Did I Need To Know That? (689 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.76 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paralyzed By Hope (View user info) at 2007-11-07 12:43:40 EST
We all have them. The nightmares - real or imaginary - caused by realizing our parents do actually have sex. For some of the unlucky ones, they broke upon this realization after searching around in that top dresser drawer only to find a half-empty box of condoms. The more emotionally scarred individuals were forced to listen to the moans, groans, and possibly even shrieks that echoed through their parents' bedroom door at night. Curling into the fetal position, wrapping a pillow around their ears, they tried to block out the loud and clear voice of their mother screaming, "Yes! Give it to me big boy!"
Since my mother never remarried after her divorce and she thankfully sent me off to sleepovers at friends' houses, I never had to witness any actual evidence she had a sex life. Not that she wasn't open. Because she was. Very, very open. I never had that dreaded "sex talk". Mine came more in the form of a still un-ending series of discussions that started at about the age of ten. She didn't rely on cliché metaphors about birds and bees. I was better informed about the male anatomy by the age of ten than most of the kids in my class. I knew more about the generic penis than what the boys knew about their own. None of this was really disturbing. In fact, my mother's openness about sex probably contributed to the fact that - unlike the majority of my friends - I don't regret my "first time".
However, the "openness" took a turn for the worse as I got older. The discussion evolved (from how everything worked, where went where, and when I would know I was ready) to how important masturbation was to female sexual health. I now firmly believe that seeing or hearing evidence your parents are having sex does not compare at all to seeing/hearing evidence that your parents masturbate. For me, there is significant emotional wreckage that comes with this knowledge.
Some things a child does not need to know about her mother:
She owns a vibrator. You know this because she not only took it out to show you, but proceeded to try and give you an instructional lecture on how to use it, which she ended by asking if she could buy you one.
She has never been with an uncircumcised man. This pearl of knowledge comes from the particularly drunken evening during Christmas break when your good friend from high school mistakenly made a patronizing comment about your ex's uncut-ness. A comment unfortunately heard by your mother that motivated to her to start asking you to explain the intrinsic differences how different a cock with a turtleneck feels.
Anal never got her off........I just can't go back to that conversation. Let's just say it was perhaps the most mentally/emotionally damaging piece of knowledge I have ever been confronted with.
She had the first orgasm in her life with the boyfriend who bought your favorite collectors' china doll for you when you were eleven.
This led to an agonizingly long recount of hers about how truly horrible your own father was in bed. A topic which included detailed descriptions of his penis flaws, the lack of originality in his moves, and the fact he never went down on her.
Which in turn led into a story about the previously mentioned boyfriend. How they had accidentally left the back door open while he "ate her out" and she screamed so loud our neighbors heard...and began cheering. (Where was I? Riding horses at camp. Thank fucking god.)
She hasn't had sex in the past few years, but is able to "get herself off" every night. And she does a better job pleasuring herself than most men ever could.
She likes the smell of her...juices. You can use your imagination on how I got to hear about that.
The showerhead in her bathroom is her best friend. Right after her vibrator, of course.
Hope you enjoyed that on a certain deranged level.
User Reviews
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-11-08 18:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I found this to be pretty funny.
Sucks for you that your mother is so horrifically inappropriate, bordering on abusive.
But it made me chuckle, so I guess it's all worth it.
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-08 09:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-08 04:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LOKI..............im uncircumcised
heh
I volunteer you to experience me as your first uncirumcised man.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-07 22:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty lazy post.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-11-07 21:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've never been with an uncircumcised man.
True story
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-07 19:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-07 16:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
AIYIYIYIYI
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-07 15:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I grew up in a naked house, my mother and father were never really self -conscious of thier bodies, so it was never weird to see dad wander out of the bathroom in the buff after a shower.
I caught my mum having sex with her boyfriend when i was 16 - I found it more humourous than upsetting. I was having sex by that point anyway.
Ever since then, my mother and I have shared quite candid conversations regarding our sex lives, and I don't see any problem with that.
It really gets me when adults get all 'lalalala I can't hear you' when it comes to their parents and sex. it's not that big of a deal.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-07 14:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2007-11-07 13:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
From a post I did several years ago:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/30136
"Grandma mentions that her & Grandpa were married almost 50 years when he died. The she drops the bombshell when she says "I had him pussy-whipped". Grandma is 74, and no one was expecting that."
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-07 13:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i didn't need to know any of it. my parents are like barbies they have no floppy/juicy bits. i choose to believe this and would like to keep it that way.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-07 13:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You can bet your ass that I didn't read this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/92322
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-11-07 13:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i got nothin.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-07 13:06:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad slipped me a condom when I was on my way out the door for the HS graduation party.
I guess he saw my girlfriend.
That was the sum total of sex education I received as a kid.
Luckily my friends at Uber have filled in the blanks.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-11-07 13:05:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Katy: So true. So true. It is amazing that I'm the mentally stable person I am today.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-07 13:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Do Uber a favor. Next time you want to post, write it and save it. Read it the next day. If you still think it's worth posting, post it.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-11-07 13:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Forensic: I'm just so very sorry. Those are the scars that never go away.
Mud & Scourge: Why even take the time to rank? No worries, though.
SgtHartman: Her number's 1-800-Old-Slag, but she doesn't have AOL. Sorry.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-07 12:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you know... after a certain point, too much shared knowledge of your mother's sex life is actually classified as abuse.
that point would be when she tried to show you how to masturbate.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-11-07 12:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
holy fucking god thats terrible, whats your moms number? does she have AOL?
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-07 12:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good game... now hit the showers
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-07 12:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm not reading this, don't take it personal I just don't really have the time today
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-07 12:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-07 12:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gah!
Horrible post. Of course I meant that in the way of it brought back my own scarring memories.
When I was 11, I accidently walked in on my parents. My mom was blowing my dad.
They had no idea that I saw them. They just wondered why I refused to look at either one of them in the face for months afterward.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-07 12:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN GERIATRIC BUTTSECKS! below
how i miss keithsgoodgirl.
*sighs wistfully*
i didn't read a word of this post, so it gets a +2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-07 12:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this your mom?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82830
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-07 12:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Hope you enjoyed that on a certain deranged level.
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Not even a little bit.