Life Lessons #1: Friends (1074 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.18 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Geddy Lee (View user info) at 2007-11-01 12:26:30 EDT
I'm not completely happy with this piece, but I wrote it out of anger and then never finished it, so it's not as good as it could have been.
Life Lessons #1: Friends
1) Never lend a friend anything that you would want back
I credit my grandfather for this excellent quote that he told me when I was in my prime era, about a month after I hit puberty. What he told me I do not remember exactly, but the basic concept was to "never let a friend borrow more money than you would use to buy a gift for him." Or something to that effect. What he means is that if I wouldn't give my friend Ned a $20 gift, to not let him borrow $20. You have to assume while lending anybody ANYTHING that you will not get that thing back. Will you mind not getting back your favorite pen? Or your math notes? If I went to White Castle with my friend, and he was a dollar short, sure, no problem. I've got it. But next time it'll be like a favor for him to throw in another dollar. But if a friend asks to borrow $100, unless you a) see him allll the damn time, or b) you're fucking his girlfriend and he doesn't know it and you already feel pretty bad about that, than do NOT do it.
2) Never invite friends to go on expensive excursions
This is a lesson that I've learned time and time again. People are out for one thing: their own best interest. They don't give a shit who they're screwing over, who's getting shafted because of their irresponsibility, who's getting ripped off, etc. The only person who seems to care is the rare breed of persons that are reading my piece right now and already thinking to yourself, "hmmmm.. that's true, friends do suck..." I am here to guarantee you that you will literally end up babysitting your friends, and people will ALWAYS make you have less of a good time.
So here's a valuable lesson that I realized, and even one day might adhere to it myself: never invite your friends anywhere. I can pretty much assure you that at least one of these things will happen: a) you will get a parking ticket, and you'll pay for it completely, even if your friend said it would be ok to park there, b) you will end up paying to store it in a garage, c) if your car breaks down, your friend will be no help at all, and will absolutely NOT wait for AAA to get there, instead having an even shittier friend pick him up, or in the worst case scenario, d) they will cancel the last minute.
I can't fucking TELL you how much I loathe anyone who tries to pull off a D. Rule of 3, I'll call this. If you have big plans [anything that requires going over 100 miles away and staying at least 2 days], you must notify the planner at LEAST 3 weeks in advance. Otherwise, there is no excuse, and you are going. But if you are a habitual same-day cancelor, get the fuck out, you're not included in my plans anymore.
3) Never put an entire bill on your credit card, and have people pay you back in cash
This is a great way to voluntarily throw away all of your money. Everyone knows that having loose singles in your wallet is either going to $1 beer night, or the nudie booth. First of all, before you actually make the decision to go to the diner, I'd strongly suggest figuring out whether or not everyone has cash. There's always going to be some slacker friend with no money, or one that insists on putting everything on a credit card. This is completely useless to you. But then again, if he's willing to front all of the money so people can pay back 1/2 of what they owe him, that's his damn problem.
So, the real lesson is this: never put an entire bill on your credit card, rather, always let somebody ELSE put the entire bill on his credit card.
4) Never offer to drive anywhere
It doesn't matter where you're going. Down the shore, into the mountains, through the Grand Canyon--it's irrelevant. NEVER offer to drive, and then assume people will throw you gas money. There's a better chance that you can give a complete stranger a ride and he would give you some cash without you even having to ask him, than a car packed with your friends would produce more than $2. I could offer some random guy walking on the side of the road to drive him home, and I firmly believe that there is a large chance that he would give me some money.
So next time you're anxious to drive, and you're assuming you'll get a free tank of gas out of your kind services, guess again. Nevermind the fact that you'll get shittier mileage lugging around 5 jackasses than you would have if you just left your deadbeat friends at home.
5) Never offer to be the "check splitter"
You know what I mean. When you and like 5-8 friends go out to a diner at a quarter of two in the morning, and then you get a massive bill that's like $94 even though 3 of you had glasses of water and the rest got orders of disco fries. The problem here is that people forget about a) taxes and b) the damn tip. What this equates to is you shelling out $25 for a coke and hamburger, because everyone drops $2 on the table and rushes outside to smoke a cigarette. This is utter bullshit, and to anyone who I may end up at a diner with in the foreseeable future, know that I am on to your shenanigans, and I will not stand for that shit. You STAY INSIDE for 2 damn minutes, take out your fucking wallet, and drop some cash for the tip. Don't even try to stick me with figuring that crap out--I used to have the same cell phone as you, and I know for a fact that it came with a GOD DAMNED TIP CALCULATOR, you FUCK!
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-10 21:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are 100% correct...and I can't believe I'm saying that.
Submitted by FilledwithHate (user info) at 2008-07-10 21:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2112!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-07-10 20:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the user name
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-05 08:20:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That makes sense, then.
I still love your user name. :)
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-11-02 16:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm.. based on your replies I should have planned my title a little better.
No, all of your observations are completely off-base [not to mention retarded, some of them]. This piece was written in the condition of being owed alot of money from friends while in financial trouble, and how that can put strain on friendships; both new friends and old friends. Friendships should never have money involved in them. This piece wasn't about how I'm a cheap bastard and all I care about is money, come on now. That's the exact opposite of the point I was trying to bring across. When cash is thrown into the mix, it generally destroys friendships, and subconsiously really makes you hate people, as it's a touchy thing.
That's all I'm sayin', dudes.
As always, thanks for the replies and comments.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-02 15:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-01 15:59:23 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs less about money and more about anything to do with friendship.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-11-02 14:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'Down the shore'
You're from Dundalk or Essex, aren't you?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-11-02 03:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm not poor, so i don't have these problems
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-11-01 23:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I loved you in Hemispheres
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-11-01 22:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sounds like your only friend is money.
enjoy being lonely.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-11-01 18:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sweet, I bet you're the little rich kid who sits along at lunch and makes friends with the attendance ladies because he can't connect to anyone on a personal level because of his obscene fascination with money.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs less about money and more about anything to do with friendship.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
how old are you? you're still in high school aren't you.
this was the dumbest life lesson i've ever read, the day i get pissy over a dinner bill or unpaid gas is the day i take my fucking head out of my ass.
although one lesson i have learned - if you're going to let a mate crash at your place for a few days - stipulate clearly when they have to leave before they come to stay. very important.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I used to have the same cell phone as you, and I know for a fact that it came with a GOD DAMNED TIP CALCULATOR, you FUCK!
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why? no really why....... have they stopped teaching math at school...... a Tip Calculator???, now thats just fuckin lazy.....
*Sigh
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-01 14:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Advice from my father and his father before him: "Son, people are no damn good."
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
here is a life lesson for you.
People first.
Money second.
"Things" third.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well I have done every single one of these things you say not to do, and have never had a bad experience through doing them. Maybe I just do these things with friends I have known for years and who I trust but they have all done the same thing too.
I think basically what I am saying is that either a) you have shitty friends. b) you are the shitty friend for saying shit like this about your 'supposed' friends or c)you are just blowing a few bad experiences with dickheads out of all proportion.
Anyway I'm off for a meal with friends where we shall all split the bill between us equally and then throw down our change for a tip.
Toodles.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, no kidding.. As I said, I wrote this out of anger.
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fair enough, i didn't really read it anyway.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a ring of truth to all of these, but you kind of need to grow up. You come off as someone I probably would not want as a friend.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
RUSH
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, no kidding.. As I said, I wrote this out of anger.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you need better friends
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-01 13:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
congratulations!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-01 12:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
are you 15?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-01 12:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-01 12:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i do not agree with those lessons
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-01 12:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i do not agree with those lessons
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-01 12:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0