Psycho Dave is One with the Ninja (Part Two) (893 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: Psycho_Dave
Rating: 1.33 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Internet Slacker (View user info) at 2007-11-09 09:35:10 EST
(Part Two of three dedicated to uberusers monkeyswithguns & scourge)
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"Where in all the books by Stephen K. Hayes does it say Ninjas do that?" I asked my grinning friend.
"Where in all the books by Stephen K. Hayes does it say Ninjas don't go out and lower property values in their neighborhoods?" replied Psycho Dave. "Think of it as more 'NST' "
I thought for a moment. "Okay. Makes sense, I guess. I... what are you doing?"
Psycho Dave was tearing into the package containing his Ninja suit. "I can't wait to check this fucker out," he said with great happiness. He removed the clinging shrink-wrap and shook out the black fabric, which turned out to be three pieces of cheap-looking dark clothing: a top shirt with long sleeves, a set of pajama-looking bottoms, and a Ninja hood.
I was examining the clothing tag on the hood which bore the words, "75% polyester/25% cotton", as Dave started to undress. "What the fuck are you doing?" I asked him.
"I can't wait to try this on, and besides, no one can see us, we're at the back of the bus." Psycho Dave tore off his t-shirt and acid-washed jeans; for an incongruous moment he was a skinny pale young teen almost naked while riding public transportation. He put the Ninja suit on and grabbed the hood out of my hands.
"How do I look?" Dave asked me as he slipped the black hood over his head. His eyes looked questioningly at me through the oval opening of the Ninja mask. His Ninja top and bottom still had deep fold marks in them from being wrapped up, making Psycho Dave appear like a background performer in a terminally cheesy martial arts movie. Various black threads poked out here and there all over the suit and I could almost see Dave's skin through the very thin material; but still, he did look a lot more Ninja now.
"Uh... very menacing?" I said with great truth. "What are you going to do now?" (I often asked this question to Psycho Dave because I always tried to be somewhat forewarned of his psychotic actions).
"Uhmm... hmmm. I dunno." Dave stood up. "Something Ninja-like, I guess. I know. I'll crawl up the aisle and jump up and grab the bus driver."
I felt my eyes go wide. "Dave, maybe you shouldn't..." But by then Dave had gone flat on the floor and was beginning to crawl on his hands and knees up the middle of the bus aisle. I stopped talking and watched his progress. The bus wasn't crowded, no one was standing in the middle aisle to block Dave's progress towards the unsuspecting driver, but there were enough people sitting in seats to cause a problem if the majority of them didn't respond well to a maniac dressed like an ancient Japanese assassin crawling two inches away from their feet.
Most of the bus occupants Dave crawled past didn't notice him (though they soon would, poor bastards); they were too busy reading their newspapers, looking out the window, or just being ignorant slobs. But the first people to spot Dave weren't pleased at his presence. The first observer was a middle-aged Pakistani man holding his three-year old daughter; as he saw the Ninja crawl past him, he barked out a surprised, "UH!" and clutched his offspring protectively to his chest. His daughter pointed excitedly at the black-clad man scuttling away and began to babble but her father covered her mouth to quiet her. She didn't seem to like being hushed up in such a manner and began to struggle in his arms.
Psycho Dave was making excellent Ninja progress towards his bus driver prey when an African-American man in his early twenties, bopping his head to music on his Sony Walkman, observed him. "What the FUCK?!?" the young gentleman remarked, taking off his headphones. He looked all over the bus at people in shock and eventually at me. I just shrugged.
Now Dave had an audience of me, a frightened Pakistani father struggling to calm his upset daughter, and a bewildered guy whom had been enjoying the musical stylings of Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five on his personal cassette player but now sure as hell wasn't. All four of us watched Dave with silence and apprehension and the certain expectation that nothing good was about to happen on the moving bus...
(Part Three of three tomorrow)
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-10 07:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-10 07:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot the "several times" part.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-09 18:36:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I was examining the clothing tag on the hood which bore the words, "75% polyester/25% cotton", as Dave started to undress. "What the fuck are you doing?" I asked him. "
I laughed!
How can I possibly not +2 this several times?
1)You named me specifically.
2)It's about ninjas.
3)The sneaking up on the bus-driver part reminds me of myself, though I usually practice my ninja skills on my wife, as she won't sue me (hopefully), and she's always around, so she gets better at spotting me, and I get better at not being spotted.
Seriously, I scare my wife at LEAST once a day. For a period of 3 months, she would jump at every corner, even if I was beside her, because she was anticipating me jumping at her.
*Damn, I'm awesome.*
*Note: According to some, this has not been verified, and therefore remains pure conjecture, but I'm fairly certain of it's accuracy.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-11-09 14:40:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
For every ninja you don't see, there are 5 other ninjas you don't see either.
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-09 14:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-09 13:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i smiled at this
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-09 13:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:35:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
suspended
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-11-09 10:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 As I am a secret weekend Ninja, and I had to kill a man last weekend
REMEMBER....
You "see" a Ninja somewhere = Prepare to die
A Ninja makes eye contact with you = Prepare to die
If you are a Ninja = Prepare to kill someone
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-09 09:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If I +2 it can part 3 be dedicated to me? Is that how it works?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-09 09:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i want more damnit. oh that's your plan isn't it. greedy bastard.