The Return of Bob (790 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.6 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ChaosJester (View user info) at 2007-11-06 08:15:53 EST
Bob's First Adventure: http://www.ubersite.com/m/100935
Bob's Second Adventure (Part 1): http://www.ubersite.com/m/101023
Bob's Second Adventure (Part 2): http://www.ubersite.com/m/101145
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Hey, Funny Hat Man. Long time, no see. You want another story?
Okay, I tell you about time when Bob battle hordes of Undead Monsters. Is good tale. You want write it down again?
Why not? Oh. Well, Bob understands that Editors can be soft, short-sighted folk. Am just glad that you still want hear Bob spout off, even if you not make money from it.
Anyway, story begins.
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After Bob kill Drake and becomes Dragon Daddy, Bob feels great need for solitude. Before going back to Wizard collage, Sten says that part of taking care of Snort. Baby dragons need lots of peace and quiet, so their Protector feels same urge. Bob parts ways with Jynks and boy not long after; Jynks want settle down. Says boy needs stable environment to grow up strong. Bob a father too now, so Bob understands.
Bob, Snort and trusty Fafnir wander for many months, looking for just right spot to live. Journey takes us through many lands and kingdoms. Still, nothing feels quite right. Finally, Bob climbs huge mountain. When Bob reaches top, Snort sighs in contentment and Bob knows this is good place.
Unfortunately, mountain top is bad home for mighty warhorse, so Bob leads Fafnir to mountain base and takes off saddle. Bob gives trusty Fafnir last scratch behind ear, then smacks him on rump and tells him to find green pasture and feisty mares. Friend Fafnir nudges Bob's shoulder once, then gallops off. Bob is sad, but feels confident that Fafnir will sire many strong stallions.
Bob then climbs back up mountain and builds crude hovel to live in. It easy because Bob not need much; cold not bother Bob and rocks feel soft as Big City pillows. Bob thinks he is becoming part Dragon.
Years slip by faster and faster; Bob spends many days sitting in quiet meditation while watching Sun rise and set. Snort spends much time curled around Bob, sleeping, when he's not eating. Bob amazed at how much food little dragon needs. Good thing Snort able to hunt on his own, or Bob would do nothing but look for fresh meat. Still, those good years. Bob not lonely because baby dragon sings to Bob; Bob sees such beautiful visions when lizard croons inside head that Bob's heart aches.
After while, Bob notices that Snort getting big. Getting *really* big. Bob remembers when Snort was just hatched, wee dragon was barely long enough to curl around chest. Now, Snort bigger than Bob; almost as big as Fafnir. Bob also realizes that Snort getting restless. Bob think Snort growing tired of only sleeping and eating; perhaps it is time for more adventures.
A few weeks later, Snort tells Bob it is time to see new things. Snort not tell Bob with words though; it more like feeling. One day, Bob just wake up itching with Wanderlust and finds Snort looking pointedly at Bob. Bob remembers that Sten said Snort not start talking until nearly adult; that many hundreds of years away, but Snort still plenty smart.
So Bob and Snort pack up meager belongings and leave mountain hovel. It Springtime, so good time to travel; Sun shines bright and wind is brisk without Winter's bite. Bob glad to have spent quiet time on mountaintop, but it also feels good to have sword strapped on back again.
Once Bob reaches mountain base though, Bob realizes he has problem; Bob needs mode of transportation. Snort already impatient with Bob's slow walking, but looks disgusted whenever Bob thinks about riding Snort. Bob misses Fafnir very much. When Bob thinks of trusty warhorse, Snort pauses then sings a strange tune. Three days later, Bob sees large herd of wild horses thundering toward him with old friend leading way!
Bob very glad to see Fafnir again, but is sad to see how old he has become. Trusty friend is withered with age once more while Bob as young and strong as ever. Still, Bob sees telltale forehead markings on most of following herd; means that Fafnir has been very busy, indeed.
Fafnir stops in front of Bob, then knickers softly; Bob spends few minutes patting old friend and scratching his favorite spot behind ear. Afterwards, Fafnir swings head toward herd and calls out. Young stallion bigger than friend Fafnir slowly moves beside his father and faces me. Fafnir tosses his head, then gallops away with rest of herd following. Young stallion bows head, but remains next to Bob.
New friend is chestnut brown with white splotches over rump and forehead. As Bob scratches broad neck, horse trembles, but is still. Bob thinks young stallion has much courage; Bob decides to name new friend Thunder. Bob walks beside Thunder for day or so to let him get used to Bob's scent. On third day, Bob jumps onto Thunder's back; horse only bucks twice before settling down; Bob thinks Fafnir did good job teaching son.
Afterwards, Bob travels much faster; Thunder seems tireless and Snort glides in the sky for hours and hours. When we get to first village some weeks later, people flee screaming when they see horse-sized lizard flying towards them. Bob, Thunder and Snort hang around village square for three hours before village elder re-discovers balls and comes to speak with Bob.
Bob still has much Drake gold, so Bob tosses elder smallest coin for new saddle and to get local blacksmith to shoe Thunder. Young friend wary when strange man approaches, but soon gets used to pieces of iron on hooves. Bob also buys goat for Snort. Village children watch in amazement as dragon daintily munches on animal. One brave boy runs up to touch Snort's rainbow-colored scales. Dragon puffs smoke at boy and urchin runs away, screeching in fright.
Bob asks elder if village is plagued by any Terrible Monsters or Evil Warlords. Elder eyes Snort, but shakes head; says that everything is fine. Bob disappointed, but is philosophic; adventures find Bob and Friends sooner or later. Bob, Snort and Thunder leave village the next morning.
Sun rises and sets eight times before Bob encounters people again. This time, Bob runs across Gypsy caravan. Bob interested to note that Gypsies not concerned about Snort; as soon as Dragon curls up into ball to sleep near campfire, everyone resumes normal activities. Bob shrugs, then strikes up conversation with nearby Gypsies playing dice. Bob loses some money (inevitable, when rolling bones with Gypsies), then asks about adventures. Gypsies mutter amongst themselves for few moments, then tell Bob that Black Forest three days travel to the South is Haunted. Finally, Bob has adventuring prospects!
Gypsies prove to be honest lot; only tried to rob Bob twice in night. Both times, Snort kick would-be thieves across clearing, then roll over and went back to sleep. Next morning, Bob cheerfully waves at limping Gypsies while riding away to South.
Days pass. Bob notices that Sun seems to shine less and less brightly the further South Bob ventures. Is good. Means that Gypsies weren't lying about haunted woods. Soon enough Bob and friends stand at Forest's edge. Strange noises echo in shadowed depths and Thunder snorts in nervousness. Is understandable, though; this Thunder's first Adventure. Snort looks eager to explore and Bob feels excited. After brief pause, we enter Black Forest.
At first, Bob is disappointed. No demons or creepy-crawlies attack Bob. Snort, too, feels frustrated. Still, we continue on and Forest gets darker and darker. Bob hears weird, high-pitched chittering noise coming from nearby, but can't see far enough into woods to see what makes such a racket. All of sudden, Monster bursts from ground and attacks Bob!
Bob has enough time to see that creature looks like giant black beetle before Thunder rears back and thwacks it with iron-shod hooves. Sparks fly and Bob draws magic Claymore as Thunder backs away from Monster. Snort swipes at creature with claws; manages to tear off a leg. One down, seven more to go.
Bob spurs Thunder forward, stallion screams with rage or fear, then moves. Bob swings sword once, twice, three times into jumbo-bug's tough shell. Finally, blade cuts through and Bob sees that bug blood is bright orange. Then, Bob is out of sword-reach, so Bob turns Thunder around for another charge. Isn't necessary though; Snort already on bugs back, ripping it open. Seconds later, bug is twitching mess in five separate parts. Smells awful.
Snort is covered in vile orange liquid. Snuffling loudly in revulsion, young dragon rolls around in grass like dog. Doesn't clean off bug blood, but does make Snort look furry. Bob laughs at Snort until dragon knocks Bob off Thunder. Bob picks himself up, spits out dirt, then glares at dragon. Dragon glares back. Bob laughs loudly, then slaps Snort on back; Snort good friend.
Bob and Friends continue into haunted woods. Is so dark, Bob thinks Sun has gone down, even though seems too early for that. Bob begins to hear low moaning; like dozens of people dying. Bob has heard many stories of ghosts and undead creatures but has never seen one before. Bob thinks this shaping up to be good Adventure.
Soon, Bob, Snort and Thunder break into clearing filled with fog. In center of clearing, Bob sees Walking Skeletons! Bob amazed, but not that impressed. Creatures don't look very well constructed; when skeletons bump into each other, they each collapse into pile of clattery bones, then slowly put themselves back together.
Bob wonders if ghost will speak to Bob so he dismounts and walks out into middle of clearing; Snort follows. Bob says hello to undead things, but skeletons ignore Bob. Bob doesn't like being ignored. Bob punches one skeleton in ribs; thing shatters into dust and doesn't put itself back together. Bob thinks skeletons are crappy monsters.
As Bob is looking down at disintegrated skeleton, scrawny man in ragged, black robe runs into the clearing.
"What are you doing to my babies?!" crazy man screams. "What did they ever do to you?"
Bob looks at man, notices he has glowing, red eyes. "Hello, demon-man. I am Bob. Bob the Barbarian. You have heard of Bob, yes?" Bob thinks it is polite to introduce himself when talking instead of killing, even if killing happens soon after. Snort coughs politely behind Bob. "Oh yes," Bob says, "Dragon behind Bob called Snort. Snort not as famous as Bob." Snort thumps Bob in back. "...Yet," Bob says, wincing.
Demon-man stares at Bob for moment, mouth open. Moment later, demon-man closes mouth and shakes head. "Go away and leave my children alone, you brute. I have no treasures for you to steal."
Bob narrows eyes. "Bob doesn't like demon-man's tone. Bob thinks demon-man should apologize. Now." Snort growls quietly behind Bob.
"All right then, stupid Barbarian. Have it your way," Demon-man snarls. "When my babies send you to whichever of the Nine Hells you are unfortunate enough to land in, don't say I never warned y—"
Now, Bob has said before that he not stupid, even if he does only refer to himself in Third Person. Bob knows demon-man has some sort of power, and even if it is no match for Bob and Snort, it better to not find out. Therefore, when Demon-man busy with angry speech, Bob whips magic sword around and decapitates Demon-man. Demon-man head goes flying and skeletons collapse into dust. Bob thinks Adventure is over, so he walks back to Thunder.
"You Thrice-Damned BASTARD," Demon-man head says from ground some fifteen feet from body. "You're supposed to WAIT until I'm ready. You have no idea what you're doing, do you?"
Bob is now annoyed. For next half-hour or so, Bob uses Demon-man's head as foot-ball while head curses Bob and body stumbles around blindly. When head gets too mushy to kick around, Bob let's Snort eat both head and body. Bob is interested in whether or not Demon-Man will curse at Bob when he is transformed into dragon shit in few days. He doesn't.
Bob and friends wander about forest for few more days, but nothing happens. After a while, Bob decides it's time to seek Adventure elsewhere. Good thing too, because next one was really fun.
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So, Funny Hat Man, that first time Bob encounter undead. Maybe not as exciting as when Bob fought Drake, but not a bad story, eh?
You come back in few days; Bob tells you about time Bob was cursed. Exciting, scary saga. Even has elf princess in it.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-15 12:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Barry tried read this once and pissed off. Barry saw new bob story and thought maybe read first one. Barry find this painful read because of language. even after pain this entertain and barry enjoy so in end Barry glad took time read.
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-08 09:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-06 19:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll read this later.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-06 19:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF I DID read all that.
It was awesome.
"Bob is interested in whether or not Demon-Man will curse at Bob when he is transformed into dragon shit in few days. He doesn't."
I actually lold.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-06 14:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-06 13:28:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read it.
...but, it amuses me to no end scrolling through the text, back and forth, and seeing the word Bob hundreds of times.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-06 13:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
next
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-06 11:05:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's 'that you don't read' and not "rate"....or I'll be going now....cheerio.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-06 11:01:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/97811 <---Scourge will be along shortly to -2 this...it's pretty funny.
This was a pretty good job here, young Chaos. Did you know that we share a name? Also, if you tell me you honestly don't rate any of the shit I link to your posts I'll stop. If you do read them, you'll notice that they're not horrible...not great; but not horrible.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-11-06 10:20:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-11-06 10:10:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
crappy monsters, I like it.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-06 09:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-06 09:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, puns are elful, awright...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-06 08:56:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-06 13:55:16 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
*gag* at Em.
You do know that puns are the LOWEST form of humor, right?
=====
Surely it's better to have an elfy, well balanced mix of different styles?
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-06 08:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*gag* at Em.
You do know that puns are the LOWEST form of humor, right?
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-06 08:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry, i couldn't elp myself...
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-06 08:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to do a elf help course
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-06 08:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Could be...
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-06 08:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
elf rape?
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-06 08:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bout fucking time!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-06 08:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hooray! Now all you have to do is stop that emo shit on a Friday and all will be right with the world.