Curious George. (1379 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.48 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stranger_Danger (View user info) at 2007-11-04 08:29:11 EST
I took my kids to Southbank today, a kind of artificial beach in the cbd, once upon a time a notorious hangout for kiddy-fiddlers taking photos with their cell phones of kids in their bathers/swimmers, 'togs'.
It's meant to have changed, and it's nice to go there thinking it has.
There's an outdoor foodcourt, the boys perused the various outlets and settled for junk. In their defence there's not a whole lot of 'health' on display, as an alternative.
"Finish your lunch and we'll go for a swim."
Noah eats his pluto pup like it's mana from heaven, Calum picks at his fish and chips - watching passers by.
I smile at the realisation my ten year-old has become a people watcher.
"So, err, Noah? You still feel okay? That pluto pup looked awful."
He waxed lyrical about how one day he would grow up and totally own the pluto pup industry, Calum continued to pick at the now cold crumbed and deep-fried goodness seeping grease and oil into the wax paper crockery it had been served on.
I smirked again at the frown on his face, the family he had been watching were mostly girls, especially the 'mums'.
They finished lunch, and we wandered down to the 'beach'.
"Dad?"
"Yes?"
"There was a family back there and the mum and an aunty or someone were kissing."
"Listen. I hope we're not going to have that whole 'OMG Dad we can't be seen in our boxers which look uncannily like boardshorts while we're changing in front of ALL these people who don't actually give a a flying fuck' episodes again."
"But Dad they're our UNDIES..."
sighs...
<holds towel up while the jihad sisters change into their burkhas>
"I'll be over there, on the steps. STAY together, and don't act like ratbags."
I sit on the concrete steps, place my kids' thongs/flip-flops beside me to indicate that I'm a parent and not just there for the booty, and reach into my backpack for my book.
Book goes down, and I scan the pools for my kids. There they are, safe. Scan the 'watchers' for pedo's, uh-oh *that* guy looks suspicious...
let's see....
faded bogan/racer boy/trailer trash shirt: check.
greasy math teacher hair cunningly disguised as water and not grease: check.
bogus wedding band that screams camo paint: affirmative.
If he so much as *looks* at my kids I will destroy him. This is my most solemn vow. Oh look that little girl just ran up to him and called him daddy. And that other one. and those triplets. Oh and jesus there's a suprise party and people are coming from everywhere all of a sudden and yelling suprise at him. Bloody hell I think that elderly lady who just kissed him on the cheek said 'you're the least pedo person ever'.
Anyway I'm on guard...reading with one eye open.
So my kids are playing in the pool below me, and some others are catching a ball their dad is throwing from the steps, one of those leather-cased foam things.
I look to my left and there he is.
Holy fuck I think, it's him.
You see there's this guy, or 'was' this guy. He was a famous Australian Rules footballer, back in the day, and for years - seeing him on tv, I had always wondered if he was somebody I'd went to school with - because they had the same name.
So for the 10 odd years he played professional football everytime I saw him on tv I wondered, is this the same John Citizen? Because he doesn't look the way I'd figure he would...
His kids continued throwing the leatherbound sponge and eventually it hit Noah in the head.
"HEY! BILLY! Go and say sorry!" yelled John Citizen.
He directed Billy around the throng of kids, trying to point out my sponge-concussed youngster. Violent Billy tried but eventually gave up, the pool was like a blue light mosh-pit.
"Sorry" said John Citizen, sheepishly.
"It's fine, they're laughing about it."
I had watched John Citizen chatting with some other little kids father earlier. Some Other Kids Father started talking draft and injuries and re-signings, and John Citizen was very animated and engaging, you see John Citizen whilst no longer a player is still very involved behind the scenes. So I figured at the time Some Other Kids Father was there *with* John, maybe they were having a bbq or a suprise party like captain pedo, because John certainly didn't mind talking football with Some Other Kids Father. But Some Other Kids Father was just some other kids father, said well good luck this season and went to possibly try to photograph my kids on his cell phone.
"BILLY!!" yelled John Citizen. "MOVE FURTHER UP! (the pool)." He looked at me with that 'kids, eh?' apologetic face.
"It's fine, really."
"Do I know you?"
"I don't think so."
"You look familiar.."
"You don't." I thought.
"You live in Chelmer?"
"No. I get the familiar thing a bit though."
"I'm John Citizen. I went to <insert school name>."
I'm sure I sighed audibly. Finally I knew. "No, sorry. Your teams' physio, I know his wife - she's a work aquaintance." (actually true).
"That's probably it then..."
So there you have it. For years I'd been wondering about this guy, and I sat on the steps next to him this afternoon and didn't even tell him, "Yeah, we used to play soccer together." Or "I'll never forget that one time we were playing The Southport School and I went on one of my game defining runs down the wing and instead of passing it to you unmarked and open in the six yard box I scuffed my 15 degree angled shot on something that might have been China, and broke my toe. Yeah I'm that kid."
User Reviews
Submitted by imnotao (user info) at 2007-11-09 00:06:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK YOU!
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-11-06 10:32:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-04 11:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Last night I dreamed that I was digging a hole on the beach and found a deer tooth. My little brother came over, snatched it from me, and ate it. What does it mean?
___________
If you start a business with your bro selling icecream (or similar sweet edibles) at a beach he'll fuck you over. So don't.
Also avoid coming into close contact with badgers.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-06 09:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my God DR, no! That hackneyed pap is depressingly awful. I'd sooner break my own hands than do another Lord of the Rank.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-06 08:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How old are the chilluns now, Danger?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-06 07:17:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty: finish your lords of the uber series. remember I'm the swarthy woodsman guy who gets the girl (make her pretty).
EI: stop rubbing man gravy in your hair.
goodnight.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-06 06:58:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so sorry to say this but the French accent is super hot on a women and I reckon women love the whole englsih speaking french guy. So yes against all that I know and respect, I plump for France.
VIVA LA PETIT POIS!!!!!!!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-06 06:49:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I kind of have to admit that I think the South African accent is really cool.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-06 06:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
look at phuzzy embracing his kintry's reech end dievirse heiritege.
Go fire a water cannon in the air wilbur smith - from your black people are just alright with me bandwagon, you fucking baboon.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-06 04:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-05 20:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when it comes to finding pedos, D_R is known as: the tip of the spear
so to speak
"Umkhonto we Sizwe"
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-06 03:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-05 20:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when it comes to finding pedos, D_R is known as: the tip of the spear
so to speak
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-05 20:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-11-05 19:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-05 18:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno crystle. I think I was just enjoying the solitude, relaxing in my anonymity, something john citizen couldn't do. If I'd said hey I think we went to school together, then I'd feel obligated to chat for the rest of the afternoon. You can't just sit there and start reading your book again can you. And anyway scoping for fag kiddy-fiddlers is 110% focus, 411% instinct, and I am pretty sure he was a decoy.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-11-05 16:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-05 15:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just took a magnificent dump so i was thinking...uh, maybe FED-X?
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-11-05 13:24:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why didn't you tell him you used to play with him?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-05 12:00:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
well how do you like that?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-05 09:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-05 07:34:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ok, well its monday morning and inspector morse is dead.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-05 07:25:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
:(
children are children too iddqd
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-11-05 07:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you should see some of the pics ive got of your crotchlings. hoo boy, is my dick red.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-11-05 06:58:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're right, D_R, maybe I should try www.hugsforfags.com or something.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-05 06:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh bloody hell. Okay emission it's really cool to see you on the same internet forum again. Just this morning I was thinking "it's like sunday evening in the uk, I bet that fantastic guy emission's kicking back and watching inspector morse with his mum. What a pity he's such a fag though."
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-05 06:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what about ignoring people :(
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-05 06:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
if you think ubersite is somewhere you come to poke fun at people hilarity, I think it's time you started to look for a new site.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-11-05 06:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh hush, I was just joshing you. I gotta take what I can get.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-05 06:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sighs.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-11-05 06:17:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
While I was running from the police this one time, I ripped my pants on defence when I was trying to jump over it.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-05 04:45:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-05 04:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhh shut ya face ranger danger, I cant help having fast fingers!!
Here's me thinking you had some love for me :( in a strictly manly way of course.
shucks
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-05 04:10:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
tell them you had to go to a how to spell elaborate workshop
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-05 04:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwwww man, I try and be so supportive for poor old you in these times of strife.
I need you to get me outta doing some work today, can you please come up with an elobarate plan?
I was thinking of pretending I had an urgent call from Uganda where I am to be sent on urgent planning business, I dunno to oversee some huts going up.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-05 03:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
jesus. um no. no I haven't. not at all.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-05 03:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY DDDANGER HAVE YOU MIsssED me!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-04 23:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2007-11-04 10:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Super-cali-fagilistic, expial-idoOOOOOcious
Even though this fucking post is something quite atroOOOcious
If you read it more than once, you'll want to have the gooooooooat sex
SupercaliFAGilistichaveaminustwooooooooprick
--------------
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-04 10:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
:(
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-04 22:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i bet you were shit at football.
-------------
:(
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Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-04 23:11:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I took my kids to Southbank today,...once upon a time a notorious hangout for kiddy-fiddlers taking photos with their cell phones of kids in their bathers/swimmers, 'togs'."
*****
old habits are hard to break
-------------
:(
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-04 23:11:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I took my kids to Southbank today,...once upon a time a notorious hangout for kiddy-fiddlers taking photos with their cell phones of kids in their bathers/swimmers, 'togs'."
*****
old habits are hard to break
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-04 22:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a masterpiece.
i bet you were shit at football.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-04 20:27:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-04 20:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-04 20:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-04 18:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're right to be cautious. Pedos abound.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-04 17:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's hard to be a pedo these days - what with all the 'laws' and stuff.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-11-04 15:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 danger minger
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2007-11-04 15:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your brain works in mysterious ways
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-04 14:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well im here and im danger rangers long lost son
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-11-04 14:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fine. Don't be here and talk to me then.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-11-04 14:10:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant, I like your posts. You're a weird Australian pedo who "borrows" some "kids" he knows in order to go to the "beach" and "guard" "your" children while "they" "swim".
Did I overdo the quotation marks?
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-11-04 14:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 sponge-concussed.
You should post more, I like you.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-04 13:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bloody hell I think that elderly lady who just kissed him on the cheek said 'you're the least pedo person ever'."
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-04 13:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Last night I dreamed that I was digging a hole on the beach and found a deer tooth. My little brother came over, snatched it from me, and ate it. What does it mean?
-----------------
It means you feel your brother is trying to move in on everything you do.
No seriously its the fact you drunk too much beer and peed in the sink.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-04 11:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I ignored the awful part, until this was funny.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-04 11:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Last night I dreamed that I was digging a hole on the beach and found a deer tooth. My little brother came over, snatched it from me, and ate it. What does it mean?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-04 11:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91064 <-------bwahahaha
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-04 10:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
:(
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2007-11-04 10:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Super-cali-fagilistic, expial-idoOOOOOcious
Even though this fucking post is something quite atroOOOcious
If you read it more than once, you'll want to have the gooooooooat sex
SupercaliFAGilistichaveaminustwooooooooprick
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-04 09:39:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobody's name was George. I didn't know robots could go senile.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-04 09:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA YOU SAID SOCCER.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-11-04 09:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-04 09:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are a strange man