Kissing Hank's Ass - A Religious Parable. (627 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.77 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by phuzzygish (View user info) at 2007-11-05 08:55:14 EST
I didn't actually write this.
I wish I did, but I didn't. It'll have to go in the 'Incredibly Fucking Cool Stuff I Found Whilst Trawling the Web For Tentacle Porn and Fajita Recipes' pile.
Enjoy,
Phuzzy..
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John:
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary:
"Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me:
"Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John:
"If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million bucks; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me:
"What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John:
"Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me:
"That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary:
"Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million bucks? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me:
"Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John:
"Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me:
"Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary:
"Oh yes, all the time..."
Me:
"And has He given you a million dollars?"
John:
"Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me:
"So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary:
"You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me:
"Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John:
"My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me:
"Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John:
"Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me:
"So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary:
"Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me:
"What's that got to do with Hank?"
John:
"Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me:
"I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John:
"But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."
Me:
"Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary:
"No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me:
"Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John:
"Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me:
"Who's Karl?"
Mary:
"A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me:
"And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John:
"Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
** From the desk of Karl **
Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million bucks when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
Me:
"This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary:
"Hank didn't have any paper."
Me:
"I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John:
"Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me:
"I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary:
"Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me:
"I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary:
"It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me:
"How do you figure that?"
Mary:
"Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me:
"Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John:
"No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me:
"But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John:
"There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me:
"Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary:
"But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me:
"I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John:
"Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me:
"We do?"
Mary:
"Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me:
"You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John:
"Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me:
"But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary:
She blushes.
John:
"Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me:
"What if I don't have a bun?"
John:
"No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me:
"No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary:
She looks positively stricken.
John:
He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me:
"So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary:
Sticks her fingers in her ears. "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John:
"That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me:
"It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary:
She faints.
John:
He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-05 21:10:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like these sort of things, but I took issue and stopped reading after this:
Me:
"Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary:
"No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
------------------------------------------------
I don't go to church because I don't believe that anyone else should be interpreting "Hank's" message for me.
I talk to "Hank" on a daily basis, although the name changes from time to time, and I get the details directly from him, at least as far as my plan is concerned.
However, I've also been deemed "mentally unstable at best."
Have a +2 for sharing what you found on the internet.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-11-05 16:25:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-11-05 15:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Albinoblacksheep
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-11-05 15:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Albinoblacksheep
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-05 15:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
last night for guy fawkes, a bunch of us nailed fireworks to the door of the jehovah witness church across the road and set them off. Not to make any kind of statment. Mainly cos we didn't want OUR house to catch on fire
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-05 14:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-05 14:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought it was great but it went on a little too long.
Much like most of my posts.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-05 14:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Pass.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-11-05 14:25:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hardly explains, but certainly entertains.
This is a parody. If you're trying to see something "Christian" about it, then you need to check your sources. There's nothing Christian about this at all.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-05 14:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-05 12:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just read this...never seen it before...highly amusing.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-05 12:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Humour, a lot like religion, is quite a subjective thing, my son.
So shut the fuck up and accept laughter into your life, clown, before you burn in the fires of hell.
I'm just saying.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-11-05 12:34:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"I didn't actually write this."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
If you are gonna steal from the web, at least steal something that isn't shit.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-11-05 12:29:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-05 12:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just read this...never seen it before...highly amusing.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-05 12:07:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JWs have to be the only people stubborn enough to refuse a blood transfusion on religious grounds, thus leading to their newborn child having to grow up motherless.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7078673.stm
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2007-11-05 12:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
seen it before, but its still funny and dead on accurate
to hell with Hank
HAIL PREGO!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-05 11:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought JW's alll the way through, they're an interesting lot of people. mormons can be fun too, you pretty much have to be a fun person to believe the origins of mormonism, joseph smith was obviously huge on practical jokes. and then there's scientology, again, they MUST be fun people in order to take all that in.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-05 11:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't read this. I'm merely rating on a rounded up average of the previous ratings.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:42:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ladies be aware, men beware.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed, it is no longer size that counts. Rather the sureness of a fellows grip and the precision of his lathe. Ladies be aware; Drogo can do things with a tub of polygrip that'd make you bite a ragged hole through your both your lips.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SO are his daughters, three sons, pet badger and half of the Baptist Womens Leaugue.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's the great thing about Drogo. With the sheer time and energy he funnels into sexual activity, not to mention the planning and preperation, his wife is the luckiest and most sated woman in the world.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's a very clever metaphorical satire on Jehovah's Holy Door Knockers.
And if you don't agree, GOD WILL JUDGE YOU.
-------------------------------------
You should listen to him; he has a t-shirt with a picture of Nelson Mandella with a bazooka in one hand and a thesarus in the other shouting "Unite, mobilise, fight on!" which, in my opinion, pretty much makes him an authority on everything.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now Drogo, that right there is why you have a reputation for being a degenerate pervert.
Actually it's kind of funny isn't it? I mean if you were some type of weirdo who shaved off all of his body hair and took three high powered showers using industrial strength bleach on his bumhole who only could kiss a girl if she'd been vacuum shrink wrapped first then we'd still call you a degenerate pervert. I guess you just can't beat the system.
--
Hmm. Well if I am already known as that then I guess there really is nothing stopping me from going all out.
I need some time out in my basement, i have work to do.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now Drogo, that right there is why you have a reputation for being a degenerate pervert.
Actually it's kind of funny isn't it? I mean if you were some type of weirdo who shaved off all of his body hair and took three high powered showers using industrial strength bleach on his bumhole who only could kiss a girl if she'd been vacuum shrink wrapped first then we'd still call you a degenerate pervert. I guess you just can't beat the system.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's a very clever metaphorical satire on Jehovah's Holy Door Knockers.
And if you don't agree, GOD WILL JUDGE YOU.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Are we allowed to use tongues?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Indo-anna jones there is right, this is a very trite oversimplification of Christianity and organised religion in general. Funny as fuck though.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I read this freshman year in highschool.
It wasn't clever then.
I am not a religious person, but if your understanding of chrisitinity is follow god so you can be rewarded then you don't get it. +1 for tentacle porn.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-05 10:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
haha
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-11-05 09:57:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-05 09:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, what the hell.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-05 09:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A really good friend of mine who pretty much loves Jesus, but is also a lesbian (don't ask questions, just accept it), was recently discussing with me what bullshit the book of mormon is, and although I was screaming it inside, I just didn't have the heart to tell her to take the obvious next step in analyzing her own book.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-05 09:31:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Filename.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-05 09:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeh it was OK. Won't convert anyone, but burned about 45 seconds of my currently totally unstimulated life.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-05 09:00:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is long, it better be good.