good old days when you had contacted the FBI due to me "calling your house" and they had all my information.
I'll tell you what. Open the full header up on the "emails" you are receiving and post it here. I'll teach you a little something about something.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You haven't been taking your meds, Swampy...I may have to let your parole officer know that you're OBSESSING OVER SHLONGY again.
Or, we can just get together and I'll rearrange your face.
YOUR CALL!
------------------------------------------
Same LAME threats as always, same LAME cutdowns as always. You throw the physical assault threat out there because you know any reasonable, sane member of society would never stoop to anything so immature and uncivilized.
You dumb freakin clown, you need to get over me cause I'm not going away. The best thing you could possibly do is ignore the fact I'm here, because I will always dominate your stupid pathetic rhetoric with logic and true humor. You can carry on as long as you like, but you know I've got your number, you old fraud.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
PS. ONE MORE EMAIL FROM YOU TO SHLONGY AND I WILL BE FORCED TO CONTACT YOUR SERVICE PROVIDER.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You haven't been taking your meds, Swampy...I may have to let your parole officer know that you're OBSESSING OVER SHLONGY again.
Or, we can just get together and I'll rearrange your face.
YOUR CALL!
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yawn...
You say something, Loser?
QUIT EMAILING ME, fucking parasite.
--------------------------------------------
Ahhh ha ha ha
Now I'm emailing you? You're worse than a 15-year-old girl who thinks she's in love. When nobody pays her any attention, she needs to make stuff up.
You're the biggest attention whore on this site, you shriveled up old man. I really wish your wife would pay you some attention so you wouldn't be forced to fabricate it on here.
Nobody wants to email you less than me. It makes me laugh to see you all torqued up over some internet forum BS, but I've got way better things to do than email you.
Shut up and sell something.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yawn...
You say something, Loser?
QUIT EMAILING ME, fucking parasite.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jack- Tell Swamp Donkey to try and give up his Shlongy obsession.
It's embarrassing for everyone involved.
--------------------------------------------
Oh how original. You're the freakin stalker, I peg you with it for a couple days, now you're saying I'm obsessed.
You dumb freakin old coot, give it up. You're not anywhere near as good as me, nor do you have any hope.
You know you cried like a little schoolgirl when Bart banned you. You'd be lost without this place. Absolutely pathetic.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-01 10:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jack- Tell Swamp Donkey to try and give up his Shlongy obsession.
It's embarrassing for everyone involved.
Submitted by jigglypuff (user info) at 2007-11-01 09:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really good. Has great potential.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2007-11-01 09:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reasonably well done Jack.
Thank you.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2007-11-01 08:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Christ why can't you all be banned? Maybe a week away from Ubersite could do you kids some good. I hear lives are in right now.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-01 07:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-11-01 07:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-31 20:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
When is Bart going to ban this bald dipshit? http://www.ubersite.com/m/112875#2569125
Ummmm, when are you gonna figure out that I DO THE BANNING around here?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, he got banned once that I remember. The amount of crying, whining and sucking of Bart's e-genitalia via email was absolutely PATHETIC for a grown man.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-01 05:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-01 05:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should of just looked in the mirror Drogo.
ahahahahhHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HA!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-01 05:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff, as always. I was looking for a good Halloween story
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-01 02:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-11-01 01:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm deducting a point for the uberboard.
Whether it was you or Bubba or one of your little friends, it's fucking lame.
And if I come back and find out anyone complained, I'll take off another.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-01 00:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-10-31 23:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dropped in to see if there was any good Halloween writing, and you didn't disappoint Jacko. Thanks.
I wish I hadn't been so lazy and had written something up myself.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-31 21:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-10-31 21:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-31 21:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-31 20:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's SOUTH Carolina, shitforbrains.
And everyone knows I don't dislike Jack - it's just WAYYYY more fun to watch him get totally assed up - he probably beats a cat every time I do this - over a website ratings system.
*****
Well Excuuuuuussseeee ME, Mr. Shlong!! Yer fucking state couldn't get along, so they split it. Kinda like Bart and ETS, huh?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-10-31 21:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-31 20:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's SOUTH Carolina, shitforbrains.
And everyone knows I don't dislike Jack - it's just WAYYYY more fun to watch him get totally assed up - he probably beats a cat every time I do this - over a website ratings system.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-31 20:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone knows this should be a solid +2, except for the fuckweed from
Shitsplat, NC. Someone get Shlong a drink of water. And get Sicowater
a drink of semen.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-10-31 20:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-31 20:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
When is Bart going to ban this bald dipshit? http://www.ubersite.com/m/112875#2569125
Ummmm, when are you gonna figure out that I DO THE BANNING around here?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-10-31 19:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no balls, and that's why Ubersite will Always be a dump
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-10-31 19:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-31 19:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok... now off to find a party somewhere.
In THIS town? Parties? Nooooo....
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-10-31 19:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, now, this right here is why I installed an RO system that feeds the sink, icemakers, and bar. Can't abide zombies in the house.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-31 19:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
90 bajiggits of awesome.
and +2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-10-31 19:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then I was walk'n in Alviso
Walk'n ten feet off the mud
Walk'n Alviso
La la la laa laaaaa
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-31 19:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
STREAK BREAKER, PART II!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-31 19:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm leaving, Mr. McCallum, so don't cry too hard.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-10-31 19:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Streak break...happy hour was awesome and I can do this.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-10-31 19:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent as usual jack.
It did feel a little bit rushed though, you could have created more tension and ick factor by drawing it out a bit more.
I did question the fact that so many townspeople had succumbed to the influence of the bad water without any official recognition or alarm.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a good Halloween! The desk shackles are being released and I'm outie.
Again, love the story.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
retribution for picking on Alameda county, Jack
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well shitfire, all my italics disappeared. wtf?
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That just seems wrong somehow.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
McCallum fiction = AUTO +2
... now to read it.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pur has one now that adds flavor to your water..
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The gators. But mostly there's a faint coppery taste in the water - at least on the west coast. Even with one of those little gizmos that attaches to the faucet.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah.... too many gater's huh? Too bad you weren't on uber about two years ago when I was heading out that way.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Florida
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good enough to +2 a repost
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where's that?
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bottled water.. thank goodness
but the sad truth is that 'round here we have some of the best municiple water there is.
--------
Course, that's not saying much is it? I'm actually terrified of drinking non-bottled water...especially where I live. (Side note: it's been such a long day that I kept mistyping especially.)
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more more more
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Wasn't me," Lewis said. "No way."
Not me, no way. Not now, not evah, not nevah!
Anyone? Anyone?
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bottled water.. thank goodness
but the sad truth is that 'round here we have some of the best municiple water there is.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crystle, ewww.
Do you at least have a water purifier then?
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and worse, now I'm thirsty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh
couldn't you have at least used San Joaquin county? Stanislaus County? Solano?
NO.. you HAVE to write about where I live.
Grrrrrrr
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice end of the workday read. Thanks.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it the second time, too.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-10-31 18:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Repost. Giant picture the first time. Busy at work. Constipated. Angry white man.