SPT: BANNED... From the Executive Washroom (1146 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.6 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shadow (View user info) at 2007-11-01 16:33:34 EDT
It's Thursday and spirits around the office sink beneath the cool heavy weight of a rainy autumn day. Payday is still a week off, and no one has anything to look forward to this weekend. The clouds gather, the rain falls, and forty-eight keyboards click away at the nothingness.
Except mine of course, I can't be bothered to work at a time like this.
I've been eating nothing but frosted mini-wheats and sharp cheddar cheese for two days, and I have a serious need to purge the evils of fiber and lactose from my tender pink bowels. As seconds tick away, I feel thin beads of sweat forming on my forehead; this one cannot wait until I reach the comforts of my home, oh no!
Generally I hate dropping a deuce in the office, for courtesy to my cube-neighbors, and also the restrooms here are filthy. You'd be hard-pressed on any given afternoon to locate a restroom in this office without piss on the floor. Nevertheless, this is an emergency and I know what must be done.
I must raid the Executive Washroom.
I begin to hide my necessary items on my person. My security badge goes into the back pocket of my slacks, my cellphone (TETRIS!!!) sits on the hem, nestled into the small of my back where its little bulge will not be noticed should I be apprehended. I tuck my pocket knife into the front pocket and slide my 9mm into the strap at my ankle. In the breast pocket of my shirt goes a slim syringe and two vials, one of cyanide in a liquid suspension, the other Valium. I rearrange my desk so that it does not look exactly as it did when I came in this morning, a little clutter indicates productivity. Lastly, I tell my cubemates some convoluted story about having to save a puppy in the parking garage, so they can cover for me if I don't return in a timely fashion.
I check the time, 15:20, and that means the boss "lady" is standing at the entrance to the building chiding the smokers for enjoying their cancer treats. Having to listen to that harpy screech is a harsh punishment for enjoying a smoke, but it's good news for me. That little cigarette break should give me a five minute window to reach The Washroom.
I get in motion.
"Hey shadow?" I hear a sing-song voice call behind me. I must stay cool.
"Huh?" I ask in my best impersonation of an idiot.
"Could you do me a teensy-weeeensy favor and take these reports to Kim's office? That's where you're heading, right?" Holy crap, it's the boss lady's daughter. I have no choice but to comply, or kill her, and I hate killing right before a bathroom break.
"Yeah, sure... Kim's office... reports..." I stumble over to her and take the reports. The sparkling white of her brand-new teeth draws my attention, I try not to stare.
"Thaaaaa-eeeenks" she says, tilting her head like a cocker spaniel, eyes slightly crossed. I give her a dumb-happy look and walk to Kim's office. Kim is nowhere to be seen, must be down with the others getting a smoke. I leave the reports on her desk and head back toward The Washroom.
This is where it gets tricky.
There are two hallways leading to the Executive Offices where The Washroom can be found. I head down the long narrow hall to the right, created by cubicles lined up three feet from the support wall. Unfortunately I am not alone, James the Maintenance Guy is down there, peeping through the slight crack in the cubes, undoubtedly staring at the inch-deep panty line that cuts through Tanya's ass. He hears me coming and turns only too late; I am already on him inducing a state of sleep by compressing his throat. Ten seconds pass, then thirty. He attempts to swat me off his back but he is confused and nearly immobile in this small space. Slowly he drifts down to the floor and passes out. I check his pulse, he's fine.
On I go through the unmanned security post. My badge is one of the "old" ones, a mat blue ugly rectangle bearing the logo of a long-gone security company. The new badges are red and only work at the main entrance, the blue badge gets you everywhere. I had to make a pretty sweet deal with the HR guy to get one of these, but times like these I don't even miss my limited edition StarTrek collectible plates, well worth the trade.
I open the door to the Executive Offices and check for signs of life. No one is there. The execs only show up on Mondays, the rest of the week this area is abandoned save for the boss lady, who is currently indisposed. Nevertheless, I creep carefully down the last corridor and into the The Washroom.
It is a glorious sight. White porcelain with polished oak accents and gold trim everywhere. Even the floor shines a bright greeting. I lock the door and get myself into position, preparing to release a flood of excremental demons into this pristine palace of plumbing. I break out the cellphone for a quick game of Tetris to take my mind off of the action.
What can I say? It was a five-star shit.
I clean myself up and wash my hands, unaware of how much time has passed. I open the door and swagger gleefully back down the corridor, my colon empty of its filthy burden. Suddenly the door to my right swings open, it's the boss lady!!!
"Shadow!" She shrieks, splitting the soft matter of my ears. "Were you in the EXECUTIVE WASHROOM?!?!" She wags an accusing sausage finger in my direction, no doubt casting some horrible management curse on me. "You know that area is FORBIDDEN TO EMPLOYEES!!!"
The sound is painful and wretched, crashing into my brain like a thousand soiled virgins crying out in agony. I must make the noise stop! I reach for the first item at my disposal, the syringe, and plug one of the vials into it for injection. I can't tell whether it's the poison or not and God help me, I don't care. With a motion deft and precise, I slam the needle into her throat where it penetrates her ape-flesh and finds it's mark in the artery. I depress the button, sending the fluid into her living body where it travels only too quickly to her brain.
She goes quiet. She goes limp. I walk over her, wiping the blood away from my ears.
Back in the cube, no one is the wiser. I sit and wait for the day to end.
Suddenly the phone rings. I check the display, it's an interoffice call. Ordinarily I would not answer such a pointless call, but hey, I'm in a good mood at the moment.
"Shadow?" The voice is weak and drowsy. "I need your reports... by... uh... what time is it?" Holy Father of Goat-Cheese Curdling, it's the damned boss lady!
"It's nearly four pm." I reply, keeping my voice as even as possible.
"I need your reports by five." I hear what sounds like a dry heave, followed by the dial tone and I know which vial it was. Damn Valium. It would take a horse-tranquilizer to bring that heifer down, and that dose just didn't do the trick. I kicked myself for not grabbing the cyanide.
Oh well, I guess I was bound to get work done at some point today.
Just as I turn back to my computer, Outlook pops up a little window with a new message. In bold italic caps, the memo states that the Executive Washroom is off limits to employees. Well so she remembered that someone was there, just not who. Lucky for me, I will live to poo another day.
User Reviews
Submitted by evilgerbil25666 (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:40:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you might possibly be the biggest fucking prick i've ever met-FUCK OFF AND DIE!
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-11-02 16:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What will be the next challenge ?
The ceo's personal dumpbox ?
Can't wait for said shit.
<flushes>
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-11-02 16:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh wow. One of my co-workers just came up behind me as I was typing out another meaningless report, and in a sweet sultry girly voice said:
"Hey shadow, I just took the biggest dump in the world."
And I turned to look at her, tears already welling up in my eyes for the sheer comedy of those smart high heels, black stockings, fitted dress and matching blouse topped by an unmatched potty mouth... then she just giggled a little and walked back to her cube.
wtf.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-02 16:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
craptastic. your next exploit should be to deposit said load in big boss lady's desk drawer.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-02 14:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahaha
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-11-02 12:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Men love it when you talk about taking a dump.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-11-02 12:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-02 06:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You are a girl, though, right?
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???
Everybody poops?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-11-02 11:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I still don't get this game.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-11-02 11:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-11-02 09:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-02 09:17:30 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
The very concept of the 'executive bathroom' is indicative of the twisted times in which we live.
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I hate to say this, but the concept really isn't new at all. Think back to the feudal eras... the upper crust have always been of the mindset to reserve luxuries for themselves.
Which is why I'M TAKING IT BACK.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-11-02 10:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG! PLPF
PANTY LINE POST FRIDAY
DO IT!! ALL OF YOU!!
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What is this game????
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-11-02 10:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-11-02 09:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-02 09:17:30 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
The very concept of the 'executive bathroom' is indicative of the twisted times in which we live.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-02 06:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You are a girl, though, right?
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-02 05:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Starts humming the Mission Impossible theme song*
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-02 05:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The very concept of the 'executive bathroom' is indicative of the twisted times in which we live.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-11-02 01:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like all those copyright watermarks - they add to the overall oeuvre of the piece
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-11-01 23:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
entertaining
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-01 21:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG! PLPF
PANTY LINE POST FRIDAY
_____________
YES.
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I approve of this.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-01 21:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-11-01 21:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-01 19:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bowels@Work
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-11-01 18:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-01 18:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cellphone tetris while taking a shit is one of the greatest things there is.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-01 17:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I smiled.
Submitted by ShimishSmortion (user info) at 2007-11-01 17:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-11-01 17:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really good.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-11-01 17:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really really good.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-11-01 17:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bringing toilet humour to a new level
Good for you!!
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why exactly were you eating just frosted mini-wheats and sharp cheddar cheese?
like, together? with milk?
is that like curds and whey?
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. Well done, sir!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG! PLPF
PANTY LINE POST FRIDAY
_____________
YES.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG! PLPF
PANTY LINE POST FRIDAY
DO IT!! ALL OF YOU!!
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
about the panty line:
You haven't seen this chick. It's frightening. I think she gets her underoos from NASA.
Of course I could be exagerating a bit, BUT I HAVE TO LOOK AT IT!!!
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Jesus, that's the WORST. There's a chick like that where I work too and her job involves a lot of bending. I can't count how many times I've been walking past and turned my head to look, only to walk into something hard/sharp/spinning/on fire.
I have a great job.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahhaha - take a pic and do a post about the panty line. Don't include a face picture, and you don't run any risks of slander, etc.
just be sure to change her name.
for some reason I find this hysterical
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there is a limit on how large underware can be made.
thongs should not be made above a size 8, but I've seen wale tails that look like they came from an actual whale.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
about the panty line:
You haven't seen this chick. It's frightening. I think she gets her underoos from NASA.
Of course I could be exagerating a bit, BUT I HAVE TO LOOK AT IT!!!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poo in it. The trashcan, I mean.
OOh, bether yet, top shelf the executive commode.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
believable except the bit about the janiter staring at the inch thick panty line. No panty could handle the strain that would be needed to cause a line that thick/deep...
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-11-01 16:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.